Pretty Big Mistake

[beemersv101]

A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to one of my overly romantic friends talking about how if you have to act on your feelings, and you can't let people you care about slip out of your grasp without putting up a good fight. Well this friend of mine got me all worked up...and I got this crazy idea to write a poem that was basically made up of (and inspirered by) the lyrics to some great songs...and then to send this poem to my ex. Well I did it. I sent it on the 9th...and I'm thinking that she should either have it by now or that she's getting it soon. And I think I've made a huge mistake...even though the intention was to get her to understand me and the situation of our break up better and maybe to reconcile a little bit...but I don't think it'll have the desired effect. Somehow I have this nagging feeling that she'll be like, "Wow...and you're not over us yet? Why don't you grow up or something." I dunno...but now I'm totally nervous and I regret sending it in the first place. I'll copy it here...I think my 'cause' is screwed now.

 

Mixing music? Ha, I'm mixing lyrics!

 

When I found you or should I say when you found me

I never expected all that followed to occur

So much happened in so little time

You know,

I'm not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love

But to you,

I gave my affection right from the start

 

My heart was yours

I wanted so much to protect you

I would look at those who had either

Hurt you or not appreciated all you offered

And I'd want to say

Honey, they'll build you up

Only to tear you down

Don't believe their games

They're good for nothing

Put your heart in my hands

And I won't hurt you

I promise not too…

 

With you, my life changed

I couldn't help it

The world blossomed before my eyes

But there was one glitch

A small infidelity of trust

That I couldn't ignore or erase

It's funny how guilt and denial go hand in hand

 

Eventually, I said to myself

Today is gonna be the day…

By now, you should've somehow

Realized what you've gotta do

Today, she's gonna throw it all back to you…

 

As I got ready to say goodbye to the way of life

I thought was designed just for me

I'd picture you standing there, hopeful and happy

Wanting more from me – wanting something I wasn't

No matter how many cover ups or white lies

Right then and there, that was all I'd ever be

All I could do was try to make you see

That what we had was worth preserving

 

I knew my attempts to warm you wouldn't work before I tried

You said that you'd understand, but I knew you wouldn't understand

You said you'd never give up seeing eye to eye

I didn't know what to believe in, and you didn't know who I was

I had said that I'd never hurt you

But never is a promise, and you'd never need a lie…

 

Again, things changed and not as I'd hoped

How I wished to say to you

Now there's no point in placing the blame

Because you should know I suffer the same

If I lose you, my heart will be broken

Don't be so cold, it doesn't have to be this way

Please, just think about what you're doing

 

Every eccentricity and oddity we posses

They weren't meant to embarrass us

Instead they act like filters

They weed out those who can't appreciate us anyway

But you and I fit

My kind is your kind

I'll stay the same, and love you the way you are

Isn't that rare?

They don't love you like I do

Can't you see that?

 

I'd plead with you don't walk away

Pretending everything's okay and you don't care about me

Because I know there's just no use once these lies become your truths

Could you look me in the eye and tell me that you're happy now?

Could you tell it to my face? Or have I been erased?

I want to tell you how I feel, but I don't think you'll care

It seems love is just a hell you cannot bear

How I wish I could be the same

 

I move on, but on the inside I'm sulking

I'm full of loneliness and disregard

Because I can't help the fact that I have these scars

I am what I want you to want, and what I want you to feel

But I've already given up trying to convince you this is real

 

I try to let go as I watch you turn away

And pretend we never happened

Like I might as well be a stranger

Who knows, maybe I am to you

But I'm still here

I can't feel the way I used to

Time alone can't heal me anymore

I'm sorry you don't understand what I'm going through

Some things just don't make sense

 

But I can't help but ask myself certain questions

Is this it? Is it always the same?

When a heartache begins, is it like this?

Does everything lead up to a gloomy end

Followed by nothingness?

Do you like this? Is this what you had in mind?

When all is said and done, will you even remember my name?

 

Can you blame me for still caring?

It's not fair; you left your mark on me

It's permanent, like a tattoo only I can see

Cause when you showed me myself, you know

I became someone else

How can I go back?

 

Late at night I think about you sometimes

I don't cry, I just wonder if you're alright

How many nights did I spend talking with you

Uncovering secrets in our hearts

Now and then I wonder about

Who's talking, laughing with you now

Watching all these memories depart…it's crazy

 

Am I alone in these thoughts?

Do I ever cross your mind, anytime?

Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?

How I wish you would call to say

I miss you…

 

Since you've been gone, I should be happy

I can do whatever I want

I can see whomever I choose

But I have this nagging feeling

That nothing I've seen can compare to you

 

I wish I could come up to meet you,

Tell you I'm sorry

You don't even know how lovely you are

I wish I could find you,

Tell you I need you

Tell you I set you apart

You could tell me your secrets, ask me anything

Please, let's just go back to the start

I'm running in circles and coming up tails

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

No matter what they say though

Nothing speaks as loud as my heart…

 

I go about my days as if everything is fine

I hope that if I act that way long enough

Then maybe my act will become my reality

The grades are good and the friends and family are fine

I laugh, I joke, I have fun like anyone I know

But I can't help but stand here looking out my window

Stand here aware of your absense

 

How can I be so damn demanding?

I know you said that it's over now

But it's so hard to let go – I'll try harder to if you want

Every day I want to pick up the phone

And tell you that you're everything I need and more

If only I could find you – but you're gone

My loneliness got the best of me

And my heart seems so weak

If you're so strong,

Then won't you resolve the weakness in me?

How I envy your strength

 

I want to hope that you'll understand

But I don't know if that day has come yet

Someday you'll find someone you really care for

And if their love unexpectedly fails

You'll know what this heart of mine faced

Because at some point and time

Everybody's somebody's fool

Everybody's somebody's plaything

Unfortunately, there aren't any exceptions to that rule

I know it's best if I forget you

Though I can be a fool, at least I know the score

 

All the moments that already passed

They only last in my memory

We were as one for a moment in time

And it seemed everlasting that you'd be mine

But you wanted to be free

And finally, I can say I'm letting you fly

Before, I was caught in between

All I wished for and all I'd done

But all the things I want you to be

I can't expect from you anymore

And that's wonderful, that's life

That's you – this is me

I love you just the way you are

 

You'll always be a part of me

I just had to let you know

I knew I would never be okay

Until I acted one last time

So I'm sorry you had to relive this

But it was necessary

For me to finally feel better

I needed to show you everything

Can you see it clearly now?

 

 

So what do you all think?

[katiekate1982]

WOW!! That was pretty long, and it made me really sad, it reminded me of my ex. That is something I would love to do, mail my ex something so he can read it over and over and let it all sink in. But I highly doubt my ex or alot of guys would understand that, no offense to anyone. Sometimes this makes us feel better to vent, but does it really? Or does it due more harm in the long run, cause they still might think you want them and can't live without them, you know.

 

Have you talked to him? What actually happened?

[beemersv101]

Yeah, it was pretty long, so I'm sorry to all of you whose eyes are hurting after reading all of that. Oh and I guess I should mention that the ex isn't a he, but a she. As for what happened between us, I posted it all here before, but that was about a month ago...in summary, I lied over something kind of dumb and I told her about it. We broke up...I still cared though. I just had to send that to get everything off my chest. And if she doesn't respond or take any action...well then, I'm fine cause at least I tried. I can only do that, hope for the best, and then try to get on with my life. I know all will be okay, it just sucks in the meantime.

[katiekate1982]

Okay, sorry. That might change a few things because us women think about things differently, no offense to anyone. Well good luck, and try to be strong and continue with the n/c. It will be all good in the long run, I promise, just wait and see!!