Broke Up after 8 years

[Lonley26]

My girlfriend and I broke up after 8 years a few days ago. She told me 3 weeks ago that she did not know if she wanted to be with me or not anymore. Everyday for the past three weeks she has been changing her mind. This weekend she said that she is 100% sure that she no longer wants to be with me right now and she is no longer in love with me. She has also said that she wants to be with me long term but with other people in the short term. We have been together since high school and have never really been with any other people. The past year has been tough for us ( money and other things have taken thier toll) , but I thought we were pulling through it. I cannot believe that this is happening. We were so in love that i just thought it would never fade. She always complained that I never showed my love for her enough and now that i want to she says it is too late. She says I broke her heart by not showing my love for her. She is very bitter about this. I just can't accept that she is no longer in love with me. 8 years is such a long time and my feelings for her are so deep. She decided that we would stop talking and seeing eachother yesterday. I just think that she will realize in the next few weeks that she does indeed love me, but other things have clouded her feelings. I guess I am just wondering if there is any hope at all for us getting back together? I cant imagine life without her and want her back the way we used to be. She means the world to me. Please any help or advice will be greatly appreciated.

[justsweetgirl]

She wants to be with you in the long term, but not the short? What is it she thinks she will get from someone else? You mentioned she didn't feel loved. Can you show her now? I know she says it's too late, but that is because she has shut down. She doesn't trust you to be consistent. Match your actions to your words. Don't give up. Good luck.

[hockeyboy]

i know what she wants...she wants to experience life and try new things before she settles down. she wants to make sure so she wont have to say "what if..." later on. to an extent i can understand...but you need to lay the boundaries as to what you will put up with and what you wont.

 

i was in a similair situation a few years back. for a while i wanted her back but after i told her what i could not put up with she went ahead and did it all anyways....so when she came crying and begging for me back i had to say no...and i left. it hurt me deeply to cut her loose but i just couldnt go back...you may find yourself there someday too....it sucks but its better then what you feel now and its easier to get over.

[h_b_k_02]

Yup, mine of 5.5 years left me as well. Doesn't love me anymore blahblah. Funny she never really said we were NEVER going to hook up again.

 

To me, it sounds as though your ex is just "putting you on the shelf" as I like to say. She is going to explore other opportunities knowing full-well you do love her and would wait for her. Not talking to her at all is good for you. It will hurt but in the end it will hit her on the head that you are ready to move on without her and she will have to make a decision pronto.

 

From all that I know within the last few weeks, it is usually when the girl breaks up with the guy that they come back crying. I'm not sure why this is but within the past month I have spoken to 3 different people who opened up this can of worms to me that I had never known about until they told me.

 

Stay strong. Live as though she isn't coming back, and when she does, stay strong. In time you might not want her back. It is no longer up to you or even her as to whether or not you guys will end up together, but rather time.

[apollocreed71]

Yeah, women do those things. Its like they have some feelings like men. Men always check out other women and fantasize. Women do the same. They want to see if something is better out there, sex, romance, conversation. If you have flaws in any of those, you are in trouble. It could just take one guy telling her she is beautiful, and damn your relationship. It sucks but thats life..all I can say is don't be her lap dog. Yeah, my ex left after a 7 year relationship. If I told her she was beautiful, she did not believe me. so I stopped telling her. But let someone else tell her the same thing, and she was excited for days. I now know why men are dogs, we are trained to be that way. If you have many women you can afford to loose one, but if you only have one and you loose here you are broke.

[apollocreed71]

since you were dating since high school, she has not had a chance to compare you to other men. I do not know you, so its hard to say what she is looking for. You may be what she is looking for, but honestly what doe she have to compare you to. Thats her delima. I say go on with your life, and see what happens. I point out that however, if you are involved with someone else when she comes back, let her know its her loss. I guarantee that once you are with someone else, she will smell the happiness and sniff you out.

[h_b_k_02]

Ah, Apollo, you just hit the nail on the head. Somehow the girl gets an ESP signal or something that you no longer care or that you are with someone else, and they come calling back. Then they do all the things we had done, from whining and begging and crying and all that. Yes, this is so true. Women have a way to tell us they don't want us but the minute we don't want them, they come back to torment us.

 

Day 5 N/C for me. I actually am starting to feel real bad because her parents have told me they are going to start following her around to see what she does and if they see her with someone else I know it could get pretty ugly for her. But not my problem any more, I told the parents to just leave her be, but they want whats best for her, and I will remain out of the picture.

[Lonley26]

Thank you for all the replys. I just have one question. At what point will I give up hope of her calling me and telling me she was wrong? How many weeks or months will it take? I just want to give up now but I cant for some reason. That is the worst part waiting for her to call. This is the third day of n/c and it is killing me. I will not call her though but I desperatly want her to call me or email or something.

[hockeyboy]

it all depends. also..it wont just go away in one day, each day (after some time) will get easier and easier until it withers away to almost nothing

[justsweetgirl]

I know this is hard to hear, but you should assume she is not going to call. For your sake. So you can get back to the business of living. Then, if she does, she does and you were okay, anyway. But if she doesn't, it won't be as devastating because you weren't expecting her to. Keep the expectations to a minimum. If you are hoping against hope she will call, and she does just to tell you she wants a cd back or just to chat but doesn't want to get back together, you will be crushed again and again. The heartbreak will keep happening anew. Stay busy. Reconnect with friends and family and things that interest you - besides her. Good luck.

[h_b_k_02]

Ya, if there was a set time frame, it would be easier, but unfortunately there is not.

 

I have been 11 days N/C and now 5 days N/C, and it is getting much easier now IMO. But IMO, anywhere past 3 years is a long time, so in essense what I am trying to say is they will eventually call, but don't sit by the phone waiting because that is when they won't.

[Lonley26]

Here is a quick update. Yesterday Evening I broke N/C and called her on the way home from work. I made some excuse up about looking for something that I thought she had. We got into talking again (Of Course). I began to argue with her again and she was very cold and emotionless. She kept saying that she is happy that she will be moving into a happier part of her life and she knows she is doing what is right. I kept saying to her "but we used to love eachother so much" and "what we had was so special" She agreed and said we had a lot of great years. I wanted to go and get the rest of my stuff but she told me that she does not want to see me and I could get it in a couple weeks when she gets back from Florida. (every year she goes there to her parents 2nd house). I asked her stupidly if she missed me and she said no very meanly. She said that she never wants to be with me again and doesnt want to talk or see me either which hurt pretty bad. She then told me that she would call me when she got back from Florida so I could get my stuff and that would be the end of contact. The conversation was soon over and we told eachother I love you and then hung up.

She was clearly annoyed that I called and when I got off the phone I was upset, but then I had a breakthrough of sorts. I realized that I had been saying things like had and were, all things in the past tense. I knew that things between us had not been the same in at least 1.5 years. The passion was not there like before and I just always assumed that it was due to all of the stresses of life and would come back. The loss that I have been feeling since the split three weeks ago and the breakup Sunday actually started a long time ago and I knew it and so did she. If things kept going the way they were going ( which they would have) I would be breaking up with her at some point in the future. I am glad that it has happened this way though because I have always been much stronger than her and it would kill me to hurt her like this. I still love her to death and I know she loves me but we have not been in love with eachother for a while. I have accepted this fact. I have been clinging onto what was once so great, but is no longer there for whatever reason. I no longer cry because she left me but for the memory of what we once had together. Whenever I think back to all the good memories I get all chocked up. That was in the past though and no one knows how to bring something like that back. So now here I am not feeling sorry for myself anymore but feeling like I am grieving the death of a loved one. The girl that I was once head over heals in love with for so long is not the same girl anymore and I am not the same guy. I guess we just grew apart somehow. It is just so sad though. We let it slip away somehow someway.

Now I know that there is no way she is going to just never talk to me again and this breakup is most likley going to linger. She will miss me eventually and will break N/C. We needed to breakup though to get things right whether we get back together in the future or not. I doubt that we will get back together and I am OK with that because the way it has been was not how it used to be. I am stiil very sad and would give anything to go back in time for just one day to feel like that again, but that is impossible. I hope we both find a love as wonderfull and as special as the love we onced shared with eachother sometime in the future. Thanks for all the advice. Has anyone ever felt this way about a love that was lost far before the breakup?

[justsweetgirl]

Yes, I have felt the same way. Wanting what was, not what is. I think it is mature of you to be able to see the distinction. You have had some time and gotten some clarity. There was a time when I would have given a year of my life to have one more day with my ex. But that was two years ago and now I am in a new relationship, a better one all around. I wish you the best.

[h_b_k_02]

Wow. Quite an update there.

 

Don't worry, I'm sure everybody broke N/C at least once before doing it outright, I know I did.

 

All I can say is that at least she said it is over forever, and I guess that does make it easier to care even just a bit less. My ex would always say "right now", and "IF we got back together" and quite frankly, I could almost feel the string on her finger.

 

That is what my whole "shelving" theory is all about. They go to look for something better for them. They keep you as the fallback. Don't play second fiddle to nobody, leave the situation before you see her with someone else and it becomes more acceptable.

 

You are right, she will break N/C eventually as will mine. We must be prepared for this, and have complete control of our emotions. If they start asking us (tables reversed) if we miss them, we must stay mum and not answer these types of questions, but rather reply that "I'd rather not answer that". Oh, and I know they will break N/C because, like I said, when you take away someone who has been there all the way through high school and post-secondary school, someone you've seen everyday, sure they miss us, regardless. They are too proud to admit it right now, but it will eat away at them and eventually their true feelings will have to show.

[Lonley26]

HBK you are right. She has not felt what it is like for me to not be there for her yet. I have talked to her everyday and seen her at least three times a week for the past three weeks. Once she realizes that I am no longer there for her physically or emotionally she will miss it. You are right 8 years is a long time to just go cold turkey. I am woking through my feelings as to what I will do, but I really dont think I would take her back at this point. Maybe in the future but I will not be her fallback and let her play me like a yo yo. I cant let her think that it is OK to do this again. I think that she will not want me back and I am beginning to accept that. Part of this whole breakup process seems to be that you want them to want you even if you are not sure if you want them. It is just weird. SHe had been saying if we get back together and in the future up until Sunday when she said for good. I think I smothered her backed her into a corner and she gets mean when that happens. She is really not a very strong person and I doubt that she will be able to stick with her plan. I am preparing for that and will do what I have to. I just have to stay strong especially when she is weak. Time is the only thing that will make things right for both of us either way.

[h_b_k_02]

I swear we're in almost an identical boat. We really are.

 

I wouldn't take mine back this minute either, but I also know she wouldn't call so soon. But I will not be a yoyo anymore either, she either takes me for who I am or she can live without me. She said she is scared to lose me, I guess now is when we both find out if she really does want to be with me or not.

 

The wild card in my problem though was and remains her parents. They actually haven't gotten over me yet LOL. They are the ones that are hindering her from being able to take another guy home to meet them, they want none of that. I get the feeling they are actually waiting for me to meet someone else before they let their own daughter have someone else. Funny how her parents unexpectedly took my side in all of this. They just want what is best for their daughter and even if I don't ever get back with her, I feel her friends are a real bad influence on her (I guess now I realize that my friends were part of the problem originally). I also truly believe that this guy she is seeing is dirt. Her mom has seen him and already told me she doesn't approve. I'm really just scared now that her parents are the reason if she comes back, because it will end again in that case.

 

I would like to hear a girl's opinion on this though. Is it really just a cop-out when they say they need time and space but want to stay friends, or in reality are they saying it's over but I don't want to just stop talking until I know you're okay?

[Lonley26]

She just called me and told me she misses me and asked me to come over and spend the night so I could hold me. I told her she cant do this and I wont let her do this to me and then she said I know and I'm sorry. She then said I guess I ll talk to you whenever and we hung up. I know I did the right thing but the thought of her hurting is killing me. Then about 10 minutes later she texed me "Im so sorry" This type of thing is what really makes this hard. Do you guys think I handled this correctly?

[Bellagrace]

I just read your posts and it is so similar to my situation. My boyfriend and I had been together for 8 years. We went to college together. I stayed to get my masters and he moved back home to get a job. Two months ago he broke up with me ( 2 days after valentines day) out of the blue. 4 days before we were talking about what we were going to name our children. I feel your pain. I am only at two weeks of n/c. Its not a long time but I am proud of how long I have lasted. I can't imagine life without him but I guess he can. It is a really hard thing to suck up. It really hit me hard when he told me that he never wanted children and can't see himself ever getting married (yeah I know, then why was he talking about names for his future kids???...........no idea). I think that your girlfriend is feeling similar feelings that my boyfriend is. They only know us. They want to experience something else for a change. Why it took them this long it beyond me. I would like to think that he will come back to me but should I ever take him back after what he has done to me....I think of him almost every minute that I am awake. I hear it gets easier but right now I m not so sure. I hope that you find comfort that others are in the same boat as you. It is bitter sweet but it also means that you are not alone, even though it feels like it. Keep your head up.

[hockeyboy]

She just called me and told me she misses me and asked me to come over and spend the night so I could hold me. I told her she cant do this and I wont let her do this to me and then she said I know and I'm sorry. She then said I guess I ll talk to you whenever and we hung up. I know I did the right thing but the thought of her hurting is killing me. Then about 10 minutes later she texed me "Im so sorry" This type of thing is what really makes this hard. Do you guys think I handled this correctly?

 

Yes! Thats exactly what you should have done, good job. I know its tempting, because you want to hold her, you want to be with her...but your putting the long run over the short run, something most of us can't do..well done