Need Help Getting My Girlfriend Back (Long Read)

[Skeptic68w]

Hello everyone, I am new to the forum. I found a couple threads that helped me when I was really depressed after my recent breakup and thought that now that I am mostly on my feet I might come here to get your advice on how to get my girlfriend back. I do not want standard advice so please read this post in it's entirety and consider everything before weighing in. Thank you so much in advance.

 

I am convinced that we broke up for valid reasons but in talking with her recently, I'm also convinced that we are aware of them and could go back to having a wonderful relationship if we only gave it a chance.

 

I am 25 and she is 23(both old souls). We were together just shy of 2 years(we lived together for a little over a year of that). She left me a month ago and while I am certainly in better shape than I was for the first couple weeks, I am still absolutely devastated. I love this woman so much and as much as I have tried to be okay with this, I'm just not. I am approaching the end of this relationship in the same way Dylan Thomas writes about death. I refuse to go about this quietly and let her sink into my past. This parting should burn and rave at close of day. I will not go gentle.

 

The beginning: For the first year of our relationship, everything was amazing. We were both seniors in college (I was in the military before going to school so I'm a little older). I was renting a condo with a friend and within a week or two of our first date she was over at my house almost every day of the week and often spent the night. We connected so deeply and so quickly. We had similar upbringings, similar childhood experiences, a ton of overlapping interests, we respect each other very highly, we push and help each other to be kinder and more successful, we are very supportive of one another, we communicate very well, our families each love the other person, we work in the same field, we want the same things in life, we share values, we share morals, the sex was great, there was just such a connection. I can't really put it into words. I knew right away that I wanted her to be the mother of my children. She's amazing. She's very nearly everything I've ever wanted in a woman. The only critiques I have is that she sometimes has trouble communicating her emotions which comes off as being a bit cold, and physically, her breasts are quite small. I mention these things only because they are about the only things I can say that make her short of perfect in my mind.

 

We met in September and moved in together the following May. We were both relocating to a new area and her uncle had a place for rent that was cheap. As I was starting grad school and she was going into a full year unpaid internship, we wanted to live with each other not only because we loved each other, but because it was a great financial decision. Unfortunately, this was likely a mistake. More on this later.

 

Mistake 1: She has had an incredibly busy year. On an average day, she would be at an internship rotation for 8-9 hours, then come home and do 4 hours of homework, quizzes, prep work, etc. By the time she did all that, cooked something, did a couple household tasks, and relaxed for 30 minutes...it was time for bed. This happened every day and she always had big projects hanging over her head that she felt guilty not spending every free moment working on. With her being so busy, every free moment she had, she dedicated to being with me or with family (often both at the same time). She neglected her friends and her hobbies. She stopped painting. She stopped going to yoga. She stopped exercising regularly. At the end of the relationship, she said she felt like she had lost herself and that she didn't feel like herself anymore because she had neglected those things. She felt like a big things that was keeping her from doing those things was being in a relationship. Please understand that while I am guilty of not recognizing this issue back then and trying to push her to do her own thing sometimes, I never tried to keep her from those things.

 

Mistake 2: We got into a rut. A big part of this was because we were poor students. We couldn't afford to take trips or go do exciting things. Being a couple of introverts, it was easy for us to stay home every night and watch tv or just talk. Unfortunately, this became boring and we both got irritated with the same old routine. I came very close several times to booking us a cabin in the woods to just get away but always talked myself out of it for financial reasons. Big mistake. We didn't do adventurous things and make memories together. We were just boring and predictable. We simply spent too much time together. We needed to be apart more.

 

Mistake 3: We both became lazy lovers. I take most of the blame here but she is not innocent. Although the sex was great in the beginning, around the time we moved in together, it started becoming boring and infrequent. I now know looking back at this and my other relationships that I have a bad habit of only initiating sex about once a week and not putting in a lot of effort once I have been with someone a while. I am aware of this now and plan to work on being a more selfless lover but nevertheless...it was an issue. She didn't initiate even when she was horny so she shares a little of the blame.

 

Mistake 4: We got so much right in the beginning and we both fell so hard for each other that we created such a high standard for our relationship that we couldn't maintain it. We were both just students with plenty of free time in the beginning and so we spent a ton of time together and still had time for our friends and hobbies. When her schedule got busy, we couldn't do that anymore. When you mix that with having less and worse sex and a lot of job stress, it created a big issue. She felt like we were stagnating and not growing together. Once we started to feel like we weren't growing, we put even more energy and time into the relationship but we weren't fixing the root cause so we got frustrated and felt hopeless. This manifested itself for the first time about 6 months ago. Out of the blue she started feeling kinda depressed and wasn't acting like herself. I couldn't get her laughing with playful tickling and she didn't want to have sex at all (before that she never once turned down an offer for sex). We talked at length about it but she said she didn't know what was wrong. Eventually we chalked it up to work stress and after a week or so she was more or less back to normal. I thought it was resolved but it wasn't. It turns out that was the first time she started having doubts about us having a future together. It's when she started feeling like we were stagnating and she started to get worried. She didn't express this to me. I really wish she would have because we could have fixed it together but we didn't.

 

For the last 6 months she said she would randomly get this nagging feeling that she didn't want to be with me anymore She said 99% of the time she was perfectly happy but deep down she knew she wanted to leave. She kept pushing it down and pushing it down because she loved me and we were such a good fit but it eventually overwhelmed her, culminating in our breakup.

 

Mistake 5: We spent too much time planning for the future and we didn't live in the moment. Since we didn't have the money to go do exciting things, one of our favorite hobbies was to drive around the suburbs, look at houses that we would be able to afford in a few years, and dream about our future. We had it all planned out. I was going to finish my master's and start working next may, she was going to work for a couple years then go back to school for either physician's assistant or nurse practitioner, we were going to start having kids her final year of that program, buy a starter house in 2 years, etc etc etc. We mapped everything out in detail and changed the plan all the time as new insights were reached. It was fun in the moment. Trying to decide where we would live, when we would do the different things we wanted to do, etc. Unfortunately, that too was a mistake. Even though she enjoyed it in the moment, eventually she started to feel trapped by it. The weight of the plans was crushing her free spirit. She is usually a very deliberate and planned person but occasionally she just wants to do things on a whim and we didn't do this.

 

Mistake 6: She didn't feel totally free. Being that our relationship more closely resembled a 20 year marriage than the relatively new relationship of a couple 20 somethings, we naturally tended to let each other know where we were and what we were doing. Not in the obsessive way, just in the courteous way like saying "I'll be a bit late getting home from work so feel free to start dinner without me, I'm going to go to yoga". We did this because we were very integrated and because we didn't want the other person to worry. We never called or texted each other in a jealous or suspicious way, but we would often reach out to make sure the person hadn't been killed in a car wreck or something. She has recently said that she just wants to be able to walk out of the house without telling anyone where she is going or when she will be back. She knows she didn't have to do that with me, but that she felt bad not doing it. The thing is, she never utilizes this freedom because she doesn't do spontaneous things, she just wants to feel that she can. Unfortunately I don't know what to do with this one. I don't need to know where she is all the time but I think being courteous is a small price to pay to make sure the other person isn't worried about you. I'm not sure what to do about this part.

 

 

So as a result of everything above, she left me a month ago She said she loved me very much and would not be opposed to being together again in the future but she wanted to be alone to find herself and really discover what she wants. There is no-one else and she does not want to date or sleep around, she just wants to figure herself out and be her own priority. I am convinced that she could come back to the relationship and still find herself and rediscover her hobbies. I am also convinced that now that we know what went wrong in our relationship, we can take corrective action and go back to being the wonderfully in love couple that we were before.

 

We didn't talk much for most of this month. I clung to her very hard for the first week or so after the break but more or less gave her her space after that. She moved back in with her parents about a week after the break and has been there 3 or so weeks. 3 days ago we met to discuss the bills and ended up having a really good time together. I grilled some burgers and we walked around a mall for a bit. It felt like old times all over again. We were planning on doing no contact but now we are questioning if that's right for us. We've texted every day, often at length, for the last few days, mainly discussing what went wrong and what we are going to do now. We are still best friends and she and I both want to maintain that. I am torn between trying no contact to make her miss me or staying close and seeing each other often to keep communication clear and to keep the door open to reconciliation. I don't want to move on, I don't want to date other women, I just want to get my girl and my life back. I'm willing to do what it takes. I love her too much to let her go. We had something too good and too special. I know we can fix this if we just try again. I just need to know how to get her to want to give it a shot. I've not brought up the idea of getting back together yet. I'm trying to wait and make everything right.

 

Thank you for reading all of this and I can't wait to read your responses.

[jeremymason]

My guess is you are new to this forum. Writing definitely helps as it brings out the emotional part of it. However, for people like me who are not emotionally attached I suggest bullet points or summaries of each paragraph as I like to answer as many as possible. I will answer mistake 2-3 for you tho.

 

Mistake 2: You are students and poor, I get it. There are things you can do besides sitting at home. Go to a park, ride bikes, check out the local dollar theaters, go to your local library, check out a festival, take a day trip, go camping. Did you know many libraries offer free passes to museums? Also make her pay her fair share, that shows that she is with you for all the right reasons.

 

Mistake 3: A relationship should not be based on just he physical act of sex. There is cuddling, sleeping next to one another, holding hands etc. All that is important as well. If she wants romance she can initiate it as well.

[kbbcoop77]

It's really up to her, there's not much you can do to convince her. She WAS in a relationship with you and lived with you and she decided to END it. She didn't do this on a whim, she thought about it a long time. If you have any chance getting back with her she has to miss you. You're making it so easy for her to let you go by being there for her. She doesn't have to suffer being without you and experience the gravity of her decision to leave you.

 

I would recommend telling her you're not interested in friendship at this time but if she wanted to discuss reconciliation she knows where to reach you. Then wish her luck and disappear.

[Skeptic68w]

My guess is you are new to this forum. Writing definitely helps as it brings out the emotional part of it. However, for people like me who are not emotionally attached I suggest bullet points or summaries of each paragraph as I like to answer as many as possible. I will answer mistake 2-3 for you tho.

 

Mistake 2: You are students and poor, I get it. There are things you can do besides sitting at home. Go to a park, ride bikes, check out the local dollar theaters, go to your local library, check out a festival, take a day trip, go camping. Did you know many libraries offer free passes to museums? Also make her pay her fair share, that shows that she is with you for all the right reasons.

 

Mistake 3: A relationship should not be based on just he physical act of sex. There is cuddling, sleeping next to one another, holding hands etc. All that is important as well. If she wants romance she can initiate it as well.

 

Jeremy,

 

Thank you for your swift response. I understand that this is a lot to read but i really want those willing to offer advice to have a full picture here.

 

Regarding mistake 2. We didn't do NOTHING, we just didn't do enough. We did take walks, visit local parks, go to movies, etc but it just wasn't enough and often it was the same things.

 

Regarding mistake 3. We slept in the same bed for most of the relationship. I was not as romantic as I should have been regarding cuddling, general acts of appreciation and affection, etc.

[Skeptic68w]

It's really up to her, there's not much you can do to convince her. She WAS in a relationship with you and lived with you and she decided to END it. She didn't do this on a whim, she thought about it a long time. If you have any chance getting back with her she has to miss you. You're making it so easy for her to let you go by being there for her. She doesn't have to suffer being without you and experience the gravity of her decision to leave you.

 

I would recommend telling her you're not interested in friendship at this time but if she wanted to discuss reconciliation she knows where to reach you. Then wish her luck and disappear.

 

Thank you kbbcoop77, I have seriously considered this and think you may be right. It's very difficult for me to do this. Odd as it sounds, we have actually been there for each other a lot during this break up. Any further advice?

[kbbcoop77]

Thank you kbbcoop77, I have seriously considered this and think you may be right. It's very difficult for me to do this. Odd as it sounds, we have actually been there for each other a lot during this break up. Any further advice?

 

Well I say this because of my own breakup and the mistakes I made, staying in contact etc..but ultimately it didn't matter because she was not only completely done but had her claws into someone else on the way out the door. We were together 24 years, 2 kids etc, so it was tough. But 2 years later I'm much better. But I spent the first 7 or so months in contact as friends always thinking we would reconcile but it didn't happen. I didn't know about the other guy during this time so i really looked foolish. I would recommend reading this online guide that helped me when I was really down. http://Www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

You're in a fog now and I did the exact same things you're saying, improved myself, quit drinking, joined a gym...the results were fantastic but I was doing it for her which was not realistic. Her mind was completely made up, but she would've been fine being friends. This would've just made me feel worse so ultimately I just had to cut her completely off and get on with life.

 

And being there for each other with someone who dumped you doesn't work. Trust me

[Skeptic68w]

The thing that makes me wary of no contact is that if I had done it to begin with, we would have never discussed the real issues. It wasn't until 3 days ago that we talked about what really went wrong. She insisted when we broke up that I had done nothing wrong (which I obviously had) and that she just needed space to find herself. That's still part of the reason but the source of that problem and the other issues would never have been discovered if we hadn't been talking. Now we have a much clearer picture of what we would have to fix if we got back together.

 

Idk. I'm very conflicted.

[kbbcoop77]

It's very confusing right after a breakup. And it's normal for an ex to spell out everything that went wrong that caused them to leave. BUT that's a far different situation than sitting you down BEFORE breaking up to address her concerns. My experience has been over these last 2 years on several web sites and boards and books...once they pull the trigger they are finished. It's all about you and your own healing now. I'm sorry but I think it's the best route as painful and impossible as it sounds

[Skeptic68w]

It's very confusing right after a breakup. And it's normal for an ex to spell out everything that went wrong that caused them to leave. BUT that's a far different situation than sitting you down BEFORE breaking up to address her concerns. My experience has been over these last 2 years on several web sites and boards and books...once they pull the trigger they are finished. It's all about you and your own healing now. I'm sorry but I think it's the best route as painful and impossible as it sounds

 

She just came by and we went for a walk and a talk. It couldn't have gone worse. We are just on such different pages right now. I told her about how talking about all the real issues was making me happy because I saw ways to fix them and potentially get back to where we were. She got really upset and said that this kind of logical thinking and problem solving puts her right back into the same frame of mind that she was in when we were together. We always used to walk and talk and talk out all our problems. We always respected the other person's opinion so much that we both listened well and usually figured out that the solution was somewhere in the middle of our ideas. Alas, this approach to this situation upset her a lot.

 

I told her that I really want her to be in my life but I can't be around her without being with her. I also said that I'm conflicted and emotional and that I don't want to make any rash decisions so we decided to not talk for a couple days and see how we feel then. It's the best I can do right now.

 

At the end of the walk we were discussing our attempts the past few days to hang out and try to be friends. I have been inviting her to come over and she has yet to accept and was getting frustrated by me asking her to come over whenever she mentions she's free. She said she wants to be unscheduled and got really upset when I was trying to explain my frustrations in trying to talk to her. I couldn't figure out when to ask her to come over, how to ask, etc. I've just been really down the rabbit hole trying to figure her out. She didn't like that I was trying to figure her out I guess.

 

When we got back my emotions just completely took me over and I was fighting tears really hard. I felt like I just wanted to express how much I loved her but I couldn't speak. She was mad and talking about how it was late and she had to leave. I walked up and wrapped her in a big hug. She boiled over and said "this isn't helping!" and stormed out. I broke down and cried very hard. I feel so lost. I don't understand why she doesn't want to try and work on the issues.

 

this hurts. I feel almost exactly like I did the day she left.

[Skeptic68w]

I've started reading that site. I already think it's going to be very helpful. Thanks.

[kbbcoop77]

Sorry, I did the same crap. Like I said, the one who broke your heart cannot help you now. Please read that guide I posted. It's very informative and helpful.

 

You are really back at step one now, this is what happens with contact, especially physical contact i.e. Hugs etc. Its no good. The first section of that guide is the steps to take right when the breakup happens. Read it. Trust me I've been where you are dude

[kbbcoop77]

I've started reading that site. I already think it's going to be very helpful. Thanks.

 

It helped me tremendously ...I had it memorized ..hope it helps buddy hang in there I know how it sucks

[Ms Darcy]

You are trying to get her back and she is trying to let you go. You guys want different things. I'm glad this happened so you can realize she doesn't want to get back with you.