Confused - unsure if I should break up with him or not

[abbie2790]

My current boyfriend and I met about 9 months ago and we get along most times. However, sometimes I feel that I am not that important to him. I know guys and girls think differently and that he may have grown up in a different environment than I have but I don't know if we're too different to have a future together.

 

My boyfriend is quite chatty but a lot of his conversations tend to loop back to himself. I like to ask him questions about what he did, how he's feeling, what he likes but he never asks questions about me. We had talked about this and he said he never felt the need to because his friends will usually just talk about themselves unprompted. For me, asking questions is a sign of interest and a way of showing someone you're interested but I get it, he has never had to do this with anyone.

 

Whenever I see something that boyfriend says he likes, I want to get it for him. Whenever we go out for dinner, I'd like to treat him once in a while and wish he'd do the same for me but he just assumes we'll split the check down the middle and never does small surprises or gifts.

Whenever I'm over his house, I like to make the bed and help clean up a little. After dinner, I'll offer to do the dishes. When he comes over my house, he sits on the couch and looks at his ipad while I do the dishes.

On weekends, we rotate between his apartment and mine to spend time together. I like to stock the fridge and get my chores done before my boyfriend comes over so that we can maximize our time together, but every time I visit, my boyfriend makes his grocery list, takes me to the grocery store with him to get his groceries, does his laundry and sometimes even does a full house cleaning.

 

We've talked about these things and my boyfriend said he didn't think it was a big deal and that if I wanted to do the chores while he was over, he wouldn't mind. He's quite open to listening to my concerns and very receptive to what I say, so I've just come to accept that this is how he is. Now there have been two incidences where I've really become a bit disappointed with my boyfriend.

 

Four months into dating, it was my birthday and my boyfriend began telling me a week before my birthday weekend about how much fun we will have together. I was excited to spend time with him and with all the hype, thought that he had something special planned. On Friday around 8pm, my boyfriend called me and told me that he couldn't spend the day with me because he was exhausted from work and would just like to sleep. I knew he had been stressed out at work so I understood and said we could spend Saturday together. He promised to call Saturday morning and I waited the next day for his call. He called me around 3pm and said that I could come over. I was disappointed because I was hoping to have brunch with him but I was still excited to see him so I told him I'd arrive by 4pm. When I called him at his apartment lobby, he didn't pick up his phone or answer his text until 20 minutes later and said he was sorry and that he didn't see the missed call and text. Any other day this would have been fine but I was annoyed because this was supposed to be a special day for us. I still tried to be optimistic thinking maybe he had been planning something and that was why he couldn't get to the phone. I went up to his room to be greeted by my boyfriend, dressed in a stained t-shirt and sweatpants. His hair was messy and I could tell he hadn't showered in a while. There was no gift, card or flowers. I asked him what time dinner was since he said he'd make reservations, and he replied 9:30pm. For me, dinner is usually around 6pm but I never told him that I wanted to eat early so fine. I asked him what he had planned for us to do until then and he said he would turn on the TV for me while he gets ready for dinner. He asked me what time I was planning to see my parents the next day and I thought "how nice, he wants to know what time we should leave the apartment." When I told him the time, he cheerily said "Okay! I'm going to a superbowl party tomorrow so it's a good thing the timing doesn't overlap." He also wanted to drink so we decided to call an Uber. He looked hesitant to call the Uber so out of courtesy, I asked if he'd like me to pay for the ride. He looked at the price of the ride and said that sounded good to him. Dinner went well, we had a good time together and I called an Uber back. The next day, he woke up 2 hours before I had to leave and only offered to drive me to the train station after I prompted him. I was disappointed with the weekend and told him about how I felt a few days later. He said he understood and he saw how I could feel like the weekend was haphazardly put together. He then said he would make it up to me on Valentine's day which was a week later. We came up with a plan to cook together after finding a recipe we thought would be fun to try. I brought him a bottle of whiskey since he mentioned he liked it so much, but again there was no gift, card or flowers that weekend. He offered his kitchen and I thought that he would buy the ingredients beforehand and make it easier for us to cook, but he didn't prepare anything and we ended up making 3 trips to the grocery store that day. By the time we finished cooking, it was 11:30pm and we were both too tired to even eat.

 

A few weeks ago, I got all four wisdom teeth pulled. My boyfriend has been out of work for 2 months and he doesn't have any daytime obligations so I asked my boyfriend if he could pick me up from the surgery a week beforehand. In addition, I chose a dental surgeon who worked 5 minutes from his apartment to make it easier on my boyfriend to pick me up. He said that that day was the day his car would be ready for pick-up (his car was damaged in an accident and he had been using a loaner car for a few weeks). He wanted to know what time I would be out of surgery so that he could figure out what time he should pick up his car. I couldn't understand why he couldn't just wait til the day after my surgery to pick up the car or why he couldn't just go out in the afternoon after my surgery to get it, but I asked the dental receptionist and she predicted about 2 hours. He then found out that his car wouldn't be ready for another 2 weeks so then he offered to drive me to the dentist since his morning plans had been cancelled. This was a nice gesture but it would have felt nicer if he had offered from the start instead of waiting to hear back from the auto shop. So the day before my surgery, my boyfriend found out that there was a special edition action figure coming out at his local store. The store opens at 10am so he said he planned to drop me off at 9am for surgery, buy the figurine and come back to get me after I was done. This sounded fine to me and when I got out of surgery, I realized it was only 9:20am. I texted my boyfriend at 9:40 and told him I was done and asked if he could come get me. My boyfriend responded that he was already in line outside the store, the store opens at 10am and the traffic back to the dental office from the store was terrible. Perhaps I could go to his apartment and he would call the front desk to let me in. I told him the dentist won't let me leave unless I have someone to escort me. He then said he was really really sorry, he would drive at the speed of light as soon as he buys what he needs from the store. I told him okay, I would wait. He arrived to the office 2 hours later to pick me up. All the while the dentists and hygienists kept walking by my room asking me where my boyfriend was, why he was late and asking what kind of boyfriend he was, fueling my anger. He could tell I was upset, said he was sorry and that he would make it up to me when we got home by taking care of me. When I got back, he asked what I could eat. Why he couldn't just look up "foods to eat after wisdom teeth extraction," I have no idea. A few days later, I expressed how I felt and he said he was really sorry and that he understood why I was mad. He said wisdom teeth extractions are routine procedures so he didn't think it was such a big deal. He also said the situation was out of his control because he couldn't control the traffic. When I pointed out that he did have a choice to forgo the action figure and come pick me up, he told me had I told him to do that, he would have and that next time if a situation like this arises, he would do that.

 

My boyfriend is not malicious or mean at all. He's just clueless and I don't know what to do. He told me he's sorry and that he understands how I feel but I don't know if that will translate. I feel like we just think differently and I wonder if I'm just setting myself up to be disappointed. I can't predict situations that will arise and how we will react to them, so it's hard for me to be specific and tell him exactly what I want before these things happen.

[BlarneyStone]

How old are you guys?

 

He just sounds oblivious to relationship etiquette. I've been there before. If you dump him, he'll learn his lesson. Or he won't. It's ultimately up to him.

[Wiseman2]

He's not clueless, he's selfish and just not that into you. If someone where into you they would not act like you're an afterthought.

 

On that note stop mommying and overcompensating and 'understanding' that he would rather be a lazy child than a bf.

He's just clueless and I don't know what to do. I feel like we just think differently and I wonder if I'm just setting myself up to be disappointed

[shellyf62]

Sorry, but the no card, no present, no flowers, no preparation after being told how much fun I was going to have on my birthday would have been enough for me.

Call me shallow, but you can buy a card for $1 & a box of chocolates for $5...it isnt rocket science.

I like to spoil my bf on his special day & would want someone to do that for me too.

[thelegend2014]

Dumb him. He'll realize what he had lost when you are gone. Get a man that will treat you like the princess you are. I hope it works out. Be happy.

[abbie2790]

BlarneyStone: We are both 25. It's a bit of a stressful time because we're both studying for exams. Then a lot of things started happening at once - he started having problems with his boss and after getting fired from his job, he now has to job search while he studies. I don't know if this changes anything but his personality in general has been the same since I first met him. Well-meaning but in the end, oblivious.

 

Thank you all for the responses. I think it's becoming clear to me that I'm not sure if I am willing to see if he is right for me.

[BlarneyStone]

Yes, dudes can take it pretty hard if they're laid off. It's a devastating thing. The only real concern I saw in your original post was how he treated your birthday. While I'm sure he's down in the dumps, he could've not subliminally made it so much about him since it was your day to celebrate. The dentist... I mean you both figured it to be a two hour surgery. He had a plan in motion to do something while he waited for you; if anything it's the dentist's fault for wildly miscalculating the time it would take (two hours vs twenty minutes, how'd they screw that up?). So I see no fault with that really. But yes, he is making it about him, coming off as mopey and maybe even depressed because of his life situations. You can either choose to try and lift him up and make him feel better (you probably already do) or you can leave him. He's not a bad guy, like you said. Just having a bit of a rough patch. Maybe give him a break and spend less time with him, and do things on your own for a bit until he's better.

 

Dumb him. He'll realize what he had lost when you are gone. Get a man that will treat you like the princess you are. I hope it works out. Be happy.

 

Give the dude a break. He's lost a lot and he's stressed out. Maybe it's not the best time for a relationship, but at least he's giving some effort. Giving advice like this is part of the problem. Get a man that will treat you like the princess you are? What makes her a princess? Besides, since when do women like being put on a pedestal? If that's what you want, you're lying to yourself.

[cj78]

He's just not that into you. It's up to you how long you want to waste your time with him. He is showing you by his actions that he doesn't think you are that important.

[Wiseman2]

Agree...this does not change. The job stress may be superimposed on it but the baseline personality is what you describe.

his personality in general has been the same since I first met him. Well-meaning but in the end, oblivious.

[abbie2790]

Thank you all for your responses. I've been thinking a lot about this and feel that although he's a really nice guy, I don't think I'm doing any favors dragging this on any longer. Sorry this is two questions in one thread but when would be the best time for me to end this relationship?

 

He took his MCATs today and I initially wanted to tell him when we have dinner tonight since his studying period is now over. But I found out last night that he got an interview for a job on Wednesday which he's really nervous about. I don't want to ruin his interview so I thought I'd wait until Wednesday night. But he called me a few hours ago and told me his MCATs went really poorly and that he was planning to take the test one more time next month as a last ditch effort.

 

Last time we argued, he told me he couldn't eat, sleep or study for days because he was stressed. I don't want to ruin his last attempt to do well on the MCATs either, but I feel like waiting a month to end things is a bit much. By then I would probably try to give the relationship another chance which puts me back to the dilemma in my initial post. Any advice?

[fireflies]

Out of friendship, I'd wait til Wednesday night. If he doesn't do well on his MCATs that's his fault not yours.

 

I think you've given this relationship a good faith effort. You're done a great job communicating and demonstrating what you expect and need in a relationship. The problem is he doesn't see your needs as important. If he can't/won't give you what you need during the "Honeymoon" period of your relationship, when would he?