What to do?!?

[Colinwilliams2]

OK so as I've stated in another post, I became friends with a "straight" guy about four years ago. When I met him I had nointentions of becoming sexual with him however after the first time we chilled he had asked me for oral because he always wondered what it was like from a guy. Ever since then we have messed around frequently.

 

From the beginning he has always told me he is a very private person and

I always go out of my way and above and beyond for him. Usually at my own expense, but he hardly ever asks me for anything most of the time I just do it as a surprise.

 

Since the beginning of our friendship I've had a very hard time keeping it a secret. My mind would go crazy about him and I've confided in my friends (no, I've confided in almost everybody) about our "friendship". The first couple times it would get brought up to him we would stop speaking for awhile but he would always come back to me. And I've admitted I've told people. But obviously this has caused someone who is already a private person to lose trust in me. But we would still continue to mess around time and time again.

 

He's very insecure with his sexuality even though is not something we talk about. He is always concerned people are going to see me and know I'm gay and assume he is. I know this is an issue with himself and not me.

 

We've tried to have sex a handful of times but he was never gentle enough at first, or I wasn't prepared if you know what I mean. He's never preformed oral on me, but I always do him. He let's be stick a finger up there, or eat his a$$ and even though I don't ever reach an orgasm I still enjoy doing it. Mind you this has been going on four years and on the regular. Just recently he started pleasing me with his hand while I preform oral.

 

Other little things he does makes me think he's becoming more comfortable because we'll mess around in the car and he's not very paranoid about getting caught as he once was.

 

He's always down to hangout anytime I ask but usually will decline if it's something like a social event like a party or something and I believe it's because he feels everyone's heard about what me and him do. The thing is everyone in my social group is LGBT friendly plus we're all adults and no one cares.

 

Allot of times after we mess around hell so say this is the last time because it's wrong or against his religion etc etc but he's usually the one to bring it up.

 

For awhile I was feeling used and we finally had a discussion we've been needing to have all these years and he broke down and Told me everything he's been going through with his girlfriend (ever since they started dating our friendship got worse) and he's told me he's honestly never messed with a guy before and he doesn't know why but he feels really comfortable with me and it's weird to him.

 

I'm convinced he's fully Gay but deep indennial and I have felt that way since day one.

 

I do feel I do too much for him but since he's opened up to be more I told him that's all he has to do to make me feel not used. To talk to me about what's going on in his life and his brain. To go out and do things with me and my group of friends that none of them are going to judge him or think anything. I told him the main reason why I talk to other people about him is because we don't have these talks ourselves.

 

I've also seen several red flags as I know he has anger issues and has put his hands on girls (we've gotten into fights on a couple occasions and he has punched me, definitely not his hardest and usually it was when we were drinking and I've called him out on his sexuality) and also he will ask me for oral and seems to not be able to take no for an answer. And yes these are red flags, however, I think it stems from his insecurity about his sexuality.

 

I don't think he is a bad person. Matter of fact I think he is a really great amazing person but is just struggling with interpersonal issues.

 

I really really really love him and have never felt so attracted to someone so emotionally or physically.

 

We are really good friends and when something comes up we are pretty good at having conversations about it.

 

And I feel I have pushed him away a little bit because some of his choices worry me and I don't want to see anything bad happen so at times I have been over bearing.

 

I don't really have a specific question but I want to hear others inputs or similar situations and the outcomes.

 

Now I know why all my gay friends say don't mess with the closested guys!!!

 

I don't want to waste all these years I have invested and something in me tells me to keep hope that someday we could be more...

 

I'm still keeping my options open and looking for someone who I like just as much as I like him.

 

All my friends and people who see us together say we have something special.

 

What would you do??

[Colinwilliams2]

Of course my posts are always long as hell sorry I try to keep them short but this is four years worth of stuff! Thank you to anyone who reads through it and shares their input

[Edmund Exley]

It sounds like he is using you just to have homosexual sex.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he's on the down low because of his religion, denial, questioning, whatever. So he wants a hush-hush fwb type situation, not a gay social life or a relationship.

 

It may be easier to date gay men who have come out, are part of the LGBT community and social scene and therefore willing to have a relationship with another man.

after we mess around hell so say this is the last time because it's wrong or against his religion etc

 

]

[Siwil1030]

Wow, what an intense four years!!! I can't even imagine having to keep such an intimate secret for so long... well, in a way I can... I was a closet lesbian for a long time... until I finally realized that who I was was ok and no one truly cared... maybe he is going through intense denial. He doesn't seem thrilled with his girlfriend, but don't put yourself in a position to be hurt because he just wants you there for sexual needs.