Older woman - Need some emotional support because questioning myself

[Hollyj]

I'm very glad I posted and got replies.

 

Yes, I'm part of my relationships that end, because I had a choice, too.

 

Yes, takes time to know someone and their true intentions, and what's actually going on in their life. I'm divorced, so know it takes time to process things, make all the changes in your life. But 13 years? That was a main reason why I chose him-I assumed he ready! Wow, was I mistaken. So odd to me...

 

And yes, the first time two I found out he'd helped the ex with personal stuff (one incident was she needed ride to airport to pick up son. A grown 56 woman can't get herself there in her own car, which she does have? Son 24! He would ALWAYS use "kids" as excuse. And that it "just makes sense to go in one car, pay parking one car." Ok, that's logical, but why wasn't I asked to come along?) ... I should have left him right then and there. God, I wish I'd been stronger! I was trying to be understanding. And I know nothing going on between them! But in time after listening and watching, it became clear he just cares too much what she thinks, he's too agreeable with her, she'll ask-he can't say No to her.

 

Yes, co-dependency all around. And admittedly, myself as well. I stayed in my 20-year marriage way too long. I maintained a relationship with a mentally ill, abusive, narcissist sister for too long. I had to cut her out of my life. So so traumatic, and has deeply affected me I'm sure. But I've become stronger due to that experience. Just need to get a bit stronger...Yes, back to therapy for me.

 

I am of the same mindset as the person who wrote about people not "changing" per se, but people should be growing and evolving. I want to, try to, and huge part of my life, an important goal for myself. I think also we must have that mindset for ourselves as well as our partner, so the relationship can grow!

 

That's all I was trying to explain to this man! It's time to move forward, make some adjustments in your life, because now we are together and making a life together! US, a WE, a united front. Yes, adult children also a priority, but I believe personal relationship trumps kids, once they out on their own. But everyone have diff opinion on that. Guess he did.

 

I guess him also being a bachelor for so many years, he stubborn and wanted things his way. Bc that's what works for him, comfortable, he's just fine and content. Well, sorry, you're in a partnership now - reality things change! What what he thinking it would be, look like? Same routine forever?! The ex around, yet leave me out of any communication regarding her, or have us casually meet? For me! So I'm cool with everything, so I feel safe. Show me, that me and my feelings a priority over hers. Was that so needy of me, or too much to ask?

 

Something so simple he could have done, and I'd been happy. Seen a real change, forward movement, him actually taking action. So irritating. But I get it. Just venting here...

 

You need to seriously address your role in this. Look at who YOU are choosing! You can't change him, but YOU can change your patterns!

 

You ignored a lot of red flags.

[Wiseman2]

That general lack of emotional/sexual connection between you is the real issue. His relationship with his kids and that they talk about their mother is not an issue.

something always lacking/passion, he not willing to go "above" cookie cutter sex, if you know what I mean, or please me in a certain way. (oral)