Isolated myself after breakup and never felt better, is this normal?

[Manonajourney]

TDLR at the end if you don't feel like reading

 

I'm 20. Got out of a long term relationship a few months ago. After I was done feeling sorry for myself, I vowed that I would become a better version of myself. I threw myself into my studies, began going to the gym consistently, learned new skills, started reading books to increase my knowledge, you get the idea. But while this was happening, I went into solitude. Never contacted my ex or any of my friends. (Most were mutual) After some time I decided that maybe they were never really my friends. Hardly anyone was there for me after my breakup, I was always the one reaching out to them. I also became paranoid that they were getting closer to my ex and were taking pity on me. I formed this thought that maybe they were nothing but acquaintances the whole time.

 

Now Ive isolated myself from everyone. I formed this thought in my head that I don't know whether it is good or bad. Ive convinced myself that the only person that I can trust, the only person that can make me happy is myself. I've always been someone who was full of love, was loyal, and had values. Despite this, I had nothing to show for it. My ex, who at one point loved me more than the world, who had dreams of marrying me, fell out of love with me and became that typical bar girl who hookups with everyone. My "friends" have all but forgotten me completely.

 

Now, I don't want to say I'm happy with my life, but it feels right. I don't want to make friends anymore, I don't want to date or even get to know a woman for a long time. I have this sour taste after being with so many fake people and giving everything I had, just to make a fool out of myself. I know not everyone is like this, and there are genuine people out there, but I don't see the point of getting out there anymore. I'm getting better grades, I'm becoming more fit, I'm learning new things, and this is all because for the first time, I actually care about myself. Is this normal? Am I going through a phase?

 

TDLR: After my breakup, I realized that no one was there for me, and even someone who you thought was right for you, can leave you in the dust. Made me bitter towards people in general and I've isolated myself from everyone and have been making many improvements to my life. And I've never felt better. Now I feel like I don't need anyone, and making relationships isn't worth it. Is this normal? Or am I going through a phase?

[jennylove]

I don't know, it sounds like you've given up on humanity. Or maybe you are an introvert? I'd also like to ask, are you keeping your hygiene well? apartment is clean? No significant weight gain? Any new medications?

 

I must admit, I, too, just like being home with a book and pet. I enjoy going out for a jog by myself daily and working out, I also take pride in my job and my condo. But at the end of the day, I'd prefer to be alone. This is something new to me, I've always felt extremely lonely when I was single. But as of recently, I've made peace with myself and I enjoy being alone because it's drama free. It's also nice financially. I once googled celebrity recluses to see if any familiar namea popped up and I was suprised at how many well-know Celebs became recluse for reasons unknown. Some were still writing amazing music and starring in films, but otherwise, recluse. It is what it is. At least I'm true to myself.

 

I say just enjoy it as long as you really do enjoy it. Life can change in an instant and you may find yourself in a relationship when you least expect it. One day at a time. Enjoy the journey and enjoy those boks!!

[Manonajourney]

Well yea I guess I've always been more on the introvert side. But I can handle myself well in social situations if I have to. Noted I try to avoid them. I can also be funny and charming once I get comfortable. I'm currently trying to improve my self confidence. In regard to your questions, yup keeping my hygiene up, been losing weight actually since I'm going to the gym, and no medications. And I relate with you a lot actually. I actually used to hate being alone and was very lonely. This might have made me seem desperate or needy and I tried to latch on to friends or a girlfriend so I wouldn't be alone. That was my mistake though, I was relying on others for my happiness. I am now also at peace with being alone. Yea sometimes I wish things were different but the pros are outweighing the cons at this time in my life.

[kbbcoop77]

I was with my wife 24 years and she split 2 years ago, it was hell the first year or so, but now I love my single status, I'm not sure I want a serious relationship again. After we split up the happy times consumed my thoughts but now I remember the arguments and mood swings and blah blah, now it's peaceful and a LOT

CHEAPER!!'

[catfeeder]

Ive convinced myself that the only person that I can trust, the only person that can make me happy is myself.

 

It's fine to create a protective healing bubble of solitude for a while, but consider carefully what you hypnotize yourself to believe.

 

Most people stand back from couples' breakups when they're friends with both people, and whoever demo's that they're open to keeping the friendships by reaching out gets to keep the friends. It could be both people on separate occasions, but if you expect people to declare loyalty by dissing the other, you're being unreasonable.

 

That said, it's appropriate through cycles of life to clear an addressbook of anyone who's been toxic. Just be careful how you define toxic. 'Still friends with an ex' doesn't meet that definition unless they've pointedly stirred things up or otherwise caused you pain beyond the mild discomfort of socializing in a new way minus the ex.

 

If you want to dig yourself into a social hole, you can do that, it's not against the law. I'd just question how cementing a mistrust of All People will serve you going forward. Often times loneliness is not about what we haven't gotten, but rather about what we won't give.

 

During times of grief or stress, I tend to feel better when I start offering my company or my help with projects--whether painting a room, cleaning up a yard or assisting a shopping trip--to others. I allow people to make our visits all about them, not me, and I welcome the opportunity to bond without the need to 'entertain' anybody with a paste-on personality. Sometimes just lending an ear and being gentle with people is the greatest gift I can give to them--and to me.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Manonajourney]

Thanks for your response, it was very helpful. I feel like how I am feeling is only temporary. After being burned and hurt by others before, I need some time to myself to heal and grow confidence before I can allow people into my life again. I agree that I feel good when I help others. Whether I am working with children or volunteering at the retirement home, or just being there for a friend. But I've lost so much and I just need time to figure stuff out, to find out who I am. I admit that I was unreasonable at the start in hoping that my friends would side with me, since they were my friends first. But despite breaking up with me, she's a very personable and likable person. People grew closer to her after we broke up. This summer, I'm going to figure things out. I'm going to reinvent myself. Maybe being a loner is who i am, maybe not, only time will tell. And this a journey I must venture on my own.

[lonerguy]

Going through the same thing but for a different reason. It's been about one year since I finished college, and I have received zero texts, calls, or even facebook messages from "friends." I tried to initiate and invite a couple different people out, some would politely accept then flake out later others wouldn't even respond. I feel so used because these people wouldn't even think twice to call me up past midnight for school work help and I've always helped whenever possible. Just deleted a ton of numbers from my contact list and made me feel better a bit.

[xxyy]

Dude this is what exactly I felt. I did the same exact thing and you know what life never seemed better. Then after a year my Ex pinged me and I lost all my hard work. And here I am after 3 years in a mess. So be strong. You dont have to like everyone. Just remember the people who matter and always take care of them and you will be fine.

[Michele32]

You sound very wise for your age and very mature about the whole thing. I can completely empathize with you because I am going through the exact same thing. There were some people who I thought were my friends who I thought would be there for me but nothing. Another thing that is upsetting is his family. No contact what so ever from them and it stings even more because when he broke up with his girlfriend before me his family was devastated. Said "how could you do this, she's family". So it makes me realize it wasn't as "real" as I thought. I'm very happy for you that you are in a good place and you're right- you are all you need and you can count on! You will learn now to not any expectations on friends because who really know if they will be there and when they're not, you won't be disappointed. Good luck in your growing! You're awesome and inspirational!