Falling for my best friend

[LadyBug1988]

My best friend and I have known each other for about 10 years now, and I think I’m falling in love with him. We’re extremely close and we always make our relationship a priority, even when we have significant others. We have never dated, had sex or even kissed, but throughout the years he’s tried to tell me how he feels.

 

He’s told me he thought I was beautiful and he could see himself marrying me. He’s suggested we be together in very convoluted, weird ways. He has even directly asked me if I’d ever be with him and I always brushed him off and kept him in the friend zone. Part of me felt it wouldn’t work out because he can be quite sarcastic and arrogant, and the other part wasn’t really attracted to him.

 

These events never changed our relationship, and we are still close as ever. I’ll admit he’s one of my favorite friends and favorite people of all time. We tell each other anything and everything, and there’s no judgment only love and support. We have so much fun doing absolutely nothing, I feel like I can completely be myself around him. I have no guards or walls up when it comes to him; I can be a hysterical sobbing mess, squealing with joy, or in a total daze. He always loves me the same, and I reciprocate.

 

I found myself becoming attracted to him a few years ago, but talked myself out of it. Since then he has found a girlfriend and is living with her. Things quickly started going downhill and he would vent to me, but I was always in favor of the relationship because they have so much invested. I don’t think the girlfriend really likes me, she smiles and pretends to be polite but all three of us know it’s an act. I’ve had boyfriends who hated him just as much, but we refuse to let temporary people get between us.

 

I remember I invited him to hang out with the last guy I dated, and he told his girlfriend our relationship wouldn’t last another month. She got upset claiming he didn’t want it to last cause he was afraid he wouldn’t matter to me anymore if I met someone. He told her he’d always matter to me, whether I realized it or not. I told him it was true, he always will. He even told me he isn’t marrying the girlfriend, and I shouldn’t want him to marry anyone ever. When I asked him why, he said we wouldn’t be able to spend time together anymore. I wouldn’t have access to him the way I do, so we agreed this was a good idea.

 

Things are terrible in their relationship now, so she left the state this weekend to get some space from him. He immediately called me over and we went partying in New York City. We had an amazing time and took beautiful pictures, I stayed over that night and we talked for hours the next day. He wants to leave his girlfriend but doesn’t want to because he’s so used to her and has invested so much in the relationship. They haven’t had sex since June, and everyone who interacts with them can see how miserable they are. When the three of us are together I get so sad cause I know we would have so much more fun if we were together without her. However, I am supportive of them staying together because I know what it’s like to loose someone you’re so used to. I don’t want him to be lonely and heartbroken, but I don’t want him miserable either.

 

Every time we hang out I make a picture collage, and sometimes she’s in them. She has never liked a single picture I’ve ever posted but she was sure to like the collage I made of our time in New York this weekend. I checked her page and she has never posted a picture of him, and he’s never posted pictures of her on his page either. However, he has pictures of the two of us on his page from other times we were together. Because he has pictures of me and we post pics together all the time, I didn’t think it was a big deal.

 

I’m just confused. I openly support him in trying to work out his relationship and help him come up with ideas on how to fix things. I can tell he’s had enough of the misery going on in their house, but I don’t know where that will leave us. I love him so much, I even told him this weekend and he said he loves me too. I know he does. I just don’t know what to say about my feelings or if I should say anything at all. I haven’t been able to get him out of my mind all day, and I know he’s been thinking of me too cause he’s been texting and sending pictures. I told him I didn’t ever want to hate him, and I didn’t think we’d get along if we dated. I admit he’s quite sarcastic sometimes but I’ve never been upset with him for more than 5 minutes.

 

I love him the way I do my relatives, but I’m attracted to him too. I just don’t know what to do.

[Crank]

The reason why your bfs and his girlfriends hate each other are because you are too close and they get jealous of you and/or him. They have a right to do so really. Thats a typical scenario when your best friend is of the opposite sex. It could work being together but could also just be a fake love. May not agree but it is a bit of a problem when you both are each others best friend and try dating other people. One of you or both will never give 100% to the new bf/gf because of how close you say you are. if he was to seriously date another girl then he would have to back off your friendship and vice versa.

 

So if that is something you want to pursue, make sure it's because you actually are in love with him and not just because you feel very comfortable around him. His mind set will be different than yours a bit too. It's possible he is just dating other girls as a temp thing until you decide to finally date him.... In a way it sounds like hes manipulating you tbh

[mhowe]

You don't want him as a boyfriend, but you like him as an emotional crutch. This is neither a friendship nor a hidden mutual attraction. It's a convenient codependency that prevents either of you of having true intimacy with other people.

[LadyBug1988]

The reason why your bfs and his girlfriends hate each other are because you are too close and they get jealous of you and/or him. They have a right to do so really. Thats a typical scenario when your best friend is of the opposite sex. It could work being together but could also just be a fake love. May not agree but it is a bit of a problem when you both are each others best friend and try dating other people. One of you or both will never give 100% to the new bf/gf because of how close you say you are. if he was to seriously date another girl then he would have to back off your friendship and vice versa.

 

So if that is something you want to pursue, make sure it's because you actually are in love with him and not just because you feel very comfortable around him. His mind set will be different than yours a bit too. It's possible he is just dating other girls as a temp thing until you decide to finally date him.... In a way it sounds like hes manipulating you tbh

 

Thank you for your response, what do you mean his mindset will be different from mine? Also what do you mean by fake love? It would be really crappy if he's just dating girls to tempt me, this is all so confusing.

[LadyBug1988]

You don't want him as a boyfriend, but you like him as an emotional crutch. This is neither a friendship nor a hidden mutual attraction. It's a convenient codependency that prevents either of you of having true intimacy with other people.

 

Thank you for your response. Why do you think we want each other as an emotional crutch? Why do you think we're codependent? I honestly don't know if I want him as a boyfriend, I'm scared to tell him how I feel and I'm also scared of losing him forever. If we date and it doesn't work out I loose one of the most amazing people I've ever met, I'm very confused.

[Crank]

Unless a guy isn't physically attracted to you then he has had dating you on his find for a VERY long time. It's easier for a guy to date a "friend" than a girl to make the descision. Differences like that are what i mean. Fake love in this case is you thinking your in love with him because of how close you are but confuse the caring emotions for actual in love love. The reasons you love him are not the same as if you were initially bf and gf to start with. This is really the perfect example of my own theory that it doesn't matter who the person is, the more you spend time with a person the more feelings you will have for them. A bit of a weird example but it's kinda like loving a brother to the extreme but because he's not actually your brother is where the confusion starts. The part i feel he's kinda manipulating you is it seems he's trying to push your emotions past the typical brother part and telling your emotions, hey where not actually brother n sister remember? even though it's prob not what your comfortable with. I don't think he's dating girls to tempt you more than just doing it to pass the time until he gets you. Again, this is just me talking so take it for what you think it's worth

 

There really is no reason for him either to get upset from you telling him you have no interest in getting involved with him, but if you make it sound like your unsure about it then he won't accept it

[LadyBug1988]

Unless a guy isn't physically attracted to you then he has had dating you on his find for a VERY long time. It's easier for a guy to date a "friend" than a girl to make the descision. Differences like that are what i mean. Fake love in this case is you thinking your in love with him because of how close you are but confuse the caring emotions for actual in love love. The reasons you love him are not the same as if you were initially bf and gf to start with. This is really the perfect example of my own theory that it doesn't matter who the person is, the more you spend time with a person the more feelings you will have for them. A bit of a weird example but it's kinda like loving a brother to the extreme but because he's not actually your brother is where the confusion starts. The part i feel he's kinda manipulating you is it seems he's trying to push your emotions past the typical brother part and telling your emotions, hey where not actually brother n sister remember? even though it's prob not what your comfortable with. I don't think he's dating girls to tempt you more than just doing it to pass the time until he gets you. Again, this is just me talking so take it for what you think it's worth

 

There really is no reason for him either to get upset from you telling him you have no interest in getting involved with him, but if you make it sound like your unsure about it then he won't accept it

 

That makes a lot of sense, and I need to be sure of my feelings before I say anything to him. Its just that I've been feeling like I love him in a romantic way a lot more lately than ever before. The second I saw him 10 years ago, I was immediately drawn to him, I just wasn't in a healthy head space to date him. I think the best thing for me to do is not to see him for a while, that way I can figure this out. He's giving his current relationship until February to get better, so I'll back off and let him focus on that. I guess I'm just wondering how he feels about me in all of this.

[DoF]

Stay away from any opposite sex relations WHILE in a relationship. It's inappropriate and disrespectful towards your current relationship. Also, 99.99% guys will never be your friend unless they want you.

 

Think about that.....

 

Also ANY guy that tries to pursue you WHILE you are in a relationship = huge red flag. Think about that as well.

 

You are also one of the worst candidates FOR a relationship. Would you date a girl that is in a relationship but goes off to hang out with other men? A smart man will not even touch you with a 100 foot pole right now.

 

And no, it's NOT love. Your brain is tricking you completely. You are esencially a cheater, so this new guy will most likely swallow up up and spit you up and you won't even know what happened.

 

Proceed with caution.

[mhowe]

Research codependency. It defines your relationship ----- there is a lot to read as to how you two relate to one another.