Feeling really lost and need some help

[ElCrazay]

Hi,

 

I just joined this forum so please forgive me if I say or do anything I shouldn't. Also, please don't judge me, I will say some things I did wrong and I know I they were not good things to do, I'm trying to be a better person... I'll do my best to keep it brief, but here's my problem(s)..

 

My girlfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me, three weeks ago. She is 24, I'm 21 (22 this year), but age has never been a problem for us as I'm more mature than most guys my age.

For the most part it was really great, she told me she loved me like no one else and I was the ideal guy for her (she's Polish, she has certain old fashioned expectations of a guy), I was both a gentleman and threw in a modern twist of modern helpful guy in there.

 

But we were not without problems...back in 2015, I became complacent with work and college (last year before I got into Uni) and she cheated on me emotionally (her self confidence is really, really low). It broke my confidence and I became paranoid and it was like I kept her on a leash, I didn't mean to, but I did, indirectly. Eventually she broke up with me for a week and we didn't talk to each other during that week, but I did some things I'm not proud of whatsoever during that week.

The problems with me started when I got her back after that week, she asked me if I had been with anyone else...I told her no. I lied, and it was the start of a long and steep road down to where I am now.

Things went great, but then I was starting Uni, I study Forensic Psychology and it got pretty dark, and I got into financial problems, and I saved face and my ego got the better of me and I just put on a smile and was perfect around her. She is understanding but...not always, sometimes she told me to man up with certain things which I needed to talk about.

This all lead to me starting to two time with an old 'friend with benefits' of mine, it only happened twice (once in 2015, the other in 2016), but nonetheless I ended up lying to both my girlfriend and my 'friend with benefit'. During those two times, it got physical.

I also went on a 'date' with another woman in the same town, nothing physical happened, but I still hid it from my girlfriend...and this other woman. The problem here was that I got paranoid this other woman would see me and my girlfriend walking around and my girlfriend would discover what I did, and I didn't want to hurt her.

Finally, I also ended up messaging an old flame whilst drunk, who knew I was with my girlfriend at the time and decided to message my girlfriend on FB with a copy of what I sent her. My girlfriend discovered this message in her message request folder on FB 8 months later, whilst we were already living together after those 8 months. She asked me if there was anything else I had done, and I lied again, and said no.

I tried to clean up my act, but the guilt of the other things just got to me, I ended up caving in about the date I had with that other woman.

 

But I started drinking, I was depressed from Uni, still had financial problems which even she could not clear up, I was honestly contemplating death and how all of this would be easier if I died. Even my coursemates told me I should change course. I gained weight, I didn't go to the gym, I became self loathing and stayed at home and when she offered to go out I was so consumed by paranoia of meeting this other woman (even though I had confessed already) I just snapped at her.

 

In the end, the last thing was bugging me, in my head, my two timing with this 'friend with benefits', whom I was scared would contact my girlfriend and they would start talking and then they would both find out they would be played...in the long run I cared more about my girlfriend's feelings than this 'friend with benefits' of mine, I told myself that hiding things from my girlfriend would be the lesser of two evils and she shouldn't have to live with the pain of my mistakes.

 

She woke me up three weeks ago and told me she was not happy and hadn't been for a few months...and yet, she still loved me, but, not like she loved me before. She could not deal with the lies and mistrust and the paranoia.

I was no longer the sweet guy she fell in love with, who made her feel amazing like at the start of our relationship. She said she needed to be alone, but in the long run, she wanted me by her side as a friend. She considers me her best friend because despite everything I was always there for her, and took care of her, I never let her down... It took me a week to move out but eventually she got mad at me and said she didn't want to talk to me for a while, so as of two weeks we are at no contact.

 

That's the backstory. And again, I know what I did was wrong, horrible, deceitful, but the lows you stoop to when you are depressed are terrible (and I'm not using mental illness as an free pass for all for my behaviour like I don't understand it, I come from a family of mental health disorders) and they truly made me a self loathing human being. I hit rock bottom.

 

Now my questions...

 

1) My biggest problem is that I still have this unresolved thing of this 'friend with benefits' and my ex. The 'friend with benefits' is in a committed relationship now, and believes me and my ex are still together... and still views me as a close friend who understands her, and yet, I don't want my ex to be hurt by my stupid mistakes. I have three options...

-Tell my ex and confess to it now we're broken up, but that will hurt her unnecessarily, and the last thing she needs now is more of my crap.

-Confess to the 'friends with benefits' that I lied to her and made her believe I was single just to get physical comfort which I (thought) I needed. I'm scared this will backfire and she will decide to tell my ex who will just be even more hurt that she didn't hear it from me...

-Or, tell this friend with benefits it's time to move on from each other and just tell her not to contact me because she doesn't need me around anymore because she has someone (we said to each other that once one of us finds a committed relationship our 'adventure' would be over, obviously I lied but she believes that still).

 

As you can see, maybe I am overthinking things here, and my ex owes me nothing, and vice versa, but I'm so scared of the past coming to haunt me and affecting whatever strand of hope I have of reconciliation with my ex.

 

2) I know, this is a long shot, but despite everything me and my ex had a deep love for each other at a point. It was really, really secure. And I am sticking to the no contact rule and trying to better myself (I'm going to the gym, trying to be positive, trying to become a better person), and yet, I can't help but wonder if there is a chance to win her back in the future...she even told me before we broke up, 'a man who fights for what is his is certainly an attractive trait...so, yeah, I know the odds are low, but I'm trying to be better. To quote BoJack Horseman: 'I have to be better', and I want to.

But my question would be, how, in theory, would I do this? Win her back? This links to question 1, if it ever happens, I want it to be a clean slate.

 

3) Finally, I just want someone to tell me that, despite what I did wrong...am I still a good human being? Or can I be? I know nothing can change the past but I would got to hell and back to make it better, to be better. I never want to hit rock bottom again, I hate that I lie, I looked at myself in the mirror and hated who I had become...but I'm trying to change.

 

Despite what I did, I love my ex. She brought light into my life and even though I turned away, it is still...light. I can't describe it, she was like that matching jigsaw puzzle piece that completed my puzzle. And I accept that I may not ever get her back, but it won't stop me loving her, and being a better person for her, because of her, and of course for myself.

 

I really need some guidance, so, thanks for reading.

 

Josh

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Don't beat yourself up over this. She was no angel, either. You went off track with school money, etc.

 

Ok sometimes we do stupid stuff, it happens and often two people just bring out the worst in each other. Sounds like that here.

 

Just get back on track with your uni and work and finances. Start working out, develop a self improvement mission...mentally socially, physically.. You can pull this back together. But you have to go no contact with her.

 

She's not the only one who'll fit you like a puzzle piece. That one is still around the corner and you can't see that from here yet.

[ElCrazay]

Hi,

 

Thanks for the quick reply...I would say there came a point where we brought out the worst in each other but towards the end she was trying so hard and I was just so consumed with self-hatred...it's tricky. If I had to use more words then this would be twice as long. I know she's not the only one out there, but, I still want to try again, or at least salvage a friendship down the road. In any case I'm no contact for two weeks now and still going strong.

 

In regards to some of the questions I asked at the end of my post, do you have any advice? Am I overthinking, or not, and is there anything I can do which will minimise damage/hurt?

[Angel25]

Hey

what u did was ofcourse not good. Being in two relations at the time makes no sense bcoz u r not clear to yourself too

bt according to me now whtevr u hv done u hv done it. it's time for correction go to the one who love n u love the most n confess wht u hv done if ur relation is abt to over or anything like that than why with guilt atleast tell all u did n also that u hv gone through this period n how much guilt u hv felt

after telling her i dont know wht will be her reaction bt whtevr it will be atleast will be better than thinking lots of stuff that wht shld i do or wht shld i not etc

tell her n give ur mind some rest n than start ur studies with full efforts as it seems u cn do it.

u were nt able bcoz ur mind was not stable n hence it resulted in less concentration n efforts

Good Luck