Dating again -- an update

[trishcollins]

Well, not sure if all of you know my story, but I split with my ex last June. It was circumstancial, and although we loved each other, there were too many obstacles (his daughter for one) keeping us from moving forward. He choose to stick his head in the sand and not do anything to help the situation, and I was the "sacraficial lamb". We have probably exhanged 10-12 emails in the last nine months, spoken on the phone 6 times and seen each other once.

 

Each time, I initiate contact, and each time is responses are more and more emotionally void. The last time I contacted him was last week. It was his birthday and I sent him a newsy email, updating him on my life, and the fact that I had decided to start dating again (as per his suggestion to me in Dec). I got back a two line email saying "thanks for the birthday wishes, glad to hear you are dating again, best of luck". It was so void of any emotion, it could have been written by R2D2. Once again, proving to me, he has completely blocked our relationship right out of his head. It was as though it was all a dream and it never happened, and the loving, caring, attentive and affectionate man I knew, never exsisted. I am sure he does it because he thinks he is protecting me, but I am starting to think he really does have the ability to shut off his feelings like a tap. He did the same thing when he wife died, and I though it was shock and denial. But, perhaps he actually has the gift that allows him to just "move on". Man, if I could bottle that, I would make a fortune

 

Anyway, I have started dating again, but I have to say it's unfortunately EXACTLY as I remember it 3 years ago. Meeting people at my age (44) is not easy, and is usually limited to the Internet, as work is out of the question and I don't do the bar scene. I have also gone down the "socializing and participating in activities I like and meeting people with similar interests", but my vast experience has shown me that most of the people participating in things I like to do, are couples or other single woman also looking for available men. So, back to the 'net.

 

I have met in person two people. One who is a nice guy with similar interests. However, he had met someone else just before me and has decided to persue that first. The second fellow I met, was right out of "Trailer Park Boys" and must have used the "F" word 10 times in the first two minutes after we met. Needless-to-say, I was out of there in no time flat. I had lined up a couple more "meetings", but have since cancelled -- I am not ready for this yet.

 

At the end of each date, I would find myself very angry at my ex for making me go through this again. That he promised me I would never have to be out there again, and yet here I am.

 

Feeling that way made me realize I am not 100% ready to be out there again. So, I have decided to back off for awhile. I am in that limbo stage. The stage when I know it's truly over with my ex, but not quite ready to commit to something else. However, I am glad I ventured out there again, regardless of how scarey it is. There are tons of great people out there, the trick is to find them before someone else does

 

If nothing else, I hope this helps people realize that they will eventually get over their exes, and be able to move on. It's not a fast process, and there are still a few nights I cry myself to sleep, but they are getting fewer and further between, and I know that there will be someone else in my life again, who is worthy of my love.

[Mun]

Hello Trish,

Glad to know you are doing well and that you at least gave it a try. I think only when you get out there again can you determine if you are ready or not. In my case I was not and I waited a bit more too.

 

Sad that your ex has not changed his mind. I understand your frustration. The only thing left is to wonder if once his children grow up and leave will things change? Time will tell.

 

My own friend contacted me to tell me he just "doesn't want to start over" with anyone. Kept repeating he knew he was an idiot, and how much he thought of me. (Not the same situation--he is divorced) I know what I want and since I know what he wants is not the same thing--I can move on with no regrets.

 

Don't waver from what you want Trish. Keep moving forward

 

Love

[trishcollins]

Thanks Muneca,

 

You are right about getting out there and giving it a try. I wasn't completely ready but glad I did. It was one step further towards the future and one step further away from the past.

 

Sorry to hear things didn't work out for you either. I know in my case, if he waited until the kids leave (his daughter is aparently heading out west to live come May, ironically after him saying she wanted to be at home fof the next 3-5 years, but his son is at home for the next while), I would have to turn him away.

 

As silly as it seems, I know that if he does that, he has not resolved any issues. It means we have not seen things the same way, and I would always hold some resentment about how he handled things. The only way I would accept him back now, would be on a promise to get counselling for him and his kids, and to admit that the way he handled things was wrong. I don't see that happening ever.

 

Thanks for the encouragement.

[Mentor]

Hi Trish,

 

I am sorry to hear that the dating road has had some bumps along the way for you. Try not to get too down! There are great guys out there (somewhere). I have always found dating easier if I go in with no expectations other than spending a few hours getting to know someone who has already attracted me in some fashion. If a second date follows, then great! If not, at least I have met someone new, and perhaps learned something more about myself in the process.

 

You are meeting these people on the internet, so you must know something about them before a face-to-face meeting. Maybe you need to spend more time e-mailing or talking on the phone first to get a better sense if they are compatible with you?

 

Two dates is nothing, don't give up yet!

 

Ian

 

PS - what are these activities that you are doing that seem to only draw single women looking for guys?

[trishcollins]

PS - what are these activities that you are doing that seem to only draw single women looking for guys?

 

Cycling trips, wine-tasting, photography, hiking trips, white-water rafting. All of these activities included tons of single, professional women around my age. Guess because we are single and don't have kids, we can afford to take the time to do these activities, and have the money to do them as well.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I have another date lined up for tomorrow and a tentative meeting setup for next week. I figure once a week is a good pace. More than that, it becomes like a trying to find a job.

 

The first guy I met is actually a good fit in almost every way, but he's "just not that in to me" so I guess ultimately, that isn't a good thing

 

Anyway, I still get discouraged and do all the stupid things you do when you aren't quite ready to date again. I was so upset at the end of my last date, I wanted to phone my ex and yell at him for making me go out there again. If it wasn't so pathetic, it would be funny.

[Mentor]

PS - what are these activities that you are doing that seem to only draw single women looking for guys?

 

Cycling trips, wine-tasting, photography, hiking trips, white-water rafting. All of these activities included tons of single, professional women around my age.

 

Huh. These are all things that I enjoy doing too, but I meet more single guys than women. Very strange.

 

About 1 date/week is all I can manage. Beyond that and I start to get exhausted, and confuse one person for another! Not good, lol. I am currently not dating at all after my last fiasco, but an starting to think about it again....

 

I know how frustrating it can be. I was in what I thought was a safe, secure relationship just 6 months ago. I remember when I was with my gf I would be grateful to have her and not have to go through the whole dating thing, yet here I am again. Then again, I think back to those exciting days when you have just met someone new, and you are learning all their wonderful qualities, and how exciting and exhilirating that can be! Meeting the right person will make all of the bad dates insignificant in comparison. It is not so bad, really.

 

As long as you are confident in yourself and what you have to offer in a relationship, you will find someone out there worthy of you. Don't settle for less!

 

Good luck Trish,

 

Ian

[trishcollins]

I sure understand about mixing them all up I keep a spreadsheet of names and aliases. Pretty bad, eh?

 

I know what you mean about that "feeling" of it being exciting and new. I think when you start feeling that (and not feeling bad or guilty), you have truly moved on. I am halfway to that, feeling like I want to call my ex and say "see, I am okay", but I think that defeats the purpose, which is why I am not all the way there yet.

 

And I would never settle, but I do need to be patient.

 

Good luck too. Is there a forum for bad dating stories? I have a few good ones to add

[Mentor]

I sure understand about mixing them all up I keep a spreadsheet of names and aliases. Pretty bad, eh?

 

LOL I feel your pain!

 

I know what you mean about that "feeling" of it being exciting and new. I think when you start feeling that (and not feeling bad or guilty), you have truly moved on. I am halfway to that, feeling like I want to call my ex and say "see, I am okay", but I think that defeats the purpose, which is why I am not all the way there yet.

 

Trish, you do seem to still have your ex on your mind a lot. It seems like you are looking back almost as much as you are looking forward. I don't believe that this means that you are not ready to date again, just be cautious. Try to keep things casual and fun, and don't get sucked into a serious relationship too soon (like I was From the sounds of things, it looks like you are already well aware of all of this.

 

Ian

[LaSirena]

Trishcollins, you and I were separated at birth!

 

I, too, am 44. Don't look it 8) (whatever "it" is supposed to look like), but I feel every second. I, too was the "sacrificial lamb" also put under the knife last June by a man who had too many obstacles in his life to overcome to be with me. Despite the fact that he initiated our (long distance, internet-sparked) relationship, travelled through all kinds of wild weather complete with NYC-Boston traffic to see me every other weekend, told me he loved me after one month, asked me to marry him after 3 months, and asked me to choose an engagement ring.

 

Ten days after choosing a ring together, he called me at work to tell me that he loved me, but couldn't risk another divorce and the fact that I couldn't love his (ill-tempered, selfish, verbally abusive and controlling) mother (who treated him like a leper), and the rest of his mean-spirited, clannish family (who treated him like a homeless vagrant intruding on their cozy circle) made it impossible for us to be together. Click. Buzzzzz.... Silence. For 9 months.

 

Unlike you, however, I made absolutely no attempt whatsoever to contact him and the silence has been maintained pristinely on his part. After his hysterical outburst on the telephone 9 months ago, in a place where I had no privacy to express myself and not one second to get a word in edgewise, I've had to deal not only with this stunning, 11th hour rejection, but with all the unanswered questions. Like, how could a man who begged me never to leave him launch such a ruthless pre-emptive strike on the woman he had just bought at engagement ring for? And, how could he "choose" these horrible people that he admitted merely tolerate his presense and with whom he has "never felt comfortable" over me, who did nothing but appreciate and accept him? And, how could a grown man allow them to force him into such a decision?! Sleepless nights? Many of them! But I would cut off my right arm before I would contact him.

 

Like you, I'm now forced back into the dating scene, which, with my engagement last year, I thought I had left forever. I also do the internet thing because I work in an all-female office. They're all married and have no one to introduce me to and, even if they did, I wouldn't take them up on it considering their judgement in the men they married. I'm attractive, I'm intelligent, but I'm also reserved and low-key -- make that SHY -- both by nature and by ancestral/cultural mores.

 

Before I met the ex-fiance, I had spent 18 months in dating hell, with being stood up, disappeared on, exasperated, frustrated and played about with by men who came on strong and then folded, often with no explanation and never with an apology. And those were only the ones I was lucky enough to have some compatibility with or interest in. I'm at the point now where sheer, unadulterated loneliness is forcing my hand and I'm preparing to put up an internet personal ad again in a couple weeks, when spring gets the sap running in the loins of these neurotic, indecisive and crazy-making men around here and they venture out into the chilly sunshine.

 

I'm dreading it. I had one date with a man a few weeks after my broken engagement, but refused a second because I couldn't manage. I had another date with a man before Christmas, and nothing since but hours-long phone calls from him because he's too neurotic, indecisive and crazy-making to actually go out with me again, although he hints incessantly that we may actually see each other again in this century. I'm lonely, I'm wasting some of the best years of my sexual life, but I also know that dating may not change my condition and may, in fact, only worsen it.

 

I can't tell you how your words resonate with me, when you say that you hate your ex for pushing you back out into this exasperating mess. I feel the same way! I keep thinking, how dare you throw away the best thing you've ever found, and force me out into this wasteland of emotionally abusive losers and clowns?! How dare you trade our happiness for your short-term emotional comfort, leaving me at the mercy of fate or random chance to find someone else while you continue on your fruitless search for a woman who will knuckle under to your mother! Most of the time, I feel like this:

 

I've lost weight and shaped up (I was actually astonished at how unfit I had become being "happy" with the ex), I get appreciative looks and comments from men, I'm stronger and smarter than I ever was before, I have some very good studio pics for the ad...but my heart isn't in it because I know the twisted and freakish creatures hiding in the bushes along my dating path, ready to ambush me when I least expect it. I HATE this! I HATE my ex for leaving me! I HATE dating!

 

That's my story.

[Mun]

when spring gets the sap running in the loins of these neurotic, indecisive and crazy-making men around here and they venture out into the chilly sunshine. ....

the twisted and freakish creatures hiding in the bushes along my dating path, ready to ambush me when I least expect it.

 

Heaven help us sister!

 

I don't think you intended to, but you made me laugh Sirena. I can just picture that sap running... and the freaks stepping into the sunshine... OMG

[ladyc]

I can relate to both your stories! It's hard out there and difficult not to

get very discouraged. In my last relationship (a year ago) I wasn't head-over-heels and was content to let things develop slowly - however he wanted the whole cake, he didn't think I wanted him, and quickly moved on to someone he married within a matter of months! Too late, I realized I had probably blown it by not giving it everything (which I always had in the past) and had lost a very good man. Now a year later I've finally found someone I really like, and I'm trying not to make that same mistake. Problem is HE'S not sure he wants a relationship (his words) and I'm in danger of pushing him away by wanting too much (but it's so hard to be patient! I'm not sure where things stand now but I'm truly in dread of having to find someone new yet again. So...I definitely know how you feel...thanks for your posts!

[GreatGuy]

Hang in there, the answers resides within you. Be true to you and make sure you come first and treat your body as a heaven at all time. Soon things will clear up for ya!

 

We've all been there, and share your pain. Be strong!

[LaSirena]

muneca, yes, I was being a bit faceious with the loins and the sap. But truly, that's the only metaphor that describes these strange men here. Maybe things are better (and bigger 8) ) in the Lone Star State!

 

All I know is that I need to find some men with some life in them because I'm getting old and gray waiting on these guys to crawl out of their dens.

[rainy soul]

Hi Trish,

Your devoid of emotions ex sounds exactly like mine. What is it that they have that allows them to act in such a way...On the other hand I believe that one of the gifts of being alive is to be full of passion, emotion, love and its best friend heartbreak! We all have the chance to walk through the valley and to ascend to the mountaintop! I just went through a similar email event with my ex minus the "im dating,' comment but his email was just as cold an emotionally distant as mine. It really brings into question all the loving things we thought about them...were they really the people we thought they were or have we just lifted the veil of illusion and fantasy of who we really wished they were from our eyes? Take care thanks, for the words of encouragement and like you I'm not quite ready for dating yet but I am ready to begin a love affair with myself!

[grinand bearit]

Hi ladies -

 

I know the story...I had a guy who wasn't perfect by any means, far from it; but, he was intelligent, attractive, educated, well empl0yed, capable, sensual, etc., and I loved him, warts and all. I would have stayed for the long run. I expected he would, too.

But, here I am, not wanting to date again, not wanting to go to a bar alone, having no luck online either, and resenting the he** out of him for putting me back in this place!

I am encouraged by friends to join groups, etc. I've yet to do it because I have heard from other women how useless it often is. maybe at the least it would take my mind off him?

I am just about ready to resign myself to be alone for the rest of my life. I am about the same age as you all and the men that are out there just make me miss my ex--and he was not only "warty" but abusive at times, along with all his other actual good attributes ( which is kind of like eating a stew made with wonderful ingredients into which someone has dropped dogsh**)!!

[trishcollins]

I've lost weight and shaped up (I was actually astonished at how unfit I had become being "happy" with the ex), I get appreciative looks and comments from men, I'm stronger and smarter than I ever was before, I have some very good studio pics for the ad...but my heart isn't in it because I know the twisted and freakish creatures hiding in the bushes along my dating path, ready to ambush me when I least expect it. I HATE this! I HATE my ex for leaving me! I HATE dating!

 

First, sorry for the long delay in replying. I have topics being "watched" but I think if you are inactive for awhile, they stop notifying you. And second, congrats on the weight-loss and fitness. That worked for me at first, but backfired later, so I am back to were I started before the breakup.

 

Anyway, I read your post and I totally feel for you. These guys come on so strong (mine did the same thing -- told me he loved me within a month, even though his wife had only been gone for 4 months at that point). We were looking at property within 2 months, and bought a 10 acre lot within 5 months. By 10 months, the lot was up for sale and we bought a property with a house instead, then spent the next four months fixing it up to move in. We barely had time to breath. Anyway, it's a long story, but I never moved in and 10 months after he moved in (and out again), we were history, just shy of 2 years. We were supposed to get married next year. Life sure throws you some curves.

 

On the dating side, I can totally appreciate what you are going through. I have met face-to-face in the last 6 years (3 of which I wasn't even on the system), about 50 people. Of the 50, there were only four I dated past the first date, and only one (my current ex) that lasted more than 3 months. Internet dating is tough. There are a lot of lonely people out there and many are not ready for a relationship and don't even know it. They just don't want to be alone. So, they can't commit once they meet someone. Then there are the ones who are like kids in a candy store, who keep thinking they have to go back and check for something new, in case they miss out on something better.

 

I can't honestly say I have been sucessful with Internet dating. I have some expectations and don't feel my criteria are unreasonable, but when I do a check (local men within five years of my age, and non smoking, and who don't want more children) I get very few, maybe 20. Of those, I have contacted most, and often get rejected, usually when they see my photo (I am an attractive redhead, but a bit curvy by Hollywood standards, but I am very fit, so it's tough to define my body type, so I put average). They are looking for younger, thinner, blonder women. I get hit on alot by guys much older (64) and sometimes think "why not", but in my heart, I know I would be settling. I am still very young, and already skipped having my own kids, so want to be with someone who is the same age, and not quite ready to retire and move to Florida

 

So, I go on the system for a few months, then go off for awhile. Right now I am off they system. I am not quite ready to date again, but at least I feel I am finally over my ex. Thank God!

 

But, I do recall with vivid horror the evils of Internet dating -- the standups, the lies, the two-timers, the sleazeballs, etc. I know there are some nice guys in the mix too, but I can't seem to connect with them. I also live the country life, so it's a bit tougher to find someone willing to relocate to a farm, and I am firm about not relocation to the city -- my horses are my life. I am still only 30 mins from downtown, but for some, they need to be right in the middle of the action. I am trying to be patient, but completely understand how you feel.

 

PM me if you like. I can certainly relate. And so sorry you had to go through that.

[trishcollins]

Hi ladies -

I am encouraged by friends to join groups, etc. I've yet to do it because I have heard from other women how useless it often is. maybe at the least it would take my mind off him?

 

Do something you like to do, not something that is place to meet men. If you have no expectations, you will never be disappointed. You never know, you might met some other single woman who know some single guys somewhere. I know it's a longshot, and I am not sure why, but as I said, if you do things for yourself, you will feel better.

 

What did I do? Dropped $30K to have my kitchen redesigned and $10K on new living room furniture and a home theatre system. Debt be damned, it's only money. And I know my ex would never have "let" me do it, even though I can afford it. The fact that I had to ask permission, was the nail in the coffin for me. Although I didn't know it then, he did me a big favour.