need some professional help please!!!!!!!!

[Roman]

I read all of these posts with the NC rule working out and some that dont work out. I am 21 years old and have been with my ex gf since i was 17 she was 16 i was her first everything, first kiss first sex partner basically she learned everything from me. I screwed up big time with not doing anything with my life and getting comfortable and dependent on her. she had been telling me to do something with my life for about 3 years i guess her feelings have changed a little bit over time. she says shes confused and doesnt know what she wants she is in college and has a lot of things going on with her life and i am so proud of how hardworking she is and so disapointed in myself for not seeing the signs and taking her for granted thinking subcontiously that she will be there always. i didnt do anything with my life just worked sometimes and what not. finally she had enough and said that she needs some space at first. i guess she wanted me to change and i started to change my ways but still talking to her and still seeing her, i was having a very hard time because i was getting mixed signals and would get excited real quick for example we went to the getty museum enjoyed some art and she kissed my once and i said thats not a kiss give a real 1 and she kissed me again. i couldnt take it anymore i was hanging on for hopes that might not be there so i didnt know what to do i called her friend which is my friend kind of but she is on her side. her friend told me that she is still confused and doesnt know what she wants because my changes i think werent big enough mind you im still changing and it will take time, anyways she arranged a phone call with me and my ex and she told me that shes sorry for leading me on and that she does love me she said i have a awesome personality and a heart of gold and that im very hansom but i have to let go i was still clinging on and was so affraid of the NC thing we were very honest and open with eachother. she said because i was still clinging on and keeping contact everytime she would begin to feel something i would ruin it by trying to see her call her be with her so i said i know i have to let you go and i now have no choice to accept that you are gone and if we are meant to be she will comeback to me she said yes thats right, so basically we ended it very gentle and i said to her before i hung up i said you were a bird that i loved so much and i kept you in my hands and didnt let you fly away but i see that in order for you to get back the true love feelings you once had i need to let you go and become an independent man so i said fly away little birdy fly..... and said bye she then said dont say bye i will still talk to you and you wll still call me i said no im sorry i cant call you and she said ok i was beggining to get emotional and my voice was cracking i was trying so hard with all my might not to cry and i didnt but she could hear it in my voice the last things she said was you know sometimes things have a way of working out and we hung up. now its been more then 2 weeks im ok i have a long road ahead of me i have a lot of changes to make. i am kind of a weak person and she is so strong i think this is her way of making me change and become a stronger person i dont know im still very much in a state of shock but am accepting it slowly. the NC thing could benefit me or not i guess we will see what the following months will bring

 

she is the love of my life i love this girl sooooooooooooo much.

 

weve been together for 4 1/2 years and im shattered is she doing this to get me to change?

or is she really confused? is she trying to get rid of me gently?

 

im getting my life on track and she sees that what should i do evryone tells me she will come around 4 1/2 years is a long time for a girl to forget especially if i was her first love. i dont know im so lost all i know is that everything happens for a reason and thats all i really have going for me

 

I sent flowers for valentines day and called she didnt pick up but later that night she sent a text msg thanking me for the flowers, my friends tell me to be patient shell come around but i need some professional advice

 

help me out guys pleaseeeee!!!!!!

[melrich]

There's really not much you can do. Stay away from her and try not to be exposed to gossip about her. Don't try and find out what she is doing or thinking, don't talk to her friends about her.

 

Concentrate on getting yourself over the relationship. You have obviously learnt some things about yourself...try and work on these.

 

If she decides she wants to get back together she will let you know one day but don't hang around waiting for it. Nothing is more of a turn off.

[brando]

I am new here, but i have beem through a divorce initiated by EX. Their isn't much you can do. The best thing to do is to let them go and take care of yourself. It's hard to do at first, but oh so necessary. Feel you feelings, that is important. Try not to contact her, she will have her own stuff to deal with. It is what it is. Sorry. I feel your pain.

[katiekate1982]

Hello,

 

I understand what you are going through, similliar situation myself, except my ex was very hurtful and mean to me. I think it always makes it a little harder when the ex ends it nicely, because that makes it easier to think "what if". I know this is hard and you still love her and probably always will, but you don't know what the future holds for the both of you.

 

Just take care of yourself right now, not because she wanted you to, but for yourself. Go back to school or get your career set up. Those are things that will better yourself in the long run, and plus it will keep you busy so you don't think of her as much. Be social, try to do things that you and her didn't do so you don't think of her as much. I hope this helps, but in the mean time try not to call her, and if she calls you keep it short and simple. This is time for you to be strong and get things accomplished in your life. Hang in there and stay strong, you can do it. GOOD LUCK!!

[brando]

Yes keep it short and simple, and try to sound as happy as possible. This is a great opportunity for personal growth, take full advantage of it. Try not to worry, it is wasted energy, believe me.

[goodoleboy]

Roman, I have been going through alot of what you say and feel. Its very hard. Somedays are better than others. I know we all say take care of yourself and move on. Well, it is harder than said. I mean it is hard to do NC. And if they are the ones calling it makes it heck on your emotions not to pick up. But it is also hard to take care of yourself. I think what everyone means or the way I take it is to focus on something else. Like I started working out 6 days aweek instead of 3. I put alot of effort in my career and devoted more time. I took more pride in me. I have been through this one time before with my wife. Before we were married and then I goof up a little and here i go again. But it is not hopeless until you give up. Now it all depends on how you react to her actions. I learned that the hard way. With that long of a history there has to be something pulling her away.

 

check your private messages and Ill send you some help.

[brando]

goodoleboy is right. Sorry i didnt explain. Focus on something else other than her. Do whatever you always wanted to do, now is the perfect time, it will only make you stronger. Travel, go to school, look into a new career if you aren't doing of what you dream of doing. It is so easy to get caught up in what they may be doing, it is so easy to lose yourself. Take one day at a time.

[lawandorder]

Well, here is what my experience is right now. I will say I dont know if it is good, bad or just ugly. I have been trying to win my ex back for about 5 weeks or so. Now we had a few good days and went places and had fun. Then we had some good times at the house. But all at once she got cold and distant and rude. But I found out now she is running around with some guy. they go out and do stuff. Now we are getting a divorce but still have feelings. but I have been doing the same with a few girls. Helps cope and deal with things having someone around. But we borke up years back and we both dated and 2 months or so and we were back together with no conversation of our past dates during a break up.

 

My point to this: This is for good not to get even or anything of that nature. You have to strong and force yourself not to contact her and not take her contact. Dont take any calls. Do this for like 4 days then take a call and be sweet and polite and act like your all good. Dont be a smart $%^ either. Just act like your moving on with out saying it. Then next time you take a call wait one day more. I have started this and took my own advice and guess what. She got real mad since she could not talk to me for days. but at the end of a 10 minute conversation she was being nice. Then I went to NC for a little longer. Now she let me know a few days ago that she has male friends but nothing else. She tries to reassure me. My point is this. If she knows you are there and she can have you at anytime then she can do what ever she wants and you are not going away. So if she wants to be with her ex for a few weeks then talk to you then you are fine with that. Now if she sees by actions you are not the net for her to fall in and feels like you are moving on and other girls are interested in you she will flip out.

 

Here is a theory. And this theory has been proven so many times. I mean it has been proven in my life and I have seen this many times over with friends of mine. BLACK SNAKE

 

lol WHAT IS THIS: An old man told me something years ago. Now it is hard to do . But it is the truth. You can chase a black snake (king snake) and run and run and run after it. That snake will run from you till you or the snake dies. It wont hide it will keep running. Now I am from East Texas and we have these snakes here and its true. But when you give out and stop running and turn around and look back LOL here it comes. Now they are good snakes and cant hurt you but it will chase you like you wont believe. So the thing this old man showed me was that its true. In your respect you have chased and been so sweet and the angel in this matter. She has been running and going to her ex and running from you. but she wants you to chase her so she knows you are there. But after some time she will realize that you stopped and then she wants to know why in her head. Then she will turn and want you back on the hook. If she was not interested in you she would not call or talk or go anywhere around you. So she has feelings. Use your head my friend and not your feelings. Follow what your head tells you to do and leave it alone and make it in her eyes that you have moved on. Now go home at night and read the forum and take some sleeping pills and deal with your pain but dont let her know. If she thinks your life is perfect and your happy and your doing great she will want that more than a man that is upset and all down and unhappy. Who would want a person in that state of mind. No one I know. Take care and hope I have helped you out a little bit. Now everyone else on here may blast feed me on how wrong I am but it works. Also dont use this to get even. If you do it can and will backfire.

[Roman]

I REALLY TRULY BELIEVE SHE IS DOING THIS TO GET ME TO CHANGE BECAUSE SHE HAS TEMPTED MANY MANY TIMES AND THATS WHAT MY AUNT SAYS SHE'S SPOKEN TO HER AND SHE SAID SOMETHING TO THE NATURE OF " 4 YEARS AND HE DIDNT DO ANYTHING " MY AUNT SAID SO ITS OVER completely THATS IT, SHE SAID " ITS ALL IN GODS HANDS AND TIME WILL TELL " THIS IS GIVING ME AND MY AUNT THE IMPRESSION THAT SHE IS GIVING ME TIME BUT NOT TRYING TO completely END IT SO I WONT MOVE ON. I DONT KNOW I DONT KNOWWWWW AND IM GONNA LOSE MY FREAKIN MIND I HATE THE WAY I FEEL AND EVERYTHING AROUND ME I AM SERIOUSLY FALLING INTO DEPRESSION AND CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE I WISH I KNEW WHAT SHE WAS THINKING................

[lelou]

Oh how I feel your pain!

 

Just listen to everyones advice. This site has really gotten me through tought times. In fact if you have time, browse my post by looking at my profile. You can actually see my relationship with my ex go from horrible breakup, to No contact, to him slowly coming back, to us dating (but still having issues to work through).

 

First lesson I learned from everyone is instead of calling her and freaking out and asking her if there is hope 24 hours a day, come on here. VENT. Say what you want to tell her. Ask people on here what you want to ask her. Then when you talk to her, act calm. Noone wants to jump back into a relationship w/someone who is clingy and acting crazy (and towards the end, that is how I got).

 

I can tell you, through no contact and sounding happy and confident, things changed tremendously! Of course, I had to get t the point where it was true first. So get there. You can't push her into anything, she has to make that choice on her own. And don't get scared, if she loves you and you show her another side of you, she will call you! Good luck, I understand your pain. Read books, exercise, take care of yourself. Don't let your head get crazy, b/c that is the fastes way to push her away.