What's up with double standards?

[greenowl88]

My boyfriend and I are a happy couple, who have been living together for about 7 months. He is 26 and I am 25.

 

Him and I recently went out of town for a business conference of his, and at the same time, for me to visit my family. We were staying at his brother's place, whom at the time, was out of town, so we were staying there alone together.

 

I was gone all day with my family, and he was at the conference. Later that night, I got back to his brother's place before him. He called me and said that his business associates (which of whom were 2 married women, just a bit older that us, whom I have met), wanted to go out and drink. He invited me, but I was tired and didn't want to go. He said he'd only be gone for an hour or so. I was ok with that. I totally trust him. This was about 10pm.

 

At 2:30am he called. I didn't answer cuz I was sleeping and didn't get to the phone in time. Then at 3am he called again, and left a message saying everything was ok. At about 3:30am, I sent him a text message asking if he'd be coming home anytime soon. He called back and said he would be on his way. He finally showed up at 4am.

 

I was furious!! I got over it though, and it's not an issue now.

 

The thing is, some time later we were talking about it, and he told me that if I had been out with 2 married men until 4 in the morning, he would have been really upset!

 

My question is: What the hell is up with that???

 

Why do men get to do things like that and get away with it, but we can't??

[Iceman26]

Its only a double standard in your relationship because you let him get away with it, thats why. It has nothing to do him being a man and you being a woman.

 

Though its a dead issue with you and your boyfriend, I think that is pretty ridiculous of your boyfriend to say. Basically he is admitting that he knew what he was doing was wrong and he did it anyways.

[greenowl88]

Thanks for your advice! He definitely has a problem with putting himself in other people's shoes, which bothers me at times. I don't think he thought about it at the time, but later realised that if the situation had been reversed, he would have felt the same.

[Iceman26]

I know what you mean. Whenever I have a disagreement with someone, I always try to put myself in their shoes, and encourage them at times to put themselves in mine.

 

My girlfriend and I rarely argue, and if we do argue, we think about it from each other's perspective and I think that helps enormously in resolving whatever issue we are having.

[Day_Walker]

Well looking at it from a different perspective he did something that you didnt appreciate. Then he claims if you had done what he did only with two married guys that he wouldnt appreciate it. I dont see that as a double standard you both felt or would have felt the same thing. Now if he would have said that he wouldnt allow you to go then I believe that represents a double standard. Unless you are leaving something out of your original post I dont see it as a double standard, now if you were willing to not go because he wouldnt apprecitate it then that shows that you are more considerate than he is. At the time when he said that he was going out it didnt seem as if you showed any displeasure.

[sexygrl19]

I'm not trying to put anything into your head,but I would be worried like crazy whether or not he cheated on me.I mean,staying out until 4a.m. with two women?!Yes,they were both married but that seems to not matter these days.I mean,did that not go through your mind at all?Anyway,those were just my thoughts.And it seems like he didn't consider you at all.He said he was going to be back in an hour.Does this guy think that he can just walk all over you?Cause you did let him off pretty easy.That's definitely how I would've handled it.

[sexygrl19]

Sorry,I meant that's not how I would've handled it.

[CarterJonas]

Maybe he wanted you to make a bigger issue of it, get all jealous, to show him how much you love him? He might be thinking that it didn't phase you that much, especially when he would get insanely jealous if the roles were reversed.

 

In his own way it might show how much he cares?

[mataney]

he's just not as secure as you are. that's all it means.

[GATSBY]

And who said you can't??

[DN]

He wasn't out with JUST the two women. He was out with a mixed group--correct? That's a little different.

 

What would bother me more was not that he was out with a group that included two women, but that he said he'd be back in an hour and shows up 6 hours later. He's either immature, irresponsible or drinks too much.

 

And if he drinks too much, then I'd worry about him cheating.

 

But he did keep phoning to say he'd be late. That's not immature or irresponsible. And it was with business associates. Sorry, but this is going way over the top. Let's not extrapolate too wildly here over one incident to think he may be drinking too much and is thereforeeee cheating - that is a leap. Keep things in perspective.

 

Also, now that women are in the business world, they have as much right to be entertained as business people as men did and do - it does not mean they all want to jump the bones of any man they happen to be socialising with. Lets not be sexist here, even by implication.

 

He is an adult not an adolescent out past his curfew. If you are treating him like that then you need to reassess how you interact with each other. By the same token, he should not be mad if you did it. Treating as an adult cuts both ways.

 

And I agree with whoever said this is not a gender specific issue. In fact, he did not really get away with it because you made an issue of it.

[greenowl88]

Wow, thanks everyone for the info!!!

 

The fact is I DO trust him. I don't think it was a test, as one person said, because he actually accuses me of being too jealous.

 

It didn't bother me us much as it might have because I DID tell him to just go out and have a good time and to not worry about me, but I just didn't think he'd be out THAT late.

 

He is a very considerate person at times. He did call to check in with me, and it wasn't an issue about the women neccessarily, it was just the discussion we had later, and the fact that he told me he would have been mad if I had done the same.

 

I do believe that to be a double standard because he did something that was ok for him to do at the time, then later said that he would have not been happy if I had done it. I think a double standard is something that happens when someone can't or won't put themselves into someone elses shoes, so they think it's ok for them to do things, but not someone else.

 

Thanks everyone!! More info would be cool!!

[DN]

Sorry but he first called at 2:30 then at 3:00---that's way past the time he should have AND it when people would be sleeping so it's a little rude.

 

As far as the drinking, i didn't say drinking=cheating. I'm saying it makes it more likely to happen.

 

Again, I think that is an overreaction to one incident. The remainder of my post was not in answer to yours but general comments

 

 

It's called respecting the other person. Just because a person is an adult doesn't mean they can do whatever they what whenever they want without consideration of others.

 

[Plenty of business socialising can go on past that time. Not unusual. But the fact remains that he did call - later than you approve of but not by his standards. If he did not call at all I would be more inclined to agree.

 

I am still not convinced that respect for others can be determined either by a clock or by one person's opinion of what is appropriate. Most of these sorts of issues should be resolved by negotiation and compromise - not by one person arbitrarily setting rules for the other. But, having agreed what is mutually acceptable, the agreement should cut both ways.

[Cecelius]

His answer for why the double standard is okay, to be very honest, would be (if he verbalized it) that as a man out drinking, he only has to worry (more or less) about himself in what happens. Women have to worry about what other men may be up to. Here follows a list of sterotypes but that may have truth in his mind

-- because he is a man, he is more likely to be able to hold his liquor (and stay in control)

-- drunk men do not get taken advantage of at the same rate/have physical safety risks like women do

-- he knows himself and knows HE wouldn't cheat (this is true for all humans)

 

Whether these things really are true in all cases or not, that's why he would have a different view if it were you.

 

 

But I agree that 4 am, plus booze out with girls (married or not) is shady, whether you're a man or a woman. Don't make it so that he has to agree with you, make it clear that it's not okay and will be dealt with accordingly.

 

On the other hand, I would point out ameliorating factors:

 

he did invite you

it was business (or business related)

he called many times.

[greenowl88]

Good points there Cecelius!! Thanks for your input, I appreciate it!!

 

It makes a lot of sense what you said, especially about how a person can trust themselves not to do anything wrong in a situation like that, but can we trust someone else? We don't know, and that's why we get upset.

 

I didn't eaxactly have the right to be SUPER mad because of the factors you mentioned that he did, which are true.

 

I basically wanted other people's opinions on what they would have done if it had happened to them, and why some people think it's ok to do things while their partners can't.

 

Thank again everyone!!!

[someguy69]

Just to let you know... its not limited to guys.

 

My gf seems to get into a lot of situations that should would go insane with jealousy if I was in the same situation -- and what's weird is that never crosses her mind unless I bring it up.

 

What is extra-extra weird is that she claims to be abnormally empathetic.

 

How can she be both highly empathetic, yet maintain double-standard situations?

 

It's as if she is lacking a "fairness gene".