It's Not The Distance

[SJ337Y]

Looking for advice

 

So here is my situation....

 

My current boyfriend and I live in two different countries but only about an hour apart. He is in the US and I'm in Canada. It isn't really far its just inconvenient. He has a job in law enforcement in his state. I am currently working and going to school. I live with my parents still. I have a very good opportunity and should be making decent money in a few months. Double what he makes* We are both in our twenties and plan to move in with each other in a year or so. The only thing is- I'm the one he expects to move to the US. He won't even consider moving to Canada. With the US dollar being very high right now the Canadian dollar being low this means if I save up and move over there I'm losing 30% of my money along with my job, although he could support me and would I don't feel comfortable with that. We are for the most part very happy together but we only see each other every other weekend and the odd time during the week. I would have to change my whole life to live there and I definitely would. My problem is that I would like him to feel the same way and do anything to be with me- as I would him. I eventually would like to have my own family and Canada is a much safer country with a lot less crime. I feel very comfortable living here but it is a small town. For now it doesn't really matter and there isn't much I can do about our situation until I'm ready to move. We have lots of fun together and he is a very good person. I'm not really an attention seeking person and don't have many people to talk to about this thats why I feel like writing on here would be a good way to get some advise and opinions. I'm not really needy in relationships either but I just want to feel that the person I'm with cares about me so so so much. I need a lot of emotion from the person that I'm with and I feel like I just can't find that with someone. I've felt that way in my past relationship as well and he told me that nobody would ever be good enough for me..

 

Please feel free to comment and help me out, I appreciate it!

[gebaird]

Giving up a good-paying job is a pretty serious sacrifice, but he'd be giving things up, too, to come live with you. Does this decision have to be made right now? I would look long and hard at your need to be cared about "so so so much." The only way for him to prove that to you is to do something you don't seem willing to do. Perhaps it feels justified in your mind because of the better job and lower crime, etc. but he clearly doesn't see it that way, and he's the one you need to convince. One of you has to move to the other person's country if you're going to make this work. Could you get a job in the U.S.? Would you be resentful if you gave up your job and left your country for him? If so, why are you asking him to do that very same thing for you?

[MissCanuck]

I would first very much consider the logistics of moving to the US.

 

I'm also a Canadian living abroad, and the issues surrounding residency and obtaining a work permit can be very tricky. Would the plan be to move in with him? Or just live near him? Is your job the kind that a foreign employer would be willing to sponsor?

 

The same goes for him. I know our countries are next-door neighbours but it's not always very easy to be able to legally work and reside in the other place.

[SJ337Y]

The job I will have is licenced for Canada only. My boyfriend is buying a house in the US soon. He wants me to move in but in order for me to work legally the process is easier to start once you are engaged you can apply for a visa. But this still means I would be out of work. I would have to find another job if I moved there. It will probably be another few years before we get engaged. I just want to know that he would go through the same thing just to be with me. If im making more money it makes more sense for him to move here. I'm usually the one to go over there because it's easier for us to be alone. Since I live with my parents. We just want to be together and start a life. It takes time I guess but I'd still like to know he would go through the same process to be with me..

[gebaird]

The job I will have is licenced for Canada only. My boyfriend is buying a house in the US soon. He wants me to move in but in order for me to work legally the process is easier to start once you are engaged you can apply for a visa. But this still means I would be out of work. I would have to find another job if I moved there. It will probably be another few years before we get engaged. I just want to know that he would go through the same thing just to be with me. If im making more money it makes more sense for him to move here. I'm usually the one to go over there because it's easier for us to be alone. Since I live with my parents. We just want to be together and start a life. It takes time I guess but I'd still like to know he would go through the same process to be with me..

 

I think you're jumping the gun here, trying to feel secure about a hypothetical future. I'd slow down, enjoy the relationship as it now is, go with the flow, start your career and allow the future to unfold on its own terms. Even if you got this all figured out in your mind, and even if he told you all the things you wanted to hear, there is always a measure of uncertainty in every situation. Calm your fears, focus on the present and stop borrowing sorrow from tomorrow.

[tattoobunnie]

Being in Law Enforcement in United States is an amazing gig. Are you able to get a license for it in the US? What is it?

[reinventmyself]

I get what you are saying because I have been in your situation.

 

When faced with making these huge compromises, you would like to know your partner would be just as willing to do the same for the sake of the relationship.

 

Making these types of sacrifices causes you to feel somewhat vulnerable if you feel you partner wouldn't consider doing the same for you and the relationship.

 

So why take this leap if it isn't at least as important to him?

 

Am I close?

[SJ337Y]

Yes!!

 

You understand what I mean. I would do anything for my boyfriend but I just want to know he would at least consider doing the same for me.

[reinventmyself]

Yes!!

 

You understand what I mean. I would do anything for my boyfriend but I just want to know he would at least consider doing the same for me.

 

I've had two LDRS. My first one came to an impasse and we broke up.

He refused to move from where he lived. I had more at stake then he did.

(he worked from home, rented a room from a friend, wasn't close to family and friends. . and granted, he lived in a very beautiful area)

. . honestly having just listed that, he had nothing at stake.

 

I had all the above, friends, family, job, pets, mortgage. I might have considering moving, but what nagged at me was he unwillingness to even consider the possibility. That's all I wanted. It suggested to me, his lack of commitment to the relationship.

At least that's how I interpreted it.

I wasn't willing to risk everything for someone who wasn't at least willing to give up so much, which in the end was less than I had to.

So I ended it.

 

He came back 6 mo's later, willing to move. But in the end we broke up for a variety of other reasons.

That and knew in my heart he wouldn't be happy in my area.

 

I wish you luck. I think you still have some time to see how things play out.

But between now and then start having some conversations with him about it.

Remember, it's not about you against him. Go into with a team spirit and open mind. A

sk him his opinions how to go about this so it's fair and equitable for the

both of you. Listen to his response and let him know how it makes you feel.

 

It's better to learn now . .then invest more time into something that doesn't come to fruition.