Gutted ..... Again!

[Hollybobs79]

Actually feel sick to my stomach .....

So me & my LD ex broke up about 6 weeks ago. I did NC for the 1st 3 weeks, then reached out as I heard his mom was ill again.

We've been chatting on & off since, some days quite regularly, some not as much. Anyway, we were due to meet for coffee tomorrow as he's in my area - about an hours drive from me, he'd also offered me a bed as I have a job interview in his area next weekend.

Long story short, he's just text me to tell me he's been asked out on a date, he's not sure if he's going to go as he still has massive feelings for me, but half of him thinks he should because he can't deal with the distance between us (4 states) and thinks he should move on but doesn't want to hurt me, but wants to be up front about it?! ('hey baby, hope you're having a good day so far. Just wanted to let you know I've been asked out on a date. Not sure I'm going to go as I'd feel too bad about you, but you know i can't deal with the distance. Half of me wants to go, the other half is screaming your name at me. I'm letting you know out of respect xxxxxx')

I actually feel sick, I've obviously cancelled the coffee and rejected his offer of a bed next weekend, but why did he feel the need to tell me? Is he keeping me around for an ego boost? I'm wandering around my apartment actually wanting to throw up. I can't text him back because I don't know what to say. 'Yes, I mind, a huge amount!'

I treated it at first like we were just friends, I have a job interview near him which I'd completely forgotten I'd applied for. He was a friend who lives in the area, knows it etc, that was fine. We' been together a long time, but friends for even longer. I text about his mom, we had a day or 2 of back & forth, then I left it. Tried to move on, downloaded a dating app & had a laugh. Then get a text out the blue thanking me for something I'd done to defend him on a thread on Reddit. He then got overly emotional 'I hate we're so far apart, I just want to be with you' etc.

 

I wanted it to be a friends thing, maybe drop each other a text every week or so asking about the other. He turned it into an every day thing again, messaging good morning & good night plus numerous interactions between. He was the one that pushed for coffee because he's missed me and loves being with me. I was still trying to be friendly, not replying for a few hours etc, he'd see id read the message and text again?? Then I get that message out the blue! I feel worse this time than I did after we split 😔

[Cope]

This is why I do not want to contact my ex till I am sure I can handle him talking about another girl.

 

That said, although you wanted to continue as friends, you weren't ready and above all, he was sending some mixed messages with all the good morning /night messages. I find it reasonable for you to start thinking that you might get back together.

 

Cut him off. Be honest, tell him you can't handle being his friend while he's dating yet because you too still have massive feelings about him and go NC. If it's only the distance keeping you apart, you would want to cut it clean so there will be no bad blood between you two so you can possibly catch up once the distance is no longer an issue.

[Tanzi]

There is a reason why people swear by STRICT no contact. If you choose to be "friends" with an ex for whom you still have feelings this is what you are going to have to put up with. It simply doesn't work.

 

I really have no idea why he would tell you that though. That was rather insensitive on his part. Quite frankly, I don't think you should text him anything back. Why bother? What difference are any words going to make? Just go back to NC. I would also avoid having contact with any of his family members. You really aren't going to be able to move on properly all the while you hold onto pieces of his life.

 

This is why I do not want to contact my ex till I am sure I can handle him talking about another girl. .

 

IMO all the while you still want to have contact with an ex you are not in a place where you can handle them being with someone else. When you get to a point where you are completely over them, you would no longer be bothered about having contact with them or, at the very least, be indifferent to it. There is only ever one reason why we want to have contact with an ex ... and it is rarely because we just want to be friends, even though we can convince ourselves that it is.

[Hollybobs79]

That's the thing, we've been part of each other's lives for so long that I wanted the friends thing. Yes, I still have feelings for him, as he does for me, but I just wanted a text every so often catching up. My kids miss him, I miss his kids! It was supposed to be a friends thing only, he turned it affectionate by dropping in 'hey beautiful' 'good night baby, it will be if you're in my dreams!' Etc.

He text me throughout my night out the other night, when I told him a local sports team had turned up, he put '😟😔 bet you're getting loads of attention. The attention I wish I was giving you right now'.

 

I guess I just needed to vent. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. I'm at work in 2 hours, I haven't slept. All because he decided to share he'd been asked out.

[kamurj]

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