Telling my family about past abuse

[Fracturedcactu]

I'm really nervous about posting this, but because of the helpful feedback I received on my last post, I thought I would bite the metaphorical bullet and give it another try.

 

( Just also if the title hasn't given it away, this story/ question is to do with sexual / emotional abuse and if this makes anyone uncomfortable, please read no further )

 

 

 

Just for some backstory. I was in a relationship with someone when I was 15 and he was 21. This relationship lasted 3 years. During this relationship the person I was with would pressure me into sex, using guilt or by threatening to leave me if I didn't. Being young as I was and being in my first relationship I would see that as unbearable and would go along with anything he said.

 

As time went on it got worse. This person would cheat on me constantly and use it to guilt me into things. The sex was becoming almost unbearable and causing me a lot of pain. Although the fear of rejection by him at the time was much worse.

 

It lasted with the back and forth guilt and then good times that made me forget the guilt until one day while we were having an argument he shoved me. I ended up losing my footing and falling against a coffee table. I didn't haven't any major injuries besides a bruised elbow but the shock of it was enough to break me out of the cycle.

 

I left him a week after and cut off all contact and have had none until this day.

 

During this relationship I didn't tell my mother or any friends about what he was doing, As I was always afraid of what he would do or of him leaving me.

 

Looking back now I am completely aware of how many wrongs were in the relationship and how toxic it truly was. But I am happy with the progress I have made since then.

 

Now on to my question. I have gotten to a point that I want to tell my mother and friends I have now about what happened to me during that time. But I really don't know how and I'm scared because in terms of the sexual abuse I never told him no because I was afraid of him so does the fact I consented to it discredit that I didn't want it?

 

I'm really not sure how to tell anyone and I have a worry they might not believe me or discredit me. Does anyone have any idea how I can go about this? I've held it in for too long at this point and I feel like I'm at a point where I can tell people and grow from what happened.

 

Any feedback would be very much appreciated.

[gebaird]

I think it's critically important for you to understand that this relationship was non-consensual. First of all, you were a minor and legally could not give consent. Second of all, the perpetrator was using your youth and inexperience against you, to manipulate you into doing what he wanted you to do. Yes, you went along with it -- but statutory rape is still rape. Your responsibility in this situation is so much less than you may be thinking. Probably, though you have made progress, you are still working to separate truth from lies in your own mind.

 

When talking with others about this situation, I would frame it entirely in terms of sexual abuse. You were a victim, plain and simple. Anyone who believes otherwise -- including you -- is delusional.

[Pretzel]

Firstly I'm really pleased to hear that you are happy now and have made progress since then. It is good that you didn't allow this to haunt you and stop you from being happy later in life, and well done to you for going strict NC as soon as you were shoved!

Many people (including my former self) would have forgiven him and believed it was just an accident and will never repeat itself. And this would have been a recipe for disaster.

 

One question I have is why you feel you need to tell your family? I confided in many friends about my abusive relationship (at the time and also afterwards when I gained more perspective over time). I found telling my close friends and opening up to them helpful and a relief. I have also told my new partner. But I have never felt compelled to tell my family - I wouldn't want my parents or sisters to know that I was treated that way and get so upset over it. I feel it would cause too much of a ripple. I respect your choice if you want to tell your family, but i just want to make sure you truly want to do this and if they are the right people to tell. I recommend telling SOMEONE though. Just listen to your gut instinct.

[Wiseman2]

Have you had counselling and therapy? If so, then you know pedophilia and other imbalanced relationships such as this, is a seduction and manipulation.

 

What was the relationship of this person to you and to your family? Why do you feel you need to tell friends this?

 

Does repeating this to everyone have any value to you? Is the information safe with them? What if they don't respond with understanding or say things that make matters worse?

 

Consider carefully who your audience is with such sensitive information. And who is this guy and where is he now and do the people you want to tell know him?

I was in a relationship with someone when I was 15 and he was 21. During this relationship the person I was with would pressure me into sex, using guilt or by threatening to leave me if I didn't. I have gotten to a point that I want to tell my mother and friends I have now about what happened to me during that time.I'm really not sure how to tell anyone and I have a worry they might not believe me or discredit me.