Years of partner abuse, my emotions are shot and all over the place.

[aleeh]

Dated someone for nearly 4 years. He was abusive. The first year it verbal comments. Always made comments about me being on social media, or saying I was trying to dress like a "". Then it was physical and verbal. Called me es. Told me I didn't mean anything. I wouldn't find anyone better. If we argued, no matter how small or trivial, if I didn't agree with what he said, he would claim I was going against him, talking down to him, or not understanding. And would call me a , knock something of mine over, bump me as he acted like he was walking pass, or would get up in my face and shove his thumb into my chest or head til it hurt.

 

Then when I would respond by pushing him away, telling him to pick my stuff up, or asking him who he thought he was talking to, he'd get more worked up and that's when the physical stuff would start. Slung around. pinned down. choked. Hit all over. You name it.

 

When I tried to retaliate to defend, I either got held down on told not to try to be calm or cry now, or it'd make him more angry and I'd have to tried to hold him to stop. Then each time he would calm down, i usually was crying, he'd apologize or leave, but in both instances before he did either, he'd tell me it was my fault for making him like that. He doesn't like getting like that. I'm the only one who does make him that way. He has to defend himself. I hit back to so it wasn't just his fault. If he had to change then I needed to change so I didn't make him mad. And If I ever tried to leave or threatened to break his stuff like he did mine or tell him I'd call someone, he'd just laugh, plead for me not to go, or get mad and tell me to try if I wanted.

 

He's broken it off with me randomly just to find he wanted to mess with someone else and then comes back within a month. Happened twice, along with him flirting with ppl online messaging people.

 

Now here recently he pulled the "I just need to be on my own" randomly again and I found out again it was for a girl. That he had worked with in the first year of us dating. Post snaps with her in it. I didn't say anything this time. Just felt in a way numb to it. Baffled me simply because she was the opposite of what he'd nag me about not being. It made me angry, because I felt like no one knew what he had did to me, no one ever saw, and somehow he always ended out on top and happy and chillin with the next person. But i chalked it up to it being all my fault and let it go. Until I went home to my parents and broke down. I told everything just about. They told his parents but he still seems to be unbothered by it.

 

 

And now here I am, feeling relief to let it out and let it go. But at the same time I think I'm struggling with forgiving myself for staying around that for so long, for being weak. And my heart is battling my mind in trying to understand that there was no love in that relationship, but my heart feels like it was. And on paper he wasn't a good person to me, but then again my mind recalls good moments and again it's like my heart won't let me accept painting him in such a bad way.

 

But I know I can't believe all of that. So how do I stop? Has anyone felt this? And before anyone attempts to say it, yes I know I was crazy not to leave before hand. But I was in a certain state that made it hard. And I can't change it now, I can only recognize and learn. I just want some genuine insight.

 

I know it's a lot

[Hollyj]

Have you sought counseling?

[gone]

Hey you know that it doesn't feel good - it's kind of like a surgery you go through where the pain you feel gets worse before it gets better. There are and will be times it feels like it won't ever get better and your life is irreversibly changed. But, it's not. Things won't go back to being the same, yes, but underneath it you have the opportunity to change yourself and become a survivor. It's a long journey, but once you leave behind the trash (him), you'll be well on your way.