Afraid of being alone

[tesscap21]

I posted about this last week but I'm still stuck and having trouble getting out of this relationship. It's a toxic relationship and I'm sad more than I'm happy but for some reason I'm terrified to leave him. I feel like without him I'll be lost and more depressed than I am now. I know I need to end it but I'm scared of how I'll feel after. All of my friends either moved away or are in relationships and are too busy for me so he's really the only person I hang out with, which isn't very often because he's usually too busy for me too. Any motivating words or similar situations would be helpful, I just need some encouragement to leave this toxic relationship because I can't seem to find the courage

[LaHermes]

Tess you just need to find a quiet time and sit down and think of what EXACTLY you are scared of once you are alone. Scared of how you will feel?! Stop the "futurising" for a moment. You will deal with those feelings as and when they arise. One thing is for sure you will feel a lot less depressed and lost than you are now.

 

That aside, it is most unhealthy to have one person and one alone as the centre of your world. A couple needs to have friends or acquaintances, their own interests and hobbies, a life of their own.

 

If you are absolutely terrified then I would suggest seeing a therapist who will help you to get to the bottom of your (groundless) fears and move towards a healthier life.

 

Something to ponder:

 

"We all feel fear. However, relationships don’t simply wash away the fear within us, no matter how many illusions we conjure to deceive ourselves. Fear doesn’t die quietly. If it isn’t eradicated completely, it simply prevents you from taking your real journey towards self-acceptance without judgement or ridicule.

 

Many hope, (usually in vain), that somebody else will make you happy. However, fulfilling relationships need you to be happy with yourself in the first place. It is the pre-requisite before you enter a relationship. Just because we express emotion does not mean we are expressing love. When you love yourself appropriately, you’re less likely to fall into a toxic relationship; facilitate one or pass on your toxicity to others (i.e. friends, partners or children).

 

This is a difficult topic to discuss, but you must be tired of these toxic relationships by now. Unfortunately, too many of us - afraid of the reality - lie to ourselves far too often. Desperately wanting out of the never-ending cycle of poisonous personal relationships but unable to locate the key...unfortunately, you cannot find one that doesn’t exist."

 

"Fear takes multiple forms. The fear of change; knowledge; loss and ‘what if’, to name a few. It can lead you to fear your partner; run from the spectre of your past or cower at the thought of being alone. The inability to trust adults; misguided friendships, the allure of lust and the misplacing of love can all create psychological barriers that will never be ripped down unless you decide to address them. Too many people are in a toxic relationship with themselves. "

 

From an article by Martyn Stewart (Chartered Psychologist)

[tesscap21]

Tess you just need to find a quiet time and sit down and think of what EXACTLY you are scared of once you are alone. Scared of how you will feel?! Stop the "futurising" for a moment. You will deal with those feelings as and when they arise. One thing is for sure you will feel a lot less depressed and lost than you are now.

 

That aside, it is most unhealthy to have one person and one alone as the centre of your world. A couple needs to have friends or acquaintances, their own interests and hobbies, a life of their own.

 

If you are absolutely terrified then I would suggest seeing a therapist who will help you to get to the bottom of your (groundless) fears and move towards a healthier life.

 

The reason I'm so scared I think is because he has broken up with me several times in the past and I was so heartbroken and sad after and I'm afraid of feeling that way again. I don't think I'd be so afraid if I didn't already know how it feels to be broken up with by him, but maybe it won't feel so bad if do the leaving this time.

[LaHermes]

TEss. Feelings are just feelings. We do not have to entertain those feelings, or ruminate over them endlessly.

 

It is most important that you find yourself, are content in your own company, have other interests before even considering entering another relationship. Fear is a bad advisor, and anything done out of fear is doomed to failure.

[catfeeder]

The only way to ever attain a loving and respectful relationship is to build that kind of relationship with your Self. Unless and until you learn how to do that, you'll always be at the mercy of any guy who will have you, no matter how lousy a match he is for you. That's not exactly a path to happiness, either.

 

There's less of a harshness to breaking up when you're the one who walks away. There's an empowerment to learning that nobody on the planet can give to you what you won't give to yourself, and that includes respect. If you don't respect yourself enough to enjoy being with you, then who else will?

 

Head high, and walk FORward. You'll thank yourself later.

[Brodey]

Hey there, I can feel your pain. It's hard to let someone go when they are the only one you really spend time with. It is also scary to think what you would do if that person wasn't there. I was in a relationship with an emotionally abusing alcoholic but I thought it she just saw how much I was willing to stand by her and how much I cared she would change and we would have fun like we did in the past. But her toxic ways were too much to bear and I realized that she didn't care if I was in her life or not so I started to read, work out, and hang out w friends more. Eventually she gave me some lip service and I decided at that moment I was done. She tried to reach out but I never responded. Having the upper hand when I left felt good because it meant I was done w the abuse. It's never a good situation to hang w someone who breaks your spirit. It's so incredibly difficult to move on especially when everyone else seems to be doing their own thing. But you must remember that you are worth it and once you find something that makes you happy outside of him it will be easier to move forward.

[ahottmess]

I feel your pain, I've been in a relationship 4 years now and the 1st year he juggled two women (me and another) without us knowing until he got caught. Broke up, took him back 2nd and 3rd year was great but this last year as we are together more (I stay over about 15-20 days a month) he's more verbally abusive and negative and nit picky than anyone I've ever known. I've recently started backing off slightly and trying to find my way as me without him, it's hard but it's working and I believe it won't be long I've weaned myself completely off from him.