Is "meant to be" really a thing?

[catfeeder]

I think that would be the most authentic way to know for sure that we were 'supposed' to be together - if I "let him go" and "let him" come back on his own, at least I would know it was real... but I also think it could just be sure coincidence that maybe he just didn't meet anyone else he connected with in that time and he got lonely. You can never really know for sure.

 

The idea behind letting go isn't all about a test of whether someone is sincere in wanting to come back. Sure, it's much better to know that someone is with you voluntarily rather than because he caved to the pressure of pretzels and manipulation. But the whole idea of allowing life to teach you whether a second chance with someone is at all feasible--or even a good idea--is that both people grow in certain ways on their own that wouldn't be possible while locked together.

 

So the idea is that if you meet again someday on higher ground, you'll be two changed people with some shared history opting to try a whole new relationship together.

 

Very few people would be interested in returning back to the very same person to form the very same relationship they wanted to leave in the first place. That's not 'meant to be,' that's stagnation. Our best possible growth and change happens when we can leave our past behind and take with us only the value of what we've learned as we move forward. Should our paths cross with an old lover someday, we'll ideally have grown into someone far more capable of making good choices about that rather than projecting fantasies of fate onto the encounter.

 

Head high, you sound as though you're doing well. You'll thank yourself for that later, if you haven't already.

[IAmFCA]

For the sake of argument, and not necessarily because I don't agree with what you're saying: Can you not hold onto something and still learn from it? Can you not still end up in the harbor you were 'meant' to end up in, even if you are driving yourself towards it instead of drifting?

 

I'm on board with the whole "let life happen/ enjoy the ride" lifestyle, but I'm also on board with the whole "grab life by the horns/ go for what you want" lifestyle. If something is "meant to be", I feel like that means you'll get there no matter what, whether you try or whether you let it go. By that reasoning, I guess it would make more sense to just let it happen, rather than trying to control it... but it wouldn't matter either way by this reasoning, right?

 

lol. This is getting kinda philosophical and not so much relationship-ey, but I guess I'm just trying to say that the advice I'm getting to "let it be, if it's meant to be, it will be" is basically the same thing as saying "go ahead and try to win him back, if it's meant to be, it will be"... because if it was "meant to be" it would happen either way, right??

 

I regret missing this post, so now I am a little late to the party. I am going to try to frame the idea I was hoping to convey in a different way. It IS abstract, and language is imprecise. Revisit the contrast I set up: meant to be, versus forced to be. If you set a vision in your mind, and you grab the bull by the horns (with which I agree) to drive towards that vision, AND the lessons you learn along the way indicate that your vision remains valid, then by all means, keep going there.

 

In order to know whether that is true, whether the lessons are telling you to stay on course, you have to listen. You have to be open to hearing that the lessons are telling you to change course. Often, when we become attached to an outcome - a vision of our future, that vision we are driving to with the bulls horns in hand - when we become attached to it, we ignore/filter out/misinterpret messages that tell us to change course.

 

When we can't hear those messages, being attached to the vision has become more important than the appropriateness of the vision. Being attached to the outcome is more important than knowing it is the right outcome. Being attached to a person has become more important than making sure that person is right for us.

 

Then comes the next challenge. I do NOT believe in taking life as it happens. I do believe in going for what I want. So - how does one put full energy behind achieving a goal, while also staying open to the idea that the goal might change?

 

This is where I become committed to very small things - to ways I want to behave, habits, attitudes. Going for it with gusto is something I enjoy. Whether I get it, or even still want it, becomes almost irrelevant - But I am in a position to achieve because of my day to day behavior.

[CrystalBNY]

Depends on if you believe in purpose and destiny. I personally believe that everything happens for a reason and nothing is by chance. Any and everyone you meet serves a purpose somehow. The job you have is simply to gain wisdom on what the purpose is of the person being in your life. If you place a seasonal or temporary person in a lifetime position you could be in for a world of chaos and dysfunction. So yes I believe in meant to be

[AisforBroken]

...the idea is that if you meet again someday on higher ground, you'll be two changed people with some shared history opting to try a whole new relationship together.

 

Head high, you sound as though you're doing well. You'll thank yourself for that later, if you haven't already.

 

Thanks catfeeder, I agree completely. It should be two changed people coming back together. And that's what I hope for. I wouldn't want to go back to the old relationship. But coming back together as new people just seems so out of reach, because I can only control myself and my own growth and direction. Whether he is growing or changing at all, much less in the same direction as me, or in any direction that would still be compatible with the person I am becoming, is all up to chance, fate, luck, or pure coincidence... just as much as any other person/stranger in the entire world.

 

The only thing we share that some new, random person wouldn't is history, but that makes no difference to where we will end up in the future. We were on the same course for all this time because we were together... but now, apart, who knows where we will end up.

 

"Meant to be?"... well, if we come back together, it would seem so... because it seems like there are a hell of a lot of things that would keep us apart - much moreso than things that would bring us back together... so something must be at work to bring two people back together... right? Especially after a long time apart. The fact that they end up in the same place again/ are still compatible & heading in the same direction, is nothing short of a damn miracle. . . especially at our age (early-mid 20s) when so much changes.

[AisforBroken]

In order to know whether that is true, whether the lessons are telling you to stay on course, you have to listen. You have to be open to hearing that the lessons are telling you to change course. Often, when we become attached to an outcome - a vision of our future, that vision we are driving to with the bulls horns in hand - when we become attached to it, we ignore/filter out/misinterpret messages that tell us to change course.

 

When we can't hear those messages, being attached to the vision has become more important than the appropriateness of the vision. Being attached to the outcome is more important than knowing it is the right outcome. Being attached to a person has become more important than making sure that person is right for us.

 

I can see what you mean. I can have my heart set on something, but not so set on it that I filter everything else in my life out. I can't be so attached and focused on 'getting my ex back' because then if someone else comes along that is 'more right' for me, I won't even be paying attention. But if I keep my heart set on what I think I want now, but 'let it go', or 'let it be', in order to see if something else is better for me (change courses), then I'm not hurting anything. If I'm able to listen, pay attention, keep my mind and options open and not completely focused on one outcome (putting all my eggs in one basket, basically), then I'll know whatever does end up happening was the best thing for me.

 

I definitely understand the concept, and I think I've recently gotten to or am getting to a point where I see potential in others, where I was not before. I had all my eggs in my EX basket, and was sure he was the only one... but I am recently a lot more open to the idea of another person being more "right" for me. . . but it still leaves me at a crossroads. I think it goes both ways... I can't put all of my eggs in the "Not ever going to be with my ex" basket either, so that feels like something I need to consider and work towards as an option as well, at least until I have a better one presented.

[IAmFCA]

I can see what you mean. I can have my heart set on something, but not so set on it that I filter everything else in my life out. I can't be so attached and focused on 'getting my ex back' because then if someone else comes along that is 'more right' for me, I won't even be paying attention. But if I keep my heart set on what I think I want now, but 'let it go', or 'let it be', in order to see if something else is better for me (change courses), then I'm not hurting anything. If I'm able to listen, pay attention, keep my mind and options open and not completely focused on one outcome (putting all my eggs in one basket, basically), then I'll know whatever does end up happening was the best thing for me.

 

I definitely understand the concept, and I think I've recently gotten to or am getting to a point where I see potential in others, where I was not before. I had all my eggs in my EX basket, and was sure he was the only one... but I am recently a lot more open to the idea of another person being more "right" for me. . . but it still leaves me at a crossroads. I think it goes both ways... I can't put all of my eggs in the "Not ever going to be with my ex" basket either, so that feels like something I need to consider and work towards as an option as well, at least until I have a better one presented.

 

Nailed it.