"Taking a Break" A very sad story............Help!?

[LifeNovice]

Hello,

 

I need to tell you my story. I hope that this will help me to cope with what has become the hardest thing to deal with in my life.

 

I am engaged to the most gorgeous lady. We have been in a relationship for just over 13 years. We are both in our mid 30's.

Despite the odd fight and quarrel about things, and even though we are very different people. We have been the best of friends and partners for all this time.

 

Most of my partners life, even before she knew me she has had to cope with the fact that her mother has recurring cancer.

The cancer has had a history of returning at nearly all the major milestone moments in my partners life (School, GCSE, A-levels, Leaving for Unversity etc) She often had to return home from her youthful independence and look after her mum. Her childhood was very disrupted by this, as was her University time.

She is also someone who's career is focused on travel and International work in development and charity.

 

My partner is an only child, and though she sees her dad a couple of times a year, they do not have the closest of relationships.

So it would be fair to say that I have been quite a rock for her during our relationship. And we have been together since she was in her early 20's for a long time.

 

In late summer this year, her mother got given the terrible news that the cancer had returned, and that she may only have a few months left!

Once again at a major point, when my partner was about to go and start a volunteering role she has thought about doing for many years!

She (mum) is on chemo and my partner has been going to see/look after her regularly.

 

So about 4 weeks ago, without talking to me or requesting relationship counselling, she has privately made the decision to leave and move to London on her own for a while. She termed this "taking a break" from us to have some independent time in London.

She has told me that this is because, what with her mum, and all of our travelling and moving from place to place recently (we have done a lot of this in the last 2 years) she feels that she has lost herself, and needs time to re-discover who she is and to re-build some respect for herself.

I have been working for the last 9 months on a farm, where we were for the majority of this, living apart. Although she came to join me in the last 4 months and was working in a charity job in the local town...............I do not think she was very happy with my decision to work for such a long time on the farm.........

 

She was still job hunting for a new role when she made this decision to 'take a break'. And she has also said that she wants to get a job back in her sector and make herself and her mum proud.

 

The situation involves a combination or her questioning 'us' as a partnership, although she has not given me a lot of detail and exactly what or how to go about putting this right.

She closed off a lot and stopped trying to talk to me. ( Depression?)

She did not ask for us to try relationship counselling before taking this rather drastic decision. I would have done this first!??

 

But also obviously, her mother and that awful reality that she is going to have to face losing her and acting as her personal carer for a while during that difficult time.

So she also feels that this is her last chance to go and live in London independently before all of that happens! - This is what she has said anyway.

 

She secretly found a room for rent in London with an old acquaintance from her Uni days. (Apparently nothing romantic at all) And accepted moving into it BEFORE saying anything to me.

I was cut out of the decision, and basically she has run away to London on her own.

She would not reverse her decision even when she told me and I tried hard to persuade her not to do this.

She seemed quite unemotional really, and said that she had cried enough, and that there were no more tears left........? Even though she did not tell me about this late night crying or really let me try to help her with it. (Depression?)

 

Initially when she requested a break, she gave no deadline or timeframe. Neither did she lay any ground rules about being able to see other people or sleep with people etc.

 

I had to ask repeatedly to get her to accept a timeframe and to agree to not seeing other people. (Again she claimed from the start that this break was not about that......)

She has said repeatedly that she is not interested in anyone else. Apparently this was all about her 'finding herself' again and gaining respect for herself again? - I am not sure what to believe here? Maybe it is completely true? Or is this just something that sounds easy as an excuse?

Why does she need to find herself alone? Can I not help her as her long term partner?

 

She is saying that she does not know how long she needs to be on this break.................Although she has finally accepted my repeated request for a timeframe. Which will be at the end of March. (Ultimately it will have been 7 weeks, since she moved away to London)

 

Now normally this story might be a case of me just accepting that she is maybe trying to break up with me completely and letting me down gently and all the other 'Normal' scenarios................

 

I also realise that some will say that I should not accept this, have respect for myself and move on with my life.

I know it does seem that after all our years together she at least owed me some respect of talking to me first and being open with me?

After all after 13 years and engagement, how could she do this to me right?

 

BUT as there is the added complication of her mum and the cancer and her being an only child etc................

What if she is suffering from moderate depression? Can I help her? Or do I need to look after myself now?

 

I really am completely broken and torn with what to do?

 

Do I give her the time and maybe get even more hurt if she decides it is completely over in March

OR

Do I end this now, even if it could be seen as very hard on her because of her mum and what they are going through?

 

I really do love this lady, with all my heart and I would fight for this to work.......But at the same time I don't want to fight a battle that others have walked before with an inevitable bad ending.

 

Please help, I have to say this is breaking me completely to pieces and I have never had to deal with anything like this in my life.

 

I really do not know what to do...............

 

Thanks for listening. x

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this is going on. Step back and don't smother her. This may be why she is asking for space in the first place. Don't assume everyone who wants breathing room is "depressed".

[Lost21234]

She just happened to find a room for with an old acquaintance? Let that sink in for a few minutes. Words mean nothing actions tell the true story. Sorry man but a break almost always means there's someone else when a woman asks for one.

[KantSleep]

Well, she did say the time-frame was the end of March. It was good you pushed for some time kind of time-frame. To leave it open-ended would have been much worse (been there). I understand you love her, and you don't want to lose her. But she has been secretly planning this, so it seems and she basically blindsided you. If it were me, I would give her space. Five or six weeks isn't that long. In the meantime, work on yourself and try to accept the fact that this could be over, as painful as that might be. Work on yourself, keep busy and perhaps keep a private blog or come here as often as possible for advice and comfort. Sorry you are going through this. I have no magic answers.

[LifeNovice]

Sorry to hear this is going on. Step back and don't smother her. This may be why she is asking for space in the first place. Don't assume everyone who wants breathing room is "depressed".

 

Thanks, however just to clarify, I really was not smothering her.

In fact if anything she has said that she was terribly sad and was crying late at night on her own and not telling me about it.

 

I mean I am now so torn - One the one hand, she has made a big decision without telling me first and done a lot of it secretly.

I should be really pissed off and put my foot down and leave her and move on. I am pissed off just to clarify.

 

Well I mean, she has chosen to go it alone, despite her mother and the cancer situation? So maybe I should just let her go and be done with it?

 

Any of her reasons given for why she did what she did, don't seem to suitably or acceptably explain why she did this alone and did not try to talk things through with me first?

If it had got that bad, would you not have suggested relationship counselling or something first?

[LifeNovice]

Thank for your reply.

OK but what if I give her space, despite this well dare I say it 'betrayal' of our relationship and me. I put my life on hold, feel absolutely terrible every waking moment and then at the end of March she says it's over anyway?

I mean am I just being a chump here?

Is this also treating me with respect?

 

I feel conflicted saying this, as I do see both sides. But my anger and feelings of betrayal are very hard to keep controlled at the moment. Maybe I should not control them?

 

Oh blimey..............

[Wiseman2]

That's the thing...being put in a holding pattern sucks. You're up in the air and don't know if you're going to land or crash, right?

I put my life on hold, feel absolutely terrible every waking moment and then at the end of March she says it's over anyway? I mean am I just being a chump here?

]

[KantSleep]

I definitely understand the wide range of emotions you are feeling. I don't think you are being a chump. You don't have to wait for her, if you don't want to. She has left the relationship and you don't know if she is coming back. You have every right to feel blindsided and angry. So really, whether you hang around and wait for the verdict is up to you. She can dictate the terms of her life, and you can dictate the terms of your own. She only controls the situation if you let her. You may not even want her back in 7 weeks. Right now it's all too soon for you to decide anything because your mind is cluttered with conflicting messages and you are suffering. Only time will make you feel better. Find something to keep you occupied. Blog, take walks, work extra hours on the farm. Take this time to learn more about yourself. I hope it goes OK for you.