Fallen for older man

[Mistymo]

I am a 36 year old single mom of one. I met a man who is 11 years older just over a month ago throught a singles internet dating service. He also has two kids that he is rasing on his own. I think that is wonderful of him to do so. He he lives in a town where I am planing to move but it is 10 hrs away. I am not moving tell my child finishes school. He has come to see me and we hit it off. Now we have fallen in love and he wants us to move in with them before July. I feel that its right in my heart and so does he. He has been out of a marrage that went bad for about 10 months(she cheated on him) and I was assaulted just 2 months ago by a man who i thought loved me. So I do not know what to do, it is hard to wait tell July. I do not whant to rush this relationship but on the other hand I do not want to waist another minute without him. He is the most thoughtful caring man I have ever met.

[avman]

I know you don't want to wait, but I'd highly suggest it. You've only known him a month, and you've just been through a trauma recently. I think waiting until July is a great idea. This gives you some time to learn more about each other before moving in together.

 

You've said he's the most thoughtful caring man you've ever met. Thats fabulous and I'm very happy for you! But don't forget, you are still in the very early stages of this relationship. Everything is always wonderful during this period. It will take time for the true picture of this person to emerge. I would hazard a guess that the man who assaulted you was probably a wonderful guy during the first month you met him. But as you saw, later on he revealed his true colors.

 

Give it time. Take it easy with this guy. July will come sooner than you think and by then you'll have more information to make the best decision possible. Until then, enjoy the butterflies and mushy stuff!

[Mistymo]

Thank you for helping me

I thought it through and told him that we should hold off moving tell my son is done school. He was very understending about it. Reasons why: he wants to get a better job to suport us and a bigger home for us to live in so by July he will be ready for us.

I said that I love him for the first time today. He is the greatest guy and I do not care about the age difference. I do on the other hand have not talked about having any more children. He has 3 and I have the one. I would like to have one more but I do not know how to bring that up also he has been married 2 times and I have never been married. How and when should I bring that up. I am so happy but the distance and the not knowing is going to drive me crazy.

Need advice PLEASE

[avman]

Those are all great things to discuss with him. Once again, take it slow and easy. I'm a bit confused because in your first post you said he has 2 kids but in the latest one you said he has 3. Or maybe I've just misunderstood...

 

During one of your conversations with him just start talking about all of your kids. Then slip in a little "you know someday i might like to have one more" and just see what his reaction is. That will probably generate the conversation you want to have.

 

Regarding the marriages, I'm not sure what your concerns are but just talk to him about it. If he's a good man he will understand and answer any questions or concerns you will have.

[Mistymo]

Sorry

Yes he has 3 kids but only 2 live with him the other one is 17 and lives in another town.

Your right he will be easy to talk to about marriage and having a child but then I have to remember that this is a new relationship.

[Luciana]

You just pissed off many women in their 40's

Why? Because a 47 year old man is ideal for all those 40 something women who are looking for a man, while the 38 year old man who would be perfect for you is too young for them. It is so unfair.

 

Anyhow, you are getting yourself into a complicated life. I am not saying it won't work, it may well. I am just saying that these things can happen:

 

1) As a man approaching 50, he will not have the same sexual energy as a man your age. You will see that. Meanwhile, the 40's is when a woman most wants and enjoys sex.

 

2) He will have less enerygy to do things that you may enjoy. He is from another generation. There will be less things in common (music, references, etc).

 

3) Over the years and when the inital seduction phase is over, you may look at him and see an old man, and start checking out younger men.

 

4) HIs 3 children: complications there too. Exes, children; a lot of difficulties there.

 

Anyhow, I wish you good luck. I am a cynic when it comes to "love conquers all", because I know we are humans and we have limitations, but who knows...you may take this on and succeed.

[Starec]

Luciana's points are gross stereotypes, and they may or may not apply to your partner.

 

It is not a sure thing that the guy will have less energy for doing things you enjoy. People who take care of themselves don't konk out that early. I have a lot of friends younger than me, and I can lose patience with their lack of endurance in many things.

 

Don't even worry about the problem of coming from different eras, liking different music, having different references, etc. That may or may not be real. Many people of various ages don't get stuck in the culture of any particular era, and this stuff is not an issue. Besides this, many people have successful marriages to foreigners, and in those cases the music and references can be COMPLETELY different, but the relationship is still good. It's not a big deal unless you make it into one.

 

Luciana's posts seem to assume that marriage is 90% about sex and that sexual issues will drive absolutely anyone to abandon their morals and commitment and cheat on their spouse. This is hogwash, and if you are not an immoral, disloyal person, you should ignore it.

 

A couple issues you should think about though are these:

 

1. A lot of things that are new to you will not be new to him, and he may or may not enjoy them, just because he has already been there and done that. That's not a relationship wrecker, but be aware of it and patient with it.

2. He may have to exercise a great deal of patience and forbearance, because he has more experience in life. One common situation is for the older partner to see the younger one make some mistake or other and have to just watch it happen, so as not to appear domineering, and because the younger partner won't believe it's a mistake until she goes through it.

 

The advice of the other people, about not getting too wrapped up in it for a while is good. You need to know someone for some time before you know if they're any good or not. In just a few months, it's hard to tell if a guy is a good person, or just a psycho who knows how to push your buttons. Give it a while.

[Mistymo]

Well thank you to both above replies. We are now engaged as of Aug 2005 and will be getting maried in Aug 2006. He has lots of energy and we have many things in common such as music, computer stuff, movies, the great outdoors, we are both very romantic and even sex is not a problem. The biggest challenge I find is our combined families (his 2 kids and my 1. I am hopping that will get better with time.

[lovecrazy]

All I can say is good luck! So does your son like his soon to be step father? Your soon to be step kids, do you get along wtih them? Visa Versa?

 

And again Good Luck!

[DN]

Congratulations, I hope all goes well for you.

 

My daughter had two kids and married a man who has two. There are difficulties, and more may come up, but with negotiation and compromise things will work out. The most important thing is that you and your husband always present a united front to all the kids and keep any disagreements between the two of you.

[Mistymo]

Well as for how I get along with his kids- they are in the teens and they are good kids but they (or should I say I thingk they) think I am picking on them when I ask them to do something, or not to pick on my younger son who is 9. The 14 year old girl get jelous because I make my son's lunch and not hers. Those twoe tend not to get along much - she is a different girl. The othere teen, whe is a boy is a really great kid. My other half is kinda stern with my son. I had been raising him on my own for the most part of his life but is involved with his dadjust about every weekend. The othere two - their mother lives far away so they do not visit much. It is a chalenge for the both of us. Some days I want to pull my hair out. It will take time and patients. It is different for all of us.

[DN]

Yes, all that stuff is normal so don't think you are alone. Blending families is tough and all sorts of sibling rivalries and jealousies will manifest themselves in various ways. Sometimes it really is just about the lunch (or whatever) but sometimes that is just an outlet for something deeper.

 

Don't tear your hair out now - wait until they are all teenagers!!

[Mistymo]

Well it is summer and no kids. We have moved to another town to a better job. We have ups and downs with the two of us as well as the kids. We were going to get married this summer but are holding it off tell - maybe Christmas or next summer, not sure yet. We tent to argue a lot about my chile. Maybe I am overpertective and but I put up with his 2. They are at their mom's and do not know for sure if they want to come back to live here. They never phone their dad to say hi how are you - only when they want something (money) This makes my man sad. I seem to be picky and argumentive a lot more. I do not know how to fix it. Some days I want out of the relationship. He want to have a baby - I am not sure that I do any more. I misscarried a month ago - didn't like that to much, and I am not sure I want to get married if I am having douts. I do not want to let my child down again as well as my family. I am very lost and confused. HELP!

[DN]

What sort of things do you argue about regarding your child?