help me please

[can i go on]

now this is the thing about 5 years ago i find the love of my live the best woman in the world after going out for about a year we find out that she was pregnant we was both so happy everything was going so well until one day we had a big fight and i walked out this was the first time that we had ever had a fight when i came home 6 hours later she was not there so i phone my mum for a chat and she told me that emma had gone into labor when i got there the doctor told me that i have a lovely little girl but emma had sadly died in childbirth. my heart broke that day did emma no that i still loved her. now i no that one day my baby (that i bring up alone) will ask me about her mum what do i say that i killed her i keep thinking that if we had not had a fight then she would not have gone into labor and she would still be here is it coz of me that she died

[DN]

You are not to blame. You did not kill her.That is not true and you must stop believing that. Couples have fights all the time - what you did was not at all unusual. Stop blaming yourself. It was not great behaviour but you did not kill her - she died in childbirth.

 

Now you have a daughter that you have a moral duty to raise to the very best of your ability. She deserves the best life you can give her and you will not be able to do that if you carry these feelings of guilt around with you. Your primary responsibility is to her and for her sake you must become grounded and rational. You owe her nothing less.

 

The best way you can honour the memory of Emma is to be the best possible father to her daughter and that means getting past these feelings of guilt. When she asks about her mother you tell her that she died because something was wrong inside - and it was not your daughter's fault either. Tell her her mother loved her very much.

[volution]

You must never think you killed her - you didn't.

It might not seem like it now but you couldn't have known.

It will be very hard, but you mustn't dwell on this. Speak to a counsellor if you aren't getting anywhere.

 

You must be strong now, for that new life that was brought into the world. I know nothing can ever replace what you have lost, but cherish this girl, love her like you loved your beloved, and never tell her it was your fault that her mother died. Just that you lost her.

[Beec]

I agree with DN. He pretty much hit teh nail on the head.

 

Over time, I would begin to tell your daughter more and mroe about her mother. And I would also recommend that you try to tell your daughter good things about her mother, not just the story about what happened at her birth.

 

I read something not too long ago on a study about single parent households and how the kids were affected. The kids from homes in which one parent had died generally had fewer problems than those from other single parent homes. The explanation was that the memory of the missing parent as a good man or woman, as they were told by the parent who still lived, often gave them much of what they needed. It's not a substitute for the missing parent, but the lessons somehow got through. With divorced families, the parents often bad-mouthed each other. So, use your wife as a good example for your daughter.

[revdeluka]

dont, dont. dont do it. its ok to cry and mourn her cos you miss her and not because you feel like you killed her. dont blame your self. i know youll miss her but dotn blame your self. like the others have said, give your daughter the best of yourself. pls dont blame yourself.

[RayKay]

Guilt is a hard thing to deal with, even when as in your case it is NOT something you should feel guilt for.

 

A past boyfriend of 5 years of mine died quite suddenly almost three years ago know, though he had some illness that indicated major problems. He had had the same problems earlier and had been caught early. I had guilt for a long time over not insisting he get checked out earlier, get more opinions, go to the ER. He had been planning on going the next day back to the neurologist, but had a major cerebral hemorrhage that night, and died 5 days later after never having woke up from coma. But, eventually I realized I could not blame myself, it was the way things happened and I had no control over them - just as YOU did not have control over what happened to your wife. She died due to complications in childbirth, not because of your fight.

 

Love your child, and teach them all about their mother in a loving, open way - teach them about their life, not their death and learn to forgive yourself.

[PhoenixInATL]

From what I understand, between pregnancy hormones and general stress between couples that are expecting, fights are relatively common. And if your fight caused her death, than I'd think there'd be a lot more women dying in childbirth.

 

I can see why it would be natural for your mind to link the two event together given that they were in the same time frame, but they pulled a woman out of the ocean after the tsunami that had been floating out there for days, and the baby is going to be fine and so is she. If the emotional and physical stress of THAT didn't kill either one of them, I can guarantee that your fight didn't kill her.

 

I think what's left is guilt that your last words, and given that situation, weren't what you would have wanted. But I'm sure she's had fights with you and other people previously, and knew that, okay, we're fighting, but ultimately I still love this person. So I'm sure she knew, regardless of what was said, that it was just a fight and you still loved her. You didn't stop loving her simply because you had a fight, right? And I'm sure she felt the same, and knew that you must still love her too.

 

It doesn't help with the loss you feel, and I feel for you. But allow yourself to release the added emotional burden of guilt. I'm sure that she knew that if you had a crystal ball, you would've been right there. Unfortunately, we don't, and she knows that too.