We were perfect for each other. How can I get him back?

[dustinthewind]

Hey there everyone. I hope that someone can help me. I'm new on this thing. I am so heartbroken right now. It hurts for me to breath. For six months I was with the most amazing guy. We were perfect for each other. Like a puzzle that just fit. had all the same interests, values, etc. I care about him so much. But the last 3 weeks we had been bickering about stupid things, like plans for the evening, or if we should cuddle or watch tv. it sounds soo stupid and it was. The things we aregued about were not worth arguing. I could tell that he was unhappy with these fights and they frusterated him. I was upset too, and cried a bit. But I still loved him and we still had so much fun together. Two niights ago I made a plan to give him a nice evening so that we could start fresh. I made him a huge dinner, and desert and gave him flowers and took him to a play. It was great. But then we had this stupid tiff about nothing and it ended up into this huge talk...and he eventually admitted that he was unhappy, sick of trying, and wanted to end it. It killed me. I don't know what to do now. I begged him not to do this, that he was making a mistake. that we are right for each other. But he was like a stone. He said he still likes me, but is unhapy. I tried to tell him that when things get like this that you are supposed to try to fix them, you just don't throw in the towel. But it was no use. I was willing to work on things, to get to the root of the problem. I think we both would have to change a little and that would make all of the difference.... He means everything to me. I cant eat. I cant sleep. It seems all I do is cry and think about how I wish that we never had that talk. That conversation....I want him back. I truly think that we belong together and I am so sad without him by my side. I know that you can't force someone to be with you. and that you probably dont want to be with someone if they dont want to be with you. I just....i dunno. im sick to my stomache about what has happened. And I want him back. I want to hold him, and kiss him, and be by his side more than anything in the world. Please. if anyone can help, or give me advice on how to get him back or how to deal....I would be so thankful.

[djedix]

link removed

 

here's a start.. and welcome to enotalone

[DN]

I have sent you a pm, but what were small things to you were obviously big things to him. If you do get to talk to him it is important that you don't dismiss or invalidate anything he says. You should listen carefully to his concerns and make sure that you understand them. Find solutions to issues by negotiation and compromise.

 

You say you were perfect fo each other - but he does not think so. If you get a chance, you need to find out what would be perfect for him, let him tell you - don't assume you know.

[hockeyboy]

ironicaly you'll be best off no matter what if you dont try

[babybees]

dustinthewind,

 

i can imagine how you feel..

i feel my relationship with my boyfriend sometimes is similar to you. We've been together for 8 months now. And we feel so much right to each other too. But like you guys did, sometimes for no reasons we somehow like to create our new own drama. Stupid conversations some time came out and end up with fight. And sometimes big fights too. We were in the situation that each of us feeling want to quit too. We felt like giving up.

When this situation happened, you guys need a space. a few days is good. try to clear up your head and what you have to do is write him a letter. Tell him why you want him, why he is important to you and what and how can you make your relationship better. You should write the letter when your emotion is still burning. Like right now, when you feel like heart broken..that is the best time for you to describe whatever feeling you have for him.

 

When i was upset, I was like your boyfriend, i could be so quiet like a stone. You don't want to keep talking to him when he acted this way because it will make him more upset with you. Instead leave him alone. let him think and have a clear head.

 

Tell him that you want to talk with him after you give him your letter. It may need a few days for him to be able to sit and have a long talk with you.

 

That what happened to us awhile ago. The biggest fight we had that similar to yours.

 

We read these 2 books for relationship. They have a very good advice.

1) Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships, by John Gray

 

2) How to make love all the time, by Barbara DeAngelis,Ph.D

 

Hope this helps.

 

Babybees

[dustinthewind]

THanks so much for all of your posts. It is so amazng that there are complete strangers out there willing to lend you a hand and listen to your troubles. I have been given good advice on what to say to him if he gives me the chance. I am just wondering if theres anything I can do that will make him come back and talk to me. FOr me to say the things I want to say...try to work them out...Or should I just wait, sit back and hope that he misses me...cause I know he will. and then see if he contacts me. The waiting is that hard part. I want to get back with him. But I don't want him to feel forced to do anything that he doesn;t want to do.When we broke up I begged and cried and asked him not to do this. TO try to work things out. but he said that he is sick of trying and that he is unhappy. I want to give it another chance. Should I send him a message that lets him know that? Or should I just leave him be and let him see if he misses me. Give him time to think. And if he comes back and wants to talk..then bring it up then. thanks guys. this site is amazing.

[RayKay]

Your situation reminds me of one I was in a long time ago now.

 

I would advise against doing anything to try and "convince him" to work things out - it will come accross as begging, like you did when you broke up. He knows how you feel. Give him time, but don't WAIT...move on iwht your life.

 

Anyway, my past situation for reference, at about 6 months along a past boyfriend decided he thought he needed a break. I was crushed as we had had an amazing time (and had not fought at all) but he was not totally happy and not sure why, just he wanted to be single. I cried and was devastated, I begged for another chance too. A few days later he was back with me..."he did not want a gf, but he wanted me". Thing is it was never the same after, I always felt insecure about him leaving or really wanting me, I knew he did not think of me as the One anymore. I lost part of who I was trying to be that "one" I thought he wanted...rather than just being who I truly was. He kind of resented me, and I kind of resented him, and we fought more. I was almost emotionally crushed. I knew, and he even told me, there was a point in time he might need to leave. That felt bad, even though I ignored it most of time, I felt the pain of that.

 

Less than a year later he broke up with me - at time it seemed out of the blue, but really I always knew it would happen. I wanted him back, and tried, but eventually realized I had to let go. And since then it is wonderful - we never got back together but are good friends, I have found someone absolutely perfect - we are each OTHERS "one's", now live together, and we share the same goals and wants for our future together. I never would of found that if I had not let go.

 

I am glad for that extra year I did get after the first "break" because we got closer in a lot of ways, learned a lot from one another and are good friends and talk often. Things I would of missed out on otherwise...but all I am saying is be careful, he may come back out of guilt and it will be hurting both of you in the end, or you may prevent yourself from moving on.

 

Let him go, at least for now, and heal yourself first. Nothing we do can MAKE someone come back, they have to WANT to come back. Accept right now he does not, and if in the end he does bonus - but likely by then you won't want him back! (Always seems to work that way!)

 

Good luck

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

Welcome here

 

I think small petty fights are usually symptomatic of an underlying issue that remains unresolved.

 

I agree with Ray here, pressuring into anything will probably have the opposite effect and drive him even further away. I know how it feels, you feel so sad, hopeless and frustrated now. Just keep on writing, and read the forums here.

 

Life always has its surprises. Letting go of things and taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for now.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[PAdreamer]

Hun... I am sorry you feel so down. But you have to think of this from an objective point of view: if you were so perfect for each other, why did you split up? Try to view it without using your feelings... Just use your brain and think. In a way, turn off your heart for a bit and seriously think about the relationship. What made you so "perfect for each other", and why did it end? Was it really just the surface bickering? Or were there other things beneath the surface?

 

There are a lot of things to think about, and as much as the truth can hurt, it can also help you move on much faster.

 

Good luck!

[a.d.c.]

ironicaly you'll be best off no matter what if you dont try

 

That's real talk right there.

Only the relationship veterans can

totally understand the meaning of that.

To the rest it doesn't make much sense.

 

And you can't say something like that

unless you've experienced it and

know what it's like.

 

Anyways I feel you on that hockeyboy.

[zpivat]

Hi dustinthewind,

 

You're trully a sweet and thoughtful girl. How nice of you to make him dinner and give flowers! *hugs*

 

babybees is right: it's better to leave him alone, for he might feel annoyed when chased too much.

When one is rejected and one stays composed and patient, it shows his/her strength, and it can certainly make the rejector rethink of what he/she has done.

 

When facing rejection, the trick is to "go with the wind". Instead of imposing on his mind what you believe is true, just go with the flow and accept things as they are. It's just a psychological game. It's not your fault to think that he's the one for you, because I am sure what you feel for him is for real. However, he might not feel that way, so instead of going against him, which might backfire, just stay strong for now.

Imagine coconut trees, which, instead of trying to block or even go against the way of the wind, they just bend where the wind blows, and that's why we never see any coconut trees falling down.

 

I, too, was depressed (for almost 1 year! because she left me with no strong reasons. So you're not alone. Well finally I gave up because no matter how much I tried, it did not work.

Don't give up yet!!!