Well, it finally happened....again.

[disEnchantid]

I am too emotionally drained to tell my whole story, but suffice it to say I was broken up with by the man I loved tonight. Again.

 

He had broken up with me in December of '03 and we didn't talk for about six months, at which point I contacted him and we began to speak on and off.

 

He ended up coming to visit me in August of this year, and we got back together shortly after.

 

We had been having problems on and off for a few months, but basically he was not happy.

 

I am at a loss as to what to do, right now, at this very moment, to prevent the wave of pain that I know is approaching. I feel slightly numb right now, but I know that is just from the shock of it and when it passes I will be completely at its mercy.

 

Can anyone refer me to the posts which deal with coping with a break up right after it has happened?

 

thanks

dE

[Gunther]

You will feel pain as all people who break up do, if you don't then your either mentally ill or you didnt really love him in the first place. May I suggest that you 1 DONT get back together with him agian. This is why it is a bad idea to get back together with your ex. and 2, dont go out with anyone for a while you need to be by yourself for the mean time, wait until your ready then take another stab at it, so to speak.

[nebbish]

the pain you fell is real, exquisite (and not in a good way!) , and if you could find a way to market it would be used by intelligence agencies the world over to interrogate prisoners. it's worse than wisdom teeth, and i don't mean to be flippant, but is probably is up there with the pain cancer patients have (my father died a very painful and miserable death from cancer) but unlike cancer patients, this pain will for sure go away with time. you have to endure and persevere and in your endurance and in time the pain will lessen and go away but there's just no easy way to get through it. sorry.

 

i think you should write this relationship off since it sounds like there was trouble all aong and this would be what-- the second time you guys tried and it didn't work out? easier said than done! but still, cut your losses and don't throw good money after bad.

 

take care of yourself first. the best thing you can do--for yourself and if, against all reason, you want to get the thing back going again, is to live well and do well. someone said living well is the best revenge, but it is also the best way to make your self attractive to the moronn who dumped you. you could try the headgame route but if he's really done with you, it won't matter. you won't be on his radar. but if you live well, show some class, get on with your life-- you'll feel better and if there's any hope left, he will think, damn, i'm missing something here...

 

but short term, sorry, you're goona hurt and that's just an ontological fact. but hey-- you've got total strangers offering cybershouldrs to dry on. that's worth a little bit!

[RoxyBabe17]

Im only 17 so I i've been in and out of relationships so often its absurd my only advice to you would that this break-up only means that he is not the "proverbial one" for you. My suggestion is too keep to yourself for awhile stay around alot of friends and family becuase im sure they'll help you through this, I wish the best of luck to you, and rememeber the one for you is out there, but don't go rushing out to find him, in time he'll find you and worship the ground you walk on..

" This too shall pass"

[rainy soul]

Hi disenchantid,

As nebbish said if they could bottle this pain it could be used to interrogate and torture people. I know the shock you're feeling. I experienced that as well after spending a week in the same clothes laying in my mother's bed surrounded by kleenex and looking like a mental patient.

This is where you need to come. You are just starting your journey and although I really don't want to say this the worst and the best is yet to come. It has been over three months since my fiance dumped me and I have cycled through suicidal thoughts to thinking I needed medication to walking around like a zombie, crying myself to sleep, checking my phone frantically, bringing it into my room at night just incase he got drunk and realized that he really loved me at 3am, and have made a fool out of myself trying to pry info out of our mutual friends as to whether or not he had slept with someone etc. As to the latter yes he has and multiple women.

All of my worst fears have come true and no amount of crying or praying has brought him back. I have lost all hope and in some ways this is where things start to turn around. I know you're in no place to hear this right now and even 2weeks ago I remember thinking if one more person tells me that "time will heal everything," I'm going to punch them out! But low and behold I am not perfect and nowhere near 100% but I am not suicidal and cry maybe once every couple of days...

You WILL survive this! during the 6months you were apart from your ex, what was going on in your heart? Were there things about him that didn't sit well with you? I find that talking it out helps to bring some clarity or if nothing else lets you release some emotion. You are safe here to be as pathetic, angry, brillant as you need or want to be. We all know where you're at...Take care

[Lonley26]

One thing that I have noticed on this board as well in my expierence through life is when a couple has been together for a while 3 or more years and one of them reaches 22-24 years old they break up. I dont know why this is but there are so many people I know who have broken up at this point in life me included ( My X is 24 ) It is almost like a midlife crises except eary to mid twienties crises. You can check out my post as my breakup is pretty fresh and I am constantly changing how I feel as you will see in my post. One step forward three steps back, two steps forward one step back, four steps forward two steps back, but progress. It just plain sucks more than anything else in life. Just try to take it one hour at a time. Good Luck

[nebbish]

and to rainy soul and maybe disenchanted, don't write off meds either. meds are like fire. You have to treat it with respect (i.e., as to meds, under a doctor's supervision, limit dose, follow instructions) but fire also provides hot food and warmth in the winter. but it can also burn you.

 

so a complied with prescription of prozac might help take some of the edge off your pain. ignore the dire warnings and urban legends on the internet. if they were REALLY harmful-- or even SORT OF harmful-- the litigation industry would have them off the market (consider what happened to vioxx).

 

otherwise, you just have to endure the anxiety attacks, the feleing that you want to crawl out of your skin, the urge to scream, etc etc. it's dishonest to sugar coat what you're going through. it's hell. but you'll be stronger on the other side and prescirbed meds used appropriately might help make the trip there a little more bearable.

[disEnchantid]

The problem is that meds have to be prescribed and I don't have adequate health insurance through my school to cover seeing a psychologist in order for that to happen. I have found that over the counter sleeping pills are usually sufficient to help me sleep at night, or nightime decongestent with pain reliever for when I have been crying so much that my nose is all runny and I am all congested.

 

Last year after the first break up I found a lot of solace in smoking cloves, they helped take the edge off. They are awful for you though and this time around I'll be darned if I am going to let him adversely affect my health that way.

 

In answer to rainy soul, during those six months I tried very hard to deal with the break up by demonizing him in my head, but at the same time I missed him terribly and felt in my heart that we were right for each other and he had made a huge mistake and if only I could have another go at it then he would see that.

 

Well, I've had another go at it, and the same problems came back, the only difference being that he was more reluctant to walk away from it this time, and more humane about the way he did it.

[kungfumaster]

Hey dE,

 

Remember me - this is Kung fu. Wow - it has been a while since I recognized anyone from this board from when I first joined. I thought you guys were doing well since you weren't at the boards anymore.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you again dE. I can't imagine how hard it can be once the initial shock is gone. But remember, you made through the first six months the first time - you will make it through again. REmember what you did the first time?? Just do that again... but this time, follow through - no going back this time.

 

As for me, I have been dating on and off - no one has really caught my eye, and the ones that do always have boyfriends already - those are always a bit sad for me. But what they hey right? Just keep plugging along.

 

Take care dE.

Keep posting - it helps.

[nebbish]

actually your primary care doctor can prescribe them. most counselors-- unless they a psychaitruists-- can't. so if you have some basic health insurance/prescription benefit, an hmo, or whatever, see your primary care doctor and he will make the prescription.

 

good luck.

[disEnchantid]

sadly, I don't even have that...my school health insurance is pitiful. Students have been trying to have it improved but most are only here two years for MAs.

 

I am also somewhat anti-allopathic remedy, unless it is absolutely necessary. I don't feel that I have pathological depression. A healthy reaction to the trauma of a break-up is to grieve...but thank you for the suggestion, I will give it some thought.

[nebbish]

but you alrready are self medicating allopathically with the otc's. your doc can prescribe you stuff that will work better and be easier on your body (for example, ambien as a sleep aid instead of sominex or nyquil).

 

you don't need to be bipolar or suicidal to benefit from prozac.

 

i think allopathic medicine gets a bad reputation in urban legend and on the internet and when there are times we could benefit from stuff we choose to suffer rather buck the urban legend myths about it.

 

but it sounds like you have made a lot of progress in your grieving but you still have some ways to go. but don't turn up your nose at the meds only because they are meds and allopathic.

 

like i'm an expert. but i do have some life experience here that i can pass along...

[rainy soul]

Hi disenchanted,

I think your resistance to meds is a good thing. You alone knows whats best for you. I remember a couple of months ago I went to see a doctor to get a referal for counsilling, the minute I asked about meds the doctor had practically written me out the prescription. This was after talking to me for maybe 2mins?? I believe that this grieving process is natural aswell. Meds do have their place but you might also be setting up a pattern in your life ie: life strikes turn to the meds. Plus most of these meds are a minimum 6month prescription with severe side effects if stopped prematurely, not to mention the side effects while your on them such as weight gain (ya thats always cheery), feeling like you are disconnected from your emotions, decreased sex drive and sometimes an increase in suicidal thoughts.

As for sleeping pills, well thats something that you could get a prescription for a week or two just to help rest your body...something to think about. Iknow I have considered that option. Its hard to face the day in this state when you are deprived of sleep ontop of everything else!

I would try and seek out some sort of counsilling. At least there the person is payed to listen to your heartbreak over and over, it is not a cure all but it might help to be able to release some of the pain. good luck!

[disEnchantid]

thanks rainy soul. I met with the dean at my school and she referred me to a therapist who offers limited free counseling through the school. I haven't decided if I am going to go or not. I guess right now I am feeling reluctant to rehash the whole story to someone new, my friends all know what has happened and been there with me through the whole thing. Although granted I don't feel comfortable with talking about it to them all the time, or even really much at all.

I guess I am just trying to take it all in stride. I went out last night with friends and of course felt the fear and agony of being thrown into the whole dating scene again. I think that is what worries and depresses me the most. Not so much the loss of him, I have chalked it up to a lost cause at this point, but the loss of a friend and lover who wants me. I have a really hard time meeting guys because I am shy and lack confidence. I don't feel particularly attractive physically although I know I have a lot to offer as a person. I was at a party with my friends last night and started talking to some guys and could sense they weren't really interested. It was pretty discouraging.

Anyhow, right now I really need to be focusing on just getting through the rest of the semester without my work suffering.

[rainy soul]

Hi disenchanted,

I had to laugh when you said that you were talking to some guys last night and they didn't seem interested as this happens time and time again to me. I think without realizing we are somehow sending out the damaged goods message. Yes re-entering the dating world sucks at this point...I know for me I almost felt agressed that other man could now put their hands on me and I felt heart sick everytime I saw a young little 18year old girl shaking her thing...I would think yup he could be sleeping with someone just like her...anyways, I really think that talking to a therapist is a good idea especially if you feel uncomfortable turning to your friends..I know I do! Take care

[disEnchantid]

hey rainysoul

 

You know what is the worst though? In my head I can rationalize it and say that if the guy is going to be that superficial, then why would I want him, right?

 

Yet, it still hurts and feels frustrating as ever when I feel as though I walk around with some kind of built-in guy-repellent.

[rainy soul]

hey disEnchantid,

Whatever I have left of my sense of humour is telling me that when the pain is gone (please god let that be soon) we are going to look back at these experiences and laugh! I think that in some ways the universe or whoever is protecting us from jumping too quickly into something else, who knows maybe something that is dangerous. I would imagine that like myself you are not over your breakup...this is where it sucks because we feel like we have been thrown away by our exs and then we go out into the world and feel like we suffer that same rejection all over again...but in the end are you really ready to jump into anything...for as much as I would love someone to come and erase my ex I know that that is not a good idea. Take care

[nebbish]

while i don't completely agree wiht rainy soul about the utility of the anitdepressants, i absoultely agree with and endorse what she offers about seeing the therapist and considering a sleeping aid-- (which is a med, after all).

 

understanding and feeling are different things-- and even if you understand someone else and reach the conclusion-- if he or she is that way why do i want to be with them-- untang;ing how you feel about them is much more painful and more difficult.

 

you will end up posting on message boards in the middle of the night.

 

but eventually you will get throgh and the life experience will both help you and equip you to help your friends and maybe your children when they go through it.

 

but go to the therapist and talk it through.