VHSshowdown...you are right my friend!!!

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

I also wish I could go an entire day without thinking of her. I wish she would think of me as much as I think of her, or atleast once a day.

 

I think everyone is right, I may need sometime to think about things. I am just affraid of coming back to nothing. At least she still has feelings for me right now, and is telling me she loves me (after I put her to sleep on the phone, she can't sleep without talking to me; or very well). She still sometimes sends me hearts and kisses on messenger. I don't want to come back to nothing. I don't want to come back and only be friends, because I know that we can be friends at some point, and I don't want to force that unless I have to. I'm affraid of the friendship trap.

 

But I don't know if I can continue this way tho, even if I dont say anything to her about us, I still catch her in lies, and she talks down to me, and stuff like that. I can't stand the lies, and her thinking she is better than me, in NO WAY is she better than me. She can treat everyone else in her life as such, her parents, b/f, friends... anyone, but not me, its unaceptable. I feel like telling her I don't want to talk to her anymore until she changes her attitude. I don't like the person she is becoming or how she is treating me. Would it be a bad idea to tell her to not call me until she is over the lies, and wants to treat me better? I know thats probably not a good idea, but I don't know how to make her change that, becuase I am not going to continue like this. She has always been lying to me (cuz she doesn't want to hurt me, but i have told her its the lies that hurt me). Is there anyway to get her to change her attitude, or how she treats me? Should I just tell her we need to take sometime off until she can change her attitude?

[codaaurora]

Is there anyway to get her to change her attitude, or how she treats me? Should I just tell her we need to take sometime off until she can change her attitude?

 

Blue, what I can tell you is that lying is a part of her nature and its going to be really hard to get that leopard to change her spots. Trust me, I know, I've been guilty of it myself. I grew up in a household with a mother that was bi-polar, you lied to survive in my house. As an adult you do it when you feel scared or trapped, it's almost like it becomes a knee jerk reaction and you find your self lying first. You also find yourself lying because your afraid your going to get into trouble for some random stupid little act that no one else would care about (like your supposed to mail a letter and forget). Some people of course are worse in their lies and do it for other reasons and are blatant about it. Either way, that is a very hard trait to fix and she would have to want to VERY badly to stop.

 

As her friend you can ask her to stop lying to you, but that is really all that you can do. What I have done (and continue to do no matter who it is) when someone talks to me with an attitude or in a way that I don't appreciate, I bring it to their attention, if they won't stop, I just tell them that I don't appreciate the behaviour and I'm hanging up/walking away. They can call me when they have calmed down or are in a better mood. I let them know this. Heck, I told my ex on Sunday "Okay, you can stop talking to me with the attitude in your voice or you can talk to me later." Put your foot down no matter who it is.

 

But beyond this Blue, you can't change her, you don't even have a right to try, even f you were her bf, all you can do is request it and tell her how her behaviour makes you feel. Ultimately though, the only person that you can change or have any right to change is yourself. Granted the other person may NEED to change, but you don't have the right to try and make them. You can only request and then if they don't and it still bother's you than YOU can change.....by moving on or accepting it.

 

That's why the vows say "For better, for worse....". It means, are you willing to accept this person with ALL of their flaws?

[codaaurora]

OKAY EVERYBODY, I'M SHARING THIS WITH YOU!

 

I am going to do the Body for Life Challenge. I have used the Body for Life method before and it was working, but I quit. I've talked to my doctor as well and she is going to assist me with increased visits for the first couple of weeks to help monitor my Hypothyroidism.

 

Now I have decided to enter the contest and do everything that they suggest. One of them is to tell family and friends so that they can help you stay committed. I'm tired of being this overweight girl that I don't know anymore. I want to be the girl I was a couple of years ago.

 

link removed

 

I have decided to shoot for 145 pounds. That's above my target weight of 130, but I figure anything that I can loose beyond my goal of 145 is just gravy (low fat that is). I can always continue to loose after the Challenge. The Challenge is for 12 weeks, that's three months and I am positive that I can really make a change in my life.

 

I really am confidant in doing this and feel this time, more than any other time in the past two years, that I can do this. I have to wait for my beginning package to come in the mail, and as soon as it does, I will begin. I've decided to keep an online journal on here to further motivate me. It will be under the Health section probably entitled Body For Life and I would appreciate any of you that come and see how I'm doing.

[vhshowdown]

Coda, I am glad to hear this about you. Anything I can to do to help let me know, I am a health freak!! LOL First step is to get started of course. Now keep in mind you have to give yourself 2-3 weeks to get yourself used to it, make it a habit so to speak...... Now I do not know alot about Body for Life, but just understand part of losing it, is to exercise daily. It doesnt have to be strenuous, but you must have exercise, and keep with it. This is why I say give yourself 3 weeks to get used to it, and to look forward to it.

 

Good luck with it.....

 

I hope everyone is having a good or better day today?!?!?! I am doing ok, I did break down and called my EX yesterday, but they have caller ID, and I was told she wasnt at work yesterday!! OK, that is fine. So, I am still sticking to my plan to think positively, but I am also going to keep with moving on for now.........

 

Blue, you MUST stand up for yourself here. If you dont she will continue to walk all over you. But you have to say it in a friends type way, dont get mad at here, etc.. And dont be afraid to lose her either. This is why you are not happy. You are relying on her to make you happy. You cant keep doing this. Remember the BLACK SNAKE bit, re-read it until you get it... It does work....

[codaaurora]

Oh, forgot to tell ya'll. The ex sent me an email last night when he knew I was online (he wasn't on yahoo or aol and his cell phone was off so that was weird) and told me that the ex landlord had called about something. I sent him and email back saying that she was lying about not getting one of the garage door openers cause we had a receipt for it. He wrote back saying that she said that she gave us two. I got fed up with that and just called him home phone number (after discovering that the cell was off) and he answered. TOO WEIRD! I figured he was with the gf or something, but nope, all by his lonesome. So we had a decent talk until he wanted me to call to the ex landlord back right then and there.

 

In the past I would have maybe huffed and puffed, or told him to do it if he wants it done now or just caved in BUT THIS TIME I didn't, I just told him (twice) no, I'm going to wait until tomorrow and speak with her in person. He said "Yeah, sure, I'll believe that when I see it" (cause I used to be really bad with follow through folks, I admit it) and I said, "Ok, talk to you later" (all chipper sounding) and hung up. He called back and I let it go to VM but he didn't leave anything. I called him today after dropping all that off and just left an up beat short little message that it was done and the ex landlord was being a B as usual and that I hope you have a fantastic day!

 

HA!!! Proved him WRONG!!! LOL. The great thing about him is that he'll recognize that tho (that compliment was for him but because if I didn't V would jump down my throat!!!). hehe

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[keefy1972]

Nicely done coda!!

[codaaurora]

Keefy!!!! I am so glad to see you up beat and happy!! Hold on to this feeling or whatever it is that's got you like this! We are going to make it!!! The road may be bumpy and rocky, but with each other to help, we're going to pull through this!

 

~Coda

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[vhshowdown]

kinda like we all have our health, right!! LOL Hey we have a 3 way tonite or what??

 

The urges are the worst sometimes, cause you get this pain inside, emptiness feeling, and you want to call, but no you shouldnt. How do you guys handle your own urges and not do it??

[keefy1972]

Im in V. Will be home from class by about 7.

[keefy1972]

By the way, I have learned through trial and error, that I resist my urges by preoccupying my mind by watching something funny. I get a few good laughs in and all of a sudden the urge isn't so strong. It's strange but it works.

[codaaurora]

I might be able to be on for a little while tonight.

 

The ex called me back and wants to stop by tonight, I think I'm going to let him as I have said no the last few times and saying no again would be rude. Plus, to be honest, I don't really care now. I'm happy. I've made my choice about my life, my health and what is going to happen to me and I'm not so upset anymore.

 

If I'm with him then that is fabulous, if not, then I will meet a guy just as great in his own ways. Maybe even meet someone that is as outgoing as I am. Who knows? I'm actually very excited about the future!

 

V, I do the same thing that Keefy does. I watch a movie that is either inspirational to me (Like a bunch of women running around kicking butt) or something that makes me laugh (Like .... Hmm Charlie's Angels but that pretty much fits the first one too huh?) LOL. I also read and write in my own novel. I come on here. I have a profile on myspace. I spend time with my guinea pigs. I research stuff on line. I clean my house. I FORCE myself to do things and it's better.

[vhshowdown]

Ok, I broke down and called her today as i was driving home. We talked and I asked her if she needed those lyrics, and she was like no thats ok. I said, ok I can throw them away then huh. If you want to was her answer. OK, so then we got into it about our last convo. She was like I was sick, etc. and i didnt feel like doing anything. Then she said she was at the doctor that day, and she was really hurting still. Why didnt she say this on Thursday then.... and I was like why did you ask me if I were mad, if you didnt want to hear whether I was or not... So, we went round and round and I was laughing, which made her mad again, but things settled down, and we are ok now..... Then she goes on to say her car broke down Sunday and Monday, so she wasnt at work these 2 days.....

 

Now, here comes a dousy of a question to you guys. If you feel you are being lied to, and in reality you know for a FACT you are being lied to, but you really shouldnt know this, what do you do then. I am not talking well, I think I am being lied to, etc... I mean you know without a shadow of a doubt you are being lied to, but you cant say anything, cause they will want to know how you know this, and you cant tell them how you found out...... what do you do then??

 

Do you confront them with it, or just keep quiet and know you are dealing with a liar??

[codaaurora]

To be honest, I'm not sure how I would handle that one.

 

In one way it's not worth it to even bother. They are just going to deny it and then when you establish proof, they will be mad at you for getting that proof. You know what the situation is, that's what is important. However, if you came by that knowledge innocently enough, say someone told you or it came to you without your looking for it that would be different.

 

In that case, I would tell them, "Hey, just to let you know, I know about such and such, I was (told w/o asking, it got delivered to me by mistake, whatever) and while I understand why you did it, I would just appreciate not being lied to ok?" and keep it up, positive, non judgemental. This might still get them on the defensive and cause a fight. If it does, be prepared and don't fall into it. Just say, "You know, I know what's it's like, feeling like you have to lie and then getting caught is the worst, but you don't have to do that with me ok?".

 

Personally, I would need to know more before giving you a straight answer V.

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Thanks keefy, I know I need to do this for me, so thats what I am going todo. I've created a different MSN account w/ my friends and family only on it, and have been using that for the past couple of days. So she hasn't seem me online in a day or so. I won't answer her if she calls me tonight, and I feel good about it. I'm not saying I won't answer her calls, but I don't feel right about it tonight. When I do talk to her again (if I do), if she talks down to me, or upsets me, I will just let her go, instead of making a big deal about things. No more talking about us. No more asking when I get to see her next, come see me... etc. She's really stubborn, so this could be a long time. I'm moving out may 1st, and she has my tv, so I will have to get a hold of her in a weeks time.

 

V, I totally agree with Coda on the lying thing. I've caught my ex in many lies, with proof. And she would still lie about it. Then when I presented my proof, she would get mad just like coda said. No matter what, it didn't make any difference. I know the truth, and weither or not she wants to admit it or not, thats her problem.

 

Now to look back on it, I know she has lied because she doesn't want to fight about things, and doesn't want to hurt me (which means to me, that she doesn't totally agree with her actions, and/or she still cares about me). I know of 3 things that my ex has been lying to me about, all really small stupid things that I don't understand why she would lie about, cuz I don't really care. ie. where her bf is when she was with me, she said at home, her phone said at work, when i saw him call her when she was away from it. I didn't say a word when I questioned her about it. What I'm getting at is, think to yourself if it really matters. Are you going to feel any better knowing you just started a conversation that you are going to regret later?

 

I know whats really bothering you, cuz its what bothers me. If she is lying about this and you know, there must be other things that she is lying about. Keefy said:

Do you see her lying as a way of saving your feelings or making things easier on you in an emotional way? Or is it just for her to save her own skin? Im betting if it is true and she lied, she probably did it because the truth would only lead to you to argue with her and make her life more stressful.

 

That just made me realise why she is probably lying to me, its so obvious, I don't know why I didn't see it before. With her telling me constantly that she doesn't want to argue, don't want to fight. Its my reactions to her telling me things, that leads her to lying to me. She tells me something, I get upset and the conversation turns sour. Instead of ruining the conversation, she lies. Thanks Keefy, I didn't even see that, buts its obvious to me now.

[keefy1972]

Glad you realized it Blue. I was in that situation myself and, hopefully before she began lying to me, figured out that I wouldnt let her feel like she had to. So no contact is also helping in that aspect. The less we talk, the less we argue, the less she feels she has to lie. All of that makes it less likely that she will. Good job of understanding that. Looks like you are on your way to "getting it". It all boils down to trust. She has to trust your reactions to the truth. And right now she dont. You have to re-establish that trust by NOT being reactive.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Agreed, but right now I can't handle the truth, thus, NC/as little contact (if possible) until I can!

[vhshowdown]

You all brought up some very good points, and has got me thinking. She has told me before a long time ago, she is a liar, she really did. So, what do you do. And the funny thing is, what difference does it make now that I know, yu guys are right. If I confront her with it, she will be like angry and argumentative, etc.... Alot came out in todays convo, and she said things that has me thinking of coming to conclusions faster and faster...

 

Her positive list is getting smaller and smaller now.... LOL so I am thinking I am NOT gonna tell her anything, and go off into the sunset and let her wonder why!!!

[vhshowdown]

Well i'll be, she just called a little while ago when i was in the shower. So, she left a message. "Hey, Its me. I am just calling from (her friend's) cell phone, the number is xxx-xxxx and you call me if you want to, but I dont know how much longer she will be here. But if you wanna call me you can. bye"

 

And to think, if I never called today. But funny as it may seem, it still doesnt change anything, you know. I have some work to do, conclusions to be made, etc... She lies to feel loved! She lies to make herself look better! She lies to get her way! She lies, cause her freaking mom does, that is where she gets it from. She lies cause she is a spoiled lil brat LOL

 

blue, you have come a long way my friend, very proud of you!! Keep it up.

I know what you are saying, truth or lies.. whoopie do, its all the same!!

 

coda, hope all goes well with your meeting tonite!! We are thinking of you, and our wishes go out to you...

 

keefy, sorry missed you earlier bro.

[codaaurora]

V and Blue

 

Okay, just remember, sometimes a girl will lie because she is afraid of "getting in trouble" for something that she views as important and someone else does not. When she doesn't want to lower the opinion of the other person, she's embarrassed or because she feels she has to to get along. Not just because she's a spoiled brat. Either way, you need to decide your stance on that and whether or not your going to accept it in any way, shape, or form.

[vhshowdown]

V and Blue

 

Okay, just remember, sometimes a girl will lie because she is afraid of "getting in trouble" for something that she views as important and someone else does not. When she doesn't want to lower the opinion of the other person, she's embarrassed or because she feels she has to to get along. Not just because she's a spoiled brat. Either way, you need to decide your stance on that and whether or not your going to accept it in any way, shape, or form.

 

Well, what you say is very true, coda. Except, my EX is a lil brat though!! LOL But anyway, I cant say a whole lot right now, cause I would be pouring oil on water if I did. No, in this case she lied to make her look right, and make me look wrong. This is why I said I was laughing, which made her even madder. And she continued to yell at me, but I made it clear dont ask me something if you arent prepared to hear any kind of answer... And, we arent really bf and gf, so it shouldnt matter to me a whole lot anyway. Except for that lie bit, which she doesnt know I know, we are ok...

 

But there again, it is the same ole thing. She is with a friend last nite, so she calls me. I didnt tell her to, didnt ask her to, she just did it. Like I have said from day one, I dont care who you are, if you are happy in your relationship, you are NOT gonna call someone else... She said she really wanted to go out that nite, she enjoys going out, cause she doesnt go out much, she goes home and does whatever. (Tells me her bf doesnt take her out AT ALL!) Oh, and when we do go out, I do not pay for her either, we split 50/50.....

 

 

So how did last nite go coda??? (if I am allowed to pry)

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[codaaurora]

Hello My Boys!!

 

Ok, here is the update from last night. He came over around 9:40 and stayed until 10:20. I let him spend some time in the other room with the Girls while I worked in the kitchen and finished watching my show (Veronica Mars). After that, I gave him some food to give to the girls as a treat and after he did that he came out to talk to me.

 

He looked around alot (inspection I imagine to see if i'm becoming a better housekeeper as this was on of his gripes with me) and then set down in one of my recliners and kind of slouched. He asked what was up with me about 3 different times. He didn't seem entirely happy with the info I volunteered (casual stuff, working out, writing, my job moving locations, no juicy stuff) and then asked how "BRAD" was doing. I just smiled and said next subject. Then he wanted to know who the bald headed guy was and I was like "HUH?" and he said it again "The bald guy" and I finally realized that he was talking about one of my pics on the myspace profile and I told him that was a friend that I worked out with. He immediately started putting him down. Then started putting down another guy that he thinks that I am dating. I told him that he was going to put down every guy I had ever known and started laughing. He laughed a little bit, then we just talked about BS stuff. He left around 10:20 and wanted me to ride in his car to the gate (I usually walk or drive my own car but this time he wanted me in the car with him). I laughed at his driving and when he got to the gate, said goodnight and got out without looking at him after opening the gate door. I went back to my apt and about an hour later he called me. Weird, he asked me not to tell anyone something that was going on with him and I laughed and was like "Who am I going to tell?" and he just kind of laughed too. Then we just joked around on the phone, making fun of each other like we used to always do, at point I was crying I was laughing so hard. Then we talked about Sin City, which I had already seen and told him about. Then I said that I had to go as it was late and he cracked another joke, I laughed and said goodnight.

 

So my boys, my boys, what's your take on this one? He was acting really weird, but I know that he is still seeing Liz so am not sure if maybe he is starting to get tired of her. She has a major Drama episode happen in her life atleast once a week (my friend stood me up and I'm upset, my other didn't call me cause she was watching the OC and I'm upset, they ditched me for this, school is that, blah blah blah) so perhaps he's getting tired of all the immature drama. He never did like drama to begin with and was always telling me how cool it was that I seemed to be drama free with my friends (cause I tell them like it is, if they hurt my feelings, I tell them instead of witching to other ppl about it).

 

What are your opinions?

 

Other than that, I am doing great! I feel really good now that I've resolved to do this Challenge thing with Body for Life and my future is starting to look really bright and exciting, with or without him. I love him and still want to be with him, but it's slowly becoming....hmmm...well, not so life and death you know?