She's not answering, need advice

[ThatwasThen]

TWT, what is your point?

My point is that it doesn't matter that he just started dating her. She has ghosted him now because, IMO, he blew her off for another woman (even if it was just a friend) and he failed to talk to her after they had sex which is insensitive and uncaring. I've said as much in my previous posts so I guess you didn't read the whole thread?

 

My update was directed to the Op, and he knows exactly what I was stating.

and your point is?

 

There are no variables. He just started dating this woman. He was honest in telling her that a female friend was visiting her, and she reacted negatively.

Exactly... and he's wondering why she is reacting negatively and we've all given him good reasons why she probable did. There are many variables or "guesses" that can be applied to why she has ghosted him. If he's smart, he'll not take enabling dialogue into consideration only but learn why else she may have taken his actions negatively.

 

As far as any insensitivity, go back and read what I was responding to. It was only about the part where he tried to set up another date with her, and she never replied back (after he told her about the friend visiting him). That is what I was focusing on. There is nothing in your retort, that relates to that area. So, I disagree on your viewpoint.

That's your prerogative just as it was my prerogative to respond to what you were saying which, IMO, is enabling dialogue that isn't teaching him anything for the future and going forth more dating savvy.

 

Op: Good luck in your next adventure in dating. I hope you've learned some things that will help you to keep a connection going.

[SoulTaker]

My point is that it doesn't matter that he just started dating her. She has ghosted him now because, IMO, he blew her off for another woman (even if it was just a friend) and he failed to talk to her after they had sex which is insensitive and uncaring. I've said as much in my previous posts so I guess you didn't read the whole thread?

 

and your point is?

 

Exactly... and he's wondering why she is reacting negatively and we've all given him good reasons why she probable did. There are many variables or "guesses" that can be applied to why she has ghosted him. If he's smart, he'll not take enabling dialogue into consideration only but learn why else she may have taken his actions negatively.

 

That's your prerogative just as it was my prerogative to respond to what you were saying which, IMO, is enabling dialogue that isn't teaching him anything for the future and going forth more dating savvy.

 

Op: Good luck in your next adventure in dating. I hope you've learned some things that will help you to keep a connection going.

 

The point is that you don't go sleeping around with a man that you don't know, and then expect to be treated like the two of you are "exclusive". She acted casual, and she got "casual". You're coming across as though it touched a nerve with you. It's just another dating experience that didn't pan out.

 

It's also my prerogative to end this discussion. There will be no more updates on my reply that was intended for the Op, and not you (which is allowed by the moderator).

[SoulTaker]

Next time if you sleep with them be clear on what it is....casual, exclusive, whatever etc. That way it won't backfire.

 

Wiseman, I agree. But it should be noted that it goes for both of them. He shouldn't be the only one that needs to be clear.

[ThatwasThen]

The point is that you don't go sleeping around with a man that you don't know, and then expect to be treated like the two of you are "exclusive".

That's where we are in disagreement. I don't think she expected to be treated like they were exclusive. I just think she expected to be treated with care.

 

She acted casual, and she got "casual". You're coming across as though it touched a nerve with you. It's just another dating experience that didn't pan out.

Don't be silly. I've been married for a thousand years. She acted casual and so did he but he is the one here wondering where she went to. Its not her here wondering where he went to. If he had treated her with care and gave her a call in between dates, and didn't blow her off for another woman (even if it was a friend) he would be showing her "care." He asked where she went to and why she's ghosted him and I'm telling him a good guess as to why she has "given him the air" as mom used to say. Casual or not casual doesn't really have anything to do with why the Op is here.

 

It's also my prerogative to end this discussion. There will be no more updates on my reply that was intended for the Op, and not you (which is allowed by the moderator).

No one's debating that.

[JohnnyFranks]

I don't think you did anything wrong in blowing her off, so you could give your over-seas female friend your attention.

 

The date girl is out of line.

[SoulTaker]

He asked where she went to and why she's ghosted him and I'm telling him a good guess as to why she has "given him the air" as mom used to say. Casual or not casual doesn't really have anything to do with why the Op is here.

 

I told you to drop it, but you violated the rules to get the last word in. So let's see here:

 

Yeah, she might have ghosted him, but that's who she's now dating, "a ghost". She's got nothing. She can go home and hug her ghost tonight, and he has someone already to replace her. If we were scoring this, it would be "Jack - 1 & Her - 0".

[notalady]

I honestly don't think OP's done anything wrong in terms of frequency of contact (only to set up dates) and if there's other plans on the weekend, schedule the date for another day. They've been on three dates, why should she get priority over his longer term friends? Having slept together doesn't mean you're instantly in a relationship or that you should change the natural trajectory of the relationship.

 

However I will say that the only thing you did wrong OP, is sleeping with her too early. I perfectly understand her feelings after sleeping with you. Most women feel insecure (even just for a brief few days) after having sex with a guy, especially if the relationship is undefined. They're subconsciously thinking maybe this is it, maybe you have lost interest after sex, so they are hyper sensitive to all the little signs of things might be going bad (any little subtle change in your behaviour, like prioritising your female friend for the weekend, can be taken badly). The longer you date and get to know each other, the more trust is built, especially if you have defined your relationship before sex, it's much less likely for this insecure feeling to arise (or at least not as strong and not for as long).

 

Learn a lesson here OP, jumping into bed too soon can ruin a potentially good thing.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't think he's done anything "wrong" either and, I agree that having slept together doesn't mean anything in terms of who gest priority for his time... I just think that he would probably still be speaking to her if he hadn't of called her until he was actually able to see her. Or, it could be as simple as she didn't like the sex enough to continue on with him and has moved onto someone else. Op called her to set up a date but he couldn't do that date until after the weekend when the other girl was gone. I thinks that gave her enough reason to say pfft.

Op was looking for reason for why she has given him the radio silence those are just two plausible guesses why.

[Tanzi]

I don't think you did anything wrong in blowing her off, so you could give your over-seas female friend your attention.

 

The date girl is out of line.

 

He wasn't wrong for blowing her off (though it wasn't exactly the wisest of choices) but neither was the "date girl" wrong for being wary about being blown off.

[Tanzi]

,

I told you to drop it, but you violated the rules to get the last word in. So let's see here:

 

Yeah, she might have ghosted him, but that's who she's now dating, "a ghost". She's got nothing. She can go home and hug her ghost tonight, and he has someone already to replace her. If we were scoring this, it would be "Jack - 1 & Her - 0".

 

Good grief. What on earth is this? A school playground????

 

So if you're assuming he has a replacement already you must also be assuming it is with said female friend .... which is most probably what this girl probably thought too.

 

Now she's simply stepped away quietly because she saw what she thought was a possible red flag.

[notalady]

I don't think he's done anything "wrong" either and, I agree that having slept together doesn't mean anything in terms of who gest priority for his time... I just think that he would probably still be speaking to her if he hadn't of called her until he was actually able to see her. Or, it could be as simple as she didn't like the sex enough to continue on with him and has moved onto someone else. Op called her to set up a date but he couldn't do that date until after the weekend when the other girl was gone. I thinks that gave her enough reason to say pfft.

Op was looking for reason for why she has given him the radio silence those are just two plausible guesses why.

 

The other thing I forgot to say is, I don't see why the OP feel the need to mention the friend is female? Unless his date actually asked? If information was given without asking, the date might be questioning what he's trying to achieve by revealing this information.

 

I would've just said "I have to entertain a friend visiting this weekend but would love to see you on Monday!" And sound enthusiastic too, to make sure there's no misunderstanding that I am interested and excited to see her again.

[SoulTaker]

,

 

 

Good grief. What on earth is this? A school playground????

 

So if you're assuming he has a replacement already you must also be assuming it is with said female friend .... which is most probably what this girl probably thought too.

 

Now she's simply stepped away quietly because she saw what she thought was a possible red flag.

 

Nah Blue, just keeping score. Women are bashing him because they think that he mistreated this woman. If they took the time to read the original update, this is why she had a temper tantrum.

 

Last time I wrote to her to ask her out I told her I would be a bit busy during the weekend (when we usually see each other) cause a (female) friend of mine was visiting me from abroad. She immediately asked me who she was and if we were just friends and I said yes of course and that she shouldn't worry (which is the truth) and asked her out again for Monday. To which she never replied, and this was three days ago.

 

She freaked out when he said a female friend was visiting him from abroad. He never said that he was sleeping with this friend. He had no idea of what this woman's temperament is, or her jealousy level. Now he knows. He assumed that she could trust him. He was wrong. Until you know a person well enough to get a read on them, you don't tell them your business.

[HeartGoesOn]

Mod Note: Please stay on topic, and avoid turning this thread into a debate.

[Tanzi]

Nah Blue, just keeping score. Women are bashing him because they think that he mistreated this woman. If they took the time to read the original update, this is why she had a temper tantrum.

 

Hmm, I'm still confused. Then again it is early here in the UK. Or maybe I'm just being stupid. ;-)

 

Two things here though. Firstly, having read through the whole thread, I don't see anyone bashing the OP. He asked a question and, given the information we have, he has been given the possible and most likely reasons why. Secondly, I haven't read anywhere about this girl having a temper tantrum. She has seen a possible red flag and decided that she doesn't want to proceed. As I said above, she hasn't caused any drama or said any nasty words.

 

It seems to me that most people are in agreement that the OP wasn't in the wrong ... but at the same time neither was she in the wrong for being cautious. That being said, for all we know it might not have anything to do with that. Maybe she just wasn't that into him. Nevertheless, there doesn't seem to be any more reason to bash this girl than there does the OP.

 

 

She freaked out when he said a female friend was visiting him from abroad. He never said that he was sleeping with this friend. He had no idea of what this woman's temperament is, or her jealousy level. Now he knows. He assumed that she could trust him. He was wrong. Until you know a person well enough to get a read on them, you don't tell them your business.

 

But she didn't freak out. She was wary ... and rightly so. We still don't know anything about her temperament or jealousy levels. Maybe she just has certain deal-breakers.

 

The real issue here is that neither of them know enough about the other and they jumped into bed with each far too quickly. This is what has confused matters for both of them.

[SoulTaker]

Hmm, I'm still confused. Then again it is early here in the UK. Or maybe I'm just being stupid. ;-)

 

Two things here though. Firstly, having read through the whole thread, I don't see anyone bashing the OP. He asked a question and, given the information we have, he has been given the possible and most likely reasons why. Secondly, I haven't read anywhere about this girl having a temper tantrum. She has seen a possible red flag and decided that she doesn't want to proceed. As I said above, she hasn't caused any drama or said any nasty words.

 

It seems to me that most people are in agreement that the OP wasn't in the wrong ... but at the same time neither was she in the wrong for being cautious. That being said, for all we know it might not have anything to do with that. Maybe she just wasn't that into him. Nevertheless, there doesn't seem to be any more reason to bash this girl than there does the OP.

 

"I probably wouldn't contact you again either. You blew her off for another female."

"You likely made her feel undervalued and that you were playing her and she may be thinking she best cut her losses before you shred her."

"Step it up!!!!!! Your actions clearly show that you were not interested in getting to know her."

"Best to chuck a guy early then to get emotionally involved with someone who has raised a red flag or has made you feel unimportant for another woman."

"Maybe we are all wrong then. Maybe she simply didn't like the sex?"

 

You can call it what you want, but I consider it bashing. So, you don't want me to go negative on her, while others sound off on him. I'm not buying it. We'll have to agree to disagree.

 

 

But she didn't freak out. She was wary ... and rightly so. We still don't know anything about her temperament or jealousy levels. Maybe she just has certain deal-breakers.

 

The real issue here is that neither of them know enough about the other and they jumped into bed with each far too quickly. This is what has confused matters for both of them.

 

She did freak out, and stopped seeing him without explaining her reason. she could have easily ask questions such as "was the trip planned before he first came in contact with this dater" (trips abroad are usually planned far in advance). She could had then explained her boundaries (which should have been done before sleeping with him). She could have inquired as to whether he and the friend were romantically involved (get some history on the friend). There were many things she could have done, other than saying nothing.

 

I also pointed out, as you've noted, that they didn't know each other well enough when it happened.

[ThatwasThen]

The bottom line is that the Op has come here for some "guesses" as to why this girl isn't responding to his pursuit any longer. We've given him some reasons why she MAY not want anything else to do with him. That's not bashing, it's answering his question.

[kamurj]

The thread has run its course. Closed.