On being shy and dating

[Mun]

I could be way off here, but maybe we don't like those comments because we want to know that a man sees beyond the breasts and butt. We don't want to feel like objects and so saying something that is a bit superficial and sexual may not go over too well at the beginning. Of course not everyone may feel this way, but maybe that explains it.

 

..and maybe men don't think of it that way because they would love it if women made more sexual comments to them...they want to feel like sex objects? I'm just kidding.. but maybe?

 

...all I know is that I don't know for sure... and it looks like we are getting off topic.

[al7]

I could be way off here, but maybe we don't like those comments

 

See, isn't it strange: men like sexual comments and women don't?

Actually, men like them cuz women are so reserved about sex, that they seldom say anything about it at all.

 

I still believe is is about morals: "a good girl should not think about sex let alone accept that kind of compliments" is very popular taught concept.

I am just guessing: in times when women were oppressed, they figured out how to draw some power from men: by denying sex: a man: "You got such nice sexy lips..." a woman "what are you talking about!?"

Which leaves men confused...less confident and less powerful.

Surprisingly it may be true even today...

[al7]

1. I don't think it includes being polite and appropriate

2. Well, it's not really real when those aren't even my lips and we have been communicating on here so you're not a total stranger.

3. Maybe it is the most important thing in a relationship to you, but it isn't to me

 

1. Good, thats my point too. I pointed that out to shysoul.

2. Hmm.. take a pic, post it.. we'll repeat

I am not a total starnger for you? Wow! What do you know about me? anything? you even didn't see me...you just know I won't shut up

I guess I am even better than any stranger: I'll tell you what I think without beating around the bush. So you may feel even more shy talking to me. Real stranger ususally are trying to be polite.

3. OK, what is the most imp. part of a relationship for you?

Is it somehting you can tell out loud?

[ShySoul]

Maybe my point wasn't clear. Honest = Honest. Polite = Polite. Appropriate = Appropriate. Those are separate things. Sheyda is right in saying that I meant you should be all three when talking to a girl, or anyone for that matter. Otherwise there is a good chance of misunderstanding or someone being offended. I could be completely honest but if I say it in such a way that isn't polite or appropriate the odds are the person will be to upset with me to recognize that I'm speaking the truth. I could be polite but without honesty it wouldn't be right, it would just be me saying what other people want to hear. That would lead to problems down the road.

 

Al, I may not know you in person but I think I have a bit of knowledge about you just from the things you post and the manner in which you do it. You can learn alot about someone just from the general conversation, even if its electronic. So your not a total stranger.

 

As a "good guy" stereotype who likes the "good girls," I'll say what I think is most important in a relationship. It's the basic feeling and understanding you have with someone, that connection that you don't share with anyone else. It is hard to put into words. Yes, flirting and physical contact are important, but there ultimately ways of expressing something deeper. I think it's about that deep bond and friendship between two people. Ya, I'm a romantic so most people probably don't think like that. But eventually that is what it comes down to. Am I close to what you were thinking Sheyda?

[ShySoul]

Guess that answered my question. Yep, I completely agree with you Sheyda.

[al7]

 

2. Sorry, but I can't take a pic without a cam.

 

3.I don't consider you a total stranger

 

4. I think the most important part is the connection the two people have with each other; the love and companionship.

 

2. I believe you have friends and some of them have a cam. Nowdays it is not hard to get a pic, but it might be lazy.

 

3. It is interesting. Cuz in online dating a decision "to respond or no tto respond" is based on looks, i.e. pics only. I didnt think such weird qualities as be good at deabting would contribute to an image much.

Looks, voice, smell... this is important.

 

4. I just think relationship without sex is more like friends or just companionship.

[al7]

1. Maybe my point wasn't clear. Honest = Honest. Polite = Polite. Appropriate = Appropriate.

 

2. Al, I may not know you in person but I think I have a bit of knowledge about you just from the things you post and the manner in which you do it. You can learn alot about someone just from the general conversation, even if its electronic. So your not a total stranger.

 

1. If you just say it it would be enough: be honest, be polite and be appropriate... Just before this you kept seaying "honest" as if it were all of those things. I found it was difficult to undersantd.

2. It is just an electronic evrsion of me, which is very much different: do you really think I speak in the same way I post here? Do you think I talk a lot? or examine evety word I hear? or that am I am very upfront?

Internet changes a lot of things...

[ShySoul]

I think it goes to what I was saying earlier, you seem to try and define everything whereas I'm looking at the big picture. Even the part you just quoted from me was about definitions, eg. honest = honest. The real important part of what I said was the next few sentences about how the three have to work together.

 

Yes, this could just be your online persona and you may be completely different in real life. But that would seem to go against your notion of being direct and honest. I would think if you really believed in honesty, you would be honest pretty much all the time. There's also the chance that online you could be more you than you are at other times. The internet can provide a sense of safety and security. Odds are we will never meet so you don't have to worry about what I think of you or if you are making a fool of yourself. People online can open up more and reveal more of themselves then the normally would. This is often true with shy people and you've described yourself as shy before. Hey, maybe I'm just different. The way I write on here and the things I say are completely me. I don't change anything just because it's online.

 

If I can I'd like to comment on what you were saying with Sheyda. First, maybe she doesn't want to share a pic? I'm sure she's very pretty, but putting up your picture for a group of strangers may not be that appealing of an idea. Second, any relationship that is going to last awhile needs to be based on friendship. Sex is a very personal and intimate act. It is sharing yourself completely with someone, leaving yourself vulnerable. It isn't about the act itself as it is about the emotions behind it. Yes, sex can be a great thing and a nice way to express your love for one another, but it's the love and connection that makes the sex worthwhile. In the end, it is that friendship and love that is what makes a relationship work. And isn't what we're looking for in a relationship really companionship?

[al7]

1. Well, for any big pictures we need to establish some common ground in term sof definitions. Otherwise it would not make much sense.

2. I just cannot afford be honest etc etc in real life: people expect me being polite or keep business like attitude. Do you talk as much as you write and in the same way? I dont think think so...

Onile people and real people are usually very different...

3. If she doesn't she'll say so. Besides it is about a pic of her lips, which is fairly easy to take plus she might enjoy thw whole process of applying makeup..taking pic. We didn't talk about her her, just about a pi cof her lips. At least thats what I meant.

and.. it is all good, but what kinda relationship it is without sex? What I meant it starts from it: when two people feel "chemistry".. then they may process and get to know each other bettter, friendship etc...

But it basically starts from mutual sexual attraction! I fthere is no attraction they would not be willing to date each other, right?

[ShySoul]

Yes, it's good to know what we are talking about but I think you we're so focused on the definitions that it blinded you to my real point.

 

Again, maybe I'm just different but I'm no different as "ShySoul" then I am as me. The way I talk online is the same way I talk in person. I may do more talking online lately because of what I was saying earlier about it being easier to let go and because I am a "ShySoul." I choose that name for a reason, because it reflects who I am. With me, what you see is what you get. I don't change because of how others expect me to be. I'm polite because I am naturally polite. I will keep in mind what is approriate, but I find a way to be honest and express myself while still being nice and polite.

 

Not that I'm trying to speak for Sheyda or put words in her mouth, but I know I wouldn't be to keen on putting up my picture, even if its just my lips. Since we tend to agree on alot of things I thought she might feel the same way. It's Sheyda's choice.

 

Personally, all the girls I've ever been interested in has started from friendship, not sexual attraction. That's not uncommon. Two people can start off as friends, get to know each other, have similar interests, and understand each other without their ever being any kind of sexual or romantic attraction. But over time as they really start connecting and are there for each other, feelings may grow. There are plenty of stories of best friends who grew up together, never having any thought other than friendship, who end up together many years down the line. If there is attraction it comes from being able to relate to one another. And there are people who are in long term loving relationships but are holding out on having sex, waiting until its right.

[al7]

Personally, all the girls I've ever been interested in has started from friendship, not sexual attraction. That's not uncommon.

 

It is very interesting. I have no idea how I can start with friendship with any woman if I don't find her attractive?

If I find her attractive, ok, I note it for myself: it is about sex, I may want to get to kno wher better.

[ShySoul]

al7,

 

I think we've just got the real issue here. Your focusing on the wrong thing. You are looking for the attraction and sex, not the person. You've also said that your shy. These qualities don't mix well. Someone who is shy isn't going to be able to approach an attractive female and get to know her, especially if the thought of sex is entering the picture. It's just against his personality. Plus women can pick up on that sort of thing and most won't like it. Most women prefer friendship first and a guy who is going to be a good friend to them. Alot of these women are going to go for the shy guys, but your missing out on them because you don't find them immediately attractive and so don't try to get to know them. Now, the women who think that way, going off of attraction and sex, are generally going to go for the loud, more out going guys. So your missing out on them because your not that outgoing guy.

 

Your basically playing both sides of the fence here. Your personality is suited for the friendship first model, but your inclination is to go for attraction first. Which way do you want to be? I would say friendship first. Your not going to really be able to change what is your natural personality plus it gives you a better chance at a long term meaningful relationship.

[Mun]

You want sex al? Be her friend. You have a better chance if she trusts you and the only way she will trust you is if you are her friend first. Sorry buddy, but that's usually how it works. Don't get ahead of yourself. Don't skip any steps.

[al7]

1. You are looking for the attraction and sex, not the person.

2. You've also said that your shy. These qualities don't mix well.

3. Most women prefer friendship first and a guy who is going to be a good friend to them.

4. Alot of these women are going to go for the shy guys, but your missing out on them because you don't find them immediately attractive and so don't try to get to know them.

5.Now, the women who think that way, going off of attraction and sex, are generally going to go for the loud, more out going guys. So your missing out on them because your not that outgoing guy.

Your personality is suited for the friendship first model

 

Interesting post. It is like we all see same parts of the picture, but the picture itself is different for us.

 

1. I make it clear: friendship is possible when you find a girl attractive.

If you find she is not attractive... I just don't get it: what kinda friendship we are going to have... unless we share some common interests??

So evetything starts from that point when you find her attractive.

 

2. I know. I hate that: hate being shy.

 

3. I guess it is true for women: they my not care if they are attracted to a guy at first, they will devlop that attractive later. If you, a guy, don't find a girl attractive, I wonder how you can develop attractive later???

 

4. I am confused: what I am going to do with a girl who I don't find attractive? collect stamps together?

 

5. might be true. I hate this part as well. Being shy is a very awful thing for a guy.

[al7]

1. You are looking for the attraction and sex, not the person.

2. You've also said that your shy. These qualities don't mix well.

3. Most women prefer friendship first and a guy who is going to be a good friend to them.

4. Alot of these women are going to go for the shy guys, but your missing out on them because you don't find them immediately attractive and so don't try to get to know them.

5.Now, the women who think that way, going off of attraction and sex, are generally going to go for the loud, more out going guys. So your missing out on them because your not that outgoing guy.

Your personality is suited for the friendship first model

 

Interesting post. It is like we all see same parts of the picture, but the picture itself is different for us.

 

1. I make it clear: friendship is possible when you find a girl attractive.

If you find she is not attractive... I just don't get it: what kinda friendship we are going to have... unless we share some common interests??

So evetything starts from that point when you find her attractive.

 

2. I know. I hate that: hate being shy.

 

3. I guess it is true for women: they my not care if they are attracted to a guy at first, they will devlop that attractive later. If you, a guy, don't find a girl attractive, I wonder how you can develop attractive later???

 

4. I am confused: what I am going to do with a girl who I don't find attractive? collect stamps together?

 

5. might be true. I hate this part as well. Being shy is a very awful thing for a guy.

[al7]

You want sex al? Be her friend.

 

ha! You pose that question like it is so weird and unnatural

What I am saying is friendship starts from some initial attraction or common interests.

I really doubt I can find sombody with common interests: psychology, philosophy, walking instead of driving.

I went to psychology club and women there care only about their career or somehing weird like "lets organiza book drive", "lets help coomunity with fundrasing" etc etc nothing even close to psychology.

[ShySoul]

al7,

 

Okay, just to make sure we are clear on what we are talking about, what do you mean by finding someone attractive? I'm taking it to mean physically attractive so if I'm wrong feel free to correct me. What I consider to be attractive is who the person is on the inside. Common interests is a big part of that. Naturally, if you have things in common you will get along better and be more likely to take the time to get to know each other. But you generally can't tell if you have things in common with people unless you try to get to know them a bit. This is why I always recommend joing a club or something related to an activity you like. It gives you the opportunity to interact with people who share your interests. This enables you to become friends easier. If things go really well, you'll begin to find her more and more attractive. Hence friendship leads to attraction.

 

Not to say it will always work. This takes time, especially if you have different interests than most. I mean how hard do you think it is for me to find girls at 22 who like philosophy, science fiction, and country music? But that doesn't mean you should give up or get frustrated. There are girls out there who like the same things as us. And the waiting will only serve to make the relationship that much more meaningful when it does happen.

 

Being shy isn't something to hate. It's a part of who you are and is something to be proud of. Everything about you is important as it makes you the unique individual you are. So embrace your entire self, provided that part of you isn't dangerous.

 

Guys can develop attraction to a girl later as I've just mentioned. If anything, attraction isn't something you develop it is something that comes naturally. Focus on simply being friends, getting to know each other and enjoying each others company. If things go really well then you'll begin to be attracted to her before you know it. Friendship first isn't a bad thing and being shy isn't an awful thing. In fact, those are the people who tend to have the most successful relationships. Stop looking at things as if you have a problem and need to change who you are and start looking at it as you being the good guy girls are looking for. The only thing that needs to change is the "looking for sex" attitude and your lack of confidence in yourself.

[al7]

ShySoul,

 

Being shy isn't something to hate. It's a part of who you are and is something to be proud of. Everything about you is important as it makes you the unique individual you are. So embrace your entire self, provided that part of you isn't dangerous.

 

Guys can develop attraction to a girl later as I've just mentioned. If anything, attraction isn't something you develop it is something that comes naturally. Focus on simply being friends, getting to know each other and enjoying each others company. If things go really well then you'll begin to be attracted to her before you know it. Friendship first isn't a bad thing and being shy isn't an awful thing. In fact, those are the people who tend to have the most successful relationships. Stop looking at things as if you have a problem and need to change who you are and start looking at it as you being the good guy girls are looking for. The only thing that needs to change is the "looking for sex" attitude and your lack of confidence in yourself.

 

1. It seems it is mostly about physical looks, but it is not. I need to see how she talk, smile, her energy level..gestures...then I would be able to say if she is attractive to me. is it more clear?

 

2. interests are cool, but who these days are interested in psychology?

I have gone to psychology club: they talk about their examsclasses, book drive, blood drive, animal shelter and volunteering..etc.

All that cra* that has nothing to do with psychology.

Where would I go? Yoga club? it is good tons of women, but I hate working out, I am in good shape and don't need anything extra.

 

3. Being shy .. is like a pimp on your butt. You can't love it, you just

hate it. But a doctor can remove pimple... how about being shy..

oh well

 

4. Friendship is good, I don't mind. Where would I go and find friends???

 

Please read my post here:

 

link removed

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

 

There are many places u can find women. But cruix is what kind of women u are looking for.

 

If u step into pub, u tend to find people who drinks, who are involved in the meat industry.

 

If u step into church u find gals who are devoted to God.

 

There isnt a best place to meet ur special one, coz it just happen. What i have said are the places u can get to OBSERVE girls, and NOE what kind u want. Girls looking for sex and intimacy only, or gals looking for long-term relationship.

And please drop those terms and conditions such as maturity, good looks, smart, etc, coz we can only have one britney spears in the whole world.

 

And yes, most long-lasting relationships come from frdships, coz they know each other well. Why she is so petty? Why is she so shy? Most of the reasons u will roughly get to know.

 

However u need not fret, coz love happens in many places, and different astounding places, like in the Alps, at Alantic Ocean in a ship cruise. Choose the place u find romantically enough and stay there and mix with people u are comfortable with, and see what it goes. Things turn bad for u, u leave.

It is the same as internet dating, if a guy feels that the person he is talking to isnt a woman but a bisexual, he just carries off his legs.

 

Usually, it is should be someone whom mixes around the same places as u do.

 

HAVE FUN YA!

[Day_Walker]

Potentially you can meet women anywhere. As long as you know what type of person you are looking for, you will be better off. After meeting some women you will figure out the kind of places that have the type of women you are looking for.

[BillyJean714]

The answers will vary, since this is a very subjective matter. Highly depends on the girl's personality. Some chicks actually like meeting guys at places like bars, clubs, etc. Depends on what 'both' people's personalities are like. Me personally, I like meeting guys through my friends. When a guy approaches me in general, I kinda don't give them a chance, because there isn't a level of trust that I see in them. With friends involved, it's different.

 

I love going to bookstores, but even when a guy approaches me there, I don't give out my number. Mainly becasue like I said, it's that level of trust. I don't easily trust strangers, thereforeeee, guys who approach me, have a hard time getting my number, because I won't give it out 9 times out of 10. Only time I actually give out my number to a guy, is when I get to know him as a friend. Maybe a studdy buddy in class or something. But with me, it's not just through any random stranger, regardless of where the place is (work, school cafeteria, etc.)

[al7]

something. But with me, it's not just through any random stranger, regardless of where the place is (work, school cafeteria, etc.)

 

Interesting. If I don't have any female friends it seems I don't have even a chance? oh welll..

[al7]

Maybe that is a good reason to get to know girls you don't find attractive; not only will you gain some friends, but you might meet someone through them.

 

I don't undersandt how: girl are not willing to meet a starnger again.

So I have no chances in real life to meet any girl: pretty or not so much.

What were you talking about?

[Caldus]

Interesting. If I don't have any female friends it seems I don't have even a chance? oh welll..

 

You still have a chance of finding someone special out there for you but it could be a smaller chance.

 

So I have no chances in real life to meet any girl: pretty or not so much.

 

Of course that's not true al7. They are everywhere. Have you tried traveling to other cities nearby your area? Even if you don't meet some girls there then it would be a nice change for you to hang out at the city for a while. Maybe you could find some guy friends around your area too. It doesn't always have to be girls that you meet.

[al7]

Have you tried traveling to other cities nearby your area? Even if you don't meet some girls there then it would be a nice change for you to hang out at the city for a while. Maybe you could find some guy friends around your area too. It doesn't always have to be girls that you meet.

 

I wish I'd have you optimism and live in your area

Yes I did travel a bit, but man you don't want go there..if it is something that qualifies to be a city, usually it either has a quite high crime rate or quite rich\old\snobby people. and people simply do not walk there much, I gotta go inside a bar\club\restaurant. I still have not idea how to make friends at those places. You can drink, eat, but friends?