How do I respond to his apology? (recap and latest developme

[cassiana]

To recap.

 

My boyfriend dumped me on April 3rd 2004 after a short but very special relationship. it was completely unexpected. He had made plans for trips for us etc etc. I came to the fairly obvious conclusion that it was a kneejerk reaction to illness (CFS / M.E) the pressure of work and stress at having to do a very intense law course for 3 months which he found difficult.

He told a friend the day after that I had done nothing wrong. He told me as he broke up with me that I had been great etc etc. I got up and walked out on him. He looked miserable.

He sent me some jokes by email over the next two weeks and a birthday card but I had begun NC. I knew there was no point salving his conscience and I did n't want to be a doormat. I knew also that the course was what was putting tremendous pressure on him so there would be no reconciliation before then. I waited four months until his course was over and he was back finishing his law apprenticesahip and then sent him some jokes by email. His reply was cold and mentioned his plans to finish his apprenticeship and travel around the far east. I replied saying that I thought that was a great idea and I hoped hed have fun. His reply was warm. So we emailed until december. At first I would email he would reply but it would fizzle out on his end. I knew from a friendd that he was very very tired and was staying in the office during lunch because he felt so tired. However around october I decided not to email him anymore. Then he initiated the emailing. Until december when he finished his apprenticeship and never emailed goodbye. There wasnt even a happy christmas or happy new year text. He went off travelling in january. I decided that I would never email him again. I heard that he was emailing his friends but not me.

 

Then about 3 weeks ago, (early march 2005) he emaild me from New Zealand. He was sorry that he hadnt said goodbye and even sorrier that he hadnt been in contact for 3 months. I waited a week and sent him a very cheery reply. He sent me another email asking me about my holiday plans etc etc. I told him I was going to China (I am) and how I was going hillwalking etc etc that weekend.

 

LATEST DEVELOPMENT

Now I have just received a reply from him from New Zealand (where he will be travelling until he comes home on May 5th). He said he was sorry for hurting me and for being a ..... (rhymes with rick and bed). He tells me that he has been single since. That hes messed up doesn't know what he wants and could use a team of shrinks. He ended the letter with an x. He hasnt done that since we broke up.

 

What is he up to and how on earth do I reply to that?

What do I say?

 

thanks.

[Scout]

Well, first I want to commend you on how you handled the break-up. You did it with dignity, maturity, and in a way that in the long run, saved you from as little damage to your self esteem as possible. I loved the part where you wrote you weren't going to take part in him "salving his conscious" by acting like nothing was wrong and eagerly responding to his emails.

 

But anyway, time has passed...obviously, you still have feelings for him and that's understandable. Part of it though is that he ended the relationship...we all have that little bit of pride that gets hurt when we're not the one who ended it, and we tend to think that we weren't good enough in some way for that person. That's not the case at all - you are very apt in realizing he simply did not have the energy or inclination to put the effort into the relationship - because he couldn't handle all the other stuff going on in his life. That is a weakness on his part. Relationships take time and devotion, and you either have the capability to step up to the plate and do the work or not. He clearly falls short in this department, you don't.

 

Has he changed? Who knows...obviously he has some regrets, but its difficult to say if he wants to try again. And should you get back with him if he does? Only if he has fixed that shortcoming. Or it will happen all over again. My suggestion is to respond briefly, and a bit candidly, without giving too much of yourself away. Maybe something like this:

 

"Thanks for the apology. Yes, I was hurt that you ended the relationship. Looking back, I realize you had a lot on your plate, and did not have the commitment to keeping the relationship a priority that was needed for it to work. It sounds like you are going through some inner turmoil right now, and all I can tell you is if you think therapy will help you with your future relationships, then definitely go for it. The fact is, relationships take a lot of effort, but the "work" should ultimately be fun. If you don't find it fun, then maybe therapy will help you see things in a different light. And hey, I commend you for recognizing you might need some guidance in this area. It will ultimately pay off for you - a healthy relationship between two committed people is a wonderful experience, and I hope you have that one day.

 

Take care "

 

It's short, brief, and subtly lets him know he falls short in the intimacy department, without coming accross as criticism. And you will sound very mature and grounded, which will throw him for a loop, too .

 

What do you think?

[cassiana]

Dear Scout

 

Thanks for your reply.

My initial reaction as he said "break-up" was "be careful how you react girl, because this isn't the end of this".

Then about a month after the breakup I found this site which has been a real help to me. It was Beec who suggested that I email my ex last august for example.

I think I agree with your suggested reply but for one thing. I really want him back and if I refer to his future relationships etc does it sound like that I'm suggesting that I would never take him back. I would, if I thought that he was sincere about wanting me back. It is really what I have been working towards.I think I will use large amounts of your suggestion (i don't know how to quote on this forum).

He has had counselling before. Depression is a big part of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. You are working hard and you are cut down in your prime while all your peers move on get jobs, get married and have families.

 

I do like the way you put it about having to work at a relationship and that it should be fun.

Of course my ego was hurt. You both have a great time and everything is perfect and off he scampers, not because theres trouble between us but because hes under work pressure. As against that I know his illness is severe. He spent two years almost housebound in his twenties.

I have been dumped before and never tried to get the guy back, but this guy meant so much to me and I know that he liked me very much. My big fear is, as you pointed out, that he could do this again.

He is very clever though. He hasn't made it clear what he wants and he is sorting this whilst still away. Ideally this should be face-to-face.

I'm cynical enough to believe that his apology includes an agenda. But does it match mine?

 

I also know that had a weekend fling about two weeks ago with an english girl while he was away. They slept together but the next day he said something that she took exception to the next day and generally wrecked

his head. yet he told me that he has had no relationships.

I have had re;ationships of two and three months duration since our break-up but I have never menti0oned that to him. Should I?

[Scout]

Well, I question whether getting back with this guy would be a good thing. He doesn't handle relationships well, and I just see the same things happening again. Sounds like he has a fear of getting close.

 

Regarding the wording of the email I suggested, keep in mind he has an ego just like the rest of us do. And if your message comes accross as the last thing on your mind is the two of you getting back together, his interest will be piqued, I guarantee it. He may initially respond with an email that just says "thanks". Sit back, be patient and wait: he'll get in touch again, and this time, more aggressively.

 

It's a game, but if you want this guy back, it's probably one you have to play. But ask yourself: if you have to play games to get someone interested again, is he really worth it?

[Mun]

Hi Cassiana,

I think a very important thing here is that you want him back. Would it really solve anything to come at him with accusations now?

 

I feel that for him to take the time to properly apologize to you for being an idiot ( sorry but he said it first) takes alot out of a man. He has to first admit that he was wrong, and then face your approval or rejection. Not an easy task.

 

I understand all that you have been through and I agree with Scout that you handled yourself very well throughout all this. Probably the reason why he would even consider making amends to you--you deserve it.

 

The way I would handle this, if I was in your shoes, is the way you have already handled things this past year. With alot of grace and class. Thank him for the apology and let him know that you appreciate it. Focus on what Scout said about relatioships involving work but requiring fun too. Try not to discuss anything 'therapy related' somehow I feel that it's ok for him to mention that but that maybe you shouldn't bring it up...and basically make this a friendly note. If you hope to re-kindle anything you have to start out as friends first right?

 

Now I think that it really depends how he comes at you next to determine if this is going to move further, but whether or not it does you want to have things leave off on a good note. Maybe he needed this time to take stock of his life and of what he had in you... you don't know that yet. Play it by ear.. but move slowly.

[cassiana]

Thank you both very much for your great advice. I think the key note from both of you is caution.

I agree with you Scout that his ability to handle relationships is a big concern. I do not think that he trusts his body anymore and tries to avoid stress at all costs.He will be jobhunting when he returns and that worries me.I also agree with you Muneca that it takes alot out of a man to admit he was wrong. Knowing that makes me hope that he has come to some decision about his future.

I'm going to take my time to reply. I have already rejected a few drafts in my head. You always tend to be too emotive at the start don't you. I have to be careful because he has only apolgised for what he has done, he has not implied anything about the future.

I have to say that I do not know if I could have handled all this so well if it wasn't for this site. It really put me on the right track.

 

Thanks.

[cassiana]

So i responded to my ex's apology. In the middle of my usual light-hearted stuff I had a small paragraph.

 

I said that I knew he had been under pressure last year and that men aren't known for their multi-tasking but that I had been very very hurt and disappointed by what happened. I said that I don't take these things lightly and that in these situations you always run the risk of having the rug pulled out from under you. I said that I did appreciate the apology though and that this trip would give him an opportunity to clear his head and what is left is gold.I didn't put an X at the end.

 

He waited about nine days to reply.

the reply made no reference to what was said. It was warm and funny yes and asked me what concerts I have been to etc. There was no X at the end this time.

 

I wonder why he has withdrawn again.

I remember that during our last proper date before the break-up we got particularly close and I know that he doesn't really confide in anyone.

 

I haven't replied yet. I wonder does he think that I'm in the bag so to speak and want to introduce an element of doubt. I plan a light-hearted reply that tells him about all the great gigs I have been to.

 

What do you guys think is going on with him?

[Mun]

Hi Cassiana,

What is going on in his head? Who knows? It'd be nice if a man would tell us what he thinks might be going on in his head. Guys??

 

I think you should respond in the same warm and casual way he did to you. Stay on the same page as him. Stay in the here and now .

 

I know how easy it is to wonder what is going on in his head, what does he want.. etc... I do that too ... but I think the safest thing to do is to enjoy the exchanges, but let him be the one to move this (whatever this is) along... and you, meanwhile, take care of you... accept other dates...stay busy with the things you enjoy doing. That way you stay a bit out of the bag ( and fun and flirty ) and things don't get stressful for you.

[kate111]

Perhaps after your ex dumped you the time away from you gave him time to reflect deeply about things and after he thought about things he had some doubts abut his decision to dump you.

 

Often when we are in a relationship with somebody but feel there are reasons to break up with someone we focus on these "problems" and feel the need to end things. Once we are left alone with some time alone we can then come to appreciate the things that the relationship provided and miss the other person.

 

Your ex could have written that letter because he misses you or perhaps he has had a chance to feel guilty and wants to make things alright with you, because he has feelings that he has done wrng and wants to make it up to you.

 

Perhaps the reason why he has "pulled away" after you wrote to him is that he feels unsure at the moment and doesn't want to get into things too deeply with you just yet. He doesn't want to become involved in something he can't get out of too quickly. He may also want to salve his own conscience by saying sorry and remaining on good (but more distant) terms but not want to give you the false impression that he wants to get back with you in a romantic sense.

 

I think you have done well by forgiving him. That way he doesn't need to feel bad anymore and won't contact you simply because he is feeling guilty. It makes you a good person as well.

 

You need to suss out whether he is truly confused. Be nice but distant and see if he wants to get in any deeper.

[cassiana]

Thanks for both your responses.

Thus is my wee update.

 

I replied in a cheery way telling him all the concerts etc I had been to, as he asked and I decided to put an X at the end of the letter. He replied as soon as he got it and his reply had an X back on.

 

So i'm presuming he didn't X me the last time because I didn't X him.

If that is the case then he's not pulling back is he?

 

What do you guys think?

 

Thanks.

[Mun]

I think you're on the right track. It doesn't sound like he is pulling back, he wants to be friendly.

 

How do you feel about all this now?

[cassiana]

Dear Muneca,

 

To tell you the truth I feel scared. I'm afraid that something will go wrong and we won't get back together. It has been a very hard year and i'm feeling the strain. I'm focusing on getting him back rather than speculating on a fututre because that would be too painful if things didn't work out. It has been a year since we've even spoken to each other so i'm even nervous about meeting him again, that's if he asks me.

[Mun]

I know exactly how you feel. Big cyber to you. I am at this time in the same predicament

 

Focus on you and how you feel about his latest contact. Try not to speculate too much ( or over-analyze) and just go with the flow--so to speak-- be friendly/flirty. Reciprocate the attention in the same measure it is given to you... you will be fine. ( I tell myself these things everyday )

[cassiana]

Dear Muneca

 

Thanks for the hug. It certainly is a situation that takes alot out of you mentally doesn't it. You choose your words with such care. you pick up on everything they say. In the past month ive rollercoastered from, he'll definitely be back, to hes pulling away. A friend gave me a copy of "he's just not that into you", which was depressing and a little simplistic. I hope it works out for the both of us. Men seem to need time to work out relationships. Women seem to need time to work men out.

[cassiana]

well I met up with my ex in mid may. He came back on a thursday. On the monday he texted our mutual friend asking for my number as he had lost his phone in Australia.

He texted me an hour later asking was i still on for saturday. I said yes. He said great stuff. Then a little later he texted to say it would be great to catch up. That was my first alarm.

I went up to his house on saturday. He hugged me and gave me a peck on the lips. we had a nice night. we went out for a drink. He started getting a migraine so we went back to his house. He thanked me for coming and said we must definitely do this again, how about saturday week? I hesitated wondering if I was available. He immediately jumped in saying another weekend would be fine if i was busy that weekend. I said I was free.

Then he said he was unemployed and job- hunting and didn't know if he could handle a relationship just then. He said what if we were just friends and then see what happens. I said that I felt that when we dated we did too much. He said he didn't want to appear weak. I said I didn't think he was weak. That there was no need to impress me as I was already impressed. He crumbled at that. He gave me a big long hug and kissed me on the lips. We parted on the best of terms. He said he would definitely be in contact and that I should definitely keep saturday week free. He promised we would have a better time than this.

That Tuesday he texted to ask me if I was free from 2 to 4 on wednesday as he was coming up to my town. I texted back within ten minutes saying yes and where did he want to meet. No reply. That was my second alarm bell.

The next day I asked him again by text where would we meet. He immediately texted back to say that he couldn't make it today. I txtd back to say okay and i hope his migraine was better. That was Wednesday.

A week passed and I didn't hear from him. This was the wednesday before our next meeting. On Thursday evening when he hadn't replied. I texted him.

" I presume by your silence that you have changed your mind about the saturday that I should definitely keep free and haven't had the courtesy to tell me"

He texted back to tell me I was great and deserved happiness and he was a mess etc etc.

I texted back to ask what that meant. No reply.

I sent it again friday and then he told me he wasn't able for a relationship right now etc. For the first time I expressed my anger and told him how selfish he was. That was over 3 weeks ago and it has been radio silence since.

 

I felt very relieved that I finally got to tell him hoiw angry I was albeit by text.

I have this strong feeling that he will contact me again after I come back from my summer holidays in July.

Do you think he will contact me?

[Hope75]

At the point I don't think it matters much, do you?

 

He's very mixed up and is not prepared in anyway to give you what you want. This has been going on for over a year, and nothing has changed.

 

Why waste another moment playing these games with him?

 

It's time to stop wondering what's going on in his head and chalk it up to a bad experience, and move on.

 

You have been letting this eat you for way too long.

 

Let him go, let yourself heal and get on with your life.

[Mun]

I totally agree with hope.

 

From his actions it sounds like this man is not as excited about you as he should be. Even with his medical condition I would like to think he would put forth some effort. Instead, he has been very clear about not being able to handle a relationship right now...yet wants to keep you around. Not fair to you and you know that.

 

I think it's time to walk away. He is right, he is a total mess and frankly he doesn't deserve a girlfriend if he does not even have the courtesy to call you back to let you know what is going on. You can do so much better.

 

Chin up girl! You ARE worth it !

[kate111]

This guy is vacilating between maybe wanting you and not wanting you. He cannot commit but he can't let you go either.

 

This must stop. You have to know where you stand.

 

What I would do:

 

1. Try to forget him.

2. If he rings you say you are busy and make things very hard for him. No need to be mean just be distant and non commital.

 

This way if he works out that he wants you he will have to fight for you and show more commitment. If he thinks he is losing you and he really wants you he WILL make the effort.

 

You don't want him if his feelings are lukewarm. It just isn't worth it cos you could find someone who REALLY digs you.

 

If he doesn't have the strength of feeling to make the effort then you can move on and keep your dignity by seeming as if you weren't that interested either.

 

Does that make sense?

[cassiana]

Since our initial break-up I have been trying desperately to replace him. I have dated several men and despipte many well meaning peoples' exhortations that i'm worth it non of them seem to impressed either. Sure if i could meet a great guy I would forget my ex but sad to say he is so far the best relationship I have ever had. Bad and all that is.

 

I have been practical dating men and I'm out trying to find someone new every weekend. If that happens my ex is history. However as long as the opposite sex refuse to value the charms that well meaning people who I cannot date keep telling me, my ex is my best bat.

 

It is eating me up because I have long suspected that my niceness is what allows other people to undervalue me.

This time rather than be gracious as all the best books recommended and this situation has proved wrong, I have replied with anger.

Even some of you were telling me less than a month ago that things were looking positive. My friends thought things were looking positive. Our mutual friend thought things were looking positive. How am I to believe anything if he flip flops so spectacularly and then all my friends follow suit.

 

When we started dating everyone thought he was mad about me.

They were wrong.

Then he dumped me and they said he would never come back.

they were wrong.

Then he came back and they said he must really care.

They were wrong.

Now hes run away again and half are saying he will be back when he gets his job and half are saying foget him.

I do not know what to think.

[Mun]

If this is the best you can do then that's pretty sad. He may be a great guy, but at this time( and like the other times) he just doesn't follow through. Sure it may be his illness and his work situation, I'd like to see what happens when his life falls into place and he has all the bases covered.

 

I think we all thought it looked good because it seemed he was finally coming around, unfortunately he did another one of his now classic stunts and left you hanging.

 

The real issue now is are you willing to wait for him to get his act together?

 

Don't be so nice to the point you forget about yourself .

[kate111]

You have had men display interest in you but you seem to have trouble keeping them.

 

I wouldn't normally advise this but I suggest you read "the Rules" and "Stop Getting Dumped" two books about dating. I say this because you are obviously doing something wrong. Being too nice can be a problem if you make yourself too available, in the process sacrificing your own needs.

 

You WILL forget about your ex. It just takes time.

 

Get out there and start exercising 3 times a week (yes really), redicover the things you like doing, take a holiday or buy some new clothes. Indulge and spoil yourself, cos you deserve it.