Need advice on boyfriend communication

[gonnabealright]

I just need advice to know I'm not actually crazy or if I am.

About a month ago I asked my boyfriend of 3 years to just listen to me and not give me advice because his advice was more like an "I told you so" or just things I already knew but I just needed to talk and someone to listen to me. Which is now biting me in the butt that I ever said "don't give me advice" because he's used it against me 3 times already when I just ask a direct question. And today it just felt so unwarranted what he said and I just don't know how to go about it. I try to make him understand what he says hurts me but he just doesn't get it and I don't know what to say to him.

 

This was the text. I was talking about calling my mom back who I had been on the phone with for 2 hours already. She was venting about the things going on in her life. Which yes she has every right to be upset but sometimes I just don't know what to say to her so I let her talk and tell her she's doing the right thing. But that's not what I was even asking him.

 

]

 

Basically all I got out of what he said is he thinks I'm crazy and is being passive aggressive to me on top of it. I just don't know how to handle that. I'd love to talk things through with him, but he just shuts down and doesn't say anything and I don't know how to handle that. Personally it makes me feel like i am a nut and I keep fighting that. But after hearing it for almost 3 years and him never saying sorry for anything he says, I just don't know what to say anymore.

 

I guess what I'm asking is how do I approach it without him shutting down and do I deserve this because I did say for him not to give me advice? and now he is calling me crazy because he doesn't want to step on my toes? Am I rationalizing his behavior? Or does it seem unwarranted?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you need better boundaries with your mother. You are being equally passive-aggressive by staying on the phone for hours getting drained and just repeating a loop of "you're right".

 

Your bf doesn't want to get dragged into that drama. Yes he was snarky because you instructed him to just listen.

 

A better option would be unpacking the mother issues with a therapist. And your mother unpacking her baggage a with a therapist. Don't become your mother.

[gonnabealright]

Honestly a lot is going on with my mom that's why I listen. What's going on in her life simply can't be explained on here. I've asked her if she has seen a therapist to though. It's better than her calling a hopeline but she said she hasn't found anyone compatible and the hopeline helps.

 

I also don't have mommy issues that I need a therapist for. Doesn't everyone need therapy for something though? That's slightly what this is. But you're right I let her drain me but today was particularly a bad day. I'm not exactly on a loop with her, but you're right.

Also he doesn't complain to me about his family drama, just mostly work/real estate drama that he cares personally about more. But I let him vent it to me because it makes him feel better.

I just wish instead of saying something snarky, he would tell me how I feels at an appropriate time. I'm not trying to be my mother and vent to him for two hours about what she says but I do give him a 10min update just like he gives to me about his rentals and other company.

 

I would take an "idk" vs a "you're crazy and you told me not to give you advice"

 

So I guess I have to start and apologize first but that's all I ever do. Apologize first and then I never get an apology out of him

[j.man]

Really, I can't understand why you're asking for his input on something like this. She's your mother. Call her back or don't. If my girlfriend were to come at me with that, I'd give her a simple "it's up to you." Really not interested in having any sort of responsibility over the relationship between her and her mother.

 

If this kind of thing is characteristic of the things you feel the need to vent or discuss with him about, I can very easily see where he's coming from.

 

Do you have girlfriends to vent to? Aside from this, what all are you asking him to just listen to as you gripe about it?

[gonnabealright]

I'm sorry. You're right, it was dumb to ask and I shouldn't put him in the middle of that. I'm not sure why I asked but I guess I just wasn't looking for that remark.

And honestly no I don't have many friends. It was silly to write on this. He was snarky and it's because of what I said a month ago which I already know.

I know better for the future to just not say anything about it. Thanks

[gonnabealright]

Also me and my bf talk about anything, ask and say silly and dumb things and questions and listen. He calls my mom up and talks to her by himself. The talk for an hour easy. He asks me about the drama after I get off pone calls by himself. Me asking a question isn't me dragging him in the middle of anything because it's not like my mother knows anything about what I'm discussing with him.

He has asked me what he should do or say in certain situations and I simply asked back. Even if it was a dumb question that had no right or wrong answer. It was just a question for me to contemplate over were he to give his advice. If he said he's not sure then that would have been an appropriate response.

I'm sorry you feel if your gf asked you anything about advice with her mother you'd tell her to seek therapy and not bother you with it.

 

Him saying those things wasn't a "don't bother me with this nonsense" it was taking a jab at me because he saw an opportunity to. Because if he wants to admit it or not what I said a month ago is bothering him. Now he brings it up any way he can.

 

Instead of taking jabs I feel that he could tell me at an appropriate time that he feels bad about what I said and that sometimes he to feels that he doesn't want to step on my toes. Instead of me feeling hurt with words that were unwarranted.

 

So on one part I deserve the snarky comments and on the other part I deserve an adult conversation about his feelings so we can move forward. But that's the problem. He doesn't talk about his personal feelings to me, it's hard for him. He can talk about anything but his deep feelings. Instead of saying "that hurt me" I get jabs that hurt me back. We both are childish in our own ways and it all stems down to communication

[Wiseman2]

What remark/incident do think he's 'getting you back' for? Perhaps that's the real issue at hand?

it was taking a jab at me because he saw an opportunity to. Because if he wants to admit it or not what I said a month ago is bothering him. Instead of saying "that hurt me" I get jabs that hurt me back.

[gonnabealright]

It was. I talked to him and asked him if I had hurt his feelings when I said "don't give me advice on anything." I said it while we were bickering. I apologized for what I said and told him to tell me in the moment if I ever hurt him with my words, so it's not prolonged.

He apologized for being rude and that he was part joking, but it was in poor taste and he will stop and also apologized.

 

But you were right the first time. I was emotionally drained and being too sensitive and that's what brought me here