Dating detox...thoughts?

[KMO7970]

I never used to believe that people should wait until they are completely healed from something before embarking on the next similar "thing." This can, of course, mean relationships, friendships, or any situation from which we need to heal. If everyone waited until they were healed from all baggage, nothing would ever get done, right?

 

I have decided to do a true dating detox, though. Looking back, I have spent the past 3.5 years almost continuously either fretting and stressing over some guy, or healing from a breakup. This is going to mean quite a long time before I go out there, trying to get male attention, dating, etc. Curious as to the thoughts of others who have embarked on a similar journey. Not seeking advice, just seeking opinions and experiences. Thanks!

[Waraqqa]

Most of my life I didn't follow any kind of "rules" before, I just did what felt right. And I think it was good. The problems for me start if I ignore intuition.

 

But it all depends on specifics also. Few years back, I had split from someone I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It was difficult, and for the first two weeks I hurt so much I couldn't sleep. Then I got involved with the next guy who was interested in me. It really helped me to get over the lost love. I had started sleeping again and quickly felt better. Unfortunately, this "next guy" was bad news, but nevertheless, the rebound helped.

 

Another time I was exiting a traumatic thing, and then my head was all over the place. Then I met someone great, but getting involved was a bad idea, b/c I couldn't feel things properly, it was like through a fog. So, I wasn't really in touch with myself.

 

From what I can see in my experiences, I think it depends on whether you are exiting a healthy thing or something that was traumatic and not so healthy. But also, sometimes rebounds are worth it, if it can save months of agony and clear the head. As long as it's consentual, careful healthwise, and doesn't create other casualties. Other times, it is really worth it to lick the wounds in solitude and process all the stuff out; to feel like your own person and stand on your two feet before giving your heart to someone new. If you are weak and swaying all over the place, it is likely to mess up the new relationship. Or old unhealed wounds - resentment, any negative habits or patterns - may seep into the new thing. Actually, that could happen anyway. Sometimes even old memory/urge from 10 years ago may resurface and jerk your mind around affecting the present.

 

Perhaps I am contradicting myself all over the place...

[KMO7970]

I have also done the rebound thing, sometimes consciously and other times subconsciously, and it worked for the time being until the old wounds surfaced again. I don't think I have been truly single and date-free for any longer than maybe 6 months in the last 12 years or so. There were some VERY unhealthy relationships in there. Since I've never actually taken the time to process everything without the distraction of some other dude's attention, I figure it's worth a shot. It also helps that I'm planning a cross-country move within the next few months, so I don't want to get attached to someone in my current city. Thank you for your input, and hope you are having a great day!

[rich46]

I never used to believe that people should wait until they are completely healed from something before embarking on the next similar "thing." This can, of course, mean relationships, friendships, or any situation from which we need to heal. If everyone waited until they were healed from all baggage, nothing would ever get done, right?

Let's say you were unfortunate enough to break your leg in a skiing accident.

 

Would you wait for it to fully heal, or would you hit the slopes before your recovery was complete?

[KMO7970]

Right. To be fair, that's a bit different (I'm a physical therapist, actually, so your example hits home for me in a different way!). Thing is, we all have emotional baggage. I don't believe there isn't a single person out there who isn't healing from something, yet we press on. Either way, I think it would do me some good to really try to fully heal for a bit, at least as much as possible, as far as relationships go. Thanks for your input.

[Waraqqa]

Another thing I notice is that the baggage adds up over the years. While in my twenties I could have a short-term relationship here and there, now in my mid-thirties it all seems to have piled up so high that it feels I overfilled my quota capacity. Part of me feels I would love to give a chance to a new person now, I would want to fall in love again. It has been long enough. The other part of me feels like I squeezed myself out dry and gave the last bits of whatever romantic love I had to my recent ex, and there is nothing left to give anymore. The next time someone comes around and professes his feelings, I either won't believe that it can last, or have nothing left to give back.

 

I can't give my love all over the place anymore. To one, and another, and another. I am selective and don't get involved with just anyone, but I'd much rather have all of that love and intimacy and invest it into one man - one secure and lasting relationship, instead of spreading myself thin.

 

Also, over the years there's this terrible feeling that nothing is new anymore. Like when occasionally you get together with someone, and some small thing in them reminds you of x, y, or z you dated 2, 5, 7 years ago. And over the years it just piles up and gets confusing. Why is it happening?

 

So yes, for the above reasons and to avoid feeling like I am now, it can be a great idea to take some time by yourself and truly enjoy and be with yourself, without being sidetracked around by one experience after another.

[rich46]

Right. To be fair, that's a bit different (I'm a physical therapist, actually, so your example hits home for me in a different way!). Thing is, we all have emotional baggage. I don't believe there isn't a single person out there who isn't healing from something, yet we press on. Either way, I think it would do me some good to really try to fully heal for a bit, at least as much as possible, as far as relationships go. Thanks for your input.

Yeah fair point.

 

I have had three long term relationships in my life (2-4 years in duration) and I have always given myself 12-18 months to fully get over each one. Other personality types might be different, but I am something of a 'loner' in that I enjoy my own company a lot, so it has never been a hardship for me to spend a significant amount of time without a partner. Far from it, in fact.

 

I dedicate these periods of alone time to reflecting on the relationship, reevaluating where I am in life, set some short and long term goals for myself, read read read on issues I think I need to educate myself on, and always do lots and lots of solo travel to places where I have always wanted to go.

 

The result is that i feel refreshed after this alone time, and ready to get out and meet someone again. Certainly not because I 'need' someone, as might have been the case in that panicky phase 3-6 months post-break up, but because I 'want' to. I feel at that stage right now and it has actually been two years since my last break up, but I am deliberately avoiding meeting someone because I know I will be moving away from my current abode later in the year and don't want to disrupt my plans. But soon.

 

There are no rules, but it seems like you have realised that some time alone will do you good, and hopefully you will realise when the time is right to get out there again, be it next month, a year, or whatever.

[Wiseman2]

good idea to wait until your move to start a new life and make new friends and date new people.

 

However while jumping from rebound to rebound is like taking drugs to distract, the monk route can lead to social atrophy and ruminating unless there is a concerted effort to get the baggage out of the way.

 

Hiding from reality is no healthier than hiding in bad relationships.. Some people have relationship bulimia. It's binge or starve but never healthy.

I'm planning a cross-country move within the next few months, so I don't want to get attached to someone in my current city. Thank you for your input, and hope you are having a great day!

[KMO7970]

Also, over the years there's this terrible feeling that nothing is new anymore. Like when occasionally you get together with someone, and some small thing in them reminds you of x, y, or z you dated 2, 5, 7 years ago. And over the years it just piles up and gets confusing. Why is it happening?

 

Yes, oh my goodness! This happens to me also. I get that there will be overlap with human idiosyncrasies, but it's just too much to handle sometimes!

[KMO7970]

Rich46, yes, I believe I will know when the time is right! It's certainly not right now, a mere 2 weeks after a breakup. I am also moving so that serves as a good reason for me to just play it solo for a while. Twelve to 18 months sounds like a very good detox window. I am a bit of a loner, too, and see this detox for me as a way to stop needing that validation of having some dude out there wanting to talk to me/get to know me/being attracted to me, etc. I seem to be at my healthiest when I'm not attached, but never allow that for very long.

 

Wiseman2, good advice yet again! I agree that swinging the pendulum too far in the opposite direction can also be an unhealthy thing. I am very much that feast-or-famine person. At the moment, I am just staying away from dating sites and really not setting my attention on hoping to meet a guy when I'm out and about. I have been spending a lot more time with my female friends and it has felt great. We will see how this experiment goes.

[SooSad33]

Yes, IMO.. it is best to always take care of YOU... mentally & emotionally stable in order to be able to 'give' to someone whole- heartedly.

 

I don't understand HOW anyone can go from one relationship fail.. into another within weeks, etc? But some do, and I beleieve they are NOT dealing with their capabilities or lack of, at all.

 

Some guy I know got involved with probably half a dozen women within a year- all short term relations.. ick!

I tried something with 2... and have now been single 9 months. And in no hurry! .. Continuing to work on ME.

 

My take on all of this is... I feel as we get older, yes, as mentioned.. things can add up on you- mentally. Scarred.. afraid to get hurt.. again ( so you put walls up, etc). All due to rough experiences.. repeatedly.

 

Also, as I see it, we get older and our lives change.. a lot! We have kids to care for.. jobs.. family etc.

So it's like.. 'this is my life, can you handle it?". Most often.. NO.

Compatibility is a BIG thing.. and usually into our 40's we are 'set in our ways', so is very hard to find someone we click with.

 

So, yeah.. MANY things to consider... from experiences.. to differences.. etc.

 

I am mentally & emotionally exhuasted at this time in my life and know I have nothing to 'give'... therefore, not looking.. to and up hurting someone else- when I know I'm not really into it.

 

I am single, and Im sure I will be for a while yet.

 

Therapy has been helpful, trying to work things out and helps me continue to work on myself.

 

Never feel you NEED to be involved- especially for the wrong reasons, like way too many seem to be doing

[Waraqqa]

good idea to wait until your move to start a new life and make new friends and date new people.

 

However while jumping from rebound to rebound is like taking drugs to distract, the monk route can lead to social atrophy and ruminating unless there is a concerted effort to get the baggage out of the way.

 

Hiding from reality is no healthier than hiding in bad relationships.. Some people have relationship bulimia. It's binge or starve but never healthy.

 

Totally! I noticed the social atrophy symptoms when I am in the monk phase. I think it is healthy at least surround oneself with friends to prevent that, so one doesn't go too peculiar by the time one finally meets someone. The problem is, it's not always a choice. If you live an uprooted life with limited social outlets, the monkhood may be imposed by circumstances. But yes, it's something to mind - if one has hungered for too long, one can kind of explode onto the new person and go too far or too fast instead of being steady.

[KMO7970]

Yes. I'm a little worried about monkhood when I first move, as I'm rather shy and quiet as a default. I do have a couple friends where I'm going, though, and I guess I can suffer through a few meetups if need be! I don't want to make dating my social life as, really, that's more of a faux-cial life if you ask me.

[Waraqqa]

Are you moving to a different country or just different city within the same country? But yes, you put it well - dating life should not replace the whole social life. That's often my problem. And last year it affected me a lot, as my ex was not only my romantic interest but pretty much the only friend I had in the whole city. That was not very healthy and made the post-situation more difficult to cope with.

[KMO7970]

Different city within the same country, but I'm in the US, so it's a huge move! It's so easy to fall into that dating trap and then, just like you had mentioned, the clinging starts. That never ends well, in my experience. Like you, I'm in a very transient area right now and I think where I am going is also transient, so that's all the more reason to be slow and cautious to get involved with someone. It'll certainly be a nice change of pace and scenery, though.

[Waraqqa]

Well, at least the change of pace and scenery will do you good to detach from the past and start a new fresh chapter. That can be very positive!

And yes, if your instincts tell you to be slow and cautious, listen to them and don't get carried into anything before you are fully ready.