Please I need advice.

[Tm716]

I was with my ex husband from the time I was 16 until I was 28. We had two kids, bought a house and all. He was my best friend and the love of my life. However, he was bipolar and could be abusive both verbally and physically. Never a punch or anything but non the less he was physical. I finally left and it was so bad, it destroyed me for a long time and I'm not sure I'll ever fully be the same person again. Fast forward. He has a baby, a new girlfriend but still loves me very much. He is not abusive anymore from what I've seen in the past 2 years. Me leaving him destroyed him and I believe that's that opened his eyes. He always asks if we can try and work things out. I do love him and miss him very much and I miss my little family. Now, I currently have a boyfriend who I have been with for 1 1/2 years and he's amazing. He helps me financially but I do pay him back, he asks about my day and really listens, he rubs my back, cooks for me and cuddles me and all. However, he was hurt very badly in a past relationship which he still keeps in contact with this girl even though she has moved across the country. I don't like it and I don't think he's fully over it and I've caught him lying about keep in contact many times. I stay with him 3-4 nights out of the week. He is not involved with my kids very much at all. He told me he's falling for me and has strong LOVE feelings for me, I'm the best gf he's ever had and so forth but being as he has strong love feelings for me he will not say I love you and dismisses (ignores me) most of the time I say it to him. He said he's not in love with me yet and that he's not sure he ever will be. He thinks he is broken. He says this girl is this terrible person but yet he kept her Christmas card she sent and hid it from me but I found out because I seen it in his dresser, he added her in Facebook but not me, however he has posted pics of him and I on there. He is affectionate on his own terms. He says I'm being drama if I try and express my feelings of how I'm terrified he will never love me because I'm madly in love with him. He says I can leave or stay but if or when he comes around it'll be on his terms. I respect not pushing him but he gives me very high hopes and then takes it back. Like he said he was falling for me and I said 2 weeks later " if you're so afraid of never falling in love again then why did you tell me your falling for me?" His answer "I didn't say I was falling in love I just said falling for you" I asked him to explain and he never answered me. He tells me I'm showing him how to love but then one day he'll say he doesn't believe in love. He tells me wait it out and he will get there then later says actions speak everything, he'll probably never say I love you because they are just words. He's all over the place. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm 30 years old and he's 31. He's never moved out of his parents house, no kids or anything. He as with his ex for 8 years. I've caught him in lies about the absolute dumbest things ever. I'm so scared I'm wasting my time but I'm scared I'll make a huge mistake if I leave because he shows me he loves me but denies being in love and I need that love, he claims I'm shallow for wanting to hear it when all of his actions show it but then in the same breath he says he's not in love with me and he just loves me in a sense.. Now, I love 2 guys.. My ex husband who I'll always care for and my current boyfriend but I know id chose my bf now if he loved me the way I loved him but he doesn't and acts as if he never will. But my ex husband I do love so much and he was my life for 13 years and he's a great father and he truly loves me and accepts everything about me and I know my future would be ok with him. I'm so confused I could scream. How can you love two people and be this confused. They both have great qualities and bad qualities. I'm just terrified I'll make a mistake. My boyfriend does not like to communicate about feelings and he gets very upset and trust me I have tried a million times. Please I need advice.

[bulletproof]

I disagree that you're in love. I think you're afraid of being alone, because you now have two seemingly unhealthy relationships under your belt.

This can't possibly be good for your children. Have you considered trying to be single and perhaps seeing a therapist?

[Tm716]

I go to therapy but I'm thinking I need a new therapist. I don't think she's skilled enough for me, she's very young. And you're right i am terrified of being alone. But I do truly love both of them. It's very hard to explain. I love them both for different reasons but I do love them. However, I love my boyfriend a bit more in a sense because he is a great guy to me and I want a future with him. I hate that I question myself. I feel I've been lost for 2 years and I can't find my way out.

[Tm716]

Also, as for my kids they don't see nor hear any of this. They have no idea. Their father and I don't speak about this stuff in front of them nor do my boyfriend and I.

[reinventmyself]

First off. Baby Daddy hasn't changed. He's still bipolar and has rage issues. He may be able to control them better or maybe he and his current gf have a dynamic that doesn't trigger the rage. But don't fool yourself that he's a different man.

 

Guy #2 keeps you at arms length while go out of your way to win his love like it's a prize. He has also proven that you cannot trust him.

Yet he continues to lies to you, repeatedly about another woman no less, and you still stay on his terms while gets to decide that someday he might love you. OR maybe not.

 

I say throw them both back. Spend some time on your own raising your kids.

Get clear with yourself before you date again and make better choices.

 

. .and your kids may not `hear' any of this but they are exposed to it and do pick up things whether you are aware of it or not.

[reinventmyself]

He is not involved with my kids very much at all.

 

So he's not sure he wants to be with you and he's also hedging on the kids?

Add in he's 31 and still lives at home.

You have a responsibility to your children to make healthy choices about who you bring into your life and ultimately theirs.

[bulletproof]

But I do truly love both of them.

 

So basically you love a guy who's been abusive to you, and a guy who says he's not in love with you and lies to you?

Think about that.

And don't kid yourself about what your children know and don't know. They see how these men treat you, and honestly, it doesn't sound too good. For a boy, it's a lesson in how to treat women, and for a girl, it's a lesson in how to expect to be treated.

[reinventmyself]

Just curious. . .What advise if any is your therapist giving about all of this?

I put myself in your place, having shared all this with my therapist and I reel at what I would imagine his response would be.

[Tm716]

Well firstly, I'm never around my ex husband and my children together. If I see him it's in passing when he gets the kids. We do not speak nasty or overly friendly. We discuss the boys and smile and say good bye, we always have since we have learned to stop being angry at each other nearly 2 years ago. As for my current boyfriend, he's never around my children because he works 10 hour shifts 6 days a week. I never speak about my problems in front of my kids, ever. My boyfriend I do agree, basically makes me try and win his love like a prize so it seems. I do know fro speaking to his family with out him knowing that he was hurt so bad and has a hard time trusting and getting close but this is just getting ridiculous in my opinion. As for my ex husband, yes he is still bipolar but I do know that he went through counseling and the current girlfriend of his is not a very nice person and I know for certain that with the mouth on her, and his track record he would of been abusive by now and in jail because she wouldn't tolerate it. And please I don't need to be bashed. I'm coming here for advice and I appreciate everyone's opinions but don't belittle me and judge my parenting. I keep everything from my kids and never do I show distress about any of this in front of them. I know better than that and they've been through enough.

[Tm716]

As for the therapist, she said I should write pros and cons down and they I should continue going to the gym because it helps me with stress. Some help huh?

[bulletproof]

And please I don't need to be bashed. I'm coming here for advice and I appreciate everyone's opinions but don't belittle me and judge my parenting. I keep everything from my kids and never do I show distress about any of this in front of them. I know better than that and they've been through enough.

 

Nobody's bashing you or your parenting. You're considering getting back with a known abuser, and you're considering staying with a guy who wants nothing to do with your kids. They just don't sound like very healthy choices for you or your children.

[reinventmyself]

You have a responsibility to your children to make healthy choices about who you bring into your life and ultimately theirs.

 

I didn't see this as bashing.

I think it's a universal view that all mothers can agree to agree on.

 

And I commend you for keeping them separate but kids will pickup on your distress. . no matter how good you think you are at hiding it.

Again, not bashing. It's just how life works.

[Tm716]

I agree it doesn't sound good but my boyfriend does work a lot. When or if he gets a chance he will take us out to dinner or to batting cages or whatever else but it's far and few in between. And as for my children's father, weather we are together or not they are around him. He's never been abusive in front of them a day in his life. Not to say we haven't argued or him and his current gf haven't but physically no.but knowing the type of person he was compared to what I see now, I do see a huge change in him.

[reinventmyself]

haven't argued or him and his current gf haven't but physically no.but knowing the type of person he was compared to what I see now, I do see a huge change in him.

 

Maybe, maybe not.

But from the looks of it, he's not available.

[Tm716]

He wants to leave his gf. He isn't happy and he tells me he loves me and wants his family back. He got his gf pregnant very fast. She was on birth control and still got pregnant when they were only together 3 months so he stayed with her because he cares for his baby.

[Capricorn3]

he was bipolar and could be abusive both verbally and physically. Never a punch or anything but non the less he was physical. I finally left and it was so bad, it destroyed me for a long time and I'm not sure I'll ever fully be the same person again.

Please read the above several times. Absorb it. Things got so bad that it destroyed you and you'll never fully be the same person again". That is HUGE! WHY would you even contemplate going back to that? If you believe he has changed, you are being very naive. People like that don't change, unless they have been in therapy and on medication for many years and even then, it's usually only a temporary change.

 

You've had two unhealthy relationships. Neither one is good for you. Time for you to stay away from relationships for a good long while and take care of yourself and your children. You need to be in a better, healthier mental state, before even thinking about a relationship, and definitely NOT with either of these two current guys.

I think being single for a year or two will do you and your children the world of good. Therapy would be a very good idea too.

[Tm716]

Thank you. I agree some what about my ex. That's my major concern and ice told him before i would ever go back, we'd have to be friends for a long time because I wouldn't jump in to that. My major struggle is my current bf. He treats me with love by his actions but he's terrified to fall in love or idk maybe he can't admit he is because that would be showing a weakness but I'm struggling to let go. It's sooo hard. I love him and he's really had major progress in the past year but we can't get over that hump.

[Tm716]

I don't mean what he destroyed me, it killed me to leave him and walk away. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

[bulletproof]

He wants to leave his gf. He isn't happy and he tells me he loves me and wants his family back. He got his gf pregnant very fast. She was on birth control and still got pregnant when they were only together 3 months so he stayed with her because he cares for his baby.

 

So you want to be with a guy who is currently being very deceptive and disrespectful to his current gf?

Sounds like he's unable to be single as well.

This all sounds like a potential mess.

And again, while your children may not be present for things like fighting, etc., they're still seeing mommy and daddy together, then not together, then daddy with someone else and a new baby, then you with a boyfriend, then daddy's back, and on it goes. This is confusing and disruptive for them and your ex's other child as well.