First Serious Relationship

[Redwings90]

So here goes my first post on this website. My english is definitely not fine and you dont have to be grammar naz. Please keep up with it. This is a breakup thst happenned to my first serius relationship in which commitment towards each other was involved. Im in my last year of high school. I will be graduating this summer. So you can expect some immaturities in my story.

 

The story goes like this. I used to like a friend of mine. While this was unrequited, i was able to get the opportunity to meet my now ex because of this since she is the only one who knows about my feeling to my unrequited friend. Long story short, we ended up clicking to each other. She was a very besutiful woman, intelligent, and hard working too(you could say she is a 10 with a cold personality)She had an ex who was an a$$ that used to abuse her verbally because of excessive jealousy and insecurity. During the relationships, We would talk about so much things and i loved her so much that i would sometimes do some surprises to her which almost all my and her friends told me that im so romantic towards her(egoboost right here for me i guess). She also told me that she was grateful to be with me since the last relationship didnt go well at all and she was grateful that i can be someone who treat her right and possibly at the time the best among my group of friends toward their partners. And she said that shes afraid to breakup with me cause she is afraid thst nobody else could be as good as me towards her. I was also grateful towards her because before this, i also used to have an a$$ of a girl that left me for no reason at all(didnt date her)

 

The thing is.. She has always been very passive about the relationship. Yes she does all the gifts and surprises to me too, but i meant like the little things. Just talking to me at school during break(we're in different classes) or just eating together. Or little things like initating hold my arm during dates (since my hands are kinda sweaty). She just never do it. While she was very expressive indeed during chats, she never shows it when we actually meet face to face, especially when we are not alone. I mean, my friends even told me several times that i don't look like im dating her since during breaks it was always me who tried to make conversations and tried to be playful with her. But she just doesnt seem to care less. I brought this issue a lot to her. And while she seems tried to accomodate to my needs since i said i dont feel wanted by her, she doesnt do it for a long time. Maybe once or twice, but after that she immediately became cold again afterwards. She said that she just can't change the way she is (which i seems not be able to accept at the time). She said she's tried but she just can't. so i suppose she just wants quality time where either of us just talks to each other and relaxing.

 

But every time i tried to do this, she just plays with her phone which annoys me a lot. And since i was bored by this, i resort to just fulfill my desire by kissing her in every parts of her body(sometimes against her will, which nevertheless she said still enjoyed). This, i suppose was my way of trying to feel wanted. Sometimes when she refuses to do these stuffs with me, i got angry passively like going home right after being rejected and she would ask me whats wrong AFTER i got home through chats and then the next day she would accomodate and let me kiss her again everywhere i wanted. A month before the breakup, while waiting for the movies, i tried to talk to her just about daily lifes and she answers me very slowly. At this point, i was really angry cause she talks back like she doesnt care and she speaks so slowly. I shouted at her. She didnt immediately try to ask why i shouted but she did try to make things normal by keep putting content faces. I went to being cold towards her the next few days because i really cant take it anymore and just want her to feel the same coldness thst i felt towards her. It went horribly wrong as i didnt take this problem seriously ans i asked for a break since i thought that i need a clear mind to solve this problem. Afterwards we made up, but at the end of the relationship she told me this is the point where she just can't take me srsly anymore since she thinks thst this was very childish.

 

But nevertheless she tried to accomodate with me because she still implies the mindset that there may not be anyone better than me. After that, during valentine dinner, i asked her if she still loves me. She told me yes while crying. But she asks me to be warmer to her since ive been so cold towards her. A week after that we went on a date but she was sulking like she doesnt really want to hangout. I tried to lift the mood but she seems unfazed. I then asks her again if she still loves me. And why couldnt she express herself better towards me. Why can' t she show her love more towards me. And she just cried. Eventually, we would resolve this issue. And from this moment, i actually am motivated to accomodste to her. I tried to be more patient towards her and when she asks to not engage in kissing anymore since it doesnt sit well with her(she believes in sex after marriage. We didnt do it. But you could say we were engsging in sexual activities). I agreed because sometimes i also felt guilty for not respecting her and only looking at her body.But unfortunstely, we had an argument again 4 days after that. And this is the part where we finally decides to break it off. Yes we broke it off. I rushed to delete all my pic on instagram with her (which her friend told me made her lost all the feeling even more)

 

After the breakup, i started to think about my mistakes about how i was insecure and needy. I realized how she was actually had been very forgiving of my weaknessed and mistakes. And i tried to get back with her after 4 days. I cried in front of her and admitted all my mistakes towards her. I said thst im willing to change but she said that she just can't do it with me again. Some of her friends told me that she already started to lost feeling towards me when i decided to take a break and she just can't do it partially because of her trauma with her ex too. The thing i still can't accept right now is thst she tried to get bsck with her a$$ ex who abused her verbally, while i who she herself said treated her way better that her ex(after the breakup) she didnt give a second chance. I just dont understand right now. I know im also being a complete a$$. But i wanna change. I truly do. I'm not the same as her ex. I went into begging mode since im in such an unstable state of mind. She was ngry and said that whats done is done and she just doesnt want to talk about our past anymore. She even went as far as saying that i should be grateful that she still replied to my messages since she is giving chance for me to slowly move on. Her friends told me thst she is done with me just because she is done with me not realizing her positive and only focusing on her negstive sides. She told her friends that she has given me eough chances for me to realize it. they also told me that they also sometimes cant understand why she cant be more expressive towards me since i actually treated her very well(they told me i should have deserved a second chance if i really have reflected on my mistakes).

 

Instead, they just told me that i should judt moveon so i can find someone who suit my needs better. But i just can't at this point. It's been 2 months since the breakup and while things have been better than the first month of the breakup, i still blames myself hard for not being able to accomodate to her well. I blamed myself for being needy in our relationship. And i dont seek any comforting words. I know i have been an a$$ and i know i might not be able to get back with her again(if fate allows it, we might since were going to the same uni). Im currently just wanting to be a better prson. It s like i can't accept the fact thst i was being such an insecure needy boyf towards her. I should have been more mature which in this case im totally not. Im so afraid that i might behave the same way in my next relationship. Im afraid i might not moveon from my mistakes and grow up from it. Im also pretty afraid that i wont be able to mert a woman who click with me so much. I am afraid that i wont be able to meet someone who has such forgiveness and patience towards me who is pretty impatient and unforgiving towards mistake. I do want to change all of my bad traits. But at this point my mind still lingers what could have been with her if i were more mature.

[Wiseman2]

Don't beat yourself up over this. Are you going to college after graduation? Or starting career training or working? You'll be so glad you will be free to meet a bunch of new, nicer girls.