Don't want to play it "too cool"...am I doing this

[Royltnxile]

Jon, 38 year old male, Peoria, IL

 

Dumped on Valentines Day over the phone by g/f of 4 months. Her issues are all about commitment and relationship fears. She also has issues of insecurity, jealousy, and symptoms of "emotional baggage" from past relationships. Our relationship was progressing nicely and this came out of the blue. I know she has strong feelings for me and I think she is scared of them. No "i love you's" had been exchanged yet, wanted to say it but knew better because of being aware of her issues. Didn't want to scare her away. I'm in love with this wonderful, beautiful, yet emotionally challenged girl, and just want her back in my life...if not sooner, then at some point down the road! I've never doubted how she felt about me, and still don't. My question now is how to continue playing it:

 

Here's where things have stood so far:

 

After Vday, I waited a full week to call her back. We talked easy and comfortably about us. I didnt plead, beg, grovel, whine, or fall at her feet. Just basically told her "I miss you, care about you, wish it would have lasted longer"...and dropped some stuff in that would make her think and remind her about what a great guy I am and how good we were together. She agreed. I told her that I respect the fact that she has these issues.

 

I then determined not to call her, as hard as that was.

 

She began calling me about 5 days later. Calling and not leaving messages, yet trying both my home and cell phone. I blew these calls off.

She then left me a message. Called her back made small talk. No big deal.

 

Her birthday was 3 weeks ago and I sent her a small bouqet of flowers and a little book which had personal meaning between us. She was elated and actually wanted to "just drop by and see me at the bar where I was working that night"...this would have been awkward so I steered her away from that. She called me 2 more times that night while I was at work. I called her at 1am, she picked up, told her happy birthday. She called me the next night and we talked about 10 minutes, then she weirded me out by asking me about 2 of my female friends...inquiring about calling them up to hang out for drinks..etc..etc....This really threw me because I didnt know what kind of signal she was sending me. I was prepared at that point to push for a face to face meeting to get my feelings out on the table, but let conversation die off. She told me call her when I felt like it. Called her a few days later after not hearing from her. She said she would call me later in the week, which she never did. Then last weekend she rings both my phones, no messages left. So I think I have been good at the "no contact" thing so far, with the exception of her birthday...which I think I did the right thing by honoring.

 

Now comes the hard part: I won't call her back unless she leaves me a message. Just because her name is on my caller id's means nothing to me. She hurt me badly, and although I've forgiven her for doing that, I still want to maintain myself as a challenge, make her work for it, and give her all the space she apparently needs. I want her to miss me, and I want her to be wondering what I"m up to...etc...etc. I"m convinced that her and I have potential to be together again, I want to tell her I understand her issues, and I want to let her know that I care without coming off as needy, desperate, and chasing.

 

I like the "no contact" concept, but I wonder if sending her a simple "thinking of you" card to remind her that I havent forgotten about her completely I'd rather do the card than call her because it means more.

 

The "no contact" thing scares me a bit because I worry that she will forget about me altogether and move on, especially if she thinks I am doing the same. We don't have any common friends so we have no windows into each other's worlds. I feel that I need to do something subtle to let her know that I'm thinking about her.

 

Should I send the card?

Is it a good idea?

Should I keep it light and funny...or do the sentimental, yet not sappy, card? (words in card will be carefully selected to have the desired effect) I love those Hallmark "Between U & Me" cards. There are a couple that would be perfect for this situation, yet avoid using the word "love"

What do I do after I send it?

 

Or should I just not do anything at all and continue the no contact?

 

I realize that its all a game, and I think I have done pretty good so far. I just don't want to blow any chances with her down the road.

 

Opinions please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[San123]

I'm probably not the best to answer, but I think it's good that you aren't calling back unless she leaves a message. That way you don't look like you're desperate but you also show you do care enough to call back if she leaves a message.

[volution]

Valentines Day spurnings can be so horrible... I had one last year

I too had a relationship at the end of last year with an insecure woman. She was 38, but had great issues from the past, that she didn't seem able to overcome.

No matter what I did to show her I would never leave her, hurt her, abandon her etc., it wasn't enough - she couldn't believe it.

I was so destroyed when she left me, it would have been a truly beautiful relationship - we were going to get married and have children.

I'd never known a woman like her in my life, and don't think I will find one like her again.

Without overcoming the insecurities, etc., the same issues will reflect themselves again in your relationship. If she's prepared to work through them, then that's good. If not, then it will end in tears.

[annie24]

Valentines Day spurnings can be so horrible... I had one last year

I too had a relationship at the end of last year with an insecure woman. She was 38, but had great issues from the past, that she didn't seem able to overcome.

No matter what I did to show her I would never leave her, hurt her, abandon her etc., it wasn't enough - she couldn't believe it.

I was so destroyed when she left me, it would have been a truly beautiful relationship - we were going to get married and have children.

I'd never known a woman like her in my life, and don't think I will find one like her again.

Without overcoming the insecurities, etc., the same issues will reflect themselves again in your relationship. If she's prepared to work through them, then that's good. If not, then it will end in tears.

 

AAACK! OMG! What is it with breakups on V-day? Isn't Feb 13th or 15th good enough? AAACK! I'm so sorry dude - that sounds like it was horrible. Actually - I hope you NEVER meet a woman like her again. I hope you meet someone who realizes how wonderful you are and cherishes you everyday! Take care!

[Royltnxile]

Thanks for the kind sentiment Annie. Thats what makes it so hard to understand. I'm very possibly the best guy she has ever been with as far as being giving, understanding, respectful rather than self-serving, selfish, and self-absorbed...she never talked about past relationships other than telling me how she has screwed them all up. I figure her as one of the "walking wounded" who has some major emotional baggage.

 

Why can't she just see me as maybe being the guy who can deal with all that crap...the guy who is "good for her"?

 

I realize she doesnt want a relationship, but in her case, the more accurate statement would be "she can't handle a relationship" because of her issues about commitments and relationship, jealousy, and prior unfaithfulness. All I can do is hope I get another chance at her when she is ready. Thats why I don't want to do anything to push her further away...I'd like to be closer to her, but I don't want to get painted into that "friendship" role either.

 

But you are right. She is the one missing out on something special. ME! =)

[Royltnxile]

I'm begging for some input here guys! Help! =)

[volution]

The best thing to do, is to not be in contact with her for a while, perhaps quite a long while.

It is a noble thing to do, to stand by someone whilst you help them work through their problems. It's what unconditional love is!

But if they aren't themselves prepared to go through that work, with you by their side, then I'm afraid they must go it alone.

I knew how much my ex loved me, and she said to me on many occasions that she wouldn't find someone like me ever again, that I was the only guy she had ever wanted to have children with etc.

But her problems sabotaged her ability to love me, and she pushed me away.

 

In the future, your ex (and my ex too) might realise their mistake, after they have done that work they needed to go through.

But it might be too late. They might not come back to you, afraid of you rejecting them after what they did. Or they might come back to you after you've healed and found love with another.

But considering how much they hurt you (she dumped you?), the latter path might play itself out.

 

The most important thing to remember, is she has to sort out those issues.

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink..."

It's entirely up to her to work through those problems, either alone or with you or someone else. If you were both to stick together, you could end up causing even greater resentment between you if she thinks you're trying to change her, when you only want to help her work through those issues.

 

Good Luck!

 

I'm begging for some input here guys! Help! =)

[Royltnxile]

Thanks volution. Great insight.

 

But do I send her the card? I hate playing games.

 

I think she is aware of her "issues", but I want to make sure she knows that I understand. Thats the one commitment that can make to her...the commitment to understand. I want her to know that, yet I don't want to push her away.

[volution]

By all means...

I'm one who hates games too.

I re-read your first post.... For god's sake man, if you do really love her, tell her that!

Maybe that's all she needs to hear. It's amazing how so many people are afraid to say "I love you" and/or automatically assume the other person knows it! How much real love must past by, because people don't say 3 simple words?... Ahh, I'll leave that for another discussion....

 

Anyway, send her this card. If you really do love her, tell her that in the card. Say that you will be there for her when she's ready. Say sorry for not answering the phone.

Don't continue playing these games - games always end up both people losing! Follow your heart, tell her your highest truth - love can only blossom when there is: honesty, communication and integrity.

 

Thanks volution. Great insight.

 

But do I send her the card? I hate playing games.

 

I think she is aware of her "issues", but I want to make sure she knows that I understand. Thats the one commitment that can make to her...the commitment to understand. I want her to know that, yet I don't want to push her away.

[Royltnxile]

Volution,

 

If you only knew how much I wanted to tell this girl that I love her...

 

But I dont think that's the answer right now, not yet anyway. She is afraid of commitments and the like. I wish it were that simple to just put my feelings for her on the table, but I worry that if I indicate to her that I will be "there for her when she's ready", that will cause her to lose respect for me and make her take that for granted.

 

Believe me, I wish it were that easy. Wish I could just pour my heart out and have respond with "I love you too"...and we go off and live happily ever after!

 

But you are right about one thing. Some things are worth fighting for, and this is the one girl I don't want to walk away from without asserting myself and letting her know how I feel. There have been 2 girls in my past that I regret not asserting myself. Sh*t happened and I just sat back with the "if it's meant to be it will happen" attitude. They both married someone else, and I has since indicated to me that things may have been different had they "really known" how I felt at the time.

 

So I don't know...I think I'm going to send her the card next week, and see what happens. When I get a chance to talk to her, I'll suggest seeing her in person. I pretty much know what I want to say, and how I want to say it.

 

Or should I write he a letter outlining my feelings?

 

I hate being like this because it isnt me. I'm usually calmly and cooly knowing what to do in most situations. She's the exception.

[volution]

Have you read the book Bridge accross Forever by Richard Bach?

Reading this would be quite inspirational to your situation now.

 

Hard as it might be, don't dwell on your past (rich coming from me, as I can't stop since my break-up in December You can kill yourself by thinking "If only I had told them I loved them".

But, you must focus on what you feel now. Follow your heart now...

 

I know, I know, I know oh so well about "One"s - letting someone who might be the only chance of happiness slip by. (At the moment, I feel like I've lost my only possible wife, family and life).

I know too about not being assertive - I've lost all my confidence (again because of my breakup), and didn't have much beforehand.

 

All you can do... Is tell her you love her... If you were meant to be, the hidden hands of serendipity will weave what needs to be...

In the end, it's your choice. Listen to your heart. Listen carefully. It's gentle voice my be too faint at first, but an answer will come.

Tell her your answer... Then it's up to her...

Once you have told her, listen for her reply...

Whichever way it turns out... don't beat yourself up...

If the reply cuts deep, move on. It's impossibly hard I know.

Just remember, even in the darkest of hours, that while you are still alive, you can still love, and too, someone can still love you... Perhaps not necessarily this girl...

 

Please also read this little story, I hope you find some inspiration:

 

Letting Go

 

There was once a lonely girl who longed desperately for love. One day while she was walking in the woods she found two starving song birds. She took them home and put them in a small glided cage. She nurtured them with love and the birds grew strong. Every morning they greeted her with a marvellous song. The girl felt great love for the birds. She wanted their singing to last forever.

 

One day the girl left the door to the cage open. The larger and stronger of the two birds flew from the cage. The girl watched anxiously as he circled high above her. She was so frightened that he would fly away and she would never see him again that as he flew close, she grasped at him wildly. She caught him in her fist. She clutched him tightly within her hand. Her heart gladened at her success in capturing him. Suddenly she felt the bird go limp. She opened her hand stared in horror at the dead bird. Her desperate clutching love had killed him.

 

She noticed the other bird teteering on the edge of the cage. She could feel his great need for freedom. His need to soar into the clear, blue sky. She lifted him from the cage and tossed him softly into the air. The bird circled once, twice, three times.

 

The girl watched delighted at the bird's enjoyment. Her heart was no longer concerned with her loss. She wanted the bird to be happy. Suddenly the bird flew closer and landed softly on her shoulder. It sang the sweetest melody, she had ever heard.

 

The fastest way to lose love is to hold on too tight, the best way to keep love is to give it -- WINGS!

[Royltnxile]

Thanks again Volution,

 

If you love something, set it free, if it comes back...etc..etc... Makes alot of sense. I guess I will send the card, see what happens, and look for the right time to get together face to face with her and see what comes out of my mouth.

 

I'd still like more opinions on this one, don't be shy people!

[gelfling]

hello dear

 

and what happened after you've sent a birthday card ?

it will be a good excuse to show her there is a door open but not too needly.

 

myself is now on two two different verge of calling her just to say " hi how are you've been ? " tonight

either

 

send a birthday card after 24 days of NC.

[urbangentleman]

My god jon....i think you just put my life up on screen!...It is as if it were a movie....Ecept for valentines day...this is exactly too the word/letter what has just happened to me 5 weeks ago.

 

I'd be very happy to discuus this with you and offer you my thoughts.