Not Ready

[reeder88]

I've been talking to a girl for a couple of months now, and after seeing each other a couple of times she told me she developed feelings, and I had too. We then kept seeing each other most days of the week, but hadn't been on a proper date (even though our friends see us as a couple). I haven't been involved with anyone since talking to her and she hasn't either. We are intimate and are publicly so - it doesn't bother me or her about PDA. Just over a week ago we talked about what we are to each other and we didn't know, and she said that she doesn't know what she wants. Because this made me think about what I want, I asked her out on a date - to which she said yes. We sort of brushed the prior conversation under the carpet for a week or so until it came up again last night.

 

She started talking about how she feels like we have distanced a little bit over the past week, mostly down to us having masses of work and deadlines but she thought it was more than that. She then asked me what I want, and I was honest and said that in the near future I was hoping for something a little less casual. She then started talking about how she isn't quite ready for that and doesn't want to lead me on. She has mentioned that past relationships have been damaging and that she has been around bad guys a lot, and I can see that being a contributor to not being ready. She, for the time being, wants to keep things as they are (us 'sort of' seeing each other but not officially) so she can take a step back from it all and actually work out what it is she wants and her feelings.

 

We have already established that we both really like each other and enjoy the physical side also, however she says she said yes to a date because she really likes me but is confused. She's now saying that perhaps a date isn't the best idea as she doesn't want to end up starting something and not feel ready. This was quite confusing to me, but the general idea I have been able to work out is that she really likes me, still wants to see me and be intimate etc. but just isn't ready to take it to the next level (being dating, even though on 2 occasions she said yes). I saw her for the first time in 4 or 5 days this morning for a rehearsal and whilst awkward at first, we chatted a bit alone afterwards and she kissed me - which made me relieved that she still sees me that way, but confused me more.

 

What should I do? I like where we are now (but would like more) but there will come a time where I just want to be dating her or more, and nothing less than that. She wants to keep seeing me and stuff and I do too, but she doesn't want me waiting around for her to be ready if something came along for me. Should I just keep doing what I'm doing and see what comes my way, whether its her with a decision or not?

[Andrina]

"but she doesn't want me waiting around for her to be ready if something came along for me."

 

That says it all. A person who was crazy about you would never let you go. Not even once. You are mediocre to her. You're there to keep her from being bored until somebody else comes along who wows her.

 

If her comments about her baggage are true, she has no business dating. She needs to be alone to sort things out. Instead, she's dragged you in her toxic whirlpool without a care that she's just using you.

 

You need to bolster you're self esteem and know you're worthy of better. You don't share the same dating goals, so it'll never work. NOBODY is worth waiting around for. If a person isn't 100 percent confident in being with you, then it's time to move on. You need to be single when the right one comes along. She's not it.

[Wiseman2]

This is indeed confusing if you are dating regularly and having sex. Maybe skip all the talk about titles and 'what are we?' etc and just keep dating and taking it slowly.

 

Is she on the rebound or still hung up on or talking to any exes? Often the 'so confused, so damaged, etc.' speech is about that.

I was honest and said that in the near future I was hoping for something a little less casual. She then started talking about how she isn't quite ready for that and doesn't want to lead me on. She has mentioned that past relationships have been damaging and that she has been around bad guys a lot. she really likes me, still wants to see me and be intimate etc.