I'm not a cheater...and I cheated...boundary issues...

[Jezabelle73]

Alright...I'm not a cheater...and I cheated...my boyfriend of six months on the 1st of April, is overseas with the military...we are very close..and have been very honest with each other about all of the different aspects of our lives including our desires....one of his, one of many men, is seeing his gf with another woman...I wasn't sure what to do...I thought, I'll experiment...so I did in his presense...he went away...said if anything happens, take pictures, ha, ha....well, something finally did happen...but it happened with this womans husband....it started out as a group, everyone was drinking liquor...everyone passed out...there was no actual intercourse, but he did do other things to me...I did nothing to him....this woman did ask me to perform on her husband during the evening and I said no...while these things were happening with her husband, I stopped it before it went to the point of actual intercourse...Actually, I'm starting to wonder if I was taken advantage of in the state I was in....I've told my boyfriend, he's upset but has forgiven me...he has acknowledged the fact that he's basically egged me on in the situation, and I've expressed that that was part of it, but I take full responsibility...I've told him that if this is what's going to happen when we get involved in these situations, then I prefer not to be involved as he is much more important to me than any of these other things...he's agreed to back me up '150 million percent'....he's going to be here in 2 days....he's asked me to forgive myself...I have been doing so...now I want to do anything I can for him...he tells me to be myself...I tell him that if there's anything he ever needs to talk about...to do so and I will listen...we've decided to stick it out together...like I said, we are very close in a lot of ways...I don't want to feel like a cheater any more...I hate it...how do I show him that I'm not a cheater?

[RayKay]

I think first you are going to have to admit that you ARE a cheater. It may have been the first and last time you will ever do it...but much like an alchoholic has to admit he/she is one before they can fix the problem, you too must take responsibility for what you did. Don't try and shift blame and blame it on him taking advantage of you being drunk - you are an adult and are responsible for what you drink and to know when you are in a state where you are no longer in control.

 

I know that sounds harsh, but I think it is important that you DO admit that so you can do the right things to address the problem. You are very fortunate to have a boyfriend who is able to forgive you and wants to work on this with you together.

 

I think you need to analyze the reasons why you did, and how to not get into such a situation again. You may have been feeling loneluy, so try and find other ways to address that while your partner is away. Meet some new girlfriends, volunteer, take up a new sport. If it is a self esteem issue, maybe thing about the above things, but also counselling if required - you may want to do that anyway to learn how to recover from this, and if your partner came along that may help.

 

You are going to have to be very open and honest with your bf for the next while. Let him know where you are going, who with...it might take some time to rebuild that trust. Avoid situations like that again. If you get like that when you are drinking, know your limits in the future and don't cross them.

 

The best way to prove you are no longer a cheater is by your actions. In other words, don't do it and be honest and upfront. If you can't tell your partner about it/do it in front of them in my opinion its likely something that could be cheating. Again, you are fortunate he is willing to work through it, he must love you a lot, so return the love and work together to rebuild that trust.

 

Good luck

[justsweetgirl]

I think you and your boyfriend have a solid foundation in that you told him immediately and are working it out. Support and forgiveness are paramount. I am not sure why this happened, but it cannot be undone. Move on with the wisdom that it isn't worth repeating. You have too much to lose.

[Lonley26]

It is good that you told him right away, that is the most important thing you could have done. Everyone makes mistakes now and then. My x-girlfirend once cheated ( just kissing)on me when she was drunk years ago and told me the next day. I was very hurt but forgave her and our relationship got stronger. Just dont make the same mistake twice.

[Hope75]

Ok there are a few things wrong with this scenario. First, your bf encouraged you to cheat, which in itself is creepy and a little dysfunctional. I am a firm believer in spicing up your love life by trying new things, but when you introduce extra people into your love life and bedroom you are inviting trouble. Inevitably it always ends up that someone gets left out when the extra party and one member of the couple end up messing around. Someone usually gets hurt.

 

Additionally, yes you were drinking, but how much did you invite this attention from the woman's husband? You are making it sound like this was an assault. Was it? That is a whole other ballgame if that is the case.

 

If not, can you see why the husband thought it was OK to put the moves on you? His wife has no respect for thier marriage if she was sleeping with you so why should he?, and he saw that you did not respect your relationship because you were also stepping out on your guy (with or without his permission). This is the sort of behaviour that gives you a bad reputation and can set you up for further trouble.

 

Hate to say that you made your bed..... but you did.

[Jezabelle73]

As we all know...these postings are great because a person can get so many different kinds of opinions...I appreciate each and every one even though some of them were hard to read...I'm taking what I think is right, and leaving what I think is wrong....We got into a discussion about boundaries...cause I'm setting up firm ones based on this experience...and not wavering...yeah, it's a turn on for a lot of guys to think about their gf/wife with another woman...but there's a fine line between fantasy and reality, and for me, I now know this is a line that's never to be crossed again...Yeah, I understand the message I was conveying to others by being a part of these types of situations...no more...like I said...this has never been a part of my nature or makeup...and now I know it never again will be something to experiment with...I AM very lucky that he has been forgiving....our connection to each other is extremely strong and hopefully that will be what enables us to get through this...if anyone has any further input...I'm all eyes...

[RandomAdvisor]

I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. At all!

 

That kind of sexual behavior can and will throw a serious monkey wrench into a relationship if both partners aren't 100% comfortable with it. This was your boyfriend's idea, not yours. And then he walks away in the middle of it?? When there were other men around? You don't say so explicity, but I get the impression there were other people present as well. WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING? That the other guys wouldn't think you were fair game? Or did he put a sign around your neck that read "IF YOU HAVE A PENIS, KEEP YOUR HANDS (AND PENIS) OFF (AND OUT)!" that this other man didn't happen to see?

 

And on top of all of it, you didn't even do anything to this other man. You said no. So like I started my post off, you have nothing to be ashamed of! Forgive yourself. If anything, you should be demanding an apology from your boyfriend for putting you into that situation.

 

There are a couple of things you need to consider before you decide if you will move forward with your relationship or not. Are you and your boyfriend sexually compatable? Is this kind of adventerous sex necessary for your boyfriend to feel satisfied? Also, are you comfortable with him participating in orgies and threesomes without you? Think about those things carefully.

[Jezabelle73]

Whew...you just said a few things that I've been screaming from the inside...except there are a few missing facts...My boyfriend is from Canada...and I live in Florida...he's in the army, and is currently in Afghanistan...the deal is this...this other couple live near me..and I met my boyfriend because he lived accross the street while he was here for training...this other couple...they're VERY, VERY open about their sexual...um...adventures I'll just say...my bf and I never had relations with them prior to his initially going back to Canada 2 mos into our relationship....but that influence from the 'neighbors' was there...so bf would say things like, if anything happens, it's alright with me, just take pictures, girl on girl of course...well, part of our current thinking is this...we considered the female, female thing, but never factored this womans husband into the situation...and that's where we really screwed up...I, personally, think that we DEFINITELY didn't think the situation through...and yeah, there were more people there...I was never undressed the entire evening...this woman asked me to perform on her husband...and supposedly they are both friends of mine, AND of my bf....hmmmm...doesn't sound right does it?? You know...bf will be here in less than 24 hours now...and neither of us can wait....we have definitely learned from this situation though....I have told him that I have drawn that boundary...If that kind of thing is capable of having that severe of an impact and consequences on a relationship I consider SOoooooo important, then I want no part of it....and he has agreed to back me up '150 million percent.' I do appreciate your questions though, and think I will definitely make a point of asking him....Thanks!!!!!