Flashbacks haunting me

[DrkHrt]

Just having a moment, so I thought I'd just post here to 'empty' my thought tank.

Whilst I have begun to make small steps towards acceptance and healing, I am left mentally scarred with the images of things that I discovered the other day.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, my ex had posted some very explicit and highly suggestive material on his twitter that he was probably unfaithful.

As if dealing with the breakup wasn't bad enough, I am now left with these constant flashings in my head of him being with other people during the relationship.

It's making me question what the relationship even was, as I feel as if I was with someone who was potentially living a double life.

The weirdest thing is, I'm not even angry. I just feel sickened with these constant images that I have in my brain now.

Yes, while it may be good that it is helping me see him for the rat he is, it's also left me feeling like, 'who was I with for 4 years? What did any of those years really mean?'

I look back on certain times in the relationship and now question that what I thought was going on, may not have been happening.

Unlike a lot of couples, we didn't live together so we spent a great deal of time apart. I would always just believe whatever he would tell me- that he was at work, that his phone was dead, that he was at home doing nothing etc- you know, the usual stuff exes say when you're away from them.

Now I question all of that.

 

He knows that I know about the account as it all came out last year, and I forgave him and we continued with the relationship. But he doesn't know that I've looked on there since, in closer detail, and seen some s**t that suggests infidelity. I was going to tell him what I know but decided not to do that since we're separated now, and he will only get mad, deny it and somehow make ME feel bad.

 

Has anyone experienced anything like this?

[Dahl]

I'm sorry, DrkHrt. What a dreadful quagmire this chap's left in his wake.

 

I've read your posts. From my impression of you and this situation, I would submit this for your consideration - across the board, if you find it helpful:

 

You are an inherently honest person, with an intelligently and sensitively developed set of ethics and an estimable degree of real integrity. I see nowhere or reason in what you've shared to suggest that you were foolhardy or feckless in your approach to this. You know yourself to be profoundly trustworthy and you extended trust to someone who gave you every assurance that your faith was well placed.

 

I know this doesn't negate the horrible fallout from what he's now disgracing himself doing, nor what ugly implications it has to your understanding of what he'd presented you as factual about the time you spent with him. His choices are mind-boggling and wholly dishonorable.

 

But please don't reflect on any of his heinous behavior and allow it to instill doubt on your own. You are a good egg. Your behavior is the manifestation of your character. Just as his is on him.

 

Whatever he's doing, has done or may do next, it speaks solely to him and his character. I am appalled by the way it's unnerving and disheartening you and I don't blame you a lick for your reaction. But perhaps try on the practice of consciously choosing to eschew all thoughts of him when and as they arise, paying as little mind as possible to them in the process, irrespective of their particulars.

 

They and him are truly not worth your time or grey matter.

 

I'm rooting for you! Be well.

[hrb23]

Just having a moment, so I thought I'd just post here to 'empty' my thought tank.

Whilst I have begun to make small steps towards acceptance and healing, I am left mentally scarred with the images of things that I discovered the other day.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, my ex had posted some very explicit and highly suggestive material on his twitter that he was probably unfaithful.

As if dealing with the breakup wasn't bad enough, I am now left with these constant flashings in my head of him being with other people during the relationship.

It's making me question what the relationship even was, as I feel as if I was with someone who was potentially living a double life.

The weirdest thing is, I'm not even angry. I just feel sickened with these constant images that I have in my brain now.

Yes, while it may be good that it is helping me see him for the rat he is, it's also left me feeling like, 'who was I with for 4 years? What did any of those years really mean?'

I look back on certain times in the relationship and now question that what I thought was going on, may not have been happening.

Unlike a lot of couples, we didn't live together so we spent a great deal of time apart. I would always just believe whatever he would tell me- that he was at work, that his phone was dead, that he was at home doing nothing etc- you know, the usual stuff exes say when you're away from them.

Now I question all of that.

 

He knows that I know about the account as it all came out last year, and I forgave him and we continued with the relationship. But he doesn't know that I've looked on there since, in closer detail, and seen some s**t that suggests infidelity. I was going to tell him what I know but decided not to do that since we're separated now, and he will only get mad, deny it and somehow make ME feel bad.

 

Has anyone experienced anything like this?

 

Hello DrkHrt. Thanks for the advice on my thread linked here

 

I'm going to quote you back to my OP from that thread now.

 

One night in October this year she went through my phone as I slept, she had done this once before. She found a bunch of messages which proved me guilty. I had been flirting with other girls. Nothing more, and nothing beyond a wink face. She “forgave” me and we moved on.

 

After what she had done to me in the past, I struggled intensely to trust her, it made me angry and whenever I suspected foul play I would retaliate.

 

Twitter was my outlet.

 

I would send messages to friendly girls that showed interest in me and we would casually flirt. It meant NOTHING. Sometimes my girlfriend just left me feeling lonely or other times she would make me angry. This was my outlet. Talking to girls that would help me forget about all the problems in my relationship. Girls that would say the right things and be NICE to me.

 

I want you to know that the following may or may not be the case with the behavior your ex displayed:

 

I only loved my girlfriend. I only cared about my girlfriend. I never progressed anything with any of the said girls I spoke to on twitter because I had no real interest in them. I used them as an outlet without hurting them in any way. It wasn't to 'get back' at my ex it was just to stop me feeling so lonely which she would do to me often. At the end of the day it meant NOTHING to me.

 

She forgave me for it just like you forgave your ex. After that I treated her better than I've ever treat anyone before. I grabbed that second chance with both hands. Ultimately it didn't work out. The point is I was proud of myself for trying so hard to rectify my mistake because I knew I was in the wrong. If he shows no signs of remorse, and even worse BLAMES YOU, that IS a problem.

 

It's up to him to make this right, and up to you on whether or not you give him that chance.

[DrkHrt]

Dahl, that has to be one of the most accurate and uplifting things I have read on here.

There wasn't a single part of that that didn't make sense- and I feel like someone actually understands my motives/reactions to this situation.

However erratic and up/down my posts have been since I started posting, the simple fact is that it is a reflection of the kind of dedication and trust that I instill in others. I take my relationships with people seriously- and I'm not perfect, I'm a continual work in progress. But if you are a spouse, a family member, a friend, colleague of mine, I will be extremely loyal and think highly of you. Hence, I have a tendency to fight for people who mean something to me. This is often considered a bad move, but it's my nature.

Some people can switch off their feelings for someone when they find things out- I am not one of them.

At times I have posted on here and felt that I am weak and silly for 'holding on' or placing him on a pedestal.

But now I understand, and especially with your many kind and insightful posts, I am not the 'problem'. It's reminding me of my good qualities and it doesn't really matter if many others don't 'understand' me, the fact that one person gets it means the world to me.

 

I have been making gradual baby steps anyway- I just had an emotional morning so figured it was best to empty those emotions here. And I'm glad I did.

It is simply encouraging and helping me to learn to love and appreciate my qualities and not think of them necessarily as 'flaws'.

 

Thank you so much.

[Dahl]

Dahl, that has to be one of the most accurate and uplifting things I have read on here.

There wasn't a single part of that that didn't make sense- and I feel like someone actually understands my motives/reactions to this situation.

However erratic and up/down my posts have been since I started posting, the simple fact is that it is a reflection of the kind of dedication and trust that I instill in others. I take my relationships with people seriously- and I'm not perfect, I'm a continual work in progress. But if you are a spouse, a family member, a friend, colleague of mine, I will be extremely loyal and think highly of you. Hence, I have a tendency to fight for people who mean something to me. This is often considered a bad move, but it's my nature.

Some people can switch off their feelings for someone when they find things out- I am not one of them.

At times I have posted on here and felt that I am weak and silly for 'holding on' or placing him on a pedestal.

But now I understand, and especially with your many kind and insightful posts, I am not the 'problem'. It's reminding me of my good qualities and it doesn't really matter if many others don't 'understand' me, the fact that one person gets it means the world to me.

 

I have been making gradual baby steps anyway- I just had an emotional morning so figured it was best to empty those emotions here. And I'm glad I did.

It is simply encouraging and helping me to learn to love and appreciate my qualities and not think of them necessarily as 'flaws'.

 

Thank you so much.

 

You are entirely welcome, DrkHrt.

 

I've found your story and you, of course, very compelling. I think you are exceedingly easy to root for, I genuinely do.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this - FWIW, I do believe that you are helping others as well as yourself with your heartfelt and insightful endeavors to understand and heal. Your perspective is compelling and your attitude is exceptionally admirable.

 

I'm not at all surprised at your disclosures regarding your feelings on loyalty and commitment to the people in your life. I would have said this about you left to my own devices, in fact. You strike me as someone who values authenticity and effort in anyone, not strictly yourself and certainly not in a quid pro quo fashion.

 

I am vastly relieved that you aren't discouraged from being the gracious and open person that you are. I would be distraught to see this or anything, come to that, make you feel cynical or embittered - and this chap's antics, while in my opinion solely a reflection on a dearth of his personal integrity, at best, would be profoundly challenging for anyone to reconcile and recover from.

 

But I sincerely believe that you are uniquely and unquestionably strong enough to do it, anyway, DrkHrt. And you have us in your corner every step of the way!

 

As I've said before and will keep saying - don't stop posting. Your insights and experiences are invaluable to the forum, as well as yourself.

[DrkHrt]

I have always been that kind of person who, even when hurt by others, choose not to stoop to that level.

And this is no different. When I first started posting, I got a lot of feedback suggesting I should pretty much see my ex as an awful person I could do without. Granted, I don't make this kind of feedback wrong. But firstly, that goes against my nature to see others that way and secondly, whenever I try to think of him like that, it actually makes me feel worse.

I did reach a point of feeling disheartened and wanted to 'give up' on everything. I genuinely meant it when I would tell myself (and him) that I would never do this again, and that after him, I would stay on my own. I'm still not sure about the prospect of future love, but the difference now is, I am more open to the possibility of it. I realise that, unlike before, my own mistakes/characteristics in that relationship should not mean that I do not deserve to be loved by someone else. I know where I went wrong there- I'm learning from my own mistakes in that relationship.

I am very slowly, but gradually, losing my sense of guilt and feeling that I am not good enough.

 

Right now the only relationship I want to work on is the one with myself. And the future still looks uncertain but not quite as dark as it did before.

 

I like posting- before I would've vented to him in a string of texts. Now I either post on here, or write in my journal.

I do hope that others can be inspired by my journey. If I could help even one person, that would be my goal achieved.

ENA has been such an amazing support system. I honestly don't know what further 'breakup mistakes' I would've made if I didn't come here.

[Liraele]

After leaving a guy, I had a couple of girls send me some very graphic evidence that he had cheated. It sucked. However, he doesn't know that I know...and I have him blocked everywhere. Made it much easier to get on with life. There's still the moments after finding something out like that, but ultimately, you should feel like you "dodged a bullet" as we're fond of saying.

 

I wouldn't say anything. Just keep it in your back pocket. If he reaches out in the future, then you have leverage to support your "heck no" in such a way that he'll hopefully run away with his tail tucked between his legs and never bother you again.

[DrkHrt]

Hrb23 I see what you're saying- when I found out he had been doing this months ago and confronted him, he was remorseful (although still denied a lot and lied a lot) and I believed that they were simply empty, meaningless tweets. I knew a lot of what he was saying were lies because he was terrified of me leaving him. At that time, I didn't scroll down his page too far as I had felt I saw enough. It didn't seem that bad so it was easy to move past. And we did. The relationship continued.

But the other day I wanted to have a closer look, and I scrolled down way further this time. There were tweets that seemed to be actively seeking sex with others whilst still in the relationship, and one particularly shocking tweet actually reciting an experience that he had had with someone. It was dated in Jan 2016 (we were very much together at this point) and it was written in present-tense but it's impossible to know for certain if the experience happened whilst he was in the relationship or whether it was a recollection from the past. Another tweet said something like 'I want some tonight, who's available?' Again, dated whilst we were together. Even if these are empty tweets that mean nothing, it's still a major red flag that is hard to ignore.

I don't think this can be considered 'harmless flirting', and I don't know how that compares with the kinds of tweets you were sending. But I think there is a difference between flirting and having real intent to be unfaithful. I don't want to believe he would have actually acted on anything, but I do not know.

He doesn't know about my latest look at his account, because we aren't together and I know for a fact that if I said something at this point, he WOULD get mad and deny it, and turn it into an issue about me.

[DrkHrt]

Liraele thanks for your comment and sorry you experienced that. Totally agree with what you are saying.

As I've said, ultimately it is positive because it is allowing me to let myself 'off the hook' and stop blaming myself for everything which is so minor in comparison.

But it's the mental images that are so vivid. And I think I may know the person he may have been with, which makes the image so much more vivid.

But you are right, these are going to be par for the course and ultimately I do feel I did dodge a bullet.

[hrb23]

Hrb23 I see what you're saying- when I found out he had been doing this months ago and confronted him, he was remorseful (although still denied a lot and lied a lot) and I believed that they were simply empty, meaningless tweets. I knew a lot of what he was saying were lies because he was terrified of me leaving him. At that time, I didn't scroll down his page too far as I had felt I saw enough. It didn't seem that bad so it was easy to move past. And we did. The relationship continued.

But the other day I wanted to have a closer look, and I scrolled down way further this time. There were tweets that seemed to be actively seeking sex with others whilst still in the relationship, and one particularly shocking tweet actually reciting an experience that he had had with someone. It was dated in Jan 2016 (we were very much together at this point) and it was written in present-tense but it's impossible to know for certain if the experience happened whilst he was in the relationship or whether it was a recollection from the past. Another tweet said something like 'I want some tonight, who's available?' Again, dated whilst we were together. Even if these are empty tweets that mean nothing, it's still a major red flag that is hard to ignore.

I don't think this can be considered 'harmless flirting', and I don't know how that compares with the kinds of tweets you were sending. But I think there is a difference between flirting and having real intent to be unfaithful. I don't want to believe he would have actually acted on anything, but I do not know.

He doesn't know about my latest look at his account, because we aren't together and I know for a fact that if I said something at this point, he WOULD get mad and deny it, and turn it into an issue about me.

 

Absolutely not the same thing as what I did. I was simply seeking flirtatious conversation to make myself feel desirable because my partner was not making me feel that way. I felt lonely and isolated despite being in a relationship and just needed a fun outlet. I would never have tweeted seeking a romantic confrontation or made plans to so much as call these people.

 

Sounds like he was directly seeking out infidelity which is a massive red flag you're right. Unfortunately he probably would have acted on it too especially with the nature of what you were finding. His denial also makes me question his character, I didn't tweet anything half as bad as this sounds and I was vigorously sorry and wouldn't have dared make any excuse.

 

You seem to be a very logical and intelligent woman and I have no doubt anything I say is what you already know. You can and should do much better. I'm rooting for you.

[DrkHrt]

Actually I'm a guy lol. It's okay, I think a lot of people assume I'm a woman. I choose not to correct because I don't want gender/sexuality to distract from the issues.

 

You are right- this behaviour was on a different level to what you were doing.

I cannot really prove anything but I trust my instincts enough to know that he may well have acted on these tweets. And tbh I have a horrible feeling that it may only be the tip of the iceberg and that there may be much more I don't even know about.

And even if the tweets were empty tweets, they were highly inappropriate and disrespectful to me anyway. No excuse. And no, I don't think he was sorry he hurt me- he was sorry he got caught.

I now know why he was so defensive and quick to deny sending these tweets when it all came out (he made up this ridiculous story that he had used the account before, but that any recent activity on the account was someone else).

 

I really like and appreciate Liraele and Dahl's comments- as awful as this all is, I have to treat it as a positive way to realise that I have dodged a bullet.

[Dahl]

Actually I'm a guy lol.

 

I empathize, DrkHrt, people seem to be under the impression that I'm male, frequently. I think it's my No Country for Old Men avatar.

 

And I absolutely believe that you are a remarkable person and that he missed out. Him, I have no sympathy for, however.

[DrkHrt]

Thank you Dahl, you seem to be as well and have helped me immensely. Today was very difficult but it was also healing to express this burden and get the feedback I have received

[Dahl]

Thanks, DrkHrt! I sincerely feel that you are helping people with sharing your experiences and insights.

 

You're an excellent addition to the forum, in my estimation. I believe that you've mentioned a journal that you're working in - as a related note, perhaps you may wish to peruse the journals section here, as well. If you're comfortable working with your thoughts online in this manner, I believe your contributions would be invaluable.

 

Cheers, mate.

[DrkHrt]

I did try the journals section but activity was slow there... this section feels much more involved and direct.

But I may try using that section again.

And you're welcome

[Dahl]

Oh, gosh, please don't leave this section! I only meant in addition to, not in lieu of you posting in the main.

 

You're right - traffic is very slow, there. I also personally debate commenting in journal threads so as not to interrupt - so don't leave us, here!

[DrkHrt]

I'll be remaining here, don't worry Dahl.