Reflections after 9 years - Hope this helps you

[goodheartlady]

In my early 20's, I had an very intense relationship with someone whom I believed was "the one". When the relationship ended, I honestly spent several years in mourning. I really, really believe that I had lost out on the love of a life time, and my soul mate. I would like to provide my perspectives 9 years after the break up to help you think about your own situations.

 

1/The person you think you love no longer exists, and maybe he/she never existed: After a break up, we idealize the person that have rejected us. There is an obsessive remembrance of the good times, and idealization of what actually happened. Often, the person that you think is your "soul mate" is an projection of your aspirations for love: not a real person. You are projecting all these wonderful qualities to the person, and ignoring their flaws in your moments of distress and heart break. You may be in love with an illusion.

 

2/Great relationships don't end. If it ended, it wasn't that great: Self explanatory. If it was that great, you two would still be together.

 

3/Growing up and time change what you value in a person: In my early 20's, I was very attracted to status and success in a man. The older I get, the less that kinds of stuff matter. You think this person is perfect because of X, Y, or Z, but none of these things may matter to you when you are 10 to 20 years older.

 

4/Personal Story: So the guy who *was* the love of my life was super handsome, very successful, charismatic, and very exciting. I was so in love with the idea of a man he represented. I recently (no contact for 8 years) re-connected with him. And I realize he is/was not the person I remember in my head: he struck me as materialistic and narcissistic. At age 23-24, I didn't notice those things. He is still a bachelor at the ripe age of 44, after dating like 100 women after me (no exaggeration).

 

Now here is kicker: he told me that at the ripe age of 44 (!!), he is involved in some kind of petty drama with his girl friend. She apparently found him on Bumble recently, which he was still using despite being in a monogamous relationship with him. Listening to his drama actually gave me a headache - good god.

 

I hope all these things help you! Take a deep breath.

[Wiseman2]

How old were you when you first started dating him?

In my early 20's. I recently (no contact for 8 years) re-connected with him. At age 23-24, I didn't notice those things

[goodheartlady]

Hi, I was 22. As you can do the math, i was dating someone a lot older. There were a lot of things wrong with the relationship - and at the time, I didn't see any of it.

[devinefaith]

Great story really help ful.

[rich46]

He is still a bachelor at the ripe age of 44

And what exactly is wrong with that?

 

1/The person you think you love no longer exists, and maybe he/she never existed: After a break up, we idealize the person that have rejected us. There is an obsessive remembrance of the good times, and idealization of what actually happened. Often, the person that you think is your "soul mate" is an projection of your aspirations for love: not a real person. You are projecting all these wonderful qualities to the person, and ignoring their flaws in your moments of distress and heart break. You may be in love with an illusion.

Nicely put, and unfortunately true.

[nihongo]

Now here is kicker: he told me that at the ripe age of 44 (!!), he is involved in some kind of petty drama with his girl friend.

 

Thank you for sharing this. Well-written! I'm glad you've had this revelation and hopefully this will help some of us out there.

 

It's funny though about people's perspective on age. When I was 34, I was dating a girl who was 24. She thought I was so old. Even though I told her I didn't like it, she kept making jokes about my age. It even started fights. She kept wondering why I hadn't gotten married and why I had no kids. Fast forward 10 years, and even though she's good looking and has a lot of good qualities, she's now the one who's 34 and still single. Your ex doesn't seem to be the most mature, but it's not easy out there.