Communication concerns... is he busy or not interested anymore?

[mrazxo]

I'm not really sure how to summarize our relationship so you have the background information that you need. We've had something between us since we were 15 and we are both now 23, but it's never been an official relationship. It's hard to explain, but it's never been the right time for either of us.

 

We've both been away at school in separate cities for years. I have recently moved home and transferred universities to finish school and he is graduating in April. Our relationship has been a constant through these years. He has not dated anyone seriously, but I have been in two serious relationships. One which was very abusive, and one that was seemingly healthy for a year but ended in October (he had been cheating on me and broke up with me to be with the other woman and I did not find out until months after the fact). Before entering my last relationship, he told me he wanted to be with me but because he has played way too many games with my heart, I told him it wasn't fair for him to be sharing these feelings with me after I told him I finally met someone who treated me properly (clearly at this time I did not know that I would end up being cheated on).

 

I have expressed multiple times over the years that I wanted to be with him, but he said that the long distance would not work for us. I've had my heart broken multiple times by him and I've cut contact with him for months at a time, but he always finds his way back into my life. I feel like I have been the girl that is willing to do anything for him no matter how he treated me and I've let him walk all over me countless times.

 

When my last relationship ended, he told me again that he wanted to be with me. It was too soon for me to enter into another relationship, but I was thrilled that the guy I've been head over heels for for years finally wanted to make things work. We continued to talk and I quickly found myself falling for him for the 100th time. Over the Christmas holidays we agreed to "test the waters" and he expressed that being in a relationship scared him immensely. Since this talk, our communication has been lacking. We used to text all the time, now we barely do. We see each other when we can, and he comes home every two weeks or so. We've had a difficult time with this transition, but I find myself wondering why we aren't talking like we used to. He tells me he's extremely busy with school, but is it really that difficult to text someone? He has plenty of time to go out drinking with his friends, but not much time to talk to me. I find my mind wandering and I do not want to be too needy, but it's really been upsetting me. I cried when he left my house last weekend but I did not share that with him because I knew we would go back to not talking as much. I try to keep it cool and act like I'm fine, but I am a wreck. I'm trying to emotionally distance myself from him, but I do feel like I need to talk to him about where we stand in our relationship. Am I over-reacting to the lack of text messages? When I mildly voiced this concern with him a month ago, he said he would rather phone calls be our primary form of communication, but he never calls me, nor do I call him. There will also be days where he will message me nonstop, but the conversation quickly falls to nothing. We never say goodnight like we used to.

 

I also feel as though we play this stupid game of trying to make each other jealous. We've been doing it for years and I'm aware that it's extremely childish, and I need it to stop. I blatantly look away from his phone when he opens it beside me, but when we were out for dinner one night he was showing me something and opened his texts and it was just a list of girls. He wasn't trying to hide anything either, and the name of the girl that I know he used to sleep with was right at the top, also in his phone history. They have many mutual friends at school and I know I can't stop them from being friends, but it makes me a bit uncomfortable because our communication has been slim. I just don't want to come off as a crazy over obsessed person, but I feel like I'm losing it. I almost feel as though the trust issues that my last relationship created are still really affecting me and I need to deal with them on my own, rather than taking them out on him, so I have kept my mouth shut. I still feel like I need him to reassure me that we are indeed together - but I'm scared that once again he is going to break my heart. He is supposed to be coming home to spend the night with me tonight and I know that I really want to have a serious talk, but I don't know how to bring anything up, or if I should just continue to distance myself.

[ssgirl1010]

You are both playing with fire.

 

You are getting overly anxious because he is doing things which he knows - consciously or subconsciously - will create a very strong emotional reaction in you.

 

You both need to be apart from each other.

 

You play with fire when these games are played.

 

You lose a bit of your soul when you end a relationship like this.

 

Surround yourself with loved ones, family, friends, take up a new hobby because you will need to stay busy, and please stop contact with him.

 

If the two of you are really meant to be, you can be when both of you are independent emotionally.

 

You can do this. You realize it is not a healthy relationship. It makes you anxious. Zaps your energy. Doesn't let the real you, shine through. Don't live like that for another day.