Need feedback -- Is he troubled or am I wasting my time?

[Mjane]

Hi guys!!

This board just has such great advice from wonderful people that I'm hoping you'll give me a bit of feedback.

I've been dating this guy for about a month now...I know he's one of the ones... I'm a cautious dater.. I never have this feeling about a guy before... I'm not in love or anything.. but I just KNOW this guy and I could have an amazing future.. I know sounds crazy.. I think it's crazy... but here I am, he's 37, I'm 35, and we have a blast in each other's company. He's a bit too laid back as he takes quite a few days to call after dates. Then a few weeks ago he becomes withdrawn and a bit moody. I figure he doesn't want to date me anymore, but he says he still wants to see me. It turns out he's going to lose his job. He also has struggled with depression in the past.

So, I'm trying really hard to give him his space. I last saw him 10 days ago. I wrote him a thinking of you, how are you email Thursday night, but he hasn't responded. He hasn't called either.

I know he must be upset, depressed and struggling here. But I'm feeling a tad insecure as I haven't heard from him. We are only in the beginning stages of dating and he hasn't replied to the email.

Should I hang in there or write him off?

So as a caveat I'm dating other men. Went skiing with one today and have two dates scheduled with two different guys next week. So I"m not sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring... but I do feel he had the best potential... I've already decided the e-mail is the last time I pursue contact with him...

What do you think?

[MsMe]

Please please please proceed with extreme caution. He doesn't answer your email or call? Something doesn't sound right with that. I think its good that you have other dates and not waiting for the phone to ring or the new email to pop up. I wouldn't invest too much into this guy. His company might be great and you might have a good time with him, but there seems to be some larger issues that are going on with him that could adversely affect you. I say keep your options open.

[Mjane]

Thanks for replying Ms. Yes, I agree. I was shocked when he told me he was going to lose his job. The same call he told me he's had depression issues a few years back but he takes medication now.

I almost felt like that was a warning....

So, yes, I'm being cautious. I haven't called, only sent an email... and the only cursory thing is two weeks ago an email I sent went to his spam folder... could have happened again... the only reason I still hang in there is every time I think it's over or I think something negative.. it turns out to be the opposite...

I don't want to jump to conclusions and want to give him space to work out his issues... my fear is it could take months.

[MsMe]

Thanks for replying Ms. Yes, I agree. I was shocked when he told me he was going to lose his job. The same call he told me he's had depression issues a few years back but he takes medication now.

I almost felt like that was a warning....

So, yes, I'm being cautious. I haven't called, only sent an email... and the only cursory thing is two weeks ago an email I sent went to his spam folder... could have happened again... the only reason I still hang in there is every time I think it's over or I think something negative.. it turns out to be the opposite...

I don't want to jump to conclusions and want to give him space to work out his issues... my fear is it could take months.

 

I think it goes back to the investment issue. If he's dealing with mountains of problems, its just a matter of time before you get dragged down into it. I find with situations like this, its best to go with your gut feeling. If you feel like he was giving you a "warning", then don't dismiss it. It's so difficult to let go of the good times and great experiences, but its more painful waiting and hoping that they will happen again (and there are no guarantees it will).

[Mjane]

Yes Ms. That's exactly what I'm doing.. waiting for the good times, the smiles, the jokes, the teasing, playful behavior to come back... How long should I give it?

Because limbo is painful too. And because we haven't seen each other for very long... letting go early is always a bit bette for my heart, but I don't want to give up on him either.

Another problem is none of the other men measure up... I just spent the day skiing with this guy.. it was our third date.. 11 hours together.. we get along fine, have plenty to talk about.. but I realized tonight he doesn't generate any excitement/attraction in me.

[MetallicAguy]

Well, I guess all you can do right now is comfort, I'd also watch out if he has depression and mood swings....not very good thing to be around .

[MsMe]

Yes Ms. That's exactly what I'm doing.. waiting for the good times, the smiles, the jokes, the teasing, playful behavior to come back... How long should I give it?

Because limbo is painful too. And because we haven't seen each other for very long... letting go early is always a bit bette for my heart, but I don't want to give up on him either.

Another problem is none of the other men measure up... I just spent the day skiing with this guy.. it was our third date.. 11 hours together.. we get along fine, have plenty to talk about.. but I realized tonight he doesn't generate any excitement/attraction in me.

 

Something you might want to ask yourself: "what is it that I'm looking for from him?" and "Is he willing/able to give it to me?" The hardest thing to do is to be available for someone who is at the present time seemingly unavailable. At the same time, it might be his lack of availability that might be generating the excitement and attraction. Waiting for the next "emotional high" from this guy might have a greater risk than reward.

[Mun]

Hi there,

Look from what I see this guy has alot going on right now. I would imagine the last thing on his mind is a relationship.. especially if he is losing his job.

 

First I would guess he is probably looking for work, second... he might not feel like he has anything to "offer" you if he is unemployed so he might be struggling with self worth/confidence issues. This is not a good time for him.

 

So I recommend you don't make any decisions right now. Continue to date as you are but don't close the door on him yet... unless you find you can absolutely not deal ( or would rather not) with someone that has occasional deppression--it's your call and your choice.

 

If you feel that he is the one, he might feel this too, give it time. Don't rush anything one way or another. I wouldn't say you are being ignored or rejected, you are just not a priority right now. Once the man gets settled again he may come calling.

 

I hope you get what you want.

[DN]

I agree with muneca. Many men define themeselves by their job and it is humilating for them to lose it -they lose a sense of place, of status and self-worth. And, as muneca says, he probably feels he has nothing to offer - even taking you out on a date would be a strain on finances. And for you to offer to pay would be more humilation. Give him time and see what transpires.

[Mjane]

Thanks everyone.

I came here to profess my anxiety instead of dumping it on him. Sometimes I can't see the forest because those darned trees are in the way!!

I want to be supportive of him without intruding on his space. I guess I'll just have to be satisfied that I'm supporting him in silence!

I'm undecided about the depression issue. I think I'll have to see how that plays out. He says he's taking medication. My friend's boyfriend is also struggling with depression and decided when they first started dating that he wanted to deal with it through therapy rather than drugs. For the first eight months or so she could sense the depression and sometimes see it, but it's definitely faded. They've been together about 1.5 years.

Thanks again for everyone's input. You've been very helpful.

[DN]

Don't forget you can always come back here to vent. As you say, always better to vent on here than stress out the relationship. You can often clarify your thoughts on here because you have to write them down in a way others can understand, and that often helps you understand the problem better yourself.

[Mun]

You're welcome MJane, I hope things work out for you and that he finds another job soon.

 

Hugs