Seeking counseling to get over an ex - please share your experience

[Lysflower]

Hi all,

 

It has been 18 months since the worst and most difficult BU in my life. This was a 1 yr on and off lesbian relationship that was ultimately doomed to fail as my ex (H) had no RS experience whatsoever and was too immature at the time to be in a RS. I was crushed and devastated, I had never had so strong feelings for anyone else before. It took about 3 months for the anger to subside, and another 3 to start feeling normal again. At that time (so 6 months after the BU), I met another girl (L) who I started dating. L was a very good match on paper and everything went well. But I had some doubts, never managed to develop strong feelings and project myself into the future with her.

 

2 weeks ago I saw H at our friend's mutual wedding after 18 months of total NC. We knew we would see each other and were both very anxious about the whole thing. As explained in a recent thread, everything went very very well, as we managed to somehow rekindle our bond through good old banter and jokes; and eventually had a closure conversation that we would have been totally unable to have at the time of the BU. I told H I still thought that she was the right person I met at the wrong time in her life, but said I would not contact her and would not be friends with her. I don't regret anything I have said, I am glad to have left the door unlocked. But I also did two silly things that I am not very proud of: tried to kiss her even though I knew she had a girlfriend and drunk texted her back at home after the wedding. Ouch. I have not heard from her since and have permanently deleted her phone number.

 

In the meantime I have decided to break up with L. Strangely, it was the most amicable BU ever and we have decided to remain friends, albeit with some time apart for a few weeks. It turned out that L and I started dating each other when we were at a point in our life where we both wanted something "rational" rather than "emotional", easy rather than complicated, reassuring rather than passionate, down-to-earth rather than idealistic and so on...A lot of friends said it was such a pity because we were such a good match. Well, a good match indeed, but on paper only.

 

The whole made me also realize I was so not over H, who is now my next-to-last ex! I have this ingrained belief that we will get back together one day. It is scary and comforting at the same time. And so I have decided to start counseling. The first session was yesterday, and I just spent a good hour telling the therapist the whole story, so that she can determine what to work on. I don't even know yet exactly what I want from those sessions. The therapist's initial thought was that I had never grieved the RS properly and had been suppressing my feelings for a year and a half.

 

So, after this rather long introduction, I would be curious to hear from people who went through a similar experience and decided to seek counseling to finally get over their ex.

 

Thanks for reading and hopefully offering some advice.

[rich46]

The therapist's initial thought was that I had never grieved the RS properly and had been suppressing my feelings for a year and a half.

Yeah I remember saying that on your thread a week or two ago. Sorry the recent relationship ended, but glad that it was amicable and you are working on your issues now.

 

I went to a therapist just the one time, August 2015, some 4-5 months post-break up. I got everything off my chest, just as you did yesterday, and that was enough to spur me on for the proceeding few months. I did exchange a few emails with this therapist, and cancelled a couple of subsequent appointments, mainly because of the costs of travelling there and the session itself - English speaking therapists are not plentiful in Japan. I think if i had lived closer to her, I would have had a few more sessions which I think may have accelerated my healing a bit. Just knowing that I have someone there was reassuring for me, but that is mainly because i am in a foreign land with a very limited support network.

 

Good luck, hope it goes well

[Lysflower]

Yeah I remember saying that on your thread a week or two ago. Sorry the recent relationship ended, but glad that it was amicable and you are working on your issues now.

 

I went to a therapist just the one time, August 2015, some 4-5 months post-break up. I got everything off my chest, just as you did yesterday, and that was enough to spur me on for the proceeding few months. I did exchange a few emails with this therapist, and cancelled a couple of subsequent appointments, mainly because of the costs of travelling there and the session itself - English speaking therapists are not plentiful in Japan. I think if i had lived closer to her, I would have had a few more sessions which I think may have accelerated my healing a bit. Just knowing that I have someone there was reassuring for me, but that is mainly because i am in a foreign land with a very limited support network.

 

Good luck, hope it goes well

 

Thanks for sharing Rich. I am grateful that I have a circle of friends I can count on, but I think I have reached a point where I need to seek professional help for fear of ruining my life by keeping pining over that ex.. This must have been tough for you to deal with your BU in a bit of isolation far from home. Looks like you have emerged stronger on the other side