Bf won't have sex - advice needed

[Coco01]

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. He's around 10 years older than me and is currently in his early 40s. At the beginning of relationship, the sex was great. He did go through a phase where it was painful for him but that was resolved. For the last 3 years or so, we have been through a number of 'dry' spells and I am usually the one who initiates sex. What hurts the most, is that I know he watches porn and looks at naked celeb pics online. I have asked him about this in the past but he never gives me an honest answer as to why he doesn't want sex.

 

He always says he fancies me and he is affectionate, we do cuddle etc. I'm just frustrated that I am relatively young slim and attractive but he's not that interested. He's currently training for a sporting event so atm we haven't had sex for almost 2 months. I put it down to him being tired but it's not the first time. I would think his sex drive is low but then like I said, I know he looks at stuff and masturbates.

 

Any advice on this would be appreciated as I love him and otherwise our relationship is good but I'm frustrated.

 

Thanks

[Knot2loud]

Well... You said you love him. Are you ready to commit yourself to a sexless life with him? That's the question you'll have to answer for yourself.

 

I will say this... Training will make you tired, but it will not make you tired enough to NOT want or have sex. A person has to be really, really exhausted to not have enough energy to have sex.

 

Your man would rather look at porn and masturbate than have sex with you. That's my opinion.

 

That's unfortunate...

 

I wish you the best.

 

 

EDIT: There may be some underlying psychological factors involved too. Stress would be a huge factor. Past performance another. A bad past relationship. You may want to suggest counseling.

[Wiseman2]

Does he have ED?

I know he looks at stuff and masturbates.

[TMifune]

Is it that he's too tired, or that his coach / trainer is telling him to abstain while in training?

 

I mean, it kinda depends on how you have sex.....if you're expecting him to do all the work and he's been working out all day, I could see why that might be less appealing to him.

 

Tell him you'll do all the work, see what that gets you.

[crowleysgirl]

I went through the same thing in my previous relationship. It got to the point within a couple years that he was never interested in sex, and I would always initiate and get rejected. Tried everything to get him interested, to no avail, and yet he looked at porn all the time. He had no medical issues. I think a lot of it came down to pure, total laziness and the fact that he was much more interested in what he couldn't have than what he did have. Have you talked to your boyfriend about how much this bothers you and what you're feeling/thinking?

[TMifune]

A lot of guys turn to porn because there's no pressure to perform with porn. They don't have to feel like that let you down somehow if you don't have an orgasm. I guess you can call that lazy, but I think almost everything becomes less fun when there's pressure to do it a certain way.

 

Porn can be a problem in and of itself, but sometimes it's just the symptom of a different problem.

[Vegancatlady]

I feel for you, I really do.

My boyfriend is depressed since his father died and therefore we have absolutely so intimacy anymore.

It can be soul crushing and really affects the self esteem.

Definitely talk to him, tell him how sad it makes you.

Tell him you are willing to compromise, try and get him to be honest about why he would rather look at porn.

I know it is easier said than done, I think sometimes my boyfriend would rather stab himself in the eye than talk about relationship issues

Good luck!! x

[TMifune]

It can be soul crushing and really affects the self esteem.

 

Especially if your self-esteem is derived from being the focus of a man's sexual desire.

[Vegancatlady]

Especially if your self-esteem is derived from being the focus of a man's sexual desire.

 

Excuse me?

[mustlovedogs]

It's ignorant to say a partner not wanting sex doesn't or shouldn't affect your self esteem...

[TMifune]

Excuse me?

 

Generic statement, not an accusation.

[Mfic99]

I watch porn but I have never turned down my wife. Try this: ask him what he watches and role play that. The whole point of watching porn for a man is to BE THAT PART, so if you take the fantasy that he is watching and make it real, then you should be good. If he doesn't go for that, you may not have many options left

[Sportster2005]

Try to determine if the underlying cause is him just not being into you anymore. That might have more to do with him, than you. I have nothing against porn, but substituting it for live sex seems off to me.

 

If he's doing endurance training is testosterone might be low. One sign of over training is loss of libido.

 

Unfortunately usually the simplest explanation is the correct one. Might have to think of life with someone more concerned about your needs.