bbogdanov Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Hi again! I know I repeat myself, but I am so confused and hurt that I am thinking about the breakup every day I am constantly blaming myself for the relationship failure. I knew even back then that I don't behave well, I was thinking about myself and what is convenient for me, never gave to my ex moral support in her job, often insulted her, got easily offended if I did not get what I want, etc. Basically I was selfish and childish and was living like I was not in a relationship, but with all the "benefits" from it - sex, moral support, knowing that someone is always there for you loving you, etc. I suppose I just need to be in a relationship to feel good (which is absolutely stupid) and now that I am not - I feel terrible! I really loved my ex and I still love her, but she wanted more! She wanted to feel really loved and appreciated while I am more "cold" person and don't show such love and affection like kissing, hugging, beautiful words and all that romantic stuff. Maybe I am just loving myself more than anybody else? I am just selfish and immature person which is used to get everything and give nothing in return - well, not literally nothing but I suppose just not enough so that the other person feels well... How is it that a man can "kill" the love of his partner but not do anything to get it back? I know love is not a logic, while I myself tend to be very logical person (I am an engineer) but it keeps me wondering Me and my ex started dating 4 years ago and months later we gradually felt love for each other. It was not love at first sight or something like that. We were just interesting to each other, we liked each other (not that much like that "burning" physical attraction some people experience) - we just "worked" for our relationship bit by bit and eventually we were loving each other. I can't get proper sleep torturing myself for doing the things that I did and I will never forgive myself, although my ex have done it and she is totally neutral towards me. She have told me she wants a break, she wants to concentrate on her job, wants to travel, wants to be free like a bird and so on... I have told her about my feelings and that she can contact me if some day things change. I just can't accept the fact that I am in no power to "make" her feel love for me again. Or at least be attracted to me again, so I have some basis to work on. Do you think there is ANYTHING I can do to get another chance (except leaving her alone what I've already done) in the future??? She really loved me with her whole heart and I don't want to accept she is not able to do it again I even think I OWE her the love and appreciation she deserved! Not do idolize her (like everyone does after a breakup) but she really is a rare type of person for her age (in my country) - she is well-educated, ambitious, hard-working, mature and so on. Being selfish again - I would give everything to be with her again! And I can guarantee this time will be different because I have done it in the past (maybe even for people that did not deserve it like she did!). WHAT can I do? Link to comment
DrkHrt Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 You sound a lot like me in many respects. I would not say I am selfish or unaffectionate, but I am aware I have my personal issues which ultimately meant that I would often be too concerned with my own feelings than my partners. It sounds like you have a little more hope than I do- she only said she wants a 'break'. My partner is actually leaving me, and he's left me more than once already so I doubt I stand any chance. The solution for you is a simple one, but a hard one- what you need to do is TRULY make yourself a better person, don't just do it for her, do it for yourself. If she wants to 'spread her wings', you have to let her do that. Begging her to come back will only push her away. Work on yourself, maybe even give yourself a little makeover (nothing drastic, but people are visual and this DOES make a difference). But ultimately, stop being selfish and become a better character all-round. If, she does ever 'fly back' to you, it will only be if she sees these changes. There is nothing more unattractive to a person than someone who says they will 'change', but don't. I learnt that lesson the hard way- don't do the same. Good luck! Link to comment
bbogdanov Posted February 12, 2017 Author Share Posted February 12, 2017 Thanks for the opinion! Unfortunately, I didn't explain correctly - I don't have a chance. She left me two months ago, because she didn't love me anymore, wanted to be free, to have a break from relationships etc. I made all classic mistakes, of course - begging, pleading, texting and calling her... During these two months I didn't do NC and had some conversations with her from time to time. We went out for a dinner once and we talked like friends, nothing personal, had laugh etc. but this is hard for me. She told me she doesn't feel anything about me and there is no point in going out (I asked her couple more times after that). You say that if she ever fly back to me it will be if she sees change, but how can I "make" her want to see these changes (if I really changed)? I told her I will change but she said it was too late. What can I do? Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 What can I do? Start the journey to acceptance , you will have to eventually . The guilt and blame you feel will fade in time . Most people do what you are doing , look back , persecute ourselves for everything we did , paint them to be golder then gold , take the blame for everything . In time you will see she wasn't this perfect human being . Yes own your own sh1t and learn from it , but give yourself a mental break from taking the blame . It is cheesy ....but it is a fact ..... learn form it , accept it and believe that time will heal . Link to comment
DrkHrt Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Oh no 😞. I'm sorry to hear that. I think there is nothing worse than being told they don't love or feel anything for you anymore. I mean, I guess the deal breaker is if she is telling you she doesn't love you anymore, and she means it, then there isn't anything you can do. Some people switch off their feelings quicker than others. I know this is hard- trust me I KNOW, because I am in agony too. But you have to ask yourself- can you really fight for someone who has told you they don't love you? That's the most important ingredient in a relationship. You can't hang out with her and be 'friendly' as some kind of consellation prize. That will only hurt you more, and give her too much power. I say this, with an enormous amount of empathy, you gotta let her go. Now that I understand your situation better, she clearly appears to be done. Don't give HER the satisfaction of your pain. Improve yourself, and have faith that you will find a different girl eventually who you will make better choices with. Link to comment
bbogdanov Posted February 12, 2017 Author Share Posted February 12, 2017 Yeah, it really hurts when the person you love doesn't feel the same way anymore, after so many years... She switched her feelings off not so easy, it was a matter of months (that's what I was told). She told me she had tried everything in the last months and explored every possibility but it just didn't work out. There was maybe a lack of good communication as if I knew the situation was so bad, I would do everything to save it. She was not happy, she didn't feel appreciated, loved, etc. Well, tell me that in a way I can understand it and make something about it I am a logical person and I have to be told exactly the things as they are in order to understand them, I cannot guess what's going on... Posting some s***ty sad songs and quotes in FB doesn't get much of my attention Her verdict was given without me being able to do anything Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Op , I have to believe that things are the way they are because ...it is so ....... I have to because without sounding like a big vagina , life at times , has been incredibly hard and I have found myself suddenly 50 years old , with 47 personalities , sat behind 4 walls shaking my head and wondering what the hell happened . Heart break is real ...very real , the pain , the loss , the physical pain as well . When someone says their heart is broken it is enough to bring me to tears because I know how real it is . I always say heartbreak is one of the best diets ever !! We lose weight , some lose their jobs , we don't sleep , the feeling of despair are enough to put anyone in a big black hole . 99% of us on here have felt what you are feeling ....but we are still here . You have to take your lessons through this darling . Everything you have said and admitted to on here , well learn , don't let this be a waste . Because believe it or not , one day you will have someone else in your arms and if you repeat the same mistakes then this agony has been worth nothing . My own beliefs are this ... we have many soul mates through life ..that can be friendship or romantic . These are all people put on our journey for a reason . Maybe for a lifetime , maybe just for a few months , maybe for us to learn or for us to teach their lessons to them .. we have to accept and learn because when we have got it we are ready for our twin flame .. that is the other half of your soul . Yours could be learning her very harsh life lessons right now for all we know ...but somewhere out there is the person that you are meant to be with . Hold onto that hope and not the hope of your ex . The Journey is long and hard with many a twist and turn , but have faith that it was something you had to learn . Link to comment
bbogdanov Posted February 12, 2017 Author Share Posted February 12, 2017 Very encouraging words! I believe in destiny and everything in my life has happened for a reason, I have that feeling... Of course I will take my lessons, I have to! Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Very encouraging words! I believe in destiny and everything in my life has happened for a reason, I have that feeling... Of course I will take my lessons, I have to! That's nice to read ...you are a good man , you will be ok . Link to comment
bbogdanov Posted February 12, 2017 Author Share Posted February 12, 2017 I have to be ok, I can't live miserable life because of somebody. I have to learn how to be happy all by myself before I can be happy with someone else. Just don't know how to do it, especially at this moment I go to counceling and it helps me definitely. My councelor told me that I could have some hope if it will be easier for me to get thorugh this period, but I really don't know if some time in the future I can be with my ex again Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Very encouraging words! I believe in destiny and everything in my life has happened for a reason, I have that feeling... Of course I will take my lessons, I have to! I've always found it helpful to trust that if an ex and I were ever a 'meant-to-be' deal, we'll meet again on higher ground someday--but we'll both need to grow to reach that place on our own. This motivates me to focus on getting myself to my own higher ground. I make it a goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back to create a good life for myself. I rekindle neglected family and friend relationships, I pursue new friendships, new interests, excel at my career, and because I've stopped ruminating and I've focused like a laser beam on my own pursuits, the ex becomes less relevant over time. This is good, because I've been positioned to reconcile more than once, and this gave me more clarity. As painful as grief can be, healing is a decision and a process. Take baby steps, and do your best to make yourself proud. Head high. Link to comment
bbogdanov Posted February 13, 2017 Author Share Posted February 13, 2017 That last one was great also! Thank you! I definitely think if something is meant to be - it will be. Me and my ex started getting to know each other for about a month in the past (when I was introduced to her by mutual friends) and we liked each other but as she had to go working for the summer at a resort - we stopped contact before any deeper feelings could show up. We met an year later and it was even more interesting as we had grown up (kind of) and there was a lot of new things to discuss and explore. We were then couple for 3.5 years before that beautiful day came when she lost her feelings Link to comment
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