How to learn not to compromise or how to learn to not expect anything

[bugatti]

I'm not sure if I'll be able to express my feelings because I'm lost in my head. My issue is more related to business part of my life.

 

I'm trying to do my best for my whole life - I do it for myself and also for people around - for friends and family. So, every time I started some project/business I did it for myself but every time I wanted to do it with some friend of mine. I have always been the most progressive and innovative among my friends and I always tried to push my friends forward. Some were interested, some weren't. I influenced careers of some of my friends and they are in much better places then they were... And I didn't want anything for this, I just felt good I helped them.

 

But now - everything is different. All my friends expect that I'll take their hand and I'll show them new path, new opportunity... And I'm sick of that. I don't want to do it anymore. I feel like every decision I'm making right now I'm not doing for myself but for somebody else.

 

I just want to learn not to compromise. I don't want to think if it's good for somebody else - I just want to think if it's good for me and I DO NOT WANT to care if my friend will be satisfied.

 

I have nice example:

Two years ago I invited friend of mine to my successfully running business. Everything looked fine, but then it started to go downhill. We argued a lot because he was lazy and he was just taking his bite without any effort. So I said I have enough of this sh*t and we split and I closed my company. After some time we started talking to each other more and both of us learned from this fault what we did.

 

And here we are now... we're talking about starting same business together again. But I'm not sure, I still have some weird feeling that he did not change and there will be some problems again... My mind is telling me don't do it. But my hearts is weak and it's telling me that I should give it a try. Every time when I'm around him I'm feeling like I'm walking on very thin ice. This is where I want to learn not to compromise.

 

Another "issue" I have is that I expect something from other people. For example when I say "I love you", I expect that I'll give similar reaction. Maybe the "I love you" is not the best example, but I hope you know what I mean. I know I can't expect anything from people around, but still I expect it and it's getting worse in past time.

 

Another part of this is - for example when my girlfriend do some mistake which is her fault and she is the one who needs to come and say sorry. Most of time she is aware that she did something wrong but she is just waiting... and she acts like nothing is wrong and meanwhile my head is going to explode. I can't stand situation like this and most of time I'm the one who is trying to resolve this situation.

 

I hope somebody will read this and will understand what I'm trying to say. I just want to do things for myself. I don't want to compromise, I don't want to expect anything...

[IAmFCA]

Just, stop.

 

You are NOT doing anyone any favors by telling them and doing for them what YOU think THEY want. In fact, at its base, this is insulting. Respect them enough to know they will make their own decisions and opportunities, and respect yourself enough to do the same.

 

I have an example for you, in your own example: You think your friend wants to go into business with you again. Why? Because your friend expects it to succeed? Do you? What is the risk associated with its success? Can your friend handle that sort of loss? Would you want to use his money in exchange for some return, but retain all of the management control?

 

Sounds like, No is the answer to at least some of these questions.

 

It also sounds like, your friendship is more important and would not necessarily sustain the added intimacy that comes with being involved in business with each other.

 

So, don't do it. Be responsible for yourself. It is your #1 responsibility in life, and it is time for you to step up.

[DoF]

I've been in your shoes.....totally.....

 

You are making # of mistakes. Take a closer look in the mirror, YOU are the issue here (to an extent of course, not ALL of the blame). But the reason I will point out YOUR issues is because that the ONLY thing YOU can change. It's the only thing WITHIN your control. Rest/other people will fall into right places IN TIME.

 

1. Learn to let go. You are NOT in control of other people. The only control you have is of yourself. Tell yourself "you will NOT dominate other people". In general, people don't like to be told what to do, how etc. Read: worry about yourself, not others! Let others be, they are the way they are FOR A REASON. ACCEPT AND RECOGNIZE PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY ARE. Most people don't change, accept it! Those that do = great folks.

 

2. Don't rely on ANYONE but yourself. Do NOT ask people close to you to help you, especially if they didn't step up to do so. You are asking them to do something they didn't want to do to begin with, if they did, they would've asked. Right? For business venture, find people that love/have similar interest and pursuit those interested with them.

 

3. people filtering - "if a person doesn't make you happy, is not a positive influence in your life, does NOT work HARD on themselves to be the best person they can be and doesn't work hard on YOU and push you to be the best person you can be, they are simply not worth being around".

 

4. Don't expect ANYTHING from people, EVER. This way you won't be disappointed when nothing comes, cause most people are not there to satisfy YOU. World does NOT revolve around you buddy. Just because YOU have a white knight syndrome (btw, you might want to look into this and address it, it will get you into A LOT of trouble in life) doesn't mean others have it too or feel obligated to do the same thing.

 

5. as for your girl friend, WATCH HER ACTIONS. If she makes a mistake and doesn't address the mistake (forget about apologizing, that means nothing).......if she doesn't show you WITH ACTION that she recognized the issue and is addressing it.......she simply doesn't care. Chances are there is probably 0 consequences for her actions so she will just keep repeating them. Why should she stop?

 

Again, rather than assume YOU can improve a person or that SHE will change. Accept that it will never happen. You CAN talk to her and encourage her, give it time to correct it and see. But be prepared to be deeply disappointed. Again, most people don't change.

[bugatti]

Thank you for your replies.

 

Anyway, I'm still little bit lost.

 

@IThinkICan - you said that it's insulting when I pushed my friends forward. I didn't decide for themselves. I just showed them that I have some "opportunity" and if they want to change something I would love to help them and while I was building something they were learning from me and this is how I pushed them somewhere.

@IThinkICan - sorry but I don't understand what are you saying in your example Basically both of us were having same thoughts about setting up this business and after some time we discovered that we have same thoughts and he suggested we should give it a try together. But I'm being careful now.

 

@DoF - I'm not sure if I should let go, or just... hmm. For example I invited my friend for a beer. But he declined. Then I invited him again after few weeks. He declined again. Should I let it go and should I stop inviting him? Should I wait for effort from his side? And if there won't be any effort he was not worth of it and I should let him/it go? How can I handle situation like this?

[DoF]

@DoF - I'm not sure if I should let go, or just... hmm. For example I invited my friend for a beer. But he declined. Then I invited him again after few weeks. He declined again. Should I let it go and should I stop inviting him? Should I wait for effort from his side? And if there won't be any effort he was not worth of it and I should let him/it go? How can I handle situation like this?

 

If you invite someone for a beer, and they decline, that usually means: THEY DON'T WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU OR BE WITH YOU. THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS.

 

Of course you should stop inviting him after 2nd time. Allow HIM to prove to you how good of a friend he is.

 

EVERYONE deserves a 2nd chance, but NOT 3rd!!!

 

Relationships are about BALANCE. Whenever you have 1 party doing all the work and other doing NONE, it's NOT a relationship. It's a codependency or someone is simply USING YOU or taking advantage of you.

 

Let people prove themselves to you, with ACTION. And be prepared to be DEEPLY disappointed with those that you THOUGHT were close to you (mark my words here).

 

Most people at your age usually find out who their REAL friends are when they are extremely sick or some other major event. What they fail to realize it's really simple to find out with other means.

 

Also, accept the fact that REAL/TRUE friends are HARD to come by. EXTREMELY hard. Most people would be extremely lucky to end up with even a handful of such people in their LIFE.

 

For example, I've managed to only have 1 real/true friend in my life......my wife. Not ONE has EVER come even close. And when I was younger I thought I had 100s of "great friends". I was simply blind, ignorant and immature.

 

Welcome to adulthood

[bugatti]

If you invite someone for a beer, and they decline, that usually means: THEY DON'T WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU OR BE WITH YOU. THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS.

 

Yeah, that's probably true. But it used to be fine, like I invited him, he invited me, etc. So I suppose - people change. Of course I have friends with whom I don't have any issue but somehow I rely on this problematic person the most (this is the friend which I'm considering starting business again in post above).

 

Welcome to adulthood

 

Life is really funny. When I was 15 I thought I knew everything. When I was 20 I thought I knew nothing when I was in 15. Now, I'm turning 27 and I feel like I know absolutely nothing I'm still learning how to life my life and that's the nice thing on life

[DoF]

Yeah, that's probably true. But it used to be fine, like I invited him, he invited me, etc. So I suppose - people change. Of course I have friends with whom I don't have any issue but somehow I rely on this problematic person the most (this is the friend which I'm considering starting business again in post above).

 

I have a feeling you turned your friendship off (for him) by asking him to do things he had 0 interest doing.....leave it. And yes, people change.

 

Friends COME and GO.

 

 

 

Life is really funny. When I was 15 I thought I knew everything. When I was 20 I thought I knew nothing when I was in 15. Now, I'm turning 27 and I feel like I know absolutely nothing I'm still learning how to life my life and that's the nice thing on life

 

Expect this to continue FOREVER. I'm still saying the same thing at 37, and at 45 I will say it again....chances are.

 

But in general, people don't reach their full maturity until 30s.

 

Who is more wise/experienced? 20 year old that has intelligence/genius or a 50 year old idiot? Chances are, 50 year old. They have simply experienced and been thru more in life.

[mhowe]

I vote for the 50 year old genius.

[IAmFCA]

You'll still be learning at 50, 60 ,70... If you're lucky!

 

The learning marks a growth stage and that's tough. It's easier when you recognize it as such, tough it out, and look forward to a new stage of excellence.

[catfeeder]

A coach on my job told us that it takes 21 days to change a habit, as that's how long the synapses in the brain take to form a new pathway. He said to keep a running list of the habits we want to replace, and to identify one habit at a time to tackle. Otherwise, you'll glom a bunch of things together into a giant abstraction, and nobody can resolve those--have you noticed?

 

If you want to start a new business and you've already experienced bad working habits and incompatibility with one friend, it makes no sense to repeat that experience. Simply keep your friends as friends, and do your business with vendors and customers. If you need investor money, then sell the idea to investors who are willing to allow you to manage operations, and pass on those who want to buy too much control.

 

Expecting lovers to behave as you wish is a self limiting problem. You'll either learn the art of negotiation, or you won't. That involves trial and error, but just as you'll need to be a good enough salesman to make any business successful, you'll need to apply those same techniques in successful love relationships.

 

Bribery is the fine art of showing others how operating as you wish is in their best interests. Offer something specific of value to them in exchange for getting something valuable from them. Deal in specifics and not abstractions, because everyone interprets abstractions such as what it means to 'love' differently.

 

Head high.