Can't communicate problems to girlfriend

[Nobetterwords]

My girlfriend and I have been having some issues that I need some advice on how to sort out. I'm not sure if it's just me reading too much into things (which she usually says it is) or if it's truly a problem that both of us need to work on.

 

Lets start with the shallow basics, Financial. (this isn't a big deal it just kind of bugs me)

 

My girl makes a lot more money than I do, but I tend to be the one spending more money on her, I recently took a step back and realized this.

We trade off on paying for dinner and/or movie tickets but I'm always buying her little (and sometimes big) gifts, but she never does anything like this for me. I don't do it because I expect anything in return, but she is just coming off as kind of cheap…she'll spend 90 dollars on a pair of shoes, but she'll insist that I pay her back for some 19 dollar discount computer cables she buys for me, whereas if it were me, I would just buy it for her because she needed it and tell her not to worry about it, as I have done with many things in the past. It's not a big deal.

 

She's also recently picked up the habit of failing to ask if I want anything when she's picking up coffee or food or something, not that I would always make her get me something, but she always used to at least offer.

 

I don't understand this, am I just overly generous? Is she cheap? Did I do something to make her think that I wanted this?

 

Another thing that actually bothers me a lot is her secrecy. She is a private person. She claims to be very open but has done some things that lead me to believe she is not.

 

1. We were looking at pictures on her laptop one night and I pointed to a folder that I wanted to see and she suddenly decided she didn't want to look at pictures anymore because they were pictures of her ex's dog and she missed the dog and it would make her sad. I told her that's fine, that I would just look at them and she didn't have to, and she said no, and that she would just be in the other room and I would be looking and she'd know I was looking and it would still make her sad. We argued about this for a while and she just continued to make a big deal out of it which made me believe she was hiding something, so I confronted her about it and she denied it over and over again but still wouldn't show me the pictures to prove it. She offered to show me the next day after work (when she could have had time to delete any incriminating ones anyways) and I said no. Then she turned things around on me and tried to act angry about me not trusting her, and basically I didn't but it was because she was giving me reason to be suspicious. Eventually I let it go and never saw the pictures.

 

2. We were hanging out one night after watching a movie or something and she got on her laptop to check her mail, I came up and hugged her from behind and she closed the window she was looking at and opened one showing her Comcast bill, then as I stayed there, she went to several other websites, one for student loan info, one for this, one for that, but never back to her email that she was obviously reading. So I went to the kitchen to grab a beer and came back, and stand next to her and see her yet again close the window containing her email, so I move slightly out of sight range and she opens it again, move back into range and she closes it. Does she think I don't notice this? Then she says, you can go ahead and go to bed I'm just checking on my bills I'll be up in a minute, and continues to look at her bills (without typing, because who writes letters while checking bills?) so I go upstairs (her bedroom is a loft) and I quietly look down on her and she is typing very slowly and softly so that the keys don't make any noise, which is unlike her because she types very quickly.

 

3. She has password protection on her computer and cell phone and whenever she closes her laptop when I'm around she pushes a command to bring up the password prompt so that I can't see anything on the screen. She says it's just because she's paranoid and does it all the time because she's a tech geek and knows all about computer security, but I went over there the other day and saw that when I walked into her house she was upstairs and her computer was slightly open, no password screen.

 

She is not the type of person that would cheat, but why the hell is she being so secretive? How can I trust her when she hides so much?

 

Whenever I ask her about her privacy she says she's not private, she very open and has nothing to hide and then turns things around on me and says I don't trust her and makes it my problem.

 

She turns a lot of things around on me, and somehow manipulates me (whether conscious of it or not) into blaming everything on myself. If I don't trust her it's my problem, if something she says hurts me I'm being overly sensitive and it's again my problem, if I tell her she's being pushy or putting too much pressure on me for something she tells me she's just being supportive and I'm taking it the wrong way and again it's my problem.

 

Everything wrong with our relationship has become my fault in some way or another, she sometimes admits to things if it's something that she doesn't mind being blamed for, but if it at all coincides with the behavior of the person she doesn't want to be all of a sudden it's not her problem, she finds a way to blame things on me. And I don't think she's doing it on purpose, I think she is just in denial and really doesn't want to admit her faults although she says she has a lot of them, when they come up, it's not her fault.

 

I'm always the one who has to change I'm always the one that takes the blame for things and it's always my problem and not hers. I can't talk to her when she's like that, I can't reason with her, every time I try and point it out she tells me I'm just misunderstanding her, when I think she's really just misunderstanding herself.

 

I really love this girl and I really want things to work between us but the problems that we have are so broad that they come up in everyday life and it causes a lot of tension between us.

 

I've talked to her about all of this a one time or another but I'm very emotional and she doesn't really show a lot of emotion so it just comes off as me being paranoid and freaking out for no reason and she yet again turns things around on me, how do I talk to her about this stuff without her becoming defensive? How do I fix these problems without causing more stress on the relationship?

 

She and I had a fight on the phone last night and I told her I couldn't talk to her because she wasn't listening to me and she eventually asked if I wanted her to let me go and I said yes, so we hung up, she usually emails me every morning, this morning I got nothing, I'm not surprised really but it makes me not want to contact her, I feel like the longer I go without communicating with her the more numb to her I am. I don't know what to do.

 

Please help me, I love her so much and don't want to lose her, but these problems arise so often that I just end up pushing her away because I'm madly in love with her and scared of her and what she could do to me.

[agaudette]

I hate to say it but I think you two are heading for a breakup, based upon her behavior. She doesn't want to email when you are around, she doesn't want to open up pictures so you can see, she is acting differently than she used to - I'd say her behavior to you, of whom she should be very close, and open, is saying she doesn't want to share everything with you. I'd probably back off and see what happens.

[justsweetgirl]

Hello. I don't know your situation, except for what you have written. All I can say is her behavior is suspicious. She does not have to be cheating, but it does sound like she is communicating with someone and doesn't feel the need to share this with you. If it is harmless, why the need for secrecy? If she can't look at pics of her ex and her dog without becoming upset, maybe she has not fully gotten over the situation. They may still be speaking. You two need to sit down and talk about what's going on. Tell her you love her but she is acting strangely. If she comes clean than you have something to work with. If not, you have to ask yourself how long you are gffoing to take this before it drives you crazy. I wish you the best.

[kere]

I agree with the last post, you guys are definitely headed for break up. Communication is the key to a successful relationship...as corny as that sounds it is true. It is eigther you don't trust her and is being paranoid or she has something to hide......whatever the case is, if you guys could just comunicate a little better maybe thing wouldn't have gotten to the point it has now.

 

My advise to you, give her some time to sort herself out. If she wants to talk, talk to her about how you feel and how she makes you feel. If she doesn't then, find some way to accept it and move on with your life.....

 

Good luck