Problem with age

[Loster]

Hey guys,

 

If you have some time, please do read my thread and leave any comments on it/my questions, I would really love to know how it feels from someone else's view.

 

Few months ago I met this beautiful girl, we didn't fall for each other immidiately, but over time, we've built something amazing between each other. We work at the same office, so we've been together pretty much all the time, slowly building up our relationship - nothing planned, serious or bad at that point, even though she had a boyfriend. After some more time, we started to meet more often after work and at weekends as well(sometimes alone, sometimes with other good fellas from work), talking, drinking a bit, watching movies and TV series or just having a walk(last twowe only did together).

 

We didn't do anything particularly bad, at most we would stay or sit hugged to each other super comfortably.

Then, some bad stuff happened in my other, friend-relationships, and it wasn't just one thing at once, two of them included being dishonest to the person/people you love. That was a moment I realised I'm stepping on road of a bad person. I had few rough days with myself and she though it's her fault, she kept asking if there's something wrong and how could she help. Eventually, I said I needed to talk - she abandoned her other plans(even tho I told her I can wait) and we went for a tea to the cafe nearby. It was tough at first - I've never been a person who's good at talking about feelings, I can barely get words out of my mouth. It was a case here as well, at first, but once we got more comfortable, we talked, we talked whole evening. After settling some stuff, admiting what we're starting to feel to each other, not without pain I asked to set some lines between us if she's not ready to leave the other guy, she thanked me for being honest and also said that even her longtime(5 years) boyfriend doesn't even try to talk with her, ignores problems and can't tell her he loves her anymore.

 

So we kept on spending time together, doing stuff just like good friends, as we really didn't want to lose what we had between.

... however it lasted only few days... after that we went to hang out at other friend's house as five. While the rest of people drunk wine and talked at the kitchen, we moved to the sofa in the living room(to eat chips ) which was just about 2 meters far. We sat some, ate some, chatted some, watched some TV. Then she put her head on my shoulder, I hug her with my arm and she put hers on my chest, hand by hand, leg by leg, soon we were as close to each other as you can get. It may sound like a moment, but in fact, I think it lasted close to half an hour before we got into possition when our bodies were just... connected and much longer than that we stayed together before we sat back, just clenching more from time to time and "pet"(is that the right word?) each other whole time - without moving to "forbidden" areas at all. It was super intense, it must've been wrong, but it felt just so right... God knows how i kept myself from kissing her(the next day she said she wanted that as well, but she's also thankful I acted like a gentelman...). Then the host came up to us and asked if we want to stay for night, we both said yes... But no, we didn't do it, it wouldn't feel any right considering her situation. We just slept together as spoons for the rest of the night and woke up at morning - we only slept for about 5 hours, yet she said she didn't have such a good sleep in a long, long while.

 

Soon after that, something started to feel wrong between us, I could just feel it. One day, after a bigger "business" outing when I was walking her home I asked her to be completely honest - she said she's having a lot of on her head, that she feels like she's using me, that she already told me that she doesn't believe it will work out because of our age difference(24 and 34) and that she's already thinking of having kids in next few years and just can't go back so long time(she's in relationshop for five years already, they were in love in past, just not anymore), as she's afraid it will turn out similar, just this time it's going to be much, much harder because of the age difference... I asked if she's completely sure about that and she said yes... I still walked her home asking too many questions etc. What we had meant much more to me than "average" betrayal...

Then, eh... I tried to kiss her(i know, pretty pathetic - a drowning man will clutch at a straw) in front of her gate. She didn't want that... "no, sorry, not this way, it's not the right time".

 

We still spend time together after that, but "keeping distance" for few next day so I stopped to stay over hours at work - she stays late almost every day(prefers work than boredom and loneliness at home as her bf just plays some online game and "spending time with him is spending moment or two together then it's just sitting at same home"). Just about 5-6 days after the kiss-tragedy while we were texting on phone, she said they're going to the pub after work and asked me to come as well. I'm super weak for her, so I agreed, just said I need some time to clean up myself as I was just working out a little. After around 30 min I texted her I'm leaving home right now and she said she's leaving soon cuz she got pissed on her friends/our coworkers at the pub... Eh, ok, I said, alright, let's just go home together then(similar way from work to me and to her). By the time I was there, she looked a bit mad, but seemed to already get back along with coworkers(they solve problems quite easily as they know each other for many years now) so I asked if she wants to stay a bit more and I'll order myself a beer(she was drinking tea as she doesn't like to get too drunk and have had 3 glasses of wine before). She said ye, so we were at the pub for 2-3 hours more and it didn't take long time for us to come back to the "hug stuff" again...

When we were coming back, she said she doesn't want me to fully escort her home because of her bf, that it's just not fair. She went out with me on my stop and said she will wait for another tram. We sat and hugged, the destined tram went away as she said "I will go with the next one"(they ride every 10 min at that time). As we sat, I moved my head down to her, she moved hers to me, and we started to kiss.

I'm using you, can't you see that - she said

Don't worry about it now, I'm happy with you, I know what I want and... I'm using you as well... - I replied

We kissed, kissed and touched, everywhere except for what's below the belt and 3 next tramways took off before she went in to the last one there was(it was already 1 am).

 

We did repeat it the next day along with some small, occasional secret kisses during the workday, couldn't see each other on the 3rd day, but we definitely did make up for it day after when we did everything but sex - she said she doesn't want it this way/here(we were at work after hours and acting kinda like animals). I agreed, even tho I would do it right there, right now(she turns me on too much), I definitely wanted that to mean more as well.

 

However, 2 days ago, she moved out of her bf's apartment, told him she needs some time to think. We still did kiss and hug a little, but I could feel it was very different, I could feel doubts that weren't there a day earlier, I asked her if she needs me to step back a little while she's trying to figure all out, she said no.

Then, yesterday she told me... that even if she breaks up with her boyfriend, she is still sure there won't be anything longterm between us just because of the age difference, that I won't feel the way I do right now, she will be older when that happens and she have even less time to make a family, that she feels just bad because of what's shes doing to other people - lying to boyfriend and "using" me while she knows that I do believe there might be something more in that despites of what she says, and that she's not feeling alright giving me that hope while she's sure there's none, regardless of what happens between her and her boyfriend...

 

I told her I will try to keep myself step away until she's ready to decide what to do with the other guy, to not think of me, but of him and her for now. If she decides to not leave him I will back up as I definitelly want her to have what she want - I didn't tell her that. But what if she leaves him? I don't want her to feel bad about what we have and I know that if she will keep on thinking this way, we won't be happy, it won't be real. I really want to fight for her, but maybe I'm just going to hurt both of us if I do as she's this confident it won't work out in longer run?

[Clinton]

So, you had an affair, and the girl likes you as a plaything but not relationship material. You really think that's going to change?

 

You were an emotional crutch for her while she processed a breakup. You aren't her long term companion.

[Clio]

Let it go. The whole thing is too complicated and you are in two very different life stages/phases. She wants to start a family soon and you are too young for that so she is right that there is no long-term potential for you two. Right now you are too infatuated to see things straight but your life goals ARE out of sync. Plus, she is going through the break-up of a long-term relationship which is an emotionally messy complicated process that increases the chances of you being a rebound. Plus, she is a co-worker which can create drama at work. The whole situation is too volatile to work out, therefore it's best to let it go.

[Itsme2033]

I think the other posters have given you good advice. If you are even considering continuing a relationship with her consider the following:

 

1) Are you ready, right now to decide that you want to have kids with a woman that you just met a few months ago? If not, you must let her go. She's begging you not to waste her time, only to decide later that you're not ready for kids.

 

2) She cheated on her boyfriend of 5 years with you. I realize that she didn't have intercourse with you, but what the two of you did is still cheating. You've probably heard the old saying that "If she'll cheat with you, she'll cheat on you." Are you fully prepared to enter a long-term relationship with a woman who is a cheater and who will probably cheat on you one day?

 

3) You said "She is still sure there won't be anything long-term between us just because of the age difference." I think she is warning you that she will probably break your heart if you pursue a relationship with her. At the very least, she is asking that you reassure her that the age difference won't matter at all to you.

 

4) This will be a rebound relationship, and those rarely work out.

 

There's a lot of emotional danger here, and the reward is probably not worth the risk, and you should just slowly back away. Be kind and gentle in the process and look out for yourself always.

 

Having said all that, if you still decide that you are going to pursue a relationship with her, I suggest a change of tactics. You said "I told her I will try to keep myself step away until she's ready to decide what to do with the other guy, to not think of me, but of him and her for now." I tried something like that once in a situation that had some similarities to yours, and it failed miserably. If you want her, and you really don't care about all the reasons that I gave you to not pursue this, you should pursue her in an active, not a passive way. Call her up and let her know clearly that you want to be with her, that you are willing to take the risks, and that you want to have kids with her if that's what she wants. Let her know that you are not pressuring her in any way, but you are there for her when she needs you. If it scares her away then you would have lost her anyway no matter what you did.

 

But really your best bet is just to back away slowly.