Long story but please read and help...ex left me for someone else :'(

[Chadz29]

Ok, so I met my ex last year January and we dated until the end of December last year. We lived together 2 months after we started dating. My stepdad was diagnosed with cancer shortly after we met, and she was with me through the whole 5 months until he died. Our relationship was amazing, I'd never been happier with anyone before. She was also very happy and all was great. We lived with my mom but then moved into our own flat outside my moms place. So we had our own small place. But after 2 months, we had to move into the house again because an employee was going to move into the flat. So this made my ex upset...she wanted our own space and so did I...but we didnt earn enough for our own place yet. After about 2 months of my stepdad passing, my ex's mother started getting involved and pushing my ex to get us to move out of my moms place. I explained to her that we dont earn enough, and also I cant just leave my mom at a time like this. This upset my ex and she said I'd probably never leave home etc. All of this caused me to have doubts and us to fight a lot for a time. But we still loved eachother and were happy. I then lost my job because I was temporary. I then discussed with my ex that I can keep looking for an apprenticeship and study in the meantime. She wasnt too impressed but we didnt have much choice. I thought studying another 3 months would help my chances, and I'd look for work in the meantime anyway and take whatever came. No jobs came. The studying put immense pressure on me and stressed me out...and us arguing didnt help it. Eventually I had a panic attack. I had to go to hospital. I distanced myself from my ex, grew angry with her, and although she did try at times, we still were in love. But I could see everything was making her unhappy. I told her I had doubts and she cried her heart out. I told her Im so sorry...maybe we should take a break from living together and she can move back with her folks, but we would still date and work on us. She was heartsore but agreed. I didnt know what else to do...I felt suffocated and always on edge. I felt constant anxiety and was hyperventilating alot. Also, because we were both Christian, we shouldnt have been having sex outside of marriage. But we did all the time. I suggested to her that maybe we should try remain abstinent until we were married...to do our best for God. We were supposed to get engaged 3 months earlier too, as I had bought her a ring already. She freaked out and cried...she was NOT happy with that suggestion. I felt so bad...but yet my intentions were good. I know we had sex already...but it didnt mean we couldnt try do the right thing still afterwards. I think this was the breaking point. I forgot to also mention, 3 months before we broke up, her mom and I got into an argument about the bible. Because her mom would always trash talk the bible when I was at their place and after the 3rd time, I got upset and spoke up. Her mom is the type to rant on about everything and nobody else can have a say. She even used to make my ex cry because she was so nasty at times. But yea, that argument cause MAJOR stress in our relationship...thats about the time my panic attacks started and doubts creept in. Her mom was also so stubborn that she never once hinted that she wanted to make right with me. So I stayed away from their house.

 

My ex then went home for Christmas for 4 days. When she came back, she said she wants to break up and move home. I was in shock. She was crying and upset and so was I...I mean we had issues but we were supposed to work them out, not break up.

 

After she left, she never once spent a weekend with me. I later found out she had been seeing another guy. He bought her a new phone etc, so eventually, even tho I saw my ex at times, and visited her sometimes at work, she would ignore me and use her new phone. She never ever gave me her new number. Her and the guy kept seeing eachother, and I was then begging for her back for a month. This was already 2 months after we broke up. And when we saw eachother we would kiss and hold eachother etc...but it always ended in an argument. She wouldsay she doesn't trust me anymore...and her parents want her to be with the other guy. We had sex twice tho, and just 3 weeks ago too. And she is supposedly in love with him. So how exactly does that work?

 

I saw her then last Sunday and we said our goodbyes...she said I must just go live my life and find someone else. Yet every time I've said goodbye before, she said she doesnt want me to go, that she still loves me etc. Yet still chooses the other guy. And she would cry. But on Sunday we held and kissed and argued and spoke etc...then I left her work. She called me on my way home and said she loves me a lot, and it might not be goodbye forever. I then sent her one last whatsapp and left it at that.

 

3 days later she calls me on the way to work, saying shes been sick and thats why she has been quiet. I was surprised, and said well its fine, can I see her at lunch time. She paused, as if she didnt want to, then asked if its good or bad. I said it was good, I missed her. She agreed.

 

I saw her lunchtime, kissed and held her and asked if she would watch a movie with me at my place the next night. She agreed.

 

Then, I went back to work...she came onto whatsapp 3 hours later and then started being very cold and nasty to me. She also said she doesnt know if she loves me anymore...then just vanished and didnt answer my calls. I called her at work the next day upset asking if it was her on whatsapp...she said no it was her bf...and that she thinks its a good idea that we say goodbye. So i said fine...bye. And she said bye.

 

I never heard from her for 7 days, until yesterday she sent me an email saying "Happy birthday hope you have a great 29th enjoy". That was it.

 

I've been so confused about all of this...shes played me and its like i dont recognize this person. She said she loves this other guy too. Why the heck did she wish me happy birthday then? Why did she then call me that morning after we were supposed to say goodbye?

 

I dont understand her at all...all I know is I'm hurt. And I know she was hurting too through all of this. But it seems at the end she got cold and just wanted me gone. I dont know.

 

Anyone have any advice?

[Lostinlove31]

Just go no contact. Let her go. The problem is you were moving away from her during everything.

 

From what i read you decided she should move out, stop having sex, and took a break. You made decisions that pushed her away. Also after having a fight about moving and couldn't and she felt you were a mommas boy. You literally kind of confirmed that too her. You put yourself in a situation where she didn't feel provided for and you losing your job and pushing her away and how you handled it all was part of how it ended.

 

The best thing is to leave her alone. If she wants to comeback she will. You as the dumper, would have to change things and come back stronger than ever.

 

The dumper is responsible for a lot when going back to someone.

1. Admitting why they left.

2. Accepting responsibility for the decisions.

3. Demonstrating change

4. Doing 110% more work because you walked out and left that person which builds mistrust, fear of abandonment when things get tough... you need to make a decision if you want to put that type of work in because if you go back and act the same way you did she will resent you and you will lose her forever...

[Wiseman2]

Replied in your other thread:

[Chadz29]

Just go no contact. Let her go. The problem is you were moving away from her during everything.

 

From what i read you decided she should move out, stop having sex, and took a break. You made decisions that pushed her away. Also after having a fight about moving and couldn't and she felt you were a mommas boy. You literally kind of confirmed that too her. You put yourself in a situation where she didn't feel provided for and you losing your job and pushing her away and how you handled it all was part of how it ended.

 

The best thing is to leave her alone. If she wants to comeback she will. You as the dumper, would have to change things and come back stronger than ever.

 

The dumper is responsible for a lot when going back to someone.

1. Admitting why they left.

2. Accepting responsibility for the decisions.

3. Demonstrating change

4. Doing 110% more work because you walked out and left that person which builds mistrust, fear of abandonment when things get tough... you need to make a decision if you want to put that type of work in because if you go back and act the same way you did she will resent you and you will lose her forever...

 

But i didnt dump her. She dumped me the day she left. You must understand that she faught with me often too and drove me to even have panic attacks. Thats the reason I suggested she move to her folks again and we simply take a break from living together, but not from dating. The sex thing was something I thought she would be happy to try since we were both Christian. We did have sex already obviously many times but I asked her if she wanted to TRY remain abstinent until marriage. We would obviously make a flop here and there and we still did...but it was the effort that counts. But instead of her seeing it as something to do for God, she took it personally like i wanted to not have sex with her. I loved having sex with her and all I wanted was for us to strengthen our faith. It hurt her and I never intended that at all. She is very insecure and every small thing I said, any tiny criticism, was taken to heart on the deepest levels. That hurt me alot because I never felt trusted. At times she'd say I dont love her or care for her yet i took care of her for a year and gave her so much affection and love. And im not a mammas boy...I couldnt leave my mom after my stepdad died of cancer so soon. Yet she faught with me about it like i had a choice. We didnt even earn enough to move out. Her arguments were very unfair and she made the choice to move in with me knowing full well i lived with my parents still