How to get him back when I screwed up and he dumped me

[ThatwasThen]

Um... ouch.

 

By the way, those girls didn't run away from him. He chose not to be with them. He chose me instead.

 

I guess he realized that they would be causing too many waves for him when he ended things whereas he felt you weren't the type to cause him too much trouble???/

[vitacoco]

Maybe I should rephrase the question: He dumped me due to many problems, however serious they may have been. Would me reaching out ruin any chances of reconciliation? Or help?

 

I guess he realized that they would be causing too many waves for him when he ended things whereas he felt you weren't the type to cause him too much trouble???/

[ThatwasThen]

Maybe I should rephrase the question: He dumped me due to many problems, however serious they may have been. Would me reaching out ruin any chances of reconciliation? Or help?

 

There is NO chance of reconciliation whether you reach out (yet again) or not so you do what you want to because it wont make a difference either way. His family will arrange a marriage for him and he was an A-hole to get with you knowing that.

 

Sadly you didn't realize that when a man (more so then a woman of that culture) is of a culture and religion where they don't marry outside of their race that they are not going to be with you for anything other then the time being. Its just the way it (currently) is. I suspect in time and with more westernization, the trend will change.

[vitacoco]

There is NO chance of reconciliation whether you reach out (yet again) or not so you do what you want to because it wont make a difference either way. His family will arrange a marriage for him and he was an A-hole to get with you knowing that.

 

Sadly you didn't realize that when a man (more so then a woman of that culture) is of a culture and religion where they don't marry outside of their race that they are not going to be with you for anything other then the time being. Its just the way it (currently) is. I suspect in time and with more westernization, the trend will change.

 

I agree-- he is an A-hole for getting involved with me. One of the last times we spoke, he said that he was afraid to see me because it'd be easy to get back together then break up again, and if we ever get back together it shouldn't be rushed and it would have to be with a clear path forward (marriage). I hope he was sincere.

 

I'm actually from a similar culture/same religion but my family is totally Westernized and isn't religious at all.

[ThatwasThen]

I'm actually from a similar culture/same religion but my family is totally Westernized and isn't religious at all.

Well, that solidifies my point about it being less so for women then men.

 

I'm surprised you even went out with him knowing that the custom was to marry someone arranged by his parents or risk being disowned. I don't know of too many that are willing to do that for love and that's why they hook up and go in considering it temporary. You have that strike plus the strike of being long distance and the third strike of his parents not approving of you.

 

I'm sorry.

 

In time and with zero contact you'll get over him and you'll go on to find a man where there are no strikes. It's rare enough these days for a couple to last a life time together without all the outside strikes going on.

[vitacoco]

Well, that solidifies my point about it being less so for women then men.

 

I'm surprised you even went out with him knowing that the custom was to marry someone arranged by his parents or risk being disowned. I don't know of too many that are willing to do that for love and that's why they hook up and go in considering it temporary. You have that strike plus the strike of being long distance and the third strike of his parents not approving of you.

 

I'm sorry.

 

In time and with zero contact you'll get over him and you'll go on to find a man where there are no strikes. It's rare enough these days for a couple to last a life time together without all the outside strikes going on.

 

Problem is I was already attached when the full extent of their conservativeness began to come out. He assured me several times that he wouldn't date anyone he couldn't see a future with, and I told him several times also that I wouldn't date someone that wouldn't marry me for that reason. He assured me, then I guess he changed his mind.

[ThatwasThen]

Problem is I was already attached when the full extent of their conservativeness began to come out. He assured me several times that he wouldn't date anyone he couldn't see a future with, and I told him several times also that I wouldn't date someone that wouldn't marry me for that reason. He assured me, then I guess he changed his mind.

 

I don't think he changed his mind but rather he just told you what he knew you wanted to hear.

 

Anyway, you've learned a lesson about men in your own culture that most that are not in it realize. In time you will get over him and you will be that much more happy with someone who lives near enough to see you often and who will introduce you to his parents and they will love and accept you.

 

Whatever you do, don't let this man back in your life for more of the same should he come back after all this. Not unless you get a skype from his mother inviting you into the family. Even then I'd be wary and would be wondering how she would treat me if she only acquiesced to accept you because her son wanted her to.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

[greta96]

I somehow missed the part where his family wants him to marry a bride of their choosing. I am really surprised that being from the same culture you were not aware of how these things work, it is a well known fact that a lot of guys from that culture will date and sleep around with women from less traditional cultures/backgrounds, but when it comes to marriage, they will let their families pick out wives for them. This is why if you don't want to be a 'miss right now', you steer clear of those cultures, because the chances of you winning the battle are extremely slim. And even if you do win it, you have to live for the rest of your life with their disapproval and seriously, why would anyone sign up for that?

 

He isn't coming back no matter what you do. He used a non-issue to dump you, because he took the cowardly way out. Instead of being honest and telling you he wasn't going to go against his family's wishes (which would have also meant him admitting he lied to you all along), he chose to blame the breakup on you and make you out to be the bad guy. Of course he told you all those things, had he told you that you were going to be only a temporary excitement, would you have dated him?

 

Be happy he didn't waste even more of your time!

[vitacoco]

I somehow missed the part where his family wants him to marry a bride of their choosing. I am really surprised that being from the same culture you were not aware of how these things work, it is a well known fact that a lot of guys from that culture will date and sleep around with women from less traditional cultures/backgrounds, but when it comes to marriage, they will let their families pick out wives for them. This is why if you don't want to be a 'miss right now', you steer clear of those cultures, because the chances of you winning the battle are extremely slim. And even if you do win it, you have to live for the rest of your life with their disapproval and seriously, why would anyone sign up for that?

 

He isn't coming back no matter what you do. He used a non-issue to dump you, because he took the cowardly way out. Instead of being honest and telling you he wasn't going to go against his family's wishes (which would have also meant him admitting he lied to you all along), he chose to blame the breakup on you and make you out to be the bad guy. Of course he told you all those things, had he told you that you were going to be only a temporary excitement, would you have dated him?

 

Be happy he didn't waste even more of your time!

 

His family is actually on the extreme side of conservative for their culture. They are really an exception. So no, I wasn't really expecting it because I know tons of people from that background who date and marry normally.

 

I do think that the family is the #1 main issue for the breakup. He won't admit it because I think he's embarrassed about how much they run his life. It was hard for him to even come and visit me because of his parents. And when I visited, he couldn't spend the night with me because of them. He was too embarrassed to admit this all.

 

I know that the healthy thing is to forget about him. But a small part of me hopes that he will meet some girls/potential brides, realize I'm better, and come back...

 

His parents never met me. Maybe they'd be kinder if they did.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, they ran his life and that was a huge part of all this. The fact that they never met you already shows the closed-minded preconditions they have. He had to keep you in the back alley.

 

You may feel you met the man of your dreams but he would come with this family as a package deal...to get over him picture that nightmare. they would continue to run his life...and yours.

He won't admit it because I think he's embarrassed about how much they run his life. His parents never met me.

[vitacoco]

Agree, they ran his life and that was a huge part of all this. The fact that they never met you already shows the closed-minded preconditions they have. He had to keep you in the back alley.

 

You may feel you met the man of your dreams but he would come with this family as a package deal...to get over him picture that nightmare. they would continue to run his life...and yours.

 

It's true, his family doesn't sound like people I'd want in my life. But I'm suffering with this huge void of not having him in my life now. It's so hard for me not to contact him. And I'm shocked he hasn't contacted me this whole time.

 

I actually just got back from a work trip to the country his family is from and he didn't even contact me to ask about that (he knew I was going from before).

[greta96]

But a small part of me hopes that he will meet some girls/potential brides, realize I'm better, and come back...

 

His parents never met me. Maybe they'd be kinder if they did.

 

That's the problem, even if he does realize you're better than the women chosen by his family, it won't matter because in the end he will still try to please his family so he will obey to their wishes, whatever those are. Maybe he already knows you are the best, but it doesn't make much difference because he clearly chose his family over you.

It's sad and I can't even begin to imagine how much it hurts you, but this is the harsh reality.

Believe me, even if he was to stand up to them and choose you, your life wouldn't be all honey and roses. My friend is married to a guy from this traditional culture, and his family was completely against their marriage. They always treated her as something to be ashamed of, but eventually had to accept their son's choice. To this day, they treat her as "less", are rude to her, some of the family doesn't even speak to her, and yet she needs to go visit them often because...that's the tradition. It's really tough, and I don't even know how she does it because if it was me....yeah, I would not accept this kind of treatment.

So believe me, as painful as this is, you are much better off without him.

[vitacoco]

That's the problem, even if he does realize you're better than the women chosen by his family, it won't matter because in the end he will still try to please his family so he will obey to their wishes, whatever those are. Maybe he already knows you are the best, but it doesn't make much difference because he clearly chose his family over you.

It's sad and I can't even begin to imagine how much it hurts you, but this is the harsh reality.

Believe me, even if he was to stand up to them and choose you, your life wouldn't be all honey and roses. My friend is married to a guy from this traditional culture, and his family was completely against their marriage. They always treated her as something to be ashamed of, but eventually had to accept their son's choice. To this day, they treat her as "less", are rude to her, some of the family doesn't even speak to her, and yet she needs to go visit them often because...that's the tradition. It's really tough, and I don't even know how she does it because if it was me....yeah, I would not accept this kind of treatment.

So believe me, as painful as this is, you are much better off without him.

 

I see your point. And he really tried with me... he told his mom he loved me, and he tried to get his sister to meet me but she refused!Strange when you fall in love with someone with a totally incompatible background like this. How? Why?