EX's new bf asked her to marry him..

[vhshowdown]

I just got off the phone with my EX, and she dropped the bomb on me. But get this, he asked her to marry him on Saturday, she still hasnt given him an answer. She also asked me if I wanted to hang out with her later this week. Well, after that, its obvious she should NOT do it, but how do I handle this, to where I dont look like Im crawling on my hands and knees for her?!?!?!?! She has to call me back later today, which is good, so I have time to get my heart outta my throat!!

 

HELP!!!

[GettingOverIt]

She asked if you wanted to hang out her later... Do you know exactly what she means there? I mean, it sounds to me like you are reading a whole lot into things... You need to be clear about what she is expecting, and I think you need to be careful since she hasn't given her answer yet - one way or the other.... Does she know your feelings about her?

[RayKay]

I just got off the phone with my EX, and she dropped the bomb on me. But get this, he asked her to marry him on Saturday, she still hasnt given him an answer. She also asked me if I wanted to hang out with her later this week. Well, after that, its obvious she should NOT do it, but how do I handle this, to where I dont look like Im crawling on my hands and knees for her?!?!?!?! She has to call me back later today, which is good, so I have time to get my heart outta my throat!!

 

HELP!!!

 

I usually find it strange when an ex gets married - and that is when I am way over them, so I can only imagine how you feel right now.

 

If you are strong enough to meet her this week, then do so, but I would not bring up her "non-answer" or maybe by then an answer - let her do it first if it is brought up at all and then you can talk to her about it but in a "friend like-interest only" manner.

 

Don't read too much into her not having said yes yet, she might be really weighing it, or might not be ready YET, who knows except her right now. Sometimes people don't answer right away - though it does show she is not 100% sure about yes, it does not mean she does not want to ever.

 

When she calls today congratulate her if you have not already and wish her luck. You can tell her it is a surprise, but don't make it sound snide or tell her she is doing wrong thing if she does, etc.

[codaaurora]

You know, about two weeks ago I bought this book called "How to love your lover back". It's a book designed to help you heal, to become the person you used to be/should have been all along and maybe, just maybe, win back your lover.

 

One of the things that they said in there when something like this comes up, is that you cannot tell someone else what to do. Especially not in a situation like this. But what you can do, is let them know, that while you love them very much, would love to be with them again, you can't make this decision for them. They need to decide what's best for them. This is a horrible, scary proposition, you're basically telling them "Hey, I love you but it's ok if you want to run off with this other person and love them instead". That just KILLS. But you have to. You can't beg them to not do it, or cry it out, or beat it into them. Any advice you give is going to be taken with a 10 pound grain of salt, especially if it's "You shouldn't do this because of blah blah blah". You can point out a few good and bad points, but you must come back with not being the one who has to make the decision about their future happiness.

 

But god I feel for you, I really do. This must be horrible. I found out last week that my ex thought he was falling in love with someone he just met 3 weeks ago and who is 14 years his junior (she's 21).

 

I wish you all the luck in the world, and know that you have people out here who are thinking about you and standing by you while you go through this. Let that give you strength if nothing else can.

[vhshowdown]

Ok, she just called. I tried not to talk about it, but she then brought it up. She said it just came up out of the blue. She is like you know that is all I ever wanted was to be married, etc... Well she just told me they were really good friends for about 6 months now, but she doesnt think she loves him that way. She told me "I love you that way!!"

 

I about dropped the phone. I never expected that. I didnt say it back, but I told her that is why I have been going slow with us getting back together, I always thought it would be me and her!! No matter what I was not gonna let it happen. So, we are going out tomorrow nite, and talk about it some more.....

 

 

My shirt is soaked with sweat right now from all this.

[codaaurora]

Just remember, when you go out tomorrow night, stay cool. You can do this! Honestly tell her how you feel but make sure that she knows that you cannot make up her mind for her.

[Hope75]

I think it's a good sign, that this proposal is forcing her to evaluate exactly what she wants, and it sounds like that is to marry the right person and not just "get married".

 

Take it slow and spend some time with her, but be careful, this is still a sticky situation because she still hasn't turned the other guy down.

[SkyFire]

She is your EX.

 

For what ever reason it did not work out.

 

Move on.

[lonelyguy]

hey glad to hear the news! Good luck tomorrow night and remember keep a cool head 8)

[jecht]

She is your EX.

 

For what ever reason it did not work out.

 

Move on.

 

i'm better sure he still likes her and she likes him to so y would he do that and on topic good luck and remember to keep a cool head

[codaaurora]

She is your EX.

 

For what ever reason it did not work out.

 

Move on.

 

Nothing is final in this world. Sometimes two people aren't right for each other today, but who's to say about the future? There is no written law that says that once you see someone and break up, that's it, game over, no more chances for you two Bub.

 

And his situation is different, she is conflicted and needed to make some decisions, maybe this proposal is waking her up. Too often we want something so badly that we put blinders on and forget to think about what is really important.

 

I still say Good Luck! You'll have my hopes and prayers with you. Just stay Cool!

[vhshowdown]

Thank you all so much. I am feeling better now, I just took a very very long shower. While I was in there she left a message, "just called to see what you are doing, I am getting off work now, look forward to tomorrow nite."

 

I think this proposal has got me thinking now to. I have been "slow playing" our getting back together now for month and a half. Maybe this was too long. I dont know. But this roller coaster the last few weeks has got me a lil shaken now. I know I gotta be cool tomorrow though.

 

I know she is confused now. so am I. Do I come out and tell her how I really feel now. Or do I just be a friend for the time being? Do I let her do most of the talking, and whats on her mind...

 

And I am gonna go buy that book you talked about Codaaurora this week sometime.

[annie24]

Other people may have other opinions, but I think it's about time that you laid all your cards on the table. She told you all of this for a reason... I think she clearly wants to see how you feel about her. I think if you still love her, and want another shot at things, NOW IS THE TIME!

 

Not "let's stay friends." Now is not the time to be friends. If you tell her that you love her, and she says she doesn't, then let her get married to the other guy and YOU, move on with your life.

 

Good luck.

[lady00]

I am really puzzled by this. How on earth did she let that relationship get so serious that he asked her to marry him if she's in love with you and not him? Ask yourself: why is she with him if she loves you? She is with him because she chose to be with him and she made that choice for a reason. If she is serious about you, why hasn't she dumped him yet? Why wasn't she able to turn his proposal down right away? Something just seems very wrong with that.

[annie24]

I am really puzzled by this. How on earth did she let that relationship get so serious that he asked her to marry him if she's in love with you and not him? Ask yourself: why is she with him if she loves you? She is with him because she chose to be with him and she made that choice for a reason. If she is serious about you, why hasn't she dumped him yet? Why wasn't she able to turn his proposal down right away? Something just seems very wrong with that.

 

Oooohhh.... good points! This girl does sound a little messed up in the head. I mean... yeah... what's with this no answer yet. It seems to me, this girl is confused, or she enjoys playng with both your minds, or BOTH!

[vhshowdown]

Those are good points Lady00 & Annie. I dont know. She told me at the beginning of February, that she was afraid of getting hurt by me again. So, she has been hesitant to get into a relationship with me. So, instead of pushing her into it, I have been taking things slow, showing her who I am, and got her thinking. But, I never came out and said I want you back, for fear of getting her scared or something. Yesterday on the phone, I told her this finally, and I think she took that as a breath of fresh air.

 

Now, I dont really know a whole lot about her relationship with this guy. They work together, and known each other for about 6 months she said. Now, she is a very beautiful girl, alot of guys hit on her. And also, she told me when I was with her last Monday nite, she told him we were talking again. So, maybe it was his way to get me out of the picture? I dont know. Hopefully I can find out more tonite..... Now why she didnt say no right away, I cant say... she did say she was stunned!!

 

So, tonite, I will let her fill my ears. I will tell her some (not all) of my feelings. That we have a great time together, we share alot of interests, I would like to see us get married someday, but not tomorrow or anything, lets see how things go for the next few months first. (I have envisioned us getting married and down the road, this is truly what I want)

 

As you can imagine, I am trying to keep a level head thru all this.

[keefy1972]

I would think that maybe things with the other guy really didn't get so serious. Maybe she is just trying to force vhs' hand here. He has been playing it really cool and taking things slow. Maybe she just wanted to know he still cares about her. Maybe she is trying to tell you that you need to make a move. She is ready. I agree with you annie, NOW IS THE TIME!! But just my opinion.

[Cecelius]

I would be VERY easy going on the situation. I know she has feelings for you, that is clear, but its also clear that she is confused, and HE is her b/f -- you do not want to be thinking about all the sympathy she will be giving him, all the emotional/physical contact they will be having.

 

I would steer very clear until he's history. Use that time to figure out why she was an ex.

[codaaurora]

I have to agree with Cec here, have you thought about why she is an Ex?

 

Have you thought about why she hasn't answered him, either she cares for him or she doesn't. Perhaps she may have been just waiting to see what you did in reaction to it, but how fair is that of her to the other person? Is she just so blinded by her need to marry someone, that she is willing to stake her future happiness on it?

 

Either way, I think you should be honest and upfront with her about your feelings for her, but that you should also make known that you're just not at the point of being ready to get married (if this is your case and it sounds like it). Make sure that you tell her that this is a choice she has to make, either wait to see what happens between you two or get instant gratification with the other man. (6 months is pretty darn quick, so he may be rebound too)

 

I bought that book at Border's for $15.00 and it was the best spent money! I don't regret it and read it often. It has really helped. While I still want my ex back more than anything, I am spending this time getting to know and be happy with me. The book goes over all of this, from sexual relations to healing yourself to getting your love back. It's a great help.

 

I want you to know that I (and I'm sure other's as well) are there with you tonight. Be strong! You can do this! But leave the rose colored glasses in the car ok?

[vhshowdown]

Here is the Update from last nite. First off, she called me up and asked me if I preferred any color for her to wear, etc... So, when I knew she was coming over, I lit the place up with candles, and as I opened the door, I turned the lites off. It was pretty cool.

 

We then went to dinner, and we talked and talked. We eventually got to the subject at hand. She said, she wants to marry me someday, she doesnt want to be alone, she is not in love with this guy, etc... All legit reasons. She also feels this came about because he knew I was in the picture again. But she is afraid of me and what would happen if we get together in a relationship. I told her I always thought we would be married, she has some decisions to make also.

 

We went to a movie, and back to my place. Talked some more, and eventually she stayed the nite. we both enjoyed the nite very much. We laid in bed till 4am this morning talking. And alot of issues came out about us, our situation, etc... I put alot of my thoughts out there for her to hear. Nothing heated mind you, just casual talk. Like, how can you tell me you want to marry me, but then be seeing someone else, and that she has controlled our "relationship" for the past month, like she controls when we talk, see each other, etc... I gave her alot to think about...... a few a my concerns before we go any further. And she said some stuff that got me thinking to, so it was good I think. We both have a feeling what the other wants, is looking for, etc... now whether we can meet on compromised ground is the million dollar question....

 

So this morning getting ready for work, she goes to ask me a general question, and starts with "If we did get back into a relationship, how would you feel...."

 

Time will tell, and the ball is now in her court now to handle things. i dont know, to be honest, what her next move will be with him, me, etc...

[lady00]

She sounds like she has been confused but is now turning more towards you...probably because you have been so patient and understanding with her and you have largely left the ball in her court. Good luck...be optimistic but cautious and keep doing what you're doing (being open, honest and giving her time) it seems to be working!

[vhshowdown]

She sounds like she has been confused but is now turning more towards you...probably because you have been so patient and understanding with her and you have largely left the ball in her court. Good luck...be optimistic but cautious and keep doing what you're doing (being open, honest and giving her time) it seems to be working!

 

 

Thanks Lady00. I am gonna be honest from here on out. I have thought about it, I am no longer gonna talk about marriage. I said most of my peace. I am going back to just having a good time and getting to know her all over again. She knows how I feel, she knows what she & we need to do. I will give her some space, and time to think all this through....

 

I came accross this today. Makes alot of sense to me:

 

Maturity is the difference between a successful relationship and a stressful one. When someone is unhappy, you adjust as needed. Instead of getting frustrated, you try every option until one works.

[keefy1972]

That is a GREAT quote VHS. I am happy to hear that it went so well for you. I chatted with my ex today quite a bit online....small talk, but the small talks all add up over time, don't they?? I would appreciate it if you could tell me exactly how you have handled your situation from beginning up until now. Seems to be working perfectly.

[vhshowdown]

Maturity is the difference between a successful relationship and a stressful one. When someone is unhappy, you adjust as needed. Instead of getting frustrated, you try every option until one works.

 

This is my new moto to follow!!

 

The plan:

Ok, what I planned to get her back. At first, I was cool just to hang out with her. To be honest, I wasnt sure what I was feeling, or what I wanted. First day we talked about our past problems somewhat, and I said this is the last you will hear me talk about it. Which I did. So everytime we talked and hung out, I just concentrated on being happy and making her happy. I was able to keep my emotions in check. Then I didnt hear from her for a few days, so I called her at work, and just tell her I would like to see her sometime, and stuff like that. She came over that evening and brought some movies. She stays the next 2 nites. Which was strange, cause she had told me she didnt want to sleep over all the time, that she is afraid of getting hurt by me again, etc. and here she does it.

 

Well few days later we ended up playing phone tag for a few days. I dont know what happened next. Almost a week later I find out she is starting to go out with someone else. We go out one nite, and I showed her another great evening. I left her wanting more, I know I did. But she continues to see this guy. So, I stop contact from her after that nite.

 

She calls me a few days later, dreaded Valentine's Day actually, and tells me we had a really great time last we were together. I didnt say anything. Few days later, she calls me at work, and I was busy as my boss was in there, and I ask her to call me back, I think she thinks I was blowing her off, so she doesnt call back. I called a week later, and she is like I am busy, but I then get her out of that attitude after awhile. We go few weeks with little contact, cause now she was starting to get to me, so I needed my distance for awhile. Which brings me to where I am now the last few days.

 

So, when I knew she had someone else, and I was able to keep my emotions in check, I showed her who I am, and that we have a great time together. So, the other nite, she tells me when she is with this guy, she thinks about me. Well, that was exactly what I wanted. (I didnt tell her that of course). So I have given her space, treated her with the utmost respect, been upbeat everytime she calls, made her laugh when we are together, showed her some really fun times, and have given myself some space and been a little elusive. I think the worst thing I have done though, is I gave her total control of all this to an extent. But in a way I think she needs this to find out what she wants to.... It has been a roller coaster, and well, I guess I am gonna see it thru.

 

Now she did tell me something the other nite that is really sinking in.

She said that we need to change together, not for one or the other. I think I lost sight of that somewhere......

[keefy1972]

Thanks for filling me in man. It is a long story, just like mine, and I am proud of how you are learning as you go. As long as you are learning things about yourself then the effort is not a waste, no matter what the outcome of you two. The most noticeable difference between your story and mine is, even though we have been broke up for a year now, we have NOT gone more than one week...7 puny days....without having some kind of contact. Just in the last month is the first time we have gone more than a week without talking on the phone.

 

We talk quite a bit about stuff and for months after our split I always wanted to talk about relationship stuff. We both know that that is a death sentence for any faltering relationship. She would say things that I wasn't emotionally prepared to accept and it would always end up in a heated argument with me always saying nasty things that I never meant. Of course, this always pushed her even further away from me, making my dream that much more difficult to attain. I finally, after months of beating my head against that proverbial wall, figured out that the best way to find my place back in to her heart is to avoid relationship stuff until she is ready to address it. If she ever even gets to that point. I have come to grips with the idea that she may never want to be with me again, but I find it silly for me to sit in here and say I love her, and then turn around and abandon her because she doesn't return my love. Loving someone isn't about that. I am dating other people and moving on with my life, but that doesn't mean I can't continue to love her. She is a special girl and deserves that. I know most scorned lovers on here are going to read this, roll their eyes, and think, "what an idiot" and that is ok with me.

 

I can't say whether the "no contact" thing works in getting back someone or not, but I tend to agree with Dragongirl who is adamant in believing no one is going to come back unless the WANT to do it. It really is the only "tactic" that I haven't tried, but I tend to believe that love is not succeptible to tactics and strategies. All I can do is be there for her when she needs me, if I am available, and continue to treat her with utmost respect and never let her doubt that she is loved. Even if she isn't up to the task in returning it. Do you think I am being foolish and naive?? Any opinions, suggestions, or advice?? Ok, with that, let the Keefy bashing begin...