Confused. Please help

[Abbacade]

I was asked by this guy to go out with him. I met him at work. Our first date lasted 8 hours. We spoke non stop. As we were leaving the area we went to buy smoothie and the girl at the counter told us how great we looked together. As we were leaving another old lady also said hi and told us how good we were together we had a month and a half of pure bliss. He told me about his past. Made plans about the future. Introduced me to his mom. Then his business fell apart and he lost everything. Thru a conversation I said something I shouldn't and he broke up with me. He was very hurt on his pride. I apologize several times after a month and a half we met bc he wanted to see me. He told me how tough his life was. And went on his travel for work. After 3 weeks he was in an accident and left me a msge to call him. I did and we spoke for 40 minutes. He asked me if we got back together I would leave the area and move in with him. I told him no bc I have a son on high school. After a month of text messages he came back to town. We were supposed to meet but he disappeared. He said he was working. He is a truck dtiver. Last week he called me and said he wanted to speak to me. We went for a drive and he told me he was desperate. The more he tried the bigger the hole. He told me he was thinking about opening a hauling company. I said what a great idea. Went with him to the pawn shop (he pawned his jewelry) and then to his cousin to set up a llc. He bought a bedflat trailer and wants me to go with him to pick it up. However he says we need to be friends first. That I have too much class and he wants a relationship the right way. He is taking me to the movies. And gave le red roses for valentines. Is he stringing me along or should I do the friendship first. He has introduced me to his mom. His sister and his cousinn

[Wiseman2]

What was it you "said that you shouldn't have". Wow sounds like way too much too soon. Why are you overly involved with his business affairs? Is he asking you for money?

 

"We went for a drive and he told me he was desperate". What is he desperate about?. Does he use drugs? Why are you going to pawn shops with him?

 

D Is he married or does he have another relationship where he lives b now? What do you mean by "We were supposed to meet but he disappeared"?

 

What he wants is fwb and perhaps a place stay now and then and maybe some money from you.

I met him at work. we had a month and a half of pure bliss. Thru a conversation I said something I shouldn't and he broke up with me. He asked me if we got back together I would leave the area and move in with him..After a month of text messages he came back to town.

[Matt3939]

Sounds a bit much to me. Yes times get bad. I've never relied on anyone or asked anything of somone besides just somone to spend time with. I think you should do the same. If something seems off don't do it. Do not give this guy money.

[Abbacade]

Thank you. I will definitely keep your advice in mind. He tells me I am a classy lady and he wants for us to start as friends and then grow our relationship. He says he doesn't want to have sex with me until we agree and there's mutual trust and respect. His mother is dying and he spends a good amount of time in the hospital. Last Saturday he took me to a nice restaurant and then we sat on the beach. We spent about 4 hours together. He says he needs someone he can trust. He hugged me and kissed me twice. But very fast. He says having sex is easy but building a relationship takes time. Is he stringing me along?

[RainyCoast]

i think you need to answer wisey's questions before we can answer. we can't tell whether he is a guy in a difficult spot and feels ashamed of the inequity, or a potential leech.

 

why are you asking whether he is stringing you along- because he is putting the sex on hold?

 

do you work together, will you still be working together or did you meet him there through a one-time type event?

[Abbacade]

No he never asked me for money. He just seems desperate. His mother is dying of multiple sclerosis. She's been in the hospital for the past 6 months. He spents a good amount of time there. He asked if I could go with him to the pawn shop so he could pawn his jewelry so he can get money to start a new business. He says he wants to be friends first. No sex. He says the first time we went too fast. And thats the reason it didn't work out. He says he is looking for somebody he can trust and build a relationship with. That we need to trust each other. Last Saturday he took me to a nice restaurant. Talked about the business. The future. Then we went for a walk in the beach. We stayed together for about 4 hours and then he went to the hospital. But there were very little touching or kissing. I wonder if he has somebody else. Also he is under a lot of stress because his mother is dying, he lost his business and he's burnet out.

[Abbacade]

I don't have much experience in life. Was married for 25 years. People tell me if he doesn't want sex is because he has sinebody else on the side. At the same time he telks me I am a classy lady and he wants to treat me as such.

[Abbacade]

I don't have a lot of experience on relationships. Was married for 25 years and recently divorced. My ciworkers tell me that a man needs sex and that if he isn't having sex with me he probably has somebody on the side. He tells me he could have sex with me and leave. But I am a classy lady and he wants to treat me with dignity. He believes if we are friends first and trust each other than we could be together. What do you think?

[Abbacade]

No we don't work together. He is living in town now. I saw him Friday and Saturday. As far as drugs I believe he doesn't do drugs.

[RainyCoast]

no, it doesn't sound like he is stringing you along. it sounds like he wants a relationship with a good foundation, which is more than reasonable.

 

watching a parent die is the worst. it leaves not nearly enough energy and emotional investment left for a relationship if it's a difficult process, and it can be hard on even established, solid couples. the added stress in his life, of course he can't be all in with someone now. if i am reading this correctly you also haven't really known him that long, so i don't see why he should rush to call you a girlfriend, call this a relationship, or have sex.

 

people in crisis absolutely cannot just make their circumstance and distress related to it disappear instantly, or rush, to make it more convenient for others.

if you are impatient, or in a hurry, skip this one. if you expect him to hurry to take care of his circumstance so you could have a relationship, that means he is pressured to outgrow this life cycle practically and psychologically for someone else's benefit, at someone else's pace and request.

if you're not satisfied with the way it is now, and it remaining that way for a while, exit, or you'd be the one misleading him.

 

i would not discuss your sexlife or the lack of it, or your involvement with him at work. but no, i doubt it has to mean he is having sex elsewhere while not having it with you. no way would hoeing around have crossed my mind while my mother was terminal. not that it would be in my repertoire regardless, but you get my drift. try to put yourself in his shoes. would you be thinking with your d!ck.

[Abbacade]

I know he isn't married. I met his sister and hus mother at the hispital. Also I met his cousin.

[Abbacade]

That's exactly what he told me. He said Ann we need to become friends first. I need to find someone I can trust with my life. And you need to trust me. So we build a solid foundation. He told me about his business plans. How he wants me to be involved in managing the financial aspects of it. I have time to wait. It's just that most people keep telling me the opposite. But I have this deep connection with him. When we are together we laugh the entire time. In any crisis he's in he calls me right way. Also yesterday when he fixed his truck he sent me a short video.

[RainyCoast]

do these people know him? or are they speaking generally that men who are interested will hurry to make you theirs?

 

i really would take his situation into account. that's a very difficult time he is having, and emotionally he probably doesn't feel like his best self. it's actually very good if he wants to first take care of things, practically, and heal and grow out of his psychological distress first before starting anything. messed up people in messed up situations aren't exactly a recipe for a good relationship.

 

maybe there's stuff i'm missing but i get a nice mental picture here, of a decent honest person who doesn't want their current struggles to make for a bad partnership.

 

if it were me, i would dig the friendship suggestion, with zero expectations that it even has to evolve into something more, but if it naturally does, that's great too.

 

how long are you willing to keep it this way? you need to take into account there will be a grieving period, sometimes losing a family member also affects one's financial situation, his business plans may not go well ect, so i would keep in mind that he may not be at his best emotionally and practically for a long time. if i liked him a lot, i would want him as a friend nevertheless, but for some people that's difficult when they have romantic feelings and expectations that they can't silence. depends how flexible you are in that regard. not saying it's good or bad if you are or aren't, just that if you have your limitations and dealbreakers, you should respect them so you don't set either of you up for disappointment.

[Abbacade]

They don't know him. My friend who knows him believe his telling the truth. That he gotta lot on his plate and I need to be patient. We are texting each other very often. Like today he text me to ask my opinion about his mother treatment (I vam a nurse). He says I am very special and I need to have patience. Thats all

[Abbacade]

I tried to break up with him. But I miss him a lot. Obe time we didn't talk for teo weeks. And he tried to contact me and we started talking again. When my mother was sick he text me asking fir more info and saying he was praying for her. He told me then that I mean a lot to him.

[Abbacade]

I thanked you but not enough. You nailed my situation right on. I believe I will give him the soace and time that he needs. If we just become friends its ok. Lowering my expectations will certainly help.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry it sounds like he's setting you up for a scam.

[RainyCoast]

trust your gut.

 

trust your needs and wants too. if you don't feel like waiting, or being friends, just skip this one.

 

if you really want to see where it goes and just don't want to back out period, observe, don't invest all your feelings, and keep your expectations close to zero.

 

keep us updated.

[Abbacade]

Thank you. I thinks I need to back off of this one.

[Abbacade]

Thanks for your advice. Why do you think he's setting me up for a scam? I need help and really appreciate your input

[Wiseman2]

You seem lonely and vulnerable and like a nice lady. He has already given you too many tales of woe. Be skeptical and educate yourself a bit on this topic:

Thanks for your advice. Why do you think he's setting me up for a scam? I need help and really appreciate your input

[Abbacade]

you are right. I am lonely and vulnerable. I will educate myself. Thank you

[Abbacade]

Good morning. Just to keep an update. His mother passed away yesterday. He called me several times. It was very traumatic. She was doing a procedure. He thanked me for being there for him. Called me an angel and says he has to hang up bc he is in a bad place (hating doctors/hospital) and he doesn't want to be mean to me. He feels like he failed his mom. I was planning on blocking him (based on Wiseman's post -which I really appreciated. ) . Now I don't know. Rationally I agree with Wiseman but I still think about him.

[RainyCoast]

if this friendship is difficult for you, it is okay to block him. regardless of whether he is just a troubled person who isn't ready to be in a relationship, or a scammer, you owe it to yourself first to create the emotional space for yourself that feels okay to you. you don't owe him support, understanding, companionship...if it is depleting for you to offer these things without getting a balanced partner and commitment in return. even one-sided friendships are depleting and unhealthy, let alone being an emotional blanket to someone you have feelings for.

 

if it is unsatisfactory to you, it doesn't matter what the truth about him is. you don't owe s*** to anyone. he can get a therapist, a support group...don't feel guilty or like you're letting him down. it's not just your right to think of yourself first. it's your duty. looking at it that way has helped me detach from one-sided relationships that otherwise would've been hard for me. don't fall for a codependent relationship, or leeching of any kind, emotional, financial, whatever.

 

i don't know how this contact with him makes you feel. but if it feels depleting and one-sided, then i would stop contact for now, allowing both to take care of their own needs and situation first. then, if he isn't in fact a scammer, after he has seen to his circumstance and is ready for a relationship, you may be able to meet again on a higher ground. just don't live in hopes of that happening though. time has a way of offering explanations, and helping us not need one where it wasn't necessary in the first place.

 

do you feel like he counts on your support, but you're settling for something less than you honestly want and need?

 

eta: i agree with wiseman, you sound really nice. no reason why you should feel so lonely, i can see people enjoying your company. have you considered casual dates with others? i mean multiple people, just getting to know them..knowing you have options might help you not get too emotionally invested too soon. it can be tricky to single out one person and place all hopes in them, especially when one is lonely. get a nice social life first, date...then...when someone gives you enough reason to consider them seriously, you can move on to dating them exclusively. and you won't have wasted your time and feelings in vain until then.

[Abbacade]

thank you. Very wise words. Will definitely follow. Maybe he's not a leech financially but he drains me emotionally. He just sent me a message right now that he is tired of listening to people's opinion and he's going to creat his own path. Whatever that means. I believe I need to create my own path without him in my life. Thank you