Male Friends

[Wyatt]

All right, I'll try to keep this manageable. There's a lot more to this, but here are the main issues:

 

My girlfriend has a lot of guy friends. When we met over a year ago it bothered the hell out of me, but since then I've met most of them and hung out. For the most part it's fine. Not that I entirely love the fact that she perfers hanging out with them rather than women, but I can understand it. She is a very attractive girl and I would be naive to assume men won't talk to her and flirt a little. Yes, my insecurities get the best of me and that is a huge problem right now, but I'm doing the best I can to just be OK with it all, but it is very difficult, which brings me to the real issue.

 

She has this one guy "friend" whom she rarely talks about, but calls and receives calls from every now and then. When we first began dating they talked more often, but it became less frequent in the last six months. But, two weeks ago she said she wanted to go out with her friends (male and female) to the bar where this guy worked (without me, at her request) and I just played it cool since It had been a while since she had gone out. I didn't want to assume or overanalyze anything. However, since then, he started calling again.

 

The first time was on Valentine's Day and now again a couple of day's ago he called again, and now she called him last night. (Don't ask me how I know all this either because she never tells me that she has spoken with him.....ever. No, I'm not proud of myself for snooping). I know they "dated" before, but she never said so (I overheard a conversation once). He's a "friend". The worst part about it is that I have no reason whatsoever to think anything is going on. We are together a lot, and the nights we aren't, she calls and everything is fine. I know she thinks about marriage, but I just can't get over the fact that she won't tell me anything about him when she talks about everyone else.

 

So, what I guess I'm asking is this: I know somebody out there has had a similar situation, so I'd like to know how he/she dealt with this paranoia, or, was there actually something to all of it?

 

I've always had anxiety and depressive issues, but it's been getting worse lately. Half my time is spent brooding and overanalyzing her relationship with this guy. Just a note, I saw a doctor and I am taking medication to alleviate my anxiety, but it's early yet. I know that I am being too paranoid, but venting like this helps since it's been building up for so long. Anyway, I'd appreciate any thoughts.

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

I really feel that once a person is in a committed relationship that they should stop hanging out with friends of the opposite sex. I know that when I find a girlfriend, I am going to stop spending time with friends who are girls. It would be cheating, in a way. Even now I prefer to make friends with girls who are single rather than with girls who are in a relationship. Of course when you first to get to know someone it is hard to know if they are in a relationship. But even so, its better I think to stay clear of that situation. There are just too many opportunities and temptations to cheat, and too many misunderstandings that might happen.

 

If this really bothers you, tell your girlfriend. If she cares about you, she should sacrifice these friendships for your sake. Just like you would be expected to make sacrifices for her because you love her. Love requires giving up things that are important.

 

Don't let this situation gnaw you up. Tell your girlfriend how you feel!!!!

[vhshowdown]

Wyatt, I know exactly what you are saying. My last gf of over a year, (who I am trying to get back with actually) was the same way. Almost all her friends are dudes. She is very very attractive and petite, so guys look to flirt with her all the time.

 

Most of the time, I knew she was with me, like she loves me and I was confident enough to know I am her man. The times I wasnt sure about what was going on, I wanted to snoop and follow her, etc... I did snoop a little too. I would feel very insecure about it, like you said. When the insecurity would kick in, I would try to hold on too tight to her. Well, I dont think that was a good idea. Then my mind would start to wonder, and I would start to analyze what she said, see if the wrong word goes in the right ear...

 

Well, it eventually became an unhealthy relationship for both us. She became afraid to tell me stuff that was going on, and we started talking less and less. Eventually to where we had a fight and she called it quits.

 

I guess what I am saying is, if you love her, which I assume you do very much, give her some space, be yourself, continue to be open with her and talk, dont accuse her of wrong doing.

 

Now, I dont know, but I have been thinking of stuff to get her back. Not make the same mistakes twice, etc. But it did cross my mind that maybe I wasnt giving all that she needed or something, so now I am trying to show her that I want to fill those voids she has... Not to be everything for her, but give her emotions, or humor, or whatever, that I didnt always give before. Does that make sense?

[tiger_lilies]

I understand where you're coming from. I have many male friends as well, but that's what they are, friends only. Whether or not they have any special interest in me or even if they flirt a little, it's really out of my control.

 

If you show jealousy and are constantly insecure about this, then it will be a turn off to your girl. This is how I feel when I come accross jealousy issues with my past boyfriends. Yet, I have never had any of my past ex's complain to me about my male firends because I've always had my attention focused on my guy. Besides, I have nothing to hide when it comes to my male friends.

 

It doesn't sound like your girl is doing anything to cause you to feel insecure, you admit in your post that you know this is your own insecurity.

 

I'm sure you've communicated your feelings to your girl and I'm sure she's understanding about it. But if I were her, I'd be quite upset if you asked me to stop hanging out with my male firends. Why? Because you would be limiting my freedom.

 

As you get more serious, perhaps these male friends will start to fade, as I've noticed when I'm in a serious relationship, but they are always right there when the relationship is over and they still continue to be my

friend(s), which I find very comforting and cared for...because they are my FRIENDS.

[arwen]

Personally, I don't see why it would be cheating when you are in a relationship AND seeing your friends. They are friends, and probably you have known them longer than you know your partner. I have had issues with the girlfriends of my male friends before, yes. I almost lost some very good friends, but in the end we managed to all be friends, I would invite the girls to my birthday and so on.

 

I would feel really restricted and suffocated when my man would forbid my friendships with men. Plus, I would be hurt by the fact that he didn't trust me. In the end, I will always introduce my friends to my boyfriend, and hope they get along very fine.

 

Friends are for me independent from gender. I chose friends because there is a certain thing that I share with them. My male friends are mostly from my studies, and since I do a very specialized study, it is really nice to be able to talk with them. After all, they would never be more than friends to me, so what would be the problem?

 

This does, however, not mean that I don't understand your feelings. I would have similar feelings if my guy would hang out with a girl more than usual, and especially on v-day. I would always tell my boyfriend about who I see and when, and he would be free to come along. I think that is the difference... your girlfriend is not completely open to you, which makes you insecure about things.

 

Love is not logical or rational, although there is really nothing to be concerned about, your mind can do crazy things. I spent a lot of time in previous relationships worrying sick about exactly the same thing. But it was MY problem. My exes were always open about who they were seeing and never cheated on me. I knew that this worrying mind of me, would worry anyway about anything. I have a history of depression and anxiety disorders, and take Efexor at the moment. I must say, I feel much better on the medication.

 

My question for you is, do you think you are a worrying person regardless of the things that are happening in your relationship, or do you think that you wouldn't worry at all if your gf would just hang out with men?

 

Ilse.

[diverp]

I have a somewhat similar situation. My now fiancee has a good handful of friends of both genders. I knew this when we started dating and living together. She had gotten out of a couple of bad relationships over the last 5 years and had moved back here over a year and a half ago since she is from here, after having broke it off with a guy who is a bit older than her. SHe had these two past boyfriends who she had broke it off with as well as a couple of boyfriends she told me about here who she had broken it off with. Well, first, she still stays in contact a bit with the most recent boyfriend who she broke it off with. Now, I will give her this, she asked me if I was ok with him calling at our house and I told her that I totally have no problem with her talking to anyone, however, it makes me uncomfortable that someone she broke up with is still good with calling her up on a frequent basis. This came after an evening slip of the tongue. One night we had a few drinks at a party and started talking about sex a little bit. Well, somehow the topic came to kinky things. She asked if I had ever had a 3 way with someone, and I told her I hadn't. She then gives up the information that this one guy who she lived with before and her and his ex girlfriend had a 3 way but it meant nothing because at that point, she had no feelings for him. That I don't understand, call me naieve. The problem with that is that she had been talking with this guy the last couple of weeks helping him try to find a rental property in the town we live while he lives 4 hours away. I flat out told her that every time now I hear his name said, I have this mental image of what she told me. She didn't realize that and appologized.

 

She emails some friends, a few of which are guys. She mentions that I am much nicer and "the one" to them, when I know that she had dated at least one of them. I am flattered that she would say that, but why even bring that up to someone else who you had dated.

 

What I am getting at is that, at least in the case of my fiancee, she seems to think that guys can just pass off a relationship like that with old dates. I for one can do that as long as it is not thrust in my face. My issue is that she may be naive enough to think a guy calling her up who she had dated in the past will just want the pure intentions of being her friend, but as being a guy, I know that a guy's intention, somewhere along the line or deep down, will be that his relationship with her is an "open door" of sorts and should anything go wrong or we have an argument or something and he knows about it, he can have a chance with her. Now, I know that is very pescimistic of me but I have had 3 girlfriends who I have given more than enough the benefit of the doubt with stuff like that and have been burned. My suspicions have always been right with that. So, I always trust my gut from now on. I flat out told her I am not very comfortable with the kind of relationship she has with her exes. SHe reassures me that she loves me all the time. One thing that backs up my argument a little bit is that after she had told her ex about us moving in together, then getting engaged, he all of a sudden called only once a month, if that and was very short with her when he did. Would a guy who had no feelings for her other than hoping to have her back get upset over our good news and reduce the contact with her? It just seemed to me that he got his feelings hurt and backed off because he not seeing any kind of relationship he liked with her happening again.

 

I had a couple of discussions with her and we agree with each other. I mean, I have been contacted by old girlfriends before (even since we have dated and gotten engaged) and I tell her about it, but I tell them that our relationships are over and that I would rather not have contact with them because it makes my fiancee uncomfortable. My fiancee did get uncomfortable when an old girlfriend emailed me and asked how things were going. THis is what kind of got her to see how it feels like when an ex trys to keep contact with a significant other. Since then, she sees how that was affecting us and ever since, we have been really good. We never really had a problem to be honest, we just had that one bump in the road and being honest with her made the difference. However, it is all up to the person as to if they are wanting to be honest or hear about what is bugging you. It is a crap shoot. If you tell her it bothers you and she truly wants to be with you and is conscious of your feelings on the subject and wants to make you happy, then she will appreciate your feelings. If she does not want to keep your feelings in mind and gets upset about discussing it, well, maybe that is a good sign not to move on. I don't mean to be kind of a downer, but that is essentially how I handled it with my girlfriend. I felt that if she cared about my feelings and loved me then she would appreciatet the honesty, at least to talk about it. If she had a problem with it, well, things could have gone a different direction, not one I would have wanted. It is a gamble, but it does tell you more about your girlfriend and her real feelings for you.

 

After all, if you are a couple, and even thinking about being married or anything, it would only get worse after marriage if she didn't care enough about your feelings enough to at least discuss it.

 

Good luck.

[BrwnAyz]

When I started dating my ex-bf I had many guy friends. When he and I decided to get serious and exclusive we sat down and discussed things. He told me that he didn't believe in second chances when it comes to cheating, its unacceptable. He told me how he felt about the guy friends I had and the guys that called me. He told me that although it was possible in some situations, most times guys and girls can't be just friends, because there is always some kind of feeling there. The feelings usually brought out when the people are drinking or partying.

 

I was offended at first but then I put myself in his shoes. I realized what he was saying. I thought about the guy friends that I had and yes in fact I could see things happening between us in those types of situations. So because I loved my bf I cut out the problematic guys, I kept my best friend because he's like my little brother. Things went so smoothly in our relationship compared to others I had been in.

 

You need to talk with your gf and tell her how you feel. I know that when my bf told me things would be over if anything happened, it made me think a lot differently, because I loved him so much. If your girl truly loves you and wants to be with u and only u, then she'll have no problem. If the opposite is true, then consider yourself saved from future heartache.

 

good luck in whatever u decide to do, i hope it works out for u

[Cecelius]

Your post has a ton of issues in it, some of which can be dealt with in some due diligence:

 

1) has she ever cheated on anyone?

2) has she hooked up with any of these guys?

3) How old is she

 

Those are fact questions.

 

As to you, there is a difference between being insecure, which you may be, and not hiding the ball on yourself. You need to work on your personal, legitimate confidence. Aside from that, no matter what she ever does, NEVER let it seem as if it gets to you. Before too long, it won't.

 

On to her. I have known different women in my time who had a lot of male friends. In my experience, they are either completely cool people where there was no issue that they would act out at all, they were emotionally needy women who needed male attention to exist (HUGE red flag) or they were tremendously naive women (HUGE red flad). You know her best, so decide accordingly.

 

The naive women are shocked to hear that their male friends would jump into the sack with them. Whether they sit around and salivate over your girl or not, most men have been in a situation where they got a little drunk with a female friend and tried something, usually with some success. The emotionally needy women often are far too interested in whether these guys want her. But most importantly, your g/f, alone or in a group of men, will get hit on by one of them if she hangs around with them long enough and where there is booze involved. Is she the type who can shut it down, or is she the type who doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings?

 

She is your g/f, so she should generally not be hanging out with a man other than you alone. Otherwise it is disrespectful.

 

Hanging in a group seems fine too, though its odd that she told you not to come.

 

A woman who is hiding a man from you/cheating on you will either throw him in your face so that you always knew about him (and didn't object so its your fault) or keep him completely quiet.

 

Above all, while you have these opinions, you do not act as if anything she does (unless it is disrespectful) injures you. Have your own friends, make a lot of female friends and hang out with them (not as a ploy, but because its clear she's not into the relationship enough to get out of some of the hang out culture).

[Bibora]

Happened the same to me. One of the reasons we broke up. In my case was almost to bare the fact that she would hang mainly with guys. Including sort of flirting... 90% of her friends are male. And the female friends she has, are only over the internet. Although she always said she was loyal, and also her ex told me the same, i felt like it was really weird on me. The conversation she had with them. Or for instance going out with one of them to discos and concerts... I had to put it with it all. It was much to bare... Yeah, she is very pretty and sweet. And some conversation would just give the guys the wrong idea. Either she is naive, or she thinks she is very smart...

 

What can say, is that talk about it. So that she can make you feel sure about the relationship. Don't shut it to yourself. I did, and look what i got... If she really loves you, i guess there isn't danger in letting her hang out with her friends.

But in my opinion there are limits. In my case, if i have a female friend, and she has a BF i would never ask her to hang out only with me. I consider it to ethically wrong.

[Wyatt]

Thanks for everyone's reply, I really do appreciate the honesty and personal experience.

 

I agree that we need to talk about it. We did, in fact, talk about it once not that long ago because she said she felt I was uncomfortable when she would hang out with her guy friends. I told her, yeah, at first, but I'm better now. She went on to say that she never dated any of them, and listed each by name, but (and here's the kicker) she never mentioned this other guy's name in the list. Again, I felt like she was trying to cover something up.

 

But, honestly, she does nothing to lead me to believe that anything is happening and let me point out that I don't believe they have seen each other since that one night at his workplace. She hasn't cheated before to my knowledge, but I guess you could call her a bit "naive". What also bothers me is that I agree with the poster above who said that men usually have more than just friendship in mind, even if they say they don't. Hell, once I hung around a girl for almost two years as a "good friend" but I was totally infatuated with her and she had a boyfriend, too. And I agree, this guy wasn't calling at all until he saw her out. My gut is just screaming something is up although she is almost always with me.

 

My head gets the best of me, I know. I'll most likely have to bring it up but I can't and won't say that I was checking up on her. I just don't want her to come to me one day and say, "Hey, I'm meeting you-know-who out later...."

[Cecelius]

You basically need to put on your best game and protect your heart (have a good time but do not get too attached to her).

 

She sounds young, youth leads to confusion, confusion + booze + guy friends = action in some dude's car by the bar, and she basically lives with her hand in the lion's mouth.

 

Confronting or talking about it will only make you seem weak and the other dude cool by comparison. Have a good time with her, cut back on your time with her and find some girls to hang out with.

[Shidoshi]

If she's not telling you anything about this one guy, and is being secretive about it, do not ignore it. There is a reason why she is doing this. You don't have to flip out over it, but you can ask questions. Above all, do not pressure her about it one way or the other because you will seem needy. If it bothers you a lot then you are "hooked" on this girl, and you need to "unhook" yourself by meeting other girls. Not saying you need to cheat or anything, but don't set yourself up to be taken for a ride.

[7CardStud]

I have the exact problem... well a little different but I get this feeling which I hate getting cuz i'm always such a calm person... But sometimes I feel like throwing down on some of the guys. Their is this one guy who is a real creep and she has told me she doesn't like how he talks to her. I have noticed this and I don't know if this is going to result in a fight.

 

What can I do? I don't want to lose my cool... But I feel like if she says anything to her while I'm around I'm going to snap pretty soon, he know's she is going out with me, and he even pretty much BLATANTLY flirts infront of me.

 

I don't know why he would be doing this... I think imma lose my cool and my g/f is gonna lose a lot of respect for me... help please ^_^

[Shidoshi]

If the guy is saying stuff to her thats offensive, especially when you're around I say you let him know its not ok, and if he doesn't stop well...Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Don't throw the first blow or anything, but intimidate him and let him know that you aren't joking. Of course if he comes at you, by all means, beat him down.

 

First though, make sure your GF is atleast making it clear to him that she doesn't like what he's saying because she may even be inviting it. I don't see why she would lose respect for you for standing up to this guy, if anything it will increase your attraction. The fact that you had the balls to do it will say a lot.

[OceanEyes]

Whoa guys. This really doesn't sound that complicated to me. She has always had male friends, so why should she have to give that up just because she's in a relationship?

 

But, honestly, she does nothing to lead me to believe that anything is happening and let me point out that I don't believe they have seen each other since that one night at his workplace.

 

Generally, when women cheat, you will know immediately. The first thing to look for is a frigid, bored, unhappy, and very sexually distant female. In most cases, women don't cheat because they "have needs" (sexually) as more men are prone to. It's usually because there are serious core values missing from her relationship. Sorry if it sounds like I'm generalizing, but my needs in a relationship are really no different than they were 3-4 years ago.

 

* Does she ever invite you out with her and her male friends?

 

* Is she tough to get on the phone while she's with one of her male friends?

 

* Does she get angry and defensive if you question where she's going/ who she's going with?

 

* How does she act when you see her right after she's been with one of her male friends?

 

I think you may be paranoid, but I may not understand the whole story. All I can say is that if she really was cheating on you with one of these guys, you would probably have some kind of solid evidence by now. Cheating is something that can't be covered up for very long if you have a close relationship.

 

Here's a question for the guys: This is something I hear A LOT -- I hear guys say things like, "men never just want "friendship" from you if they are friends with you. There is usually some kind of alterior motive (trying to get the girl into bed, for example ). So, for the guys who say this and believe it, how does this statement change when you yourself are in a relationship, yet still want to maintain friendships with your female friends? How does this change the dynamic? I always feel like there is some kind of double-standard when it comes to this topic.

[Shidoshi]

But, two weeks ago she said she wanted to go out with her friends (male and female) to the bar where this guy worked (without me, at her request) and I just played it cool since It had been a while since she had gone out.

Why would she specifically ask him not to come? Its just an innocent meeting with friends right?

However, since then, he started calling again.

Interesting...

The first time was on Valentine's Day and now again a couple of day's ago he called again, and now she called him last night. (Don't ask me how I know all this either because she never tells me that she has spoken with him.....ever. No, I'm not proud of myself for snooping).

The plot thickens...

I know they "dated" before, but she never said so (I overheard a conversation once). He's a "friend"

Then we have:

I agree that we need to talk about it. We did, in fact, talk about it once not that long ago because she said she felt I was uncomfortable when she would hang out with her guy friends. I told her, yeah, at first, but I'm better now. She went on to say that she never dated any of them, and listed each by name, but (and here's the kicker) she never mentioned this other guy's name in the list. Again, I felt like she was trying to cover something up.

Indeed she is.

 

I'm just trying to help the guy out because this is usually how it starts. It seems sooo innocent and you think everything is fine. I can't say whether or not she is doing anything because I have no idea, I'm simply saying that her actions are not consistent with her words so far.

[Shidoshi]

Whoa guys. This really doesn't sound that complicated to me. She has always had male friends, so why should she have to give that up just because she's in a relationship?

No...it isn't complicated, and I'm not saying she needs to give up her male friends, but this guy is uncomfortable with it because he "feels" like something isn't right. There may or may not be anything going on, but his gut is telling him there is atleast a motive.

Generally, when women cheat, you will know immediately. The first thing to look for is a frigid, bored, unhappy, and very sexually distant female.

Based on my own experience, this is absolutely not true. In fact, I had no clue it was happening the entire time, maybe its because I didn't care enough to analyze her every move. I can imagine this could happen even if she's not cheating on you. Although if she's having these feelings there will probably be a split very soon.

In most cases, women don't cheat because they "have needs" (sexually) as more men are prone to. It's usually because there are serious core values missing from her relationship. Sorry if it sounds like I'm generalizing, but my needs in a relationship are really no different than they were 3-4 years ago.

I can see this being a reason, but what confused me at first when it happened to me was that there didn't seem to be anything wrong at all. She didn't want to leave, and I never asked her to, I actually said we should be more casual about the relationship because I wasn't too hung up on her to begin with (didn't say it in those exact words of course). I can say I "didn't" cheat though because I'm just not like that. I'd either break it off first, or make it clear from the beginning that we aren't exclusive.

Here's a question for the guys: This is something I hear A LOT -- I hear guys say things like, "men never just want "friendship" from you if they are friends with you. There is usually some kind of alterior motive (trying to get the girl into bed, for example ). So, for the guys who say this and believe it, how does this statement change when you yourself are in a relationship, yet still want to maintain friendships with your female friends? How does this change the dynamic? I always feel like there is some kind of double-standard when it comes to this topic.

Theres no double-standard, its for similar reasons in both situations. You may not do it to actively try and cheat, but you may want to keep your options open just in case the relationship sours or for other reasons. I know of a few girls with what I'd call back-up boyfriends.

[OceanEyes]

I actually said we should be more casual about the relationship because I wasn't too hung up on her to begin with (didn't say it in those exact words of course). I can say I "didn't" cheat though because I'm just not like that. I'd either break it off first, or make it clear from the beginning that we aren't exclusive.

 

Theres no double-standard, its for similar reasons in both situations. You may not do it to actively try and cheat, but you may want to keep your options open just in case the relationship sours or for other reasons. I know of a few girls with what I'd call back-up boyfriends.

 

In response to the first comment: If you stated that you wanted to be more "casual" about the relationship, and were not that into it to begin with, then I can see why things didn't work out. If you suggest to keep things "casual", then you can't really expect anything different. Also, if she thought that everything was, in fact, casual, then she probably didn't see it as being a huge deal if she saw other guys. In my mind, the definition of "casual" = non-exclusive = I can see anyone I want typa thing.

 

Second comment: I know people who do this also. But, over the past two years and being in a very happy relationship, I haven't even thought of that. I don't think that compatible, fulfilling relationships require back-up plans. Why? Because you trust and believe in it, it's value and potential. I know what you're saying though, because I've had "back-ups" in the past, but only when in more "casual" situations like you mentioned.

[Cecelius]

 

Here's a question for the guys: This is something I hear A LOT -- I hear guys say things like, "men never just want "friendship" from you if they are friends with you. There is usually some kind of alterior motive (trying to get the girl into bed, for example ). So, for the guys who say this and believe it, how does this statement change when you yourself are in a relationship, yet still want to maintain friendships with your female friends? How does this change the dynamic? I always feel like there is some kind of double-standard when it comes to this topic.

 

As it happens, I had hooked up with most of my female friends in the past, so generally I tended to give them up over time as relationships occurred as I did think it slightly inconsiderate of the relevant g/f. On the other hand, most of my female friends were girls who liked me/wanted to date me at some point in h/s, college, etc., but with whom I did not reciprocate.

 

Also, not to over generalize, but looking back at adolecence and young adulthood (say, under 25) most of the "hanging out" that people do at those ages and that spawns these kinds of posts is partying, bar hopping, or things that look like dates, etc. Most ugly stories on this board involve someone getting drunk and having something unfortunate happen. Perhaps it is a double standard, but I generally have not viewed my drunk-self as all that vulnerable to some wiley, conquest-mad woman -- the reverse is more likely the way these things go.

 

So, at least on the types of hanging out that I think cause these threads, I think it is rational to assume that even if your g/f is true-blue, the more she hangs with other guys, the more likely something is to happen.

[Hillary1991]

That's a tough one. I think the fact he called her on Valentine's Day is a bit odd. Also the fact that she has not been straight up with you about their past. Have you asked her point blank, "have you two dated before?" or since you know she called him you could ask, "have you called him?". You know the answer to these questions. If she tells little white lies about it, it could be a problem. If it is purely friends, she should have nothing to hide. However, if she is upfront, why don't you say you'd like to get to know her "friend" too and suggest you three hang out! It should help the anxiety and he would see you two together!

[birdgirl]

I wouldn't worry about the guy friends, I'd worry about the secrecy.

 

It's taken me 28 years of living in the same area to find four close girlfriends who aren't catty backstabbers. I am attractive, and I actually had a female friend tell me that she liked me a lot, but that she couldn't be friends with me because she was too jealous. (I am NOT full of myself or trying to brag... I am just telling personal experience so you can maybe understand your girlfriend more.)

 

I have also been on the other side. I had a friend who got ALL the guys when we hung out. It was hard. Even when I was committed, just the fact that no one seemed to notice me when she was around was really hard for me. Don't blame us girls for wanting to feel pretty - blame society! (Or something...)

 

I hung out with guys when I craved female friends who understood me, because at least my guy friends never stabbed me in the back, tried to put me down to make themselves feel better, or competed with me. It is HORRIBLE... if she's an attractive female, she has to find girls who are confident enough in themselves to be around her, who are also nice and who she has something in common with. Not an easy task. It's not even that my guy friends flirt with me, because if I'm not attracted to a guy, the last thing I want is flirting. For real. And if your girlfriend was attracted to any of her guy friends, she'd either know him well enough by now to know she doesn't want him, or she'd have dated him long before she met you.

 

Sure, some of my guy friends are attracted to me, and some of them have said, "Whoah, I know you too well. I could never date you." And chances are, she could have pretty much any of her guy friends she wants. But she's with YOU. I don't keep my guy friends around because they flirt with me, but because they treat me better as a human being than most girls do.

 

I also have a male friend I dated in the past. I ended the relationship and lost all sexual attraction for him. It would NEVER happen again, and if it was going to, it already would have. If only I could convince my bf of this!

 

Sorry this was so long, but it also helped me to figure out some things in my own head, too...

 

So... I'd worry about the secrecy. If she's not telling you something, there's a reason. Sorry.

[birdgirl]

The other thing to remember is, she may be hiding him because of their past, and because she's afraid of your reaction. She may be totally innocent. Since she's clearly been secretive, you might want to do a little more snooping. Some will disagree, but... she should be straight with you, shouldn't she?

 

One thing I read is, if you approach her like, "I know about you and so-and-so, and I'm not mad because I understand that you were afraid of my reaction...." she may be more likely to come clean.

 

I mean... I was talking to a guy friend the other day and my boyfriend called through, and I lied to him about who I was talking to because I didn't want to deal with his insecurities and the coldness that always follows it. And I have NO romantic interest in this guy friend whatsoever. But if he finds out it was a guy, will he ever believe me that it was innocent? It sucks! Especially with the guy who I dated... much easier to never mention his name than deal with my boyfriend's reaction.

[Wyatt]

***UPDATE***

 

Just wanted to give everybody an update to the situation since you all took the time to respond.

 

Since my post here's what's happened: I never confronted her about the guy calling because I knew nothing was actually going on between them. I'm not going to put a leash on her just because I'm paranoid. But, I also wasn't going to ignore my intuition and the obvious fact that she is keeping "something" from me.

 

That being said, we attended an event last weekend which included a lot of drinking, which I am wary of because she has always become somewhat unreasonable when she drinks. But we did it and at one point in the evening, quite out of the blue, she started questioning our relationship, not sure of her feelings, etc. etc. I asked her if there was somebody else. She said, no, there isn't. Then got mad and said she has never cheated on anyone in her life and asked how I could ask her that. I replied, "Because I have to ask since I don't understand where any of this is coming from." The argument went on (in a public bar, mind you....but in a lowered tone) and eventually I asked if she had been thinking of dating other people and she looked away and said, "I don't know....maybe." Well, of course I felt hurt, but validated. I was also under the influence quite a bit, but I felt almost relieved in a way.

 

Anyway, after that she didn't want to continue the conversation (although she said she still loved me, she was tired of arguing). I was finished also, at that point. I proceeded to ignore her the rest of the night and continued drinking until I was absolutely wasted. I had friends there and they took care of me since they knew something was up. I told everybody we broke up and it was over, etc. She told them everything was fine, that we were just having an argument. I left without her (but gave her my keys to go home). Not a great move, but I was not in a good frame of mind.

 

I woke up the next day not remembering a thing about breaking up, but was told what happened. I eventually got a ride home and she was at my place. We talked it over and she apologized for what she said. She didn't know why she said it. I told her I was sorry, too. We talked a bit more and were honest about how we felt about what happened and it made us closer than before. Of course, I think she was being truthful about thinking about dating other people, but I think she realizes now what we have. I'll keep you posted on any new events.

[Cecelius]

I feel your pain -- whenever a girl says that she doesn't know why she said something or did something, I usually take it as the kind of "confusion" that means she either does have someone (clean romantic someone or making-out someone) or will have someone in about 6 seconds.

 

I'd start distancing myself HARD internally. Wrap your heart in the kevlar that men have for dealing with confused women, start finding stuff to do that does not involve her. She wants to have her cake and eat it too, and she wants it to be YOUR fault. She's putting you on notice that she's fair game for whoever the next lucky guy is.

[GATSBY]

To Wyatt and all other guys who wonder why women have male friends.....because you guys make good friends.....

Since I am the ancient one here....when I was in my teens and 20's, I also had a lot of male friends. I trusted them. I knew that if I told one of male friends something, it would remain with him. Through my own experiences, I can say that sometimes my sex can be catty and vicious....and if jealousy is involved...even more so. To this day, I trust very few women with "critical", personal information. They tend to gossip about it. Most men aren't like that.

 

So Wyatt....chill out a bit. And regarding this guy friend that she doesn't talk about much....if she was really interested in him, other than as a friend, she would probably be talking about him more. Or she would mention things about him. And isn't is possible that she doesn't talk about their "past" history because there is something she is embarrassed about.

 

And to alleviate your own anxiety and depression.....find something you really enjoy doing and go out and do it. Medication can only help somewhat....and it will "dull" your senses. After my divorce, I was devasted....I mean literally. I could barely function. Docs put me on, first, Prozac, and then Paxil. But, what I found really helped the most was when I started running a lot and found things that interested me....and I channeled all my energy into those interests.

You may not like working out or running, but I am here to tell you, from my own experience with depression/anxiety, that NOTHING from a bottle will help as much as working out or running. When you exercise, you body releases endorphines....Exercise improves anxiety, depression and best of all, it elevates self-esteem.

Try it for 2 weeks and then if you don't see a difference....