commitment/confidence

[Ery1988]

so me and the guy I have been seeing/dating intensely for the past 20 months have had issues dealing with my ex whilst I was getting divorced. my ex seems to have now backed down and left us alone for some 6-7 months now. iv spoken to my ex husband about my relationship and he says he no longer cares (but can I believe him).

 

anyway... the guy im now seeing is finding it hard to commit because of our previous hardships. he shows willingness to work things out, and is suggesting timidly I meet his parents, and has indicated he is ok with starting to see my children again. (we decided not to involve the children after having problems with my ex)...

 

the person im in a relationship now...however says he wants me to instill confidence in him that my ex no longer interferes in my life (like he used u last year)... how can I do this? my new bf doesn't spend a lot of time with me to see that my ex is no longer part of my life or affects it. but how can I make him more comfortable so that he can get ready to commit to a proper relationship with me?

[jujusamples]

This is a bit too vague. What was your ex doing that was inferring with your new relationship?

[Ery1988]

my ex was calling and threatening us... punched him in the street out side his office ... my ex would continuously interrogate me about what I was doing, who with and where.... since our divorce finalised and I moved out of the old home and bought my own home...my ex has completely stopped this behaviour and only seems interested in the kids.

[jujusamples]

my ex was calling and threatening us... punched him in the street out side his office ... my ex would continuously interrogate me about what I was doing, who with and where.... since our divorce finalised and I moved out of the old home and bought my own home...my ex has completely stopped this behaviour and only seems interested in the kids.

 

Oh wow, I'm sorry you and your boyfriend had to endure that type of abuse from your ex.

 

I say, your boyfriend probably just needs more time. I mean, he's probably somewhat traumatized as he got punched by your ex. Would couples counselling be an option? With something that extreme, counselling might help you and your boyfriend talk this through and see what you could do to better your relationship.

 

I had to ask, why didn't you press charges on your ex for the threats and not to mention, he physically hurt your boyfriend?

[Ery1988]

we did press charges... and ended up in court. with my ex pleading guilty and the case closed really quickly...

[Wiseman2]

He has a great point. It's you job to manage your ex including using lawyers, courts, etc. to arrange the divorce and child support and scheduled visitation/custody. And you repeatedly failed to get a restraining order.

 

You need excellent boundaries. Stop chatting with the ex except to discuss child issues. Your bf should not be sitting there while your ex contacts you 100 x times, shows up unexpectedly, creates drama, etc. It's up to you to nip that in the bud with good lawyers and good court decisions. Not for him, but for yourself and your kids.

 

Maybe there's too much water under the bridge and he's burned out. However, he stayed with you while you allowed this drama so maybe this is an excuse to stall the relationship. Did you recently have a "relationship talk" about going forward?

he wants me to instill confidence in him that my ex no longer interferes in my life.

[Ery1988]

I had the resraining orders they are all finished...and me and my ex are now settled and agreed visitation and everything is calm now.

 

we have had the relationship talk...and he has agreed to try things out slowly, and to slowly expose himself to my kids again.

 

but how do I make him confident that these issues are in the past?

[Wiseman2]

Solid Poof. Show him the paper work from the courts and attorneys regarding court ordered visitation, a finalized divorce, including a renewed restraining order.

I don't blame him for avoiding you when you had this ex creating drama and you let restraining orders run out and have no proof of court intervention and did ad hoc visitation.

 

He doesn't have to spend time with your kids, why? Other than that why rush him? Other than you taking the right actions, you are not responsible nor have a crystal ball regarding your ex.

 

So renew the restraining order and get proper court intervention regarding the kids. Stop crossing your fingers and playing it by ear with the ex. "He's calm for now" is zero reassurance, so don't expect him to jump back in your fire.

 

That's what he's talking about.

I had the resraining orders they are all finished...and me and my ex are now settled and agreed visitation and everything is calm now. we have had the relationship talk..to slowly expose himself to my kids again.

[ParisPaulette]

The only way you can do that is simply by taking it slow, and letting him see for himself that your ex isn't going to attack or stalk him any longer. That just takes time, so give the man time. Not seeing your ex call you repeatedly all of one day won't do it.

 

Plus yeah, you should take it slow. Very slow. You just got out of this relationship with a pretty unstable sounding guy, you have kids, there should not be a rush to do anything right now, but put you and your kids new life together. If the boyfriend is serious and willing to stick it out then you don't have to "prove" anything beyond just letting him have a relationship and time with you himself to see it's all okay.

 

Outside of that there isn't anything you can do. If you're wanting to rush this to move in with the guy, then you need to put those plans on hold, because again the only real proof you have to offer is a long period of time in which the ex no longer causes problems. That's done in the day to day, not in one day or even one week or one month.